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Issues with girlfriend's baby's daddy


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Posted

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months. I knew coming in that she has 2 kids and knew fairly early that her ex has been and still is abusive to both her and her kids. They have no custody arrangement, and has a felony warrant out on him for domestic violence from her. He's put spy software on her old phone. He has contracted me threatening her life, etc. I don't whey while I'm there, but I can't always be there.

 

3 months ago he followed them home from the library and blocked their car in the road and started acting a fool, of course scaring the hell out of her and the kids. She called the cops and had another warrant filed as well as getting a restraining order on him. The kids no longer wanted to see our speak to him. He finally disappeared and stayed away for 3 months.

 

In the last few weeks, her oldest who just turned 10, has been noticeably upset. She's told her mom that she worried about daddy (not her birth father, but he came into the picture very very early) and that she loves me and don't want my feelings hurt. We just tried to deal with it and hope it passed, but it didn't. She began writing dark things that was beginning to worry her mom. I made the suggestion last week that maybe she should attempt to call her dad. Her mom talked to her about it and they decided to try that. It worked, they talked, instant change in her daughter.

 

That was Wednesday night. Friday my gf tells me her daughter now wants to go see him. I tell her it's a bad idea, as he is mentally abusive (he's been in and out over the past 9 years, always nice at the start, then goes back to the abuse). But I tell her that she is her mom, and ultimately she will do what she thinks is right.

 

In comes my issue. The daughter goes with her dad for the weekend. Whatever, I'll bite my tongue about that, kids need their dad, I was product of a divorce, I get that. 5 am Saturday morning, the dad calls me. Begins to tell me not to get comfortable, he's coming right back in their life and I'll be gone before long. As I thought, it's always been about her mom and splitting us up, not the kids. I know she doesn't want him and I trust her in that aspect. However, I have told her I have a problem with them talking when the kids aren't involved. I understand they have to communicate a little bit when it comes to dropping off and picking up kids, but after kids are picked up and back with mom, I didn't understand why she would need to have any communication with him until the next time they go with him. Her daughter has a phone we got her, and I think he should be contacting her and not her mom, especially when he's already voiced to me that his intentions are to split us up.

 

Anyways, after he called that morning, he sent me a couple of texts where her and him were talking about me being mad they were talking. I ended up going over and talking to her about all of this; about how I had a problem with them talking unless absolutely necessary; about how not one single thing about our relationship, especially us arguing, needed to be told to him; and about how I thought he should be communicating on her daughter's phone, not hers. She told me that they would only be talking about the kids.

 

2 days later, I get another several texts from him about him moving in on us, then one more text where she was talking about us. That had me really curious so I began checking text history, while I know it's not right, I'm also only seeing who she sends and receives texts from, not the actual content. I told her I looked, I'm not going to hide anything from her, and asked her why she was still talking to him like that. She said it was all about the kids and that most of the texts were her daughter using his phone. She also said she's trying to be nice so he won't blow up avg this might get better (silly in my opinion). I can't prove otherwise so I trust her. She then said maybe I should have let a few more days go by and then is she's still talking excessively then I should say something. Last night, after the kids were down and I was waiting on her to call, I saw they texted a few times right before she called, and then a few more times as soon as we got off the phone. Granted it could very well be about the kids, I feel like she has no need to tell him about the kids, he should be asking the kids. I haven't brought it to as I don't want to keep harping on it day after day, so I thought I'd try to put it aside and have a good week or two and then if they still chat, say something. She said on the phone that if it comes down to it, that she'd choose my happiness over his, but I don't want to have to force her to choose.

 

I know it was long, but any advice is appreciated.

  • Like 1
Posted

You will be the big loser in this story.

 

How long between splitting with him and meeting you?

 

Honestly do yourself a huge favor and terminate this. I can see you getting attached to the kids and then making it too hard for you to let go of something toxic.

 

Look at you, there you are supervising her texts, that's what it has come down to. If she wanted to pick you she would have done so already.

  • Like 7
Posted

She is still very much involved with him emotionally.

 

 

Walk away.

 

 

From my journal:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 3
Posted

Sorry I know you love her and care about the kids and all BUT for your own well being you need to walk. Your GF isn't toxic but her baggage is, and it's not yours to fix nor should you be a part of it. IMO it is unfair of her to even bring you into this, while things are still very volatile with her ex. You being there is actually putting her and her kids at risk. I know you don't want to hear this but for everyone's safety, you need to end this relationship and move on. Stop being a white knight.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

I was thinking about just enjoying the next week or two and then bring it up to her. I've brought up some petty issues in the last few weeks and had "sit downs" so before this issue came up she was already annoyed with excessive talks. So I was gonna have one or two good weeks before I brought it up. Or should I bring it up to her today?

