elaine567 Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I want to know that someone is invested in me, but I also want them to have their own life, in so much as there being things unrelated to me they are passionate about and invest time in. I've got a buddy who's dating a clingy girl and it's the worst. She doesn't seem to have any hobbies or things she likes to pursue other than going to her job and then being with him the rest of the time. They've been together for nearly a year, and I've probably seen him without her a handful of times since then, because he's too much of a wimp to just tell her they don't need to spend every free moment with each other. She's also been engaged to basically every serious boyfriend she's had (she's in her mid-30s), so bringing it all together, she's pretty much the epitome of what I think about when I think of codependent/clingy people. Total turn off. Get an f'n life. Maybe he isn't a wimp, maybe he just loves it.
mortensorchid Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 As a woman I understand that we can be clingy. It comes from a variety of reasons and sources - be it hormones making us irrational or something physical (being ignored by someone). I have spent more time than the average woman, I believe, trying to control myself, get a hold on my emotions, keep calm and carry on. Mostly that has to do with defying my mother as she is a hysterical person and I said I was not going to be like her and that was my punk rock defiance of her, but I digress on that. One thing that I have found, however, is that when you are not clingy or responding to someone in a typical manner, some people think that you are cold and unfeeling. True? No, not necessarily. It means that I am in control of my emotions. Personally I think it's a good thing to keep calm and carry on, I have to remind myself not to be clingy. In the dating game, however, it does not always pay off. Some from the past have been frustrated with me saying they find me mysterious rather than interested in them, but I say if they want to see me they can contact me and that's not what they are doing, so there. It's what it is.
Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 With last guy I LIKED that we spoke regularly. Usually 3 times a day. Morning, lunch and evening and usually only for a few minutes. I don't know if that is clingy or not but it made me feel good that he looked forward to calls from me or that he would call. He made me feel wanted and special. In fact it was the first sign that something was up... I didn't get the call... I think we all have different levels of clinginess. Some are fiercely independent where as others can decide if they need the loo or not with out their partners input. I like to have contact. Even if its just what do you fancy for supper or shall I pick up more loo rolls on the way home!!! It doesn't mean I am in their pockets or that I have to do everything with them but I like that contact. I like to be able to ring and say good luck with your match tonight as I am off to whatever I am doing... Heck if I didn't like spending time with them or hearing about their day then what the hell am I doing with them???? A vibrator would be a cheaper sex toy, because that is all it would be. 1
DarrenB Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Because being 'clingy' makes you 100x more prone to being hurt and heartbroken. Don't get me wrong, it has it's advantages but tell me a situation where someone who has been considerably clingy, handle a failed r/s well after it's ultimate ending? 1
amaysngrace Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Take a .38 Special to your relationship
GravityMan Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 A clingy person to me is someone that has a hard time standing on his or her own two feet. In other words, being very codependent to an unhealthy degree. Such a person is often scared to make decisions on her own. Or worse, has difficulty taking care of himself. This can be an issue when unexpectedly faced with a situation where the person is required to handle it on-the-fly without guidance from their significant other. Many clingy people are insecure, and I suspect that more than a few of them got their clingy tendencies from the way their parents raised them. It has very little to do with the frequency of contact or time spent together with their partner. There are men and women out there who text their significant others lots of times daily, and yet still have no problem making key choices, having fun with their friends and hobbies, performing on a high level at work, and so on. They contact each other frequently because they love and desire each other. And at the same time they also exhibit good self-esteem, emotional stability and are well-rounded. I would not describe such people as clingy. The point others made about "want to feel desired vs. needed" is a good one. However, even clingy people have people out there that are good romantic matches for them...usually a partner that is also "clingy". To each their own. A non-romantic example of a clingy person in my opinion: a mama's boy. Clingy-ness or lack thereof exists on a spectrum; it is not binary. Lastly, on the other end, being very independent (especially for a long period of time...e.g. years...combined with being single for that period of time) can also be problematic and unhealthy. But just like a very clingy person, there are people out there that are great romantic matches for very independent people. It boils down to compatibility and just "getting" each other. 1
