Author Helivesforme Posted September 27, 2016 Author Posted September 27, 2016 You don't know the full story, and you don't know me as a person so I won't take what you've written personally. He didn't want me to promote because I would be making a higher income than him and he accused me of wanted to take the promotion to leave him and be with someone in my profession.
Author Helivesforme Posted September 27, 2016 Author Posted September 27, 2016 I think you're right. I'm still trying to figure it out still, I'm trying to go back to who I was before all of this happened. The crazy thing is I think this actually helped our marriage because I haven't been happy for awhile. I actually have not been sexually satisfied for our entire relationship until just recently. Until he felt like he needed to step up his game. Even though I communicated to him in a kind and mature manner that I needed more from him.
Author Helivesforme Posted September 27, 2016 Author Posted September 27, 2016 My husband says I don't get abymore privacy.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 My husband says I don't get abymore privacy. Well. There are a few things going on here. It is normal for a man to have insecurity over a wife's career. That doesn't mean you have to go and get divorced and it doesn't make him abusive or even unsupportive. It makes him human. If you do not want to be married to him, that's one thing but as a pretty successful woman, you need to compartmentalize somewhat and not look for your husband's approval with all your business matters. Your career is about you and of course his opinion matters, but you chose to turn down the promotion for your family. Maybe it was the right thing. But it sounds more like you are in the fog over all the men you are now meeting in the workplace. This is natural, how old are you? I will say this though. I know a lot of men in business and I don't have Snapchat, WhatsApp or any of that stuff on my phone. I very rarely text or FB PM with them and it's to arrange a business thing. We do not talk about our personal lives. I do have a few friends who I may text and email but its not a daily thing and they are not coworkers and it's not anything shady. I really can't imagine SnapChat with professional relationships. Professional relationships = Linked In and maybe FB to like pics of kids playing soccer. You need to realize no guy willing to spend all this time contacting you has your best interest at heart. He's killing time (probably while his kids play soccer) and you are interpreting it as a lot more than it is. I'm not sure I'd label it an EA but I will say I have a friend IRL and he is getting divorced over his wife's excessive phone apps. Even if you are not being shady, you look shady. Don't be that woman. 4
Author Helivesforme Posted September 27, 2016 Author Posted September 27, 2016 (edited) Well my 29, have been working around men since I was 16, never dated anyone at work, never give any guy the time of day because I'm committed to my husband. After this whole promotion thing, which took me a whole year to get and then having to turn it down because my husband said he felt neglected and said put me on a guilt trip and said I didn't care about my family has left me feeling empty. I've always been an independent woman, self motivated, driven and my husband loved me for being me. However once we had our son, once he started seeing me get more attention from men he started with the accusations, and trying to keep me home more often. My husband calls it an EA. It is his personal feeling, so if he feels it was an EA, it's an EA. I needed his help with our child and since I he could not handle it on his own I had to step down, I actually had the promotion for 3 weeks. Edited September 27, 2016 by Helivesforme
ShatteredLady Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 How can you be remorseful & work on your marriage when you're not even ready to admit that you had an EA? "I have cut all contact with the other guy "friend"" ....from what you say AND from your H feelings this MM was way, way more than a "friend". Did you have an inappropriate relationship or not? If you feel that you didn't & your H thinks you did there's the first HUGE hurdle!! Most WS I've ever heard make excuses for their A. How is this any different? They didn't have sex. Great!!! An EA can be even more painful. You shared private intimacies with another man.... 1
Chica80 Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 OP you posted on a public forum. Sometimes it can be helpful sometimes not. Remember people will always give you advice based on their experience. A BS will give you advice from their point of view as will a WS, OW/OM. But that is their life. This is your life. I would not make any decisions on your marriage, it's too fresh. It's good you are in IC. That will be the best. My opinion, as it appears on your post you wanted out. This is the way you saw out. A very painful and unhealthy mechanism to go about it, but nevertheless out. 2
elaine567 Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 You are going to find it hard to reconcile here as there was a big fault in your marriage prior to the EA and you feel you were justified in talking to this other man. YOU disconnected and went cold in your marriage, due to how your husband was acting towards you. It seems you were on your way to superseding him and he didn't like it one bit so he essentially sabotaged your career. As a man, he did not like that he was being emasculated, so he shut you down. I think that will be a huge issue in your relationship going forward as you, by having this contact with another man, have given your husband a perfect excuse to monitor you and to keep you tied down forever. You can complain and plead your case, but he will always be able to throw your "affair" at you. He was controlling, paranoid, and tried to isolate you before and make you into a homemaker, I guess he is going to be worse now.
