Is my marriage over?

[Friskyone4u]

Helivesforme

 

If I still understand the issues here

(1) you married young

(2) your husband is overly co dependant and clingy

(3) you feel attraction to other men or think about it

(4) you acted in an EA only . You did not have PA, right????

(5) your husband found out and became more co dependent and rightly lacks trust

(6) he refuses therapy ( bad move)

(7) you want to stay with husband and have maintained NC with OM

(8) you are not in contact with any other OM

(9) your husband is determoned to "rugsweep" this

 

If what I wrote from your threads is basically correct, and you are doing the things to restore trust ( transparency, accountability for where you are), then write yourself a DETAILED timeline from start to finish if you have not done that, keep it, and at some time he may ask for it. Then do your best to get him into therapy .

 

Now you still have to decide if this "other man itch" is something you can shelve or if it is still front and center on your mind. There is nothing unnaturally about seeing members of the opposite sex that you are attracted to but acting is a different story.

 

And please ignore that idiotic statement above that your husband deserves you cheating and that there is nothing wrong with what you did. Your husband may deserve e for you to divorce him ,but no one deserves to be lied to, deceived, or manipulated over hormones if you have any respect for them as a person. That stupid statement probably came right out of Cosmopolitan. The default position is not to become or continue to become an adulterer. It is to try to fix it or leave.

 

You certainly sound like you have more moral fiber than the genius who wrote that to you.

 

Keep trying to move forward.

[Helivesforme]

Frisky,, No PA, he refused therapy before but eventually accepted. I do not believe he is rug sweeping. I reflected on what I did and I realized the following: My husband has always made me feel ashamed for being a sexual being. He has told me before that I am weird and has made comments before that he doesn't see the need for porn or masturbation. Sorry if that is TMI. Even though we have only been with one another intimately and I have never experienced being with another man I started to get curious and found myself more comfortable talking about sexual topics with other people. I didn't feel judged, and I wasn't made to feel "weird"or wrong. Because I was so angry at my husband there were several periods within the last 1-2 years where I felt disconnected and disgusted with my dh. I would not feel like being intimate with him. This made me extremely sexually frustrated and that is why I believe I reached out to the OM, although we were never physically intimate, I felt comfortable talking to him about my problems. All topics. I most recently, got to experience some mind blowing sex with my dh for the first time in 11 years, and this was he felt like he needed to Step up his game and not put himself first. I was sexually frustrated for,what it seemed to be like forever and this is what caused me to start fantasizing about what could be with The OM. Sex with my dh used to only last short periods, and after he finished he would fall asleep , leaving me wanting more. He would say things like, I'll wake you up for another round, but never did. Sometimes I would be angry and upset but I accepted this for years because I didn't have anything to compare it to. Now that things in the bedroom are great, the feelings and urges I had towards the OM have faded. I am getting what a I needed and what I have been asking for. I'm still not fully comfortable with sharing my sexual fantasies with my dh in fear that I will either 1. Hurt his feelings 2. He will make me feel guilty, dirty and weird 3. He will think I am not satisfied with him. I'm hoping that one day he will come around and confess to watching porn and masturbating, which he says he never does. Lastly, I would initiate and express that I needed more foreplay but he ignored me and said it wasn't necessary. He would rush me a lot of the times and I would reject him because I wasn't ready Yet. I probably resented him for all of this too.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Helivesforme

[DKT3]

I feel you have been and still are extremely disingenuous, you have been asked questions that you refused to answer yet you claim your not rug sweeping. Just because he hasn't asked again he asked before, and if you were being genuine you would supply him with his answers. It's really that simple.

 

I see absolutely no movement in your attitude, your still blaming everything on him and even coming up with new ways to do so. As I said before you are making no real progress, your husband is doing the pick me dance, at some point soon, it will stop and you will be exactly were you where before. Spinning wheels

[stillafool]

What exactly are you hoping to get from Loveshack?

[Helivesforme]

I feel you have been and still are extremely disingenuous, you have been asked questions that you refused to answer yet you claim your not rug sweeping. Just because he hasn't asked again he asked before, and if you were being genuine you would supply him with his answers. It's really that simple.

