Is my marriage over?

September 30, 2016

I'm not sure if the details would help the situation. It will only make him think I'm am doing certain things when I'm not. Like he wants to know details like the OM ethnicity and name and all that. I don't work with the OM anymore. I do not want to be in a relationship with the OM. How is knowing his name and ethnicity going to help him? How is a timeline going to help? Our marriage counselor says these details Are not going to help him recover or heal. I am putting my family first by working on my own issues and working on being a better me, so that I can be a better wife and continue to be a super mommy.

Most marriage counselors fail at saving a marriage after an affair. They do this by insisting that the BS allows the WS to rug sweep the affair.

Trickle truth and lying by omission is still lying and is just as bad.

A BH denied the truth will keep this BH searching, looking for the answers to his questions about the affair. I have known many BH 30 years after D day still unsettled because they never got the truth that they needed from their WW.

Just because these BH's stayed married did not mean that they recovered their marriage and healed. Just the opposite.

When you state that why does the BH have to know the ethnicity or race of the OM.

It makes me think your OM was of a different background then you.

Are you embarrassed that your OM's background?

What about your OM background would make your BH angry?

A WW being honest in answering her BH's questions is the first step that her be needs to see that her lying and cheating days are over. Without this display from the WW repairing the broken trust cannot begin. No marriage will be healthy without trust.

September 30, 2016

Hi

I am so sorry you and your husband are in this difficult season of your marriage, but I am certain that with time, patience and commitment to follow-thru, you CAN get through this WITH your marriage intact! No… as you've experienced thus far, it's not easy, but YES!! it IS possible. I believe I saw in this thread someone mentioned the book “Not Just Friends,” by S. Glass – I too, highly recommend reading this. It’s a great book from which I think you will both benefit. Below are some links to a few more books you might find helpful.

With that said, IMO some of the most toxic emotions in a relationship are anger, resentment. I do understand, really, I do how our emotions can sometimes dictate our behavior and/or choices– this is why learning to communicate is vital. If you are in MC, it is my hope that you will continue. As you and your H may have so far experienced, MC/IC can help you both face and deal with the hows/whys of what has occurred, but most importantly the WHAT NEXT. Healing from infidelity is probably one of the most difficult things you two will ever face. From the side of the BS, I can say how important it is that no information should ever be withheld or filtered. I think often times a CS will not understand why details are important, but trust me they are – the imagination can often be much worse than the truth, yes? It is also a big part of just being transparent, open and honest.

There may be many times where you’ll want to give up, but as an advocate of marriage it is my prayer that you will exhaust every resource to restore and heal your marriage. One of the greatest things my H and I did was to surround ourselves with a good, healthy support system – for us, we found it in our church community. If it is something you would consider, I hope to encourage you to talk with your pastor - often times a church will host workshops specifically focused on marriage restoration. Don’t give up and have faith in knowing that you can get through this, quite possibly having a deeper love than you thought possible.

You will be in my prayers.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 30, 2016

I'm not on the page that you had an affair... doesn't even sound emotional to me, maybe I missed something. However, if you need to talk, find a good girl friend for that. A guy just puts up a red flag. And you don't have to go into details with your husband, but tell him what he wants to know. Get that behind you.

Good luck.

Have you not read OP posts?

Here is just a snippet of her opening post.

It went downhill for 9 months, then I started venting to co workers, male co workers.. Started texting one in particular. Shared my feelings, personal needs. The thing is I was not looking for a relationship, and know the guy was just wanted to mess around. I never went out or had any physical contact with him. I talked to him because I felt numb, and needed an outlet and distraction from reality. It got worse when I started working graveyard. I felt lonely and on another planet.I thought about physically being with other men, just to feel alive.

September 30, 2016

Most marriage counselors fail at saving a marriage after an affair. They do this by insisting that the BS allows the WS to rug sweep the affair.

Trickle truth and lying by omission is still lying and is just as bad.

A BH denied the truth will keep this BH searching, looking for the answers to his questions about the affair. I have known many BH 30 years after D day still unsettled because they never got the truth that they needed from their WW.