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) When I hear this, I often wonder if these guys are wanting their space for the purpose of seeing other women on the side. Just a theory though as I've seen relationships like this deteriorate as its a set-up for him to find the bigger better deal. Women need space too LATP, I certainly do. Has nothing to do with wanting to see other men, or not loving my bf, I am an introvert mostly, and as such, need my lone time. For those who need more togetherness preferring clingy to more independent, they will never understand this. They will just think people like me are *sad*, or *commitment phobe*, or *not in love enough* or selfish or whatevs. Which would be incorrect. There is NOT a one size fits all here. Everyone is different, with different needs, different natures. We all need to be more accepting of our differences and stop judging and assigning negative labels to those who have different needs and natures from us. The most important thing is to find others that share our same needs for space and understand us. There is no wrong or right... For me, allowing each other space *enhances* my relationships. It allows us to miss each other, and keeps it fresh, fun and exciting. It keeps the passion alive. And I have other passions in my life too, other than my relationship. Artistic things, writing, painting.... and I need those these too! ALL these things are important to me (and my boyfriends). If not important to you or those who prefer clingy and 24/7 togetherness, that's okay too! No need to feel sad for me. I am very happy this way! And have pretty much been this way since I was 2, when my mom put me in my play pen and left me there all day with my toys, so she could focus on and tend to her five other kids (my rambunctious brothers!). Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl
preraph Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 If you don't give a person time away from you to go do different things and you're constantly up in them knowing everything they're doing, how can that be anything but boring? I mean, there is only so much to know about a person and most of it isn't fascinating. Clinginess I've seen or heard of doesn't stem from being endlessly fascinated by the person but by severe insecurity and clinginess becomes just a way of monitoring so you know they're still "there," but being monitored and distrusted and smothered is one of the first reasons a partner will flee. 3
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) If you don't give a person time away from you to go do different things and you're constantly up in them knowing everything they're doing, how can that be anything but boring? I mean, there is only so much to know about a person and most of it isn't fascinating. Clinginess I've seen or heard of doesn't stem from being endlessly fascinated by the person but by severe insecurity and clinginess becomes just a way of monitoring so you know they're still "there," but being monitored and distrusted and smothered is one of the first reasons a partner will flee. Hmmm, not sure I agree with this either. I mean I think it *can* be true is some cases, but certainly not all. I don't have a clingy bone in my body but I know couples who are not at all insecure, but simply enjoy being together, and feeling that *connectedness* 24/7. That wouldn't work for me in my relationships but I am not gonna assign such negativity (insecurity, anxiety) to their relationship and works for *them.* Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I don't have a clingy bone in my body but I know couples who are not at all insecure, but simply enjoy being together, and feeling that *connectedness* 24/7. Yep. I see it a lot where I live. Of course, this is a small town...and likely the nature of a small town community. Heck, there are even 3rd and 4th generations of family living in the same neighborhood (or even across the street) from each other because they prefer it. I knew of a single, 40-something woman, no kids. Preferred to hang out with her nieces and nephews as opposed to dating. That wouldn't work for me in my relationships but I am not gonna assign such negativity (insecurity, anxiety) to their relationship and works for *them.* Right, ascribing to them as "mamma's boys" is way out in left field. But to the 24/7 girlfriend...she's not a mamma's boy. So if to HER he's not one, then it's not the case.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Because being 'clingy' makes you 100x more prone to being hurt and heartbroken. Don't get me wrong, it has it's advantages but tell me a situation where someone who has been considerably clingy, handle a failed r/s well after it's ultimate ending? Because suffering is a part of life. It is something someone has to deal with, just like any other hardship.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Women need space too LATP, I certainly do. Has nothing to do with wanting to see other men, or not loving my bf, I am an introvert mostly, and as such, need my lone time. For those who need more togetherness preferring clingy to more independent, they will never understand this. They will just think people like me are *sad*, or *commitment phobe*, or *not in love enough* or selfish or whatevs. Which would be incorrect. There is NOT a one size fits all here. Everyone is different, with different needs, different natures. We all need to be more accepting of our differences and stop judging and assigning negative labels to those who have different needs and natures from us. The most important thing is to find others that share our same needs for space and understand us. There is no wrong or right... For me, allowing each other space *enhances* my relationships. It allows us to miss each other, and keeps it fresh, fun and exciting. It keeps the passion alive. And I have other passions in my life too, other than my relationship. Artistic things, writing, painting.... and I need those these too! ALL these things are important to me (and my boyfriends). If not important to you or those who prefer clingy and 24/7 togetherness, that's okay too! No need to feel sad for me. I am very happy this way! And have pretty much been this way since I was 2, when my mom put me in my play pen and left me there all day with my toys, so she could focus on and tend to her five other kids (my rambunctious brothers!). You put it together so eloquently, Katiegirl, I think it's easy for people to come to snap judgements about each other based on their clinginess vs non-clingy. Usually it's based off of bad experiences, so they figure "Oh he must be cheating if he's not returning my calls or blowing me off on what we want to do for this weekend." Ever noticed that some people judge the non-clingy person as someone looking for something better all the time or multi-dates...and of course, the non-monogomous type. Then the "Clingy" person is judged a "Mamma's Boy" or "Unhealthily co-dependent. I think they are so QUICK to judge, because the judgement comes from previous experiences with these personality types, and thus why they call it a dealbreaker before even getting to know them...yes?