 

I see absolutely no movement in your attitude, your still blaming everything on him and even coming up with new ways to do so. As I said before you are making no real progress, your husband is doing the pick me dance, at some point soon, it will stop and you will be exactly were you where before. Spinning wheels

 

Not at all. I haven't taken responsibility for my actions and have taken the necessary steps to address and learn from my mistakes. Again mc & ic is assisting my dh and I by facing our issues and by providing tools, tips and resources to communicate better. I understand that it will take time, we both have lots to learn.

[Helivesforme]

Ppl on here have more relationship experience. I'm trying to get different perspectives, I'm learning and ultimately trying to find those that may be able to relate to me. I'm also looking for unbiased opinions and feedback. I wonder if the way that I have felt is normal and natural or if it's just me and I'm all wrong. I can accept both negative and positive input. I just don't have friends or family that can relate to my situation. I do not know any friends or family that have had this long of a relationship that I feel comfortable talking to.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Helivesforme

[Samhain]

It's amazing to me how many women have responded to the OP judging the husband and even going so far as saying "It's all his fault and not yours". Then assuming that her husband didn't support her promotion because he would have to pull his weight more around the house and feels that is the OP's job. Maybe he didn't support her promotion because crazy shifts and longer hours would mean less time spent together in a marriage that is already rife with problems, and he didn't want that? Maybe he already felt as though the connection between he and his wife was lacking enough without more time spent separated from one another.

 

Sure, he is paranoid, but then he's had good reason to be. It is never a betrayed spouses fault (Other than extreme circumstances, and that does not include being paranoid and slightly neurotic) that their partner chooses to cheat. That is on the individual and the individual alone.

 

Never underestimate the intuition one spouse has when they feel the other even slightly disconnecting. Which the OP has openly admitted she did long before she cheated.

 

If he's a little neurotic and anxious that would only fuel his paranoia further, even before she cheated (emotionally or otherwise) because he would have felt that pull. How much more blatant can "I'm checking out emotionally" be when your partner doesn't even want to share a bed with you?

 

OP, if you were so resentful of your husband because of your missing out on a promotion then that is exactly what you should have discussed with him way before you felt the need to go outside of your marriage and discuss it with others. That was your choice. That choice is on you and you alone and it isn't on your husband. He has faults, and he has obviously hurt you deeply, again, these are things you have a choice to disclose to and discuss with your partner. If you don't communicate, how is he supposed to know how deep the resentment ran?

 

Even your name is very telling "He lives for me", yet you are still completely indecisive as to what you want, and he isn't. A lot of women (and men too) have posted on this site venting about resentment toward a partner because of missed career opportunities, very rarely have they gone onto say they want to cheat, or divorce. But it's also a common excuse people who are already cheating use as a justification as to why their spouse didn't support them and therefore deserved to be betrayed.

 

You've already made bad choices, it's never too late to start making the right ones. If you don't love your husband enough to get through residual resentment then you have to choose to put and end to it once and for all and stop prolonging the inevitable. Through his faults it's clear to see your husband loves you very much and is clinging on. Of course he is questioning you, he's feeling anxious because he probably has a million images and thoughts in his head and whether you're sleeping or sat on the crapper he's going to blast them at you, because that's a consequence of your decision to go outside of your marriage.

 

Stop forcing yourself to try and "check back in" and "do the right thing", if your heart isn't in it, he will still feel that from you, and nothing will ever improve.

[NuevoYorko]

It's amazing to me how many women have responded to the OP judging the husband and even going so far as saying "It's all his fault and not yours". Then assuming that her husband didn't support her promotion because he would have to pull his weight more around the house and feels that is the OP's job. Maybe he didn't support her promotion because crazy shifts and longer hours would mean less time spent together in a marriage that is already rife with problems, and he didn't want that? Maybe he already felt as though the connection between he and his wife was lacking enough without more time spent separated from one another.

Plus, at the beginning of this thread, evidently there was a toddler. The author seems to have forgotten to include this aspect of the dynamic as the thread has grown, though.