ShatteredLady Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 This is just a forum & by its very nature we have a very limited amount of information to go on. I completely agree that we are all individuals with our own history & ghosts. I'm a bs so I know how incredibly painful that is. I'm also a woman who sacrificed her career for her family & her husbands needs. The second made me almost "like" the posts that focused on the OP's controlling H BUT!!! As soon as I read that the OP was struggling with 'forgiving her H' I admit I triggered. In this situation, if you WANT to save your marriage, step 1 is 'Can your H forgive you for your betrayal?' The whole promotion issue was when your child was VERY young. You stated... "I decided to pass on a promotion about 1 year ago because my husband did not want me to work longer hours and crazy shifts." ....You are no longer working with your OM because you took ANOTHER PROMOTION!! Does this one have less "crazy shifts"? It's very hard to build a family AND a demanding shift work career. Many do it but it takes team work & a LOT of sacrifices. Were you in love with your OM? Did you think you were at the time? Are you sure that you're not still in 'the fog'? Rewriting marital history? Affairs are so devastating. If you've never experienced it you have no idea how bad it actually is. It changes EVERYONE involved. It would be tragic to split-up a family over foggy rewriting. It would be even more tragic to waste years in resentment if this marriage really is abusive & controlling. Not you know the truth. Do you want your family or do you want divorce? 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 (edited) For awhile I felt like I had lost myself and who I am. I asked myself, do I have to change who I am because I am a mother now? Or can I still be me and be happy in all areas of life? It hurt me to the core when my husband questioned my loyalty. This OM means nothing to me, he is a cheater and boy in a mans body. The sad thing I knew this and still talked to him just to make myself feel better. I learned that it actually made things worse. I knew he didn't give 2 ****s about me, and they he didn't know me as a person. I feel like I devalued myself by talking to him and allowing him into my life. I guess that tells me how low I was and how screwed up I was in the head. I wasn't myself and that doesn't excuse my behavior , I own what I did. I rather would've had my husband cheat on me with another woman than make me feel like a bad mother and wife for pursuing my dreams. Right now my priority is earning my husbands trust again, he says he will support me now in my journey to get promoted again and that we will be a team. He apologized for not being more supportive and reassures me that I will not have to worry about our child when I am at work. He says he will no longer be resistant to other childcare options and giving our child their own room And allowing progression. I was not in love but I felt like there are qualities I'd like my husband to have that he just doesn't have but I know the grass isn't greener. He also tells me that he wishes I loved him just as much as he loved me, he asks me to be more affectionate, But I really haven't been the whole time. I think. I may have been depressed because I stopped wanting to do things for him like cook n clean. Sorry I'm not understanding what BS, WS and what some of the other abbreviations are. He says being married means doing everything together. He says I need to stop talking to male co workers period especially if they hit on me. I told him I need to work with these ppl and will have to communicate with them for work and cannot avoid them. He'a convinced I'm going through a phase because I never partied and dated when I was younger. Edited September 28, 2016 by Helivesforme 1
Try Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Well my 29, have been working around men since I was 16, never dated anyone at work, never give any guy the time of day because I'm committed to my husband. You say that you "never give any guy the time of day because I'm committed to my husband", but of course that is not true since you gave your emotional affair (EA) partner more than the time of day. Your husbands gut told him that you were open to cheating with other men and he was right. You may not have started out with any intent to cheat, but you liked the attention of other men way too much and your husband could see that. once he started seeing me get more attention from men he started with the accusations, and trying to keep me home more often. My husband calls it an EA. It is his personal feeling, so if he feels it was an EA, it's an EA. Do you not see the absurdity of cheating on your husband by having an EA because he did not trust you? BTW if you read the infidelity section of this and other sites, you will see that almost every cheater calls their spouse jealous and controlling (in so many words). The fact is that the cheated on spouse can often see when their spouse is heading in the wrong direction prior to the affair, and is only trying to stop it from happening. The tip offs are over enjoying the attention from other men, poor boundaries, and a feeling of entitlement, which are all clearly displayed in your posts. 1