Just because these BH's stayed married did not mean that they recovered their marriage and healed. Just the opposite.

This is a true fact. I know it now. I'd add that I wish I had known it then but I'd be lying. I wouldn't have listened.

But if you think about it, it's the most logical thing ever. What's an MC supposed to do? Save marriages. So does it help to bust on just one of the partners all the time? No, you have to hold them equally accountable. That right there should tell you everything. The MC is going to try and put the WS at ease and show that they both have things to work on.

I think probably this is where Shirley Glass revolutionized this kind of therapy. I don't know this for a fact, but it just seems that if you are following the findings then that's how you talk to the clients. Don't see why this can't work. I mean, there's the truth and then there's a palliative version of the truth for the purposes of therapy. Which would you rather have?

October 1, 2016

I'm trying to tell him this OM doesn't even compare to him.. I just talked to the OM to escape reality, numb the pain and because it was so convenient. The OM would always respond immediately... But I have cut all contact..I want to work on our marriage... How else can I help him stop worrying about this OM?

October 1, 2016

Hi

I am so sorry you and your husband are in this difficult season of your marriage, but I am certain that with time, patience and commitment to follow-thru, you CAN get through this WITH your marriage intact! No… as you've experienced thus far, it's not easy, but YES!! it IS possible. I believe I saw in this thread someone mentioned the book “Not Just Friends,” by S. Glass – I too, highly recommend reading this. It’s a great book from which I think you will both benefit. Below are some links to a few more books you might find helpful.

With that said, IMO some of the most toxic emotions in a relationship are anger, resentment. I do understand, really, I do how our emotions can sometimes dictate our behavior and/or choices– this is why learning to communicate is vital. If you are in MC, it is my hope that you will continue. As you and your H may have so far experienced, MC/IC can help you both face and deal with the hows/whys of what has occurred, but most importantly the WHAT NEXT. Healing from infidelity is probably one of the most difficult things you two will ever face. From the side of the BS, I can say how important it is that no information should ever be withheld or filtered. I think often times a CS will not understand why details are important, but trust me they are – the imagination can often be much worse than the truth, yes? It is also a big part of just being transparent, open and honest.
There may be many times where you’ll want to give up, but as an advocate of marriage it is my prayer that you will exhaust every resource to restore and heal your marriage. One of the greatest things my H and I did was to surround ourselves with a good, healthy support system – for us, we found it in our church community. If it is something you would consider, I hope to encourage you to talk with your pastor - often times a church will host workshops specifically focused on marriage restoration. Don’t give up and have faith in knowing that you can get through this, quite possibly having a deeper love than you thought possible.
You will be in my prayers.

Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity: Gary Shriver, Mona Shriver: 9781434765338 - Christianbook.com
Love and Respect for a Lifetime, Gift Edition: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs: 9781404189409 - Christianbook.com

Thank you for your prayers, I ordered the book just a couple days ago along with others. I don't want to give up. I don't want to lose that special bond we have.

October 1, 2016

I don't think your husband will trust you ever, again.

Even if the things will get better, when a small problem come up, he'll remaind that to you.

If you still have fellings for him, give it another try. If you think is not worthing, put an end now. Put yourself first. What you want. What you need. Because you deserve it.

October 1, 2016

I don't think your husband will trust you ever, again.
Even if the things will get better, when a small problem come up, he'll remaind that to you.
If you still have fellings for him, give it another try. If you think is not worthing, put an end now. Put yourself first. What you want. What you need. Because you deserve it.

Thank you. But I'm having a hard time putting myself first. Especially since I'm a mother and a wife. My family is first.. I always put them first,, the only time I tried to put myself first for the promotion didn't work out,, because I put my family and their needs and wants before mine.. There is no longer such a thing as putting myself first when I have mommy duties and rrsponsibilties I take personally. It is important to me to be in my son's life especially since my mom wasn't there for me growing up.

October 1, 2016

I don't think your husband will trust you ever, again.
Even if the things will get better, when a small problem come up, he'll remaind that to you.
If you still have fellings for him, give it another try. If you think is not worthing, put an end now. Put yourself first. What you want. What you need. Because you deserve it.