[DKT3]

It's amazing to me how many women have responded to the OP judging the husband and even going so far as saying "It's all his fault and not yours". Then assuming that her husband didn't support her promotion because he would have to pull his weight more around the house and feels that is the OP's job. Maybe he didn't support her promotion because crazy shifts and longer hours would mean less time spent together in a marriage that is already rife with problems, and he didn't want that? Maybe he already felt as though the connection between he and his wife was lacking enough without more time spent separated from one another.

 

Sure, he is paranoid, but then he's had good reason to be. It is never a betrayed spouses fault (Other than extreme circumstances, and that does not include being paranoid and slightly neurotic) that their partner chooses to cheat. That is on the individual and the individual alone.

 

Never underestimate the intuition one spouse has when they feel the other even slightly disconnecting. Which the OP has openly admitted she did long before she cheated.

 

If he's a little neurotic and anxious that would only fuel his paranoia further, even before she cheated (emotionally or otherwise) because he would have felt that pull. How much more blatant can "I'm checking out emotionally" be when your partner doesn't even want to share a bed with you?

 

OP, if you were so resentful of your husband because of your missing out on a promotion then that is exactly what you should have discussed with him way before you felt the need to go outside of your marriage and discuss it with others. That was your choice. That choice is on you and you alone and it isn't on your husband. He has faults, and he has obviously hurt you deeply, again, these are things you have a choice to disclose to and discuss with your partner. If you don't communicate, how is he supposed to know how deep the resentment ran?

 

Even your name is very telling "He lives for me", yet you are still completely indecisive as to what you want, and he isn't. A lot of women (and men too) have posted on this site venting about resentment toward a partner because of missed career opportunities, very rarely have they gone onto say they want to cheat, or divorce. But it's also a common excuse people who are already cheating use as a justification as to why their spouse didn't support them and therefore deserved to be betrayed.

 

You've already made bad choices, it's never too late to start making the right ones. If you don't love your husband enough to get through residual resentment then you have to choose to put and end to it once and for all and stop prolonging the inevitable. Through his faults it's clear to see your husband loves you very much and is clinging on. Of course he is questioning you, he's feeling anxious because he probably has a million images and thoughts in his head and whether you're sleeping or sat on the crapper he's going to blast them at you, because that's a consequence of your decision to go outside of your marriage.

 

Stop forcing yourself to try and "check back in" and "do the right thing", if your heart isn't in it, he will still feel that from you, and nothing will ever improve.

 

This has been pointed out many times in her many threads....the nature of this beast is many here identify with her, having cheated on their own husband's, a common theme being women in good marriage don't cheat so by extension making it all the husbands causing the issues, them banging other men is a result of having sh itty husbands and not them being sh itty wives.

 

OP is just not owning it, but I can see a small break in the clouds with her. For brief periods between all the blaming her husband there is a small bit were she suggests maybe a little bit is on her, but quickly back to blaming him.

[elaine567]

It's amazing to me how many women have responded to the OP judging the husband and even going so far as saying "It's all his fault and not yours".

 

I have not seen any women doing that recently on this thread, but if you are referring to "insatiabledreams", that poster is apparently a man.

[DKT3]

I have not seen any women doing that recently on this thread, but if you are referring to "insatiabledreams", that poster is apparently a man.

 

Not to derail with who said what, but it has been said many times that her husband is controlling and at fault by several female posters in her many threads.

[Friskyone4u]

HeLivesforme

 

OK, sounds like you are making a little progress on the sex front if you recently had this mind blowing sex.

So like a good business plan, lets assess where you are now

(1) husband is coming around and making an attempt, at least for now, to satisfy better your sexual needs

(2) you stil feel he is sexually repressed and cannot open up to you. You suspect he does watch porn and masturbate but will not be honest for fear of shame and admit it

(3) you are afraid to go further in explaining your needs sexually to hubby for fear of making him feel inadequate or shocking him into withdrawal.

 

HLFM, you are never going to solve this until you overcome the "fear" in number 3. You are a young woman aspiring to remain in a monogamous relationship with your husband and avoid the "itch" to try another man physically. That means there is only one guy who has to be the chosen one and if he is clueless to what you REALLY REALLY WANT then unless he stumbles upon it by accident things will not be solved.

