Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 My husband says that I have changed, doesn't like me working around men that hit on me , he wants me to stay in my mental state at 18 years old when I met him. He doesn't want me to grow up because it means growing apart from him. He says ppl put bugs in my ear and poison my mind. So I guess this is where I feel the corruption comes from. Am I crazy??
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Your husband sounds like he is controlling and even unrealistic. The corruption you keep talking about appears to be coming from inside your marriage, not the world outside. 3
preraph Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 He's the crazy one, and he's too controlling. I can't ever tell any woman to stay with a jealous controlling man because they too frequently harm the women or the children. He's seriously nuts. You have officially outgrown him. I hope you don't have children because then you'll have to keep putting up with him and he'll use them as blackmail to try to keep you from divorcing.
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 he makes me feel as if I'm not the same pure angel he met 11 years ago. I told him that him telling me that ppl put bugs in my ear and poison in my mind is basically saying I don't have a mind of my own. He doesn't want there to be any outside influences and tells me only he has my best interest at heart. He gets really upset when I tell him about things I hear and learn about work that had to do with adult topics.
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 (edited) Omg we have a 3 year old and he has already done that. When I wanted to leave him he asked me not to break up our family and take our child away from him.he says I mistaken his love and deep devotion for to me as him being controlling. I told him he puts me on guilt trips because he knows they work, he said that is not true that he is only trying to protect me. That whole promotion thing, he said I was neglecting my family and that I did not care about our child. Edited September 28, 2016 by Helivesforme 1
wmacbride Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Omg we have a 3 year old and he has already done that. When I wanted to leave him he asked me not to break up our family and take our child away from him.he says I mistaken his love and deep devotion for to me as him being controlling. I told him he puts me on guilt trips because he knows they work, he said that is not true that he is only trying to protect me. That whole promotion thing, he said I was neglecting my family and that I did not care about our child. If he is as controlling as you say, don't allow him to model this abuse to your child. Tell your spouse to ( in a more polite way) to shape up or ship out.
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 Wmacbride, I need to re evaluate my life and what I want and think is best. Our child is my priority and so if I have to suffer to see him happy I'm willing to make that sacrifice. On the other hand I do not want to feel guilty for wanting to rediscover myself and free to pursue my dreams.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Open a separate bank account, have the statements sent to a po box and stash some money away each week. I think one day you'll need it. 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 We actually have separate accounts. I have money saved already. It seems like he controls me by making me feel bad, he knows my family is everything to me, nothing else would work or keep me around. 1
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 We actually have separate accounts. I have money saved already. Good. It seems like he controls me by making me feel bad, he knows my family is everything to me, nothing else would work or keep me around. You are in charge of how you feel. The things he says to you probably have very little truth to them if you really sat down and thought about it. He probably just knows how to push your buttons by now. 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 I just care too much about his feelings. He said we don't spend enough time together, I changed jobs to get a different schedule. Now I'm on graveyard n he said he misses me because he never sees me. I feel bad but there's not much I can do right now. He says I'm never going to be home if I promote and I was neglecting my family, so j gave up on that specific promotion...now I'm miserable.. I now know not to make any career decisions based on my husbands feelings. Ultimately I have to live with it.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 He probably doesn't want you making more money because leaving him will become easier. In the future your feelings count every bit as much as his do, okay? No matter what.