  • Like 1
Posted

Get out before you get in too deep.

 

I've done this before and while the father was not nearly as blatant about his intent to disrupt the new relationship, he was very much a negative force during what should've been the breeziest part of the relationship.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Also she knows I can see they talk, she's said if she wanted to hide it she would. I don't think I'm going to spend the rest of our relationship checking up cause I'm not ok with that either. I'm just looking for proof that she actually cares about how I feel about this.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
I was thinking about just enjoying the next week or two and then bring it up to her. I've brought up some petty issues in the last few weeks and had "sit downs" so before this issue came up she was already annoyed with excessive talks. So I was gonna have one or two good weeks before I brought it up. *Or should I bring it up to her today?

 

*If it bothers you today, bring it up today.

 

The alternative would be let it bother you for a few weeks and bring it up then.

 

That seems like a bad option to me.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 2
Posted
Also she knows I can see they talk, she's said if she wanted to hide it she would. I don't think I'm going to spend the rest of our relationship checking up cause I'm not ok with that either. I'm just looking for proof that she actually cares about how I feel about this.

 

You need to check her text history to know if she cares about you? Doesn't that answer your question by itself?

 

She already knows you don't like this situation, she already knows their daily chit chat is affecting you a great deal. You, the man that dates her with all of her drama and baggage. How many men you think would be willing to date her under these conditions? If I had a man dating me with all of her drama you bet I'd get rid of the ex presto! he would not have to repeat himself.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

Could there be a possibility that she is in fact doing this all for her children? I prefer him be in the kids lives too, but I don't think she needs any not than minimal contact and maybe she's just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is? I'm not making excuses for her, I just don't want to be too hasty in ending a relationship with someone I can easily see spending my life with.

  • Like 3
Posted

She excessively texts her ex, but turns around and says it' on her daughter,

When found out, she tells you give her a few days to get out of hot water...

If she had wanted to pick you, her ex wouldn't even be given the time of day,

She'd communicate for pickups only, not text him in your face anyway.

 

Of course she knows you see the message frequency, you told her as much,

Do you REALLY think she's going to just come out and tell you her feelings as such?

Not only did you tell her HOW you found out, which now she can hide....

You are looking for proof she cares, you have it, it's continuing to text him like that under disguise!

 

 

Also she knows I can see they talk, she's said if she wanted to hide it she would. I don't think I'm going to spend the rest of our relationship checking up cause I'm not ok with that either. I'm just looking for proof that she actually cares about how I feel about this.

 

If she did, she would have tried to compromise your request,

Instead, she kept right on texting, and used a different phone to text!

 

Anyways, after he called that morning, he sent me a couple of texts where her and him were talking about me being mad they were talking. I ended up going over and talking to her about all of this; about how I had a problem with them talking unless absolutely necessary; about how not one single thing about our relationship, especially us arguing, needed to be told to him; and about how I thought he should be communicating on her daughter's phone, not hers. She told me that they would only be talking about the kids.

 

Re-read this. Understand that she's fighting to keep communication, outside of her kids, with this man against your request, and she's in a relationship WITH YOU, NOT HER EX. HER EXES REQUESTS, OUTSIDE OF THEIR KIDS, SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A SECOND THOUGHT TO IGNORING. THEY AREN'T TOGETHER.

 

Ask yourself, why does she fight to keep communication alive with him, outside of arranging kid pickups, and then when confronted, you give "a few days" for her to find an alternate mode of communication....masking it as "her daughter" using his phone. Late at night. Past bed time. K.

 

I saw they texted a few times right before she called, and then a few more times as soon as we got off the phone.

 

Yep, she definitely took your request to heart!

  • Like 1
Posted
Could there be a possibility that she is in fact doing this all for her children? I prefer him be in the kids lives too, but I don't think she needs any not than minimal contact and maybe she's just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is? I'm not making excuses for her, I just don't want to be too hasty in ending a relationship with someone I can easily see spending my life with.

 

You did not answer my question.

 

How long between splitting with him and meeting you?

  • Like 2
Posted
You need to check her text history to know if she cares about you? Doesn't that answer your question by itself?

 

She already knows you don't like this situation, she already knows their daily chit chat is affecting you a great deal. You, the man that dates her with all of her drama and baggage. How many men you think would be willing to date her under these conditions? If I had a man dating me with all of her drama you bet I'd get rid of the ex presto! he would not have to repeat himself.

 

This. So much this.

 

QFT = Quoted for truth!

 

You're second choice, at the moment, to her ex. She's using her kids as an excuse to text him when specifically asked not to outside of pickup/dropoff arrangements.

 

If she wanted you, respected your opinion, and truly wanted to work this out, it's as easy as ignoring his texts, cutting communication down to custody arrangements / life situations only, and respecting the man she chose to ****ing date.