Thank you. But I'm having a hard time putting myself first. Especially since I'm a mother and a wife. My family is first.. I always put them first,, the only time I tried to put myself first for the promotion didn't work out,, because I put my family and their needs and wants before mine.. There is no longer such a thing as putting myself first when I have mommy duties and rrsponsibilties I take personally. It is important to me to be involved in my son's life especially since my mom wasn't there for me growing up. I want to be present, I want him to know and feel that he is #1.

October 1, 2016

Have you not read OP posts?
Here is just a snippet of her opening post.

It went downhill for 9 months, then I started venting to co workers, male co workers.. Started texting one in particular. Shared my feelings, personal needs. The thing is I was not looking for a relationship, and know the guy was just wanted to mess around. I never went out or had any physical contact with him. I talked to him because I felt numb, and needed an outlet and distraction from reality. It got worse when I started working graveyard. I felt lonely and on another planet.I thought about physically being with other men, just to feel alive.

TobyBoy,

Sure doesn't sound like an affair by any means.

Many of us have second thoughts, fantasies, look at men (women) and think "what would if be like to bang them".....

This is just another one of those. She did not get physical, nor emotionally.... any more that being a friend. Many of us have shared personal info and feeling with members of the opposite sex, without ending up in an affair.

She was down, and looking for someone to talk to... no harm in that.

However, it "could" have led to an affair, as that's how some start, but it didn't.

====

I'd strongly encourage her to put her best foot forward and save this marriage. Well worth it, and will be far from impossible. Will take a significant effort, but believe she has it.

October 1, 2016

TobyBoy,

Sure doesn't sound like an affair by any means.

It doesn't really matter what YOU think about it.

The OP's husband thinks she cheated on him emotionally and that is what matters and what the OP is facing here. Her husband is in a complete mess

She checked out of her marriage, left the marital bed, spent all her time chatting to this other man and now she can't get the hot bods of her co workers out of her mind whilst she has little sexual desire for her husband. There is a huge amount of resentment carried by the OP too over past events.

I don't agree that what she was doing was equivalent to just "talking to a friend".

Emotional affairs like this, do a huge amount of damage to marriages.

October 1, 2016

TobyBoy,

Sure doesn't sound like an affair by any means.

Many of us have second thoughts, fantasies, look at men (women) and think "what would if be like to bang them".....

This is just another one of those. She did not get physical, nor emotionally.... any more that being a friend. Many of us have shared personal info and feeling with members of the opposite sex, without ending up in an affair.

She was down, and looking for someone to talk to... no harm in that.

However, it "could" have led to an affair, as that's how some start, but it didn't.

====

I'd strongly encourage her to put her best foot forward and save this marriage. Well worth it, and will be far from impossible. Will take a significant effort, but believe she has it.

I understand what you're saying OR. The issue here is that her husband consider's it an EA. His opinion is really the only one that matters for purposes of this marriage and any attempt at reconciliation. We could try the facts in the court of public opinion and get a different verdict, but we don't have jurisdiction in their marriage; he's the only one that does.

The reason I feel reconciliation would be difficult is because the nature of codependent relationships. In these relationships, there is often massive rug-sweeping. The individual issues rarely get examined. There are often massive concessions offered in the hopes that this will "just go away." And that's not going to offer them a chance at an authentic relationship.

Ultimately, it's their choice. I'm no expert. Only offering my opinion based on the facts OP stated. To be fair, I think it was definitely an EA, and OP is minimizing it

Edited October 1, 2016 by OneLov

October 1, 2016

Thank you. But I'm having a hard time putting myself first. Especially since I'm a mother and a wife. My family is first.. I always put them first,, the only time I tried to put myself first for the promotion didn't work out,, because I put my family and their needs and wants before mine.. There is no longer such a thing as putting myself first when I have mommy duties and rrsponsibilties I take personally. It is important to me to be involved in my son's life especially since my mom wasn't there for me growing up. I want to be present, I want him to know and feel that he is #1.