 

If you can afford it I would still drag him kicking and screaming to a sex therapist. Just understand, your EA is NOT going to go away and disappear from his thoughts any time soon. Too many think that because you did not physically hook up that it is not as bad. Not true for some people, especially a guy who is as co dependent as yours.

 

Just keep encouraging his advances and avoid anything that could be construed as suspiscious.

 

As far as what are you looking for that was asked to you. You take what you want out of the interactions here and you leave the rest.

 

I'd suggest sticking around

[Helivesforme]

Frisky,

 

That's exactly it. I think he feels inadequate in several areas. Which is why he accused me of cheating and wanting to cheat long before it occurred. I wish I could talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel but I'm telling you, he gets bent out of shape and thinks I'm getting ideas from other men or from experiences I had with other men that never took place. He should not feel ashamed, I told him it is natural for him to masturbate and watch porn and he says he doesn't do it, doesn't want to or need to. Says all he needs is me, maybe he feels like he would be cheating on me by doing those things, who knows,,.... I don't! Cause he won't admit it.... I want him to open up to me and to trust me fully with all of his sexual desires...sex therapist? He would never!! No man wants to talk about how they aren't or weren't satisfying their wives in the bedroom.

[Cephalopod]

Frisky,

 

That's exactly it. I think he feels inadequate in several areas. Which is why he accused me of cheating and wanting to cheat long before it occurred. I wish I could talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel but I'm telling you, he gets bent out of shape and thinks I'm getting ideas from other men or from experiences I had with other men that never took place. He should not feel ashamed, I told him it is natural for him to masturbate and watch porn and he says he doesn't do it, doesn't want to or need to. Says all he needs is me, maybe he feels like he would be cheating on me by doing those things, who knows,,.... I don't! Cause he won't admit it.... I want him to open up to me and to trust me fully with all of his sexual desires...sex therapist? He would never!! No man wants to talk about how they aren't or weren't satisfying their wives in the bedroom.

 

Can I ask you something personal? When he does make love to you, are the things he IS doing pleasurable for you? What I mean is, does he have the capability to get you off consistently, and maybe just lacks the confidence when it comes to trying new things?

 

I see with him a lack of confidence which he has probably had long before he met you. That can affect a man in every area when it comes to dealing with women.

[Helivesforme]

Can I ask you something personal? When he does make love to you, are the things he IS doing pleasurable for you? What I mean is, does he have the capability to get you off consistently, and maybe just lacks the confidence when it comes to trying new things?

 

I see with him a lack of confidence which he has probably had long before he met you. That can affect a man in every area when it comes to dealing with women.

 

Yes the things he does are pleasurable. He takes something I tell him I like and runs with it. So kinda gives me the same, not much variety. But I communicate verbally and guide him, I know he is not a mind reader. He has not mentioned any complaints about me or my performance in bed.. He actually stated about a month ago that Sex is not all that

Important cause we are gonna get old and saggy and gray one day and it won't matter. I asked him if he was serious and told him sex was a priority for me and we definitely needed to work

On things in the bedroom. I think he may lack confidence because he does not have any outside experience and he also told me his mom /grandma told him not to touch himself when he was younger. So it kinda stuck.

[mikeylo]

I've tried to put all pieces together, but can't make anything out except, you are messed up.

 

Your pointing out attractive men ( body ) to your spouse is beyond disrespectful. I could puke. It screams insecurity. Of course , it's not an acceptable behavior. Let me tell you, those people also mock at you behind your back. They don't respect you as well. The moment they see you , they are thinking , here comes the insecure one, let's wrap her around our fingers and then discard. They pretend to hold on to your every word , get their thrill of the day and move on to next woman like you. There are men also , just like you.

 

Your husband is basically asking you to behave. If you can't , he is out. You can get as many bodies around you but you don't find true love everyday. I guess, you will regret one day. These people with a body don't just have you , they have many others. You are not special to them.

 

You are digging hole for yourself , pretty deep.

 

And yes, he is going to reject you sexually if you are eyeing other bodies.

[Clay]

I've tried to put all pieces together, but can't make anything out except, you are messed up.