Gaeta Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I think they are so QUICK to judge, because the judgement comes from previous experiences with these personality types, and thus why they call it a dealbreaker before even getting to know them...yes? If I don't like cligniness why would I take time to get to know you? Knowing you will not make your cligniness less annoying to me. You could be the nicest and kindness man on the face of this earth, still your cligniness will annoy the heck out of me and eventually I will resent you. So I don't get why you want people to take time to get to know you if they know ahead of time they don't want to deal with someone cligny.
OneLov Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 However, even clingy people have people out there that are good romantic matches for them...usually a partner that is also "clingy". To each their own. A non-romantic example of a clingy person in my opinion: a mama's boy. Clingy-ness or lack thereof exists on a spectrum; it is not binary. It boils down to compatibility and just "getting" each other. This is a very well-written post. I chose to quote only some key points. Chiefly, clinginess is not limited to romantic relationships. I have friends that I could hangout with everyday and others who I can only take in small doses. Does not mean I like one more than the other, it is a matter of personalities meshing. Some people are intense and wear you out emotionally. Others do not require as much emotionally support and can just chill. Also, I think it is important to make the point that clinginess is not necessarily a bad thing if matched with the right person. It's like organized vs. disorganized individuals. A neat-freak will not be happy matched with a slob. Like GM stated, it comes down to compatible personalities.
stillafool Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 It would be great if clingy people fell for each other. I've noticed clingy people seem to fall for independent people and then the problems start. 2
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) If I don't like cligniness why would I take time to get to know you? Knowing you will not make your cligniness less annoying to me. You could be the nicest and kindness man on the face of this earth, still your cligniness will annoy the heck out of me and eventually I will resent you. So I don't get why you want people to take time to get to know you if they know ahead of time they don't want to deal with someone cligny. Because what may appear to be clingy at first, may NOT turn out to be them being clingy at all. So if you next them without getting to know them (assuming there is an attraction), you may be nexting someone who could be totally right for you. Why people appear to be clingy at first? Perhaps just getting a bit carried away at the newness and excitement of meeting someone that he/she is incredibly attracted to. This happened with my ex. When we first met, we felt an amazing immediate attraction and HE went a bit overboard for the first couple of weeks. An outsider might say wow he is CLINGY! But that wasn't it, it wasn't his nature to be clingy at all, he was just super excited that he met me and got a bit carried away, calling, texting, wanting to spend lots of time together very quickly. I was the one who actually had to slow him down! Which he understood and did and, after that everything was cool. And as I got to know him, what I realized what that he was the opposite of clingy. He was extremely independent and our need for space matched beautifully! Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl
Blanco Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Maybe he isn't a wimp, maybe he just loves it. Nope. He's just inexperienced with women and doesn't know how to set healthy boundaries. He's been looking for a way to get out of this, but again, is too inexperienced to just do the right/strong/tough thing and stop beating around the bush and just end it.