There are always two sides to the story of a marriage. We've seen this when the BS comes onto their WS's thread and says, "Hey, this version is not mine. Here's mine," and it's all stuff the WS left out.

But even on the basis of what OP has submitted as "her" experience - someone who has a hard time putting herself first but whose affair story just took up the last however many web pages - it's hard to believe she believes this about herself. Isn't the first premise of having an affair putting yourself first?

Anyway, it's normal WS talk for me. Used to it from my WH who's seen himself as a victim his entire life (but who was sexually intimate with at least 5 women during his marriage, put work ahead of involvement in his kids' lives, etc.), seeing himself as misunderstood, underappreciated, even abused (he's not). I've read it lots here. For some WSs, their painful struggles are all they know, all they can see and the filter through which they interpret everything that happens to them. And because they suffer, they don't see themselves as selfish but as a martyr for others. One of their sacrifices includes not telling their spouses the truth of their infidelity to save the spouse from pain which is not even logical. But they're convinced they are always putting others first.

Not saying this is identical to OP's profile. Just putting it out there as one profile that came to mind and made me wonder . . . .

October 2, 2016

It doesn't really matter what YOU think about it.
The OP's husband thinks she cheated on him emotionally and that is what matters and what the OP is facing here. Her husband is in a complete mess
.......

While that could be correct, what would you suggest to correct it? Certainly no divorce... that would be giving in and conclusive to the husband that she had cheater, which she did not.

She needs to convince the husb that she did not cheat, and show him that she cares. And that's done by spending quatity time with him and attending to his needs.

Not at expert (like most of us), but we've seen this time and time again... where couples drift apart and don't pay attention to their marriage.... then one starts wondering. Marriage takes work, and it's really not that hard. However, the OP will have to work overtime to play catchup. I'm rooting for her.

October 2, 2016

While that could be correct, what would you suggest to correct it? Certainly no divorce... that would be giving in and conclusive to the husband that she had cheater, which she did not.

She needs to convince the husb that she did not cheat, and show him that she cares. And that's done by spending quatity time with him and attending to his needs.

Not at expert (like most of us), but we've seen this time and time again... where couples drift apart and don't pay attention to their marriage.... then one starts wondering. Marriage takes work, and it's really not that hard. However, the OP will have to work overtime to play catchup. I'm rooting for her.

I feel like everything I do isn't helping. Ever since I started graveyard 4 months ago my dh doesn't sleep well at night without me being there. He is constantly checking on me, even when I'm trying to Sleep, he will wake me up to ask me if I want a drink of water or if I'm ok, when I'm still laying in bed, he will come into the bedroom to

See what I'm doing. For example last night my sisters texted me , but even responding to them causes a problem, my dh is asking what I'm doing why I'm on my phone.. I get that he thinks I'm doing something shady because of the EA , he says he believes that I have cut all contact with the OM but still questions me. So if he doesn't believe me I told him he should say so instead of pretending. I'm an online shopper so I'll be on my phone sometimes shopping for clothes, cosmetics and then he will ask what I'm doing, and keep questioning so I need to stay off my phone. I can't even respond to these threads sometimes because he would not accept it. He would tell me I shouldn't be sharing our business with others, even though I don't know you all. He dad he's sad, he couldn't sleep, said I was mean to him because he I yelled at him when I was half asleep... For example I got out at 6am.. Try to stay awake so I can spend time with my dh and son.. Then we all took a nap around 3:30 pm. Obviously I'm exhausted and my dh asked me to rest but then wakes me up to ask me questions.. When I'm awake and obviously exhausted he will keep asking what's wrong with me, if im ok when I'm in a daze . I am patient and just tell him I'm tired but his constant checking in on me is driving me crazy. He said he just needs to stop caring about me so much.. That's not what it is.. It is is 20 times he asks me , if I'm ok, if I need anything, what am I thinking? , what's on my mind.. Again I think he's only saying he is going to support my work but if he can't sleep now during my graveyard .. When my schedule changes again I'm going to constantly worry about my dh wel being. I wish there was a way to help him... But it seems like he might need a distraction. His mind is going crazy .i feel isolated from the outside world..when I'm at work he will text me and get super bothered if I don't respond right away.. I explained to him I'm busy but yes I have downtime too. So I will text him ASAP so he knows I'm thinking about him and care for him. Sometimes I go a few hours without being able to answer his messages,, then he gets upset. This is when he should be sleeping too from 10pm-6am but since he has trouble sleeping without me he will text me. Mutilple times. I told him the other day I don't think we are compatible and that we want different things in life, when I was sleeping he came in and told me those comments made him emotional and he laid on me and cried. I am usually going to work after our long talks..and I feel emotionally drained. Sometimes I can't focus and make mistakes at work. I get that I deserve this punishment and all the consequences of the EA.. I get to breathe today at least for half a day while dh is at work. id not.