 

Your pointing out attractive men ( body ) to your spouse is beyond disrespectful. I could puke. It screams insecurity. Of course , it's not an acceptable behavior. Let me tell you, those people also mock at you behind your back. They don't respect you as well. The moment they see you , they are thinking , here comes the insecure one, let's wrap her around our fingers and then discard. They pretend to hold on to your every word , get their thrill of the day and move on to next woman like you. There are men also , just like you.

 

Your husband is basically asking you to behave. If you can't , he is out. You can get as many bodies around you but you don't find true love everyday. I guess, you will regret one day. These people with a body don't just have you , they have many others. You are not special to them.

 

You are digging hole for yourself , pretty deep.

 

And yes, he is going to reject you sexually if you are eyeing other bodies.

 

She still hasn't given him all the information and just from what she has said it sounds like the OM is of a different race and it also sounds she fears if she tells her husband about who he is he will leave.

 

Her marriage is doomed regardless. If you can't be honest to yourself then how can you be honest to other people and that is where the insecurity lives.

 

C

[mikeylo]

She still hasn't given him all the information and just from what she has said it sounds like the OM is of a different race and it also sounds she fears if she tells her husband about who he is he will leave.

 

Her marriage is doomed regardless. If you can't be honest to yourself then how can you be honest to other people and that is where the insecurity lives.

 

C

 

Honest people don't have affairs in the first place They don't put their loved ones through hell for selfish reasons and then blame them.

[Helivesforme]

She still hasn't given him all the information and just from what she has said it sounds like the OM is of a different race and it also sounds she fears if she tells her husband about who he is he will leave.

 

Her marriage is doomed regardless. If you can't be honest to yourself then how can you be honest to other people and that is where the insecurity lives.

 

C

 

Wrong again, he's of the same ethnicity. My dh knows that. He also knows of the OM as I gave him a brief overview of all my co workers in the past.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Helivesforme

[Clay]

Wrong again, he's of the same ethnicity. My dh knows that. He also knows of the OM as I gave him a brief overview of all my co workers in the past.

 

See I think this is where you bring it all back to making people confused. Did you tell him "Hey honey the guy I cheated on you with is xxxx xxxxxx." Or are you saying you told him it was a co worker and in other conversations you told him who all your co worker was and its just up to him to guess which one ?

[Helivesforme]

See I think this is where you bring it all back to making people confused. Did you tell him "Hey honey the guy I cheated on you with is xxxx xxxxxx." Or are you saying you told him it was a co worker and in other conversations you told him who all your co worker was and its just up to him to guess which one ?

 

I told him which one, but he never met him.

[DKT3]

She also commented about om being a different race.... Story is really hard to follow

[Clay]

I'm not sure if the details would help the situation. It will only make him think I'm am doing certain things when I'm not. Like he wants to know details like the OM ethnicity and name and all that. I don't work with the OM anymore. I do not want to be in a relationship with the OM. How is knowing his name and ethnicity going to help him? How is a timeline going to help? Our marriage counselor says these details Are not going to help him recover or heal. I am putting my family first by working on my own issues and working on being a better me, so that I can be a better wife and continue to be a super mommy.

 

I think for me this is where I got the impression the OM was of a different race.

 

So did you give your husband all the info or was it a brief overview like you implied?

 

Is there some concern that you feel if you told your husband everything he would leave you? Do you think by not giving him all the info like txt, Emails and a timeline your protecting him?

[Helivesforme]

There were never any emails. Gaps in communication too. I rejected the OM on several occasions. Then I was the one to reach out to him. He would just text me when I texted him but his responses were always immediate. He would ask me questions to try to figure out my schedule of kinda trying to get the ok for contacting me first but I kinda just ignored his hints. It was a more I would just reach out to him if I wanted to talk, then he was going through his wife cheating on him and divorce so I just kinda checked in with him to make sure he was ok.. Then of course he offered himself to me on occasion. No physical contact what so ever, haven't worked with the OM for over a year. I am trying to protect my dh in a way because the OM is not even close in quality. OM can't compare to DH. Talking to OM would make me appreciate my DH as weird as that sounds. OM is like a boy in a mans body but he was there for me and he had traits that attracted me.

[Cephalopod]

We're the traits purely physical? Or personality? Was he a bad boy?