almostthere Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Ok...i need some help here. i have been dating a guy for 1yr and 3mths. he wants to move in together....i dont. he wants to get engaged...i dont. it doesnt mean i dont want to do those things ever....its just that i havent made up my mind on him yet. see...he analyzes everything. i say i want a girls night out once a month and he turns it into something personal. like why cant i go or why dont you want to be with me? i sleep over 5 or 6 nights a week at his house. like 1 time a month is going to matter. i cant go out on wednesday nights so he wants to sleep over by my house. but i enjoy this night all to myself. im home with the kids and no sitter. i watch a movie by myself when the kids are in bed and sometimes paint my nails or just sit and think. i bartend friday and saturday night til 3am. he wants me to go to his house after work to sleep next to him. and then his alarm goes off at 400am and he hits snooze til 5am. then i set the alarm for 7am to wake up again and go home to go back to sleep til 10am. is it wrong i just want to go home at 3 am and get uninterrupted sleep? i work a full time job on top of this job. so on fridays i leave the house for work at 6am and i get home again at 3am. i think you can imagine how tired i am after working all day and night. i need a little alone time. i feel suffocated. he wants me there all the time. and i need a little time to myself. theres no happy median here is there. i get frustrated being there every free second i have. and he gets mad when i say i need a little time to myself. i want to tell him i need time to think about this relationship. like a week or two. but i dont know how or what good it will do. one more thing...is it bad when you dont know why you love someone. he asked me why and i cant explain it. my friends and family ask me why and i have nothing to say other then hes a great guy. maybe i dont love him. maybe i only care about him. i dont know anymore.
noname Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by almostthere Ok...i need some help here. i have been dating a guy for 1yr and 3mths. he wants to move in together....i dont. he wants to get engaged...i dont. it doesnt mean i dont want to do those things ever....its just that i havent made up my mind on him yet. see...he analyzes everything. i say i want a girls night out once a month and he turns it into something personal. like why cant i go or why dont you want to be with me? i sleep over 5 or 6 nights a week at his house. like 1 time a month is going to matter. i cant go out on wednesday nights so he wants to sleep over by my house. but i enjoy this night all to myself. im home with the kids and no sitter. i watch a movie by myself when the kids are in bed and sometimes paint my nails or just sit and think. i bartend friday and saturday night til 3am. he wants me to go to his house after work to sleep next to him. and then his alarm goes off at 400am and he hits snooze til 5am. then i set the alarm for 7am to wake up again and go home to go back to sleep til 10am. is it wrong i just want to go home at 3 am and get uninterrupted sleep? i work a full time job on top of this job. so on fridays i leave the house for work at 6am and i get home again at 3am. i think you can imagine how tired i am after working all day and night. i need a little alone time. i feel suffocated. he wants me there all the time. and i need a little time to myself. theres no happy median here is there. i get frustrated being there every free second i have. and he gets mad when i say i need a little time to myself. i want to tell him i need time to think about this relationship. like a week or two. but i dont know how or what good it will do. one more thing...is it bad when you dont know why you love someone. he asked me why and i cant explain it. my friends and family ask me why and i have nothing to say other then hes a great guy. maybe i dont love him. maybe i only care about him. i dont know anymore. everything you just typed, you need to tell him straight up. take your alone time, whether he likes it or not because it is just as important to the health of your relationship as it is to your personal well being. same thing for girls night out. he needs to understand that these are your needs and if you do not meet them then you feel "suffocated". i can almost guarantee that if you tell him you feel "suffocated" that'll make his ears perk. and oh yeah, you are a single parent to boot so your you time needs to be you time. and that making you sleep through alarms all week. selfish. and one more thing. you can love somebody and not be able to put it in words. i am not saying that you are in love with him. but you do not need to be able to voice every little detail. you just doubted that love so i don't know what to tell you but, don't base it on definition. i say again... everything you just typed, you need to tell him straight up. establish comfort zones that are good for both of you or else you will crash and burn... i wouldn't worry about it that much though. sounds like a communication problem, like you not establishing your boundaries more than it sounds like he doesn't respect them...
Cupcake Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 ....and it should be specific. There are many details that can't be put into words. But when you love someone, you know for sure that it's love, and you know exactly why. If you doubt your feelings about a person, it definately isn't love. With doubt, there could be sincere care and concern for the person. Some people say that love is blind. But that only means that love will make you ignore things sometimes that you don't really want to see. In actuality, love is very clear. There is no room for doubt about your feelings. You can doubt rather you'll always love ther person. You can doubt rather they love you like you love them. But you won't doubt your own feelings when you are in love. From what you have written about your relationship, you don't seem to be in love with this man. Obviously, he cares a lot more for you than you do for him. Perhaps you do love him, but your love isn't as strong as his. Whatever you feel for him should be specificly defined. Start by asking yourself these questions: 1) What does this person contribute to my life? 2) Why do I spend time with this person? 3) What makes this person "really great?" 4) How would I feel if this person were not a part of my life? Your answers to these questions could help you decide if you love him or not. If you discover that you love him, those answers will help you explain the reason why you love him, or don't love him. Good luck!!
lvgrly Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 I agree, I would say there needs to be a reason..I mean come on, there has to be something going through your head on WHY you love that person, just tell them that. It makes the other person feel alot better, and also lets them know your not blowing smoke up their ass
Swamp Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 I think you need to break up with him, almost as a litmus test. The problem is -- he NEEDS you. You are validating him as a person. He is finding completion in you. He would be lost without you, and that is blind, immature infatuation. There is no love there, and there is definitely no RESPECT. He does not respect you, or your friendship. He is infatuated with you. I date a bartender as well, who doesn't get home until 3:00 a.m. Luckily I stay awake late working on my music, but sometimes if I am already in bed and she wants to go have some drinks after work with her friends, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. I love the fact that we have a relationship where if one of us calls the other person and says we won't be hanging out, that it's not a big deal. That makes us want eachother even more, you know? You can't be constantly immerced in somebody. That isn't healthy, it isn't attractive, and it isn't genuine love. It sounds like even if you gave him every minute of your life -- he would STILL be unhappy. I despise people like that, because I used to be one. I was this guy several years ago, before I learned the true meaning of love, respect and compassion with a significant person. He is afraid to be alone. Tell him, and be completely and brutally honest, that things are going to be the way you want them to be, or you are going to walk. Do not let anyone argue with you on this. You are feeling something that is completely healthy AND natural.
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