 

Stop wasting your time unless she changes her tune man. Plenty of other single mothers who want passion. Give it to someone else, or make her work for it, because in my opinion, you have been level-headed with your requests....I would ask the same thing.

  • Like 2
Posted

There seems to be quite a bit of communicating and visitation going on for a guy with outstanding warrants and a restraining order against him, unless I missed something and we're talking about two different guys.

 

 

It'd be a little too much drama for me, either way.

  • Like 10
Posted
Could there be a possibility that she is in fact doing this all for her children? I prefer him be in the kids lives too, but I don't think she needs any not than minimal contact and maybe she's just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is? I'm not making excuses for her, I just don't want to be too hasty in ending a relationship with someone I can easily see spending my life with.

 

I just ran this through the Universal Translator, and it came out as follows:

 

 

"I really hate this situation and its bad for me, but I'm afraid of saying anything, because it might displease her."

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 7
  • Author
Posted

No, the excessive text she said were her daughter was while her daughter was with him, I can actually see when her daughter's phone ceased texting and it picked up between them. Her daughter has always texted her excessively while she's with her dad. Since the weekend, the communication from him hasn't really slacked off, but her return texts have gone from 40 or 50, which was before I talked to her about it, to less than 10 a day yesterday and today.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

They've been on and off for 9 years, she's never had another man besides him until me. They had been split up for around a year when I came along, but they still did stuff together with the kids.

Posted
They've been on and off for 9 years, she's never had another man besides him until me. They had been split up for around a year when I came along, but they still did stuff together with the kids.

 

 

And their off time is usually how long?

 

Do you realize you just met her during one of their Off time?

  • Like 2
Posted
No, the excessive text she said were her daughter was while her daughter was with him, I can actually see when her daughter's phone ceased texting and it picked up between them. Her daughter has always texted her excessively while she's with her dad. Since the weekend, the communication from him hasn't really slacked off, but her return texts have gone from 40 or 50, which was before I talked to her about it, to less than 10 a day yesterday and today.

 

If you trust her, and she's proven to you that you're the man in her mind,

Give it a shot then, you obviously feel strongly about her enough in kind.

But to show you how easy it is, go to the app store, look for a "private" texting app,

How hard is it to get a $20 prepaid phone tomorrow knowing her main phone is tapped?

 

And you gave her a week.

 

Of course the texting frequency on the line you have access to has dropped. You told her you were monitoring it.

 

She tried saying it was her daughter after that, ignoring your original request and changing the argument to a different subject altogether. Avoidance...

 

Didn't like what you saw, she didn't honor your request, and now you're doubting kicking her to the curb.

Posted
They've been on and off for 9 years, she's never had another man besides him until me. They had been split up for around a year when I came along, but they still did stuff together with the kids.

 

So for 9 years she kept going back to an abusive man, a man she has to have restraining order against, a man that follows her and terrifies her and her KIDS. All this dragging little kids into it? THAT is the woman you don't want to break up with?

  • Like 5
  • Author
Posted

I'm not doubting, but she's told me she can't not talk to him when he has a kid with him, which I understand. She's really not had an opportunity other than yesterday and today, which the texting has been drastically reduced. I'm perfectly willing to walk away if she can't at least compromise with be on this, but I don't want to jump the gun as this is the first red flag in 7 months

Posted

A lot of people end up in bad situations, because they have a high tolerance for inappropriate behaviour.

 

I think that this is why the OP doesn't want to act.

 

A little intolerance would be good.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 2
Posted

Why are you in a relationship with a woman that does nothing about this:

 

They have no custody arrangement, and has a felony warrant out on him for domestic violence from her. He's put spy software on her old phone. He has contracted me threatening her life, etc. I don't whey while I'm there, but I can't always be there.

 

Those children should not be allowed to be alone with him. There should be supervise visits if visits at all ! This man has threatened to kill her and she lets her daughter visit him alone for an entire weekend?? How is she so certain he won't start shedding his aggressiveness on her daughter?

 

Don't you see where she is completely irresponsible. Not being responsible for your own being is one thing but being stupid and irresponsible toward children is where I draw the line!

  • Like 6
Posted

It's only been 7 months and you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her??? You have rose colored glasses on. You can't possible know someone in 7 months. This is why this crap is still unraveling. You are in the honeymoon stage of your relationship where nothing matters but being with her. It's common to be blind to the unhealthy aspects of your situation. We are on the outside looking in, and we see what you are refusing to see. This isn't going to get better.

  • Like 1
Posted
It's only been 7 months and you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her??? You have rose colored glasses on. You can't possible know someone in 7 months.

 

Unfortunately, an attractive woman willing to regularly have sex with you can do astonishing things to a man's judgment and tolerance.

  • Like 2
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