Try Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 For awhile I felt like I had lost myself and who I am. I asked myself, do I have to change who I am because I am a mother now? The adult unselfish answer is yes you do have to change who you are because you are a mother of a small child. Every good mother and father has to change once they become a parent of a young child. It is the decision that you made when you had that child. It was reasonable for your husband to take the option of you working "crazy hours" off the table until the child got older. You misdirecting your anger at your husband over this is unfair. The more you post, the more unreasonable you sound. You are angry that your husband tried to stop you from cheating when he correctly saw you heading in that direction, and you are angry because your husband wants you to grow up and act like the mother of a small child. I dare you to have your husband post his side of things on this site, as even with hearing just your side, you do not look good. You need to to take an honest look in the mirror. 2
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 (edited) I did everything for our child on my own did the first year and a half, me taking the promotion and changing my schedule forced my husband to help out. He says he was grateful for the opportunity to step up. It is a year and a half later and now our child is 3, I agree that becoming a mom means sacrifice and putting my family first which I have no problem with. I just do not feel like I should have to pick between my family or my career. I want to do it all. Our child is going to start preschool soon and my husband is great at handling everything in his own if necessary. I said I never gave any men the time of day but did reach out when I was at my worst. At this point I communicated to my husband on several occasions that it was over. Again the only reason we did not separate was because we had childcare issues and opposite schedules and could not successfully separate. I'm grown,if my husband could post anything he would say that he apologizes for trying to hold me back and that he is a changed man. Edited September 28, 2016 by Helivesforme
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 I never had anyone rubbing up against me and specifically chose to talk to this specific OM because I never saw myself with him. He is not the type of guy I would ever be in a relationship with. It was more venting bevause he was going through his own problems. I kinda felt he understood me.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 I'm definietly not sweeping anything under the rug. We have been going to marriage counseling. I take full responsibility for my actions, it's just that I'm trying to understand why I did what I did so I address it and learn from it and won't repeat it. I think I get irritated and overwhelmed because he will literally talk to me when I am sitting on the toilet and doesn't give me room to breathe. I understand he feels betrayed as do I but I think he is going to the extreme. He never cheated on me. You had an emotional affair, you detached from your husband and invested your heart and emotions into another man. You turned the love and trust he had for you upside down and he's hurting, he feels betrayed by you. No matter what marital issues you two were/are having, you choosing to rely on another man, has really messed him up badly. He isn't being extreme. I think you're hoping he'll just get over it and trust you again. What are you doing to make him feel more at ease? Does he have access to your phone, email, etc if he feels the need to check up on you? You have to earn his trust back and be a total open book with him. In his mind, the emotional affair you had is just as damaging as a physical one. Continue with counseling and together work hard to fix things. If it doesn't work out at least you'll know you gave it your absolute best before walking away. 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 (edited) You had an emotional affair, you detached from your husband and invested your heart and emotions into another man. You turned the love and trust he had for you upside down and he's hurting, he feels betrayed by you. No matter what marital issues you two were/are having, you choosing to rely on another man, has really messed him up badly. He isn't being extreme. I think you're hoping he'll just get over it and trust you again. What are you doing to make him feel more at ease? Does he have access to your phone, email, etc if he feels the need to check up on you? You have to earn his trust back and be a total open book with him. In his mind, the emotional affair you had is just as damaging as a physical one. Continue with counseling and together work hard to fix things. If it doesn't work out at least you'll know you gave it your absolute best before walking away. Thank you. Yes I'm hoping he will be able to forgive. He has access to everything , he checks my phone whenever he wants, I understand it may be difficult for him to just forgive and forget but he even said himself that this was totally not in my character and he still tells me what a great woman I am and how special I am. I just wish I wasn't the cause of his pain. At the time I didn't care about his feelings because My mind was clouded with me putting him first for 11 years and him not supporting me when I needed him the most. Edited September 28, 2016 by Helivesforme 1
TobyBoy Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Thank you. Yes I'm hoping he will be able to forgive. He has access to everything , he checks my phone whenever he wants, I understand it may be difficult for him to just forgive and forget but he even said himself that this was totally not in my character and he still tells me what a great woman I am and how special I am. I just wish I wasn't the cause of his pain. At the time I didn't care about his feelings because My mind was clouded with me putting him first for 11 years and him not supporting me when I needed him the most. But does he have access to your heart and innermost feelings?