OneLov Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 You are in a codependent relationship. There is no individuality and thus no intimacy. You're one mind existing in two bodies. These relationships are not based on mutual love and respect. They're based in fear and need. More than likely, you had a difficult or overbearing parent(s) that did not respect your individuality. The reason your husband is blaming everyone else is because he cannot fathom you're an individual capable of having independent emotions and making separate choices. He sees you as an extension of himself. These relationships are rarely satisfactory for both individuals because they are invariably one-sided. You've shed your individuality to conform to the expectations of the relationship. Any expression of individuality is met with fear, i.e. your career. He cannot see that as being important to you because it is not important to him. He can't stand on his own two feet without you. The reason why your flight response is activated is because the relationship is a 24/7/365 job that doesn't pay. This flight response is causing an internal split-self. You're running away from you because he is you and you're him. Your looking to escape your reality and an affair is low-hanging fruit. You both need serious IC and MC if you ever hope to gain mutual satisfaction, love, and respect from this relationship. I wish you luck. 10 Signs You're In A Codependent Relationship - mindbodygreen.com 2
mikeylo Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Make one thread and be honest. You are all over the place and giving some info here and there. You cheated emotionally. You say that the other guy understood you. Did you even try and speak to your husband ? Was he dismissive? Did he utterly reject your feelings ? I doubt. You are covering up your azz to justify your 'need' to get involved with the other guy. It was a desire. Not a need. He is not isolating you. He is telling you in clear terms that other men are not allowed in your relationship. Fair enough. That's what it is , stay committed both emotionally and physically else the door is there. He isn't asking anything unusual. That's what a true monogamous relationship is. I have always believed that there is no place for opposite sex friends in a relationship. ' Friends' don't always have our best interests. They can be backhanded advisors that ruin your love life. Being brought up in a sheltered environment does make you a target for predator men. No doubt there. Their experience with women is so vast that they can just tell, without even talking to you. You have been given a chance to rebuild trust. Start from cutting off ALL opposite sex people out of your life. With immediate effect. Like right now. If you don't interact only in front of him but continue behind his back , it will come back to bite you. Why ? Because when you meet them in front of your spouse , your ' friends ' and your behavior will give it away in less than 2 seconds that you have been interacting behind his back. You've got to do it. No other way around. You can call him controlling or whatever but he has set his mind that if you want him ,then no other men in the picture. It's your decision now. Not everyone gets a second chance. If you've got it , use it or regret later because those who give chances, don't live in regrets. 4
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 I keep telling my dh that we are 2 individuals in this marriage. He said once we got married we are 1. I said yes we are married but we still are 2 ppl. I talked to him about being co dependent. He says he only knows how to love one way. That he is not going to lower his level and love or give me less attention because that would mean that he isn't giving our marriage everything he has to offer. Right not he tells me he loves me multiple times a day and if I don't text it or say it back he gets extremely offended. I just told him I don't necessarily need to say it all the time? That actions speak louder than words. I think it could be that would have been together for so long that we just got used to catering to each other. Sometimes I do feel smothered and U tell him that but he says it is not his intention. He says he wishes I would get just as excited to see him and spend time with him as he gets when he receives messages from me or sees me. He doesn't enjoy hobbies or spend any time with his friends. Once in awhile he will go visit his dad but other then that is pretty much a family man and wants to be home. I appreciate my dh puts us first but I told him I just want to be on a healthy relationship. 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 My dh before did multiple things in the past that I resented him for. These events go back , way back 10 years ago. Be it his drunken nights, not supporting my career advancement, trying to please my father over me, not being a very good support system when I was pregnant, pitching in after our baby was born, I got deathly ill after we had our son, had to go to the hospital to get surgery and on my discharge date my dh went to one of his friends wedding instead being home for me. Any way those are just a few things, his family says I made him a man and since I have been in his life he has become more responsible and just a better person. I just feel like I've spent our whole relationship helping and fixing him, which is normal but I feel like he has held me back because he is afraid of losing me. I pushed him , encouraged and motivated him to do better. Always am supportive of whatever he wants to do, professionally and overall, so I feel like Maybe I'm tired of giving him direction all the time. I want him to take the initiative and just take charge sometimes but it doesn't seem like it's possible. Since my dad was super alpha I find myself wanting a a man with similar characteristics but my husband is really not a take charge kinda person because he is used to me telling him what to do and making all of the major decisions, be it financial, etc. I actually talking to the OM because I felt unappreciated when I spent our entire relationship focused on him and then him not being able to support me when I needed him the most and then questioning my loyalty and faithfulness to him made me feel less than and like he didn't know me at all.. I slowly started to lose myself, because the old me would've never let any man control my future..I couldn't just leave because of our child and I needed him, he was being selfish and told me he was sorry, that he is a better man now.. Before when we used to argue he would tell me I don't make enough money, that if he left me he would take my retirement, just hurtful things, he apologized but certain things he said still replay in my mind, I tried to get this promotion to make more money. But then it seemed like he was threatened like he accused me of wanting to leave him for another man that made more money than him, told me to go screw other dudes, I felt extremely disrespected, especially since I had given him all of me and he was the only one I've been with intimately. 1
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Do you go for counseling? Maybe you should look into that. When you're with a control freak it does a number on your head.
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 We are going to mc, and my dh ic. I went to about 2 ic sessions but need to find a new counselor because mine relocated and o need one closer to home.
MomLeslieM Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Is marriage counseling helping? It will only help if you are both honest -- if not then mc won't really help. Having a neutral person in a neutral location to talk and know that nothing leaves the room sounds exactly like what you both need. Have you asked either the marriage counselor or dh's individual counselor for a recommendation? Or your prior counselor who moved? There's definitely a lot to work through - including it sounds like your own real feelings - do you love your husband? Do you want to stay with him? Is there really control/emotional abuse going on or is it just the way you're looking at it his actions? Please please be honest with your mc and find another individual too for you...