She needs to convince the husb that she did not cheat, and show him that she cares. And that's done by spending quatity time with him and attending to his needs.

Not at expert (like most of us), but we've seen this time and time again... where couples drift apart and don't pay attention to their marriage.... then one starts wondering. Marriage takes work, and it's really not that hard. However, the OP will have to work overtime to play catchup. I'm rooting for her.

I feel like everything I do isn't helping. Ever since I started graveyard 4 months ago my dh doesn't sleep well at night without me being there. He is constantly checking on me, even when I'm trying to Sleep, he will wake me up to ask me if I want a drink of water or if I'm ok, when I'm still laying in bed, he will come into the bedroom to

See what I'm doing. For example last night my sisters texted me , but even responding to them causes a problem, my dh is asking what I'm doing why I'm on my phone.. I get that he thinks I'm doing something shady because of the EA , he says he believes that I have cut all contact with the OM but still questions me. So if he doesn't believe me I told him he should say so instead of pretending. I'm an online shopper so I'll be on my phone sometimes shopping for clothes, cosmetics and then he will ask what I'm doing, and keep questioning so I need to stay off my phone. I can't even respond to these threads sometimes because he would not accept it. He would tell me I shouldn't be sharing our business with others, even though I don't know you all. He dad he's sad, he couldn't sleep, said I was mean to him because he I yelled at him when I was half asleep... For example I got out at 6am.. Try to stay awake so I can spend time with my dh and son.. Then we all took a nap around 3:30 pm. Obviously I'm exhausted and my dh asked me to rest but then wakes me up to ask me questions.. When I'm awake and obviously exhausted he will keep asking what's wrong with me, if im ok when I'm in a daze . I am patient and just tell him I'm tired but his constant checking in on me is driving me crazy. He said he just needs to stop caring about me so much.. That's not what it is.. It is is 20 times he asks me , if I'm ok, if I need anything, what am I thinking? , what's on my mind.. Again I think he's only saying he is going to support my work but if he can't sleep now during my graveyard .. When my schedule changes again I'm going to constantly worry about my dh wel being. I wish there was a way to help him... But it seems like he might need a distraction. His mind is going crazy .i feel isolated from the outside world..when I'm at work he will text me and get super bothered if I don't respond right away.. I explained to him I'm busy but yes I have downtime too. So I will text him ASAP so he knows I'm thinking about him and care for him. Sometimes I go a few hours without being able to answer his messages,, then he gets upset. This is when he should be sleeping too from 10pm-6am but since he has trouble sleeping without me he will text me. Mutilple times. I told him the other day I don't think we are compatible and that we want different things in life, when I was sleeping he came in and told me those comments made him emotional and he laid on me and cried. I am usually going to work after our long talks..and I feel emotionally drained. Sometimes I can't focus and make mistakes at work. I get that I deserve this punishment and all the consequences of the EA.. I get to breathe today at least for half a day while dh is at work.

Edited October 2, 2016 by Helivesforme

October 2, 2016

While that could be correct, what would you suggest to correct it? Certainly no divorce... that would be giving in and conclusive to the husband that she had cheater, which she did not.

Again that is your opinion, emotional cheating IS cheating to most people and it IS seen as cheating to the OP's husband obviously.

Or is he just upset about "nothing"...

October 2, 2016

Sorry double posted my last response.

October 2, 2016

Quote:

Originally Posted by OldRover View Post