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 Right now I'm trying to get back to the old me, when I used to care. He does have access to my heart and inner feelings,I just haven't fully recovered from what he did to me yet. Once I let go of the resentment I'm sure everything will come together And our marriage will be able to recover. I surely do not want to be with anyone else. I'd rather be alone and work on myself, would not be in a hurry meeting someone new if my husband n I ever decided to part ways.
Try Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 It is a year and a half later and now our child is 3, I agree that becoming a mom means sacrifice and putting my family first which I have no problem with. I just do not feel like I should have to pick between my family or my career. I want to do it all. Our child is going to start preschool soon You say that you "agree that becoming a mom means sacrifice and putting my family first", but if that is true why did you resent your husband (enough to cheat on him) for not wanting you to work "crazy hours" until your child was a little older and in preschool?
TobyBoy Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 Right now I'm trying to get back to the old me, when I used to care. He does have access to my heart and inner feelings,I just haven't fully recovered from what he did to me yet. Once I let go of the resentment I'm sure everything will come together And our marriage will be able to recover. I surely do not want to be with anyone else. I'd rather be alone and work on myself, would not be in a hurry meeting someone new if my husband n I ever decided to part ways. You know what they say about resentment........"it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die" 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 (edited) No my husband didn't want me taking the promotion, he didn't mention our child being too young, he just said I was going to leave him for someone else.he felt like maybe he wasn't what I was looking for anymore. I have a negative memory attached to every major event in our relationship. He does not because He has been my priority and I considered his feelings in every decision I made. So I guess I have a lot of resentment(poison) that I need to let go of. I don't want to live in the past but I don't want to forget them and allow history to repeat itself. DH wants me to promise him forever, I told him I want to take it a day at a time. He says he needs me to constantly remind him that I love him daily and gets upset when I don't kiss him good bye and text and call him all the time. He tells me he looks forward to my calls and texts and just spending time. He thanks me for just being in his presence. Edited September 28, 2016 by Helivesforme 1
Cinnamonstix Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 No my husband didn't want me taking the promotion, he didn't mention our child being too young, he just said I was going to leave him for someone else.he felt like maybe he wasn't what I was looking for anymore. I have a negative memory attached to every major event in our relationship. He does not because He has been my priority and I considered his feelings in every decision I made. So I guess I have a lot of resentment(poison) that I need to let go of. I don't want to live in the past but I don't want to forget them and allow history to repeat itself. DH wants me to promise him forever, I told him I want to take it a day at a time. He says he needs me to constantly remind him that I love him daily and gets upset when I don't kiss him good bye and text and call him all the time. He tells me he looks forward to my calls and texts and just spending time. He thanks me for just being in his presence. Unless this is a new development, you two sound like you have very different intimacy needs. He needs more affection and closeness and time together than you do. And since you're not as mushy it makes him feel insecure. Meanwhile, you might find his behaviour needy and it pushes you away. This is a big incompatibility. 1
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 Cinnamonstix, I think you're right but we have gone 11 years like this. I think I'm afraid to let go and regret it. After all our relationship is special, only been with each other intimately, we grew up together, we have a bond that not many ppl understand. So I try to be more affectionate, but I don't need to be told every day that he loves me because I look for it in his actions and not as much with his words. I enjoy my space and time with friends and family but he just wants to be with me all the time. I told him this is not healthy and he needs to know is own worth and value. 1
Try Posted September 28, 2016 Posted September 28, 2016 He thanks me for just being in his presence. He is a doormat. Right or wrong, no wonder you have trouble treating him with respect. 2
Author Helivesforme Posted September 28, 2016 Author Posted September 28, 2016 He knew that I always held my own and set boundaries with men at work. Didn't let them cross the line, he saw me slowly drifting away after I kept telling him I was miserable and dead inside. I started to do whatever I felt like I wanted to because I felt he didn't have one damn care in the world for my feelings when he did what he did. In my head I was divorced, I did not want to be with him and told him that on several occasions.
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