Ronni Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Is clinginess the same as being loving, wanting cuddles and kisses? If my partner doesn't hug me back I wonder why
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Is clinginess the same as being loving, wanting cuddles and kisses? I think it would depend on how often, but as a general rule....Hell NO! If my partner doesn't hug me back I wonder why She/he lost interest/no longer attracted.
jen1447 Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Is clinginess the same as being loving, wanting cuddles and kisses? ^^^ The main problem w this discussion - no one can agree on what clingyness actually is so it's impossible to discuss it in any meaningful way. By most accounts here it seems to mainly be a function of how withdrawn you are from a relationship.
GemmaUK Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 That's not cligniness, that's mushiness :-) Cligniness is the GF who can't let you breath. You go get milk and she has to text you during that 5 minutes you are gone. And she text you again because it takes you too long to come back, and she text you again asking if you are mad at her because it's been 6 minutes and you're not back. Then she text again at 7 minutes asking if you are really at the grocery store or if you're with another woman and how dare you be gone 7 minutes and not contact her. Don't!! Geata! This is a reality sometimes! In 7 months - an LDR - the single and only time we were not together on weekends we saw each other was when I was in the shower or toilet, he was in the toilet (he always left the bathroom door open in showers or baths so I could go in and talk to him - I never did) and then the one and only time I asked him to go to the shop for gravy granules whilst I was cooking he wanted me to go with him. I was busy cooking so could not go. I did also actually just want him to stop standing looking at me cook - its not like he took it upon himself to wash up things I had used. He just stood watching me. I asked him to go and watch TV or go on his laptop but he wouldn't. I gave him the empty jar to take so he got the right stuff - in the 10/12 minutes he was gone he called me 3 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gaaah!!!!!
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) If I don't like cligniness why would I take time to get to know you? Knowing you will not make your cligniness less annoying to me. You could be the nicest and kindness man on the face of this earth, still your cligniness will annoy the heck out of me and eventually I will resent you. So I don't get why you want people to take time to get to know you if they know ahead of time they don't want to deal with someone cligny. So you won't even date someone and evaluate to what extent you can handle it or to the extend he's taking it? You may date him, then realize, "Oh, he's not THAT clingy after all." Because what may appear to be clingy at first, may NOT turn out to be them being clingy at all. Right, you would need to find out by perception what "clingy" is to him and to you. An outsider might say wow he is CLINGY! But that wasn't it, it wasn't his nature to be clingy at all, he was just super excited that he met me and got a bit carried away, calling, texting, wanting to spend lots of time together very quickly. Very good points, there's also the excitement of the new relationship where he was "acting out" in a fashion that may have appeared clingy, when it isn't his nature at all. In fact, it'll eventually reach a level or plateau. I was the one who actually had to slow him down! Which he understood and did and, after that everything was cool. You sound like a keeper, Katie, this demonstrates you're ability to communicate. You let him know what's up, and he settled down. It's only human nature. You're not a "nexter" lol Edited September 29, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst 1
lana-banana Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Yeah, somewhere along the line this thread started conflating mushy with clingy and they aren't the same at all. I write my fiance love notes all the time, and he is constantly buying me flowers and being a romantic sop, but you'd be hard-pressed to call us clingy. We have at least one night per week for independent stuff, and we encourage each other to pursue our own hobbies. I think if anything that makes us more romantic when we are together. Clinginess is a turn-off because it suggests an unwillingness or inability to function independently without the other person. No thanks. 1
katiegrl Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 You sound like a keeper, Katie, this demonstrates you're ability to communicate. You let him know what's up, and he settled down. It's only human nature. You're not a "nexter" lol Thank you LATP but actually I have a become a big "nexter." Specifically when I either sense or know a man is playing games or just messing with me, which has happened a few times since my breakup with ex last December. But before that... and especially when there was such an intense attraction, yeah I would give guys a chance, as long as I felt they were being straight with me and not messing with my head/emotions. My ex was a straight shooter from the get go (no games). Just went a bit overboard at first but we soon we settled into a routine that worked great for us!
GemmaUK Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I was the one who actually had to slow him down! Which he understood and did and, after that everything was cool. And as I got to know him, what I realized what that he was the opposite of clingy. He was extremely independent and our need for space matched beautifully! Which is great and it's worked for me too - totally with you on that Katie! I called out my LT guy very soon for following me on a 'girls night' out. He never did it again. Result! It's when they calm down for a day or a week or a month and then are right back there being clingy when the problem exists. 1
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