OneLov Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) But just like your super-alpha father, your husband is difficult, if not impossible, to please. It's never good enough. You can spend eternity demonstrating your love and devotion but none of that matters if you do not respond to his next text message within an arbitrary amount of time that is solely determined by him. I've been in a relationship like this before. Everyday it's like fighting a losing battle. No matter what you do, you'll never be accepted for who you are. You'll be made to feel inadequate because you're not constantly professing your undying love for him. Like, there's something wrong with wanting more out of life like a career and emotional connections in the form of friends (even if they're the same sex). Any attention spent on things such as hobbies is met with suspicion and jealousy. I'm not trying to minimize the impact of your infidelity but this is some serious s***. Given the impact of that, it's going to take some serious comprise on both of your parts if your goal is a mutually fulfilling and satisfactory relationship. But if he could not trust and thereby respect you when you were being faithful, how is he ever going to now? Not trying to be disrespectful, only asking you an honest question given the facts. ***An old Bob Dylan song comes to mind, "It Ain't Me Babe" Edited September 29, 2016 by OneLov 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 Well he is constantly on me, like right when I wake up he asks me if I'm ok, when I come home he asks me if I'm ok, will follow me to the bathroom and says we never have time to talk, that he is not important to me. That he wishes I loved him as much as he loves me. He says all we need are each other. Sometimes I feel like I'm not deserving of his love because I should be just as obsessed with him as he is with me, I would be just fine without him and don't need him financially but do want to be with him. He says I'm the only female in his life that has been stable. He doesn't have a good female role model living. His mom was horrible to him, he is not close to his sister 7 yr age gap. His grandma passed 8 yrs ago which he adored. He cried for the first 2 weeks , couldn't sleep, couldn't eat when I told him I didn't want to be with him, it got worse after he found out I was texting a male coworker. He couldn't sleep, and I felt disgusted with myself .. I wasn't thinking about his feelings at the time , I wanted out. Now I'm back on planet earth and trying to figure out what it is I want..
Author Helivesforme Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 It's like he can't function without me which is not healthy, so that's what I told him.. He says he just wants to be with me forever and asks me if I want to be with him forever. I said I want to take it a day at a time. I want to focus on the task at hand. We need to figure our issues and address why we weren't getting along, at this point I see us going in 2 different directions, I want to start my career and it seems like he just doesn't want me to, and since I was going to leave him he is just agreeing to support me .
mikeylo Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Bottom line : You guys are drifting apart. When you invested emotionally in someone else, what else is going to happen? Your spouse is going to now detach themselves from you, emotionally. You have pushed away. Why should they invest in you when you are busy investing in others ? The betrayed people , all react differently. Some shout , scream , some become violent while few exit gracefully. You made the decision, they let you live with it. Catch the bull by its horns now , when there are still feelings and before they become emotionally numb to you. And yes, dump your ' friends and acquaintances ' before you even finish reading this. The worst part I always say about situations like these is that you will probably not repeat this with another person but now they have to live with the trust issue that you gave them. No matter what you say , I personally have no sympathy for people who play with emotions of others and then cry a river when the betrayed exit. 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 I don't want him to be numb like I was. I'm doing everything to regain his trust.
Just a Guy Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Hi Helices, I hadn't read this thread of yours when I commented in your other one in this sub forum. It seems that there is a lot of drama in your relationship. Apparently your husband seems very insecure and you have subconsciously lost respect for him. Once that happened the next logical event to take place was you checking out of your relationship. I have not read your account of your interaction with the OM but just read something about an OM, so I am assuming you had an EA at the very least if not a PA. All this follows as the logical sequence of your having lost respect for your husband and then checking out of your marriage followed by your having an EA/PA. My only comment about all this is that you should have had the moral courage to divorce your husband before moving on to other men. From all that you have written, it is apparent that your husband is not as emotionally and mentally evolved as you and comes across as emotionally needy and dependent on you in a parasitic way. It is obvious you cannot carry him as an albatross round your neck for the rest of your life. He may have some sterling qualities but hr has a lot of growing up and maturing to do and, in fact, you would be doing him a life saver favour by separating/divorcing him so that he is left alone on his own to grow up. If he learns his lessons in time before you get hitched to someone else well, good for him and maybe you two can get back together. If not, then so be it and you can move on with your life as can he. Yes it will be painful for both of you but right now you are flogging a dead horse and going no where with it. Guess you have to make some difficult adult choices on behalf of both of you and get cracking on the next phase of your life. I am usually of the opinion that relationships should be given as long a rope ad may be needed to save them. But in this case I think your relationship has run it's course and both of you would do well in your individual capacities to end a sham that has gone on for too long. Warm wishes.
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