Is my marriage over?

November 11, 2016

I don't know how you do it. That level of insecurity, neediness, and clinging would make me insane. And I say that as someone who spends the majority of my time around my H and who doesn't believe in the concept of privacy in a marriage. If either of us is busy or wants to go out or just needs some time to themselves, it's no biggie.

Honestly, though, I've been reading your threads and can't understand why you are still married to this man. Part of it is I can't imagine being married to anyone that controlling, manipulative, insecure, and clingy. The other part is that I couldn't imagine how much I would regret all the things I could have done and the experiences, the personal growth and development, I could have had but missed out on because I had only ever been with one person. That just seems so sad and like such a waste.

Edited November 11, 2016 by MJJean

November 11, 2016

I don't know how you do it. That level of insecurity, neediness, and clinging would make me insane. And I say that as someone who spends the majority of my time around my H and who doesn't believe in the concept of privacy in a marriage. If either of us is busy or wants to go out or just needs some time to themselves, it's no biggie.

Honestly, though, I've been reading your threads and can't understand why you are still married to this man. Part of it is I can't imagine being married to anyone that controlling, manipulative, insecure, and clingy. The other part is that I couldn't imagine how much I would regret all the things I could have done and the experiences, the personal growth and development, I could have had but missed out on because I had only ever been with one person. That just seems so sad and like such a waste.

Of course I doubt he is anywhere near as bad as she is saying.....she is secretive, flirty, comments about the looks of other men and she had an affair, doesn't sound like a woman being controlled and manipulated to me. He does seem insecure and clingy but her actions only feed the beast.

I'm not sure how either stay in this relationship, clingy vs no respect.

November 11, 2016

I work the graveyard shift so I sleep during the day. He would text me, call me, and even come into the room to talk to me while I was trying to rest. ...While I'm on 3 hours of sleep or trying to catch up on rest.. I'm doing my best to be patient but I am slowly going out of my mind.

Sleep is essential for mental well being, getting by on 3 hours and interrupted sleep will drive you literally mad, and is increasingly found to be bad for you physical health too.

https://sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need

November 11, 2016

Your husband is hurting.

All those things you complain about him doing are normal for a betrayed spouse.

I think you should be merciful and divorce him. You don't love him and you don't respect him.

November 11, 2016

Cephalopod... He has been this way even before he was betrayed.. He just wants to keep

Me to himself, he has said it before. He said he is selfish and doesn't want to share me and says ppl like to be married single. Which means being married and single at the same time. But I rarely go out.. I'm a homebody..At times I do wish to go out and enjoy myself,, he rarely takes the initiative to plan date nights so.. I used to, but now when we are out, I don't even feel like being there, it's like faking the funk.

November 11, 2016

Cephalopod... He has been this way even before he was betrayed.. He just wants to keep
Me to himself, he has said it before. He said he is selfish and doesn't want to share me and says ppl like to be married single. Which means being married and single at the same time. But I rarely go out.. I'm a homebody..At times I do wish to go out and enjoy myself,, he rarely takes the initiative to plan date nights so.. I used to, but now when we are out, I don't even feel like being there, it's like faking the funk.

Then change it. If you aren't happy tell him you want out.

November 11, 2016

Cephlapod.. Not that easy , we have a 3 year old that goes to the sitter, with our opposite schedules we pick up and drop off.. I don't have anyone that can help me out, family lives far., he also has begged me not to take our son away., says he cannot live without seeing our son every day. I would need to prepare a plan. Right now I'm trying to allow him to improve.. He says he will stop being so clingy. But he says that's the only way he knows to love, he's constantly asking me if I'm ok, tells me he can't sleep or when he does he has nightmares.,I'm thinking I'm always tired and irritable.. So I'm not going to quit on us, I want to give our marriage time to heal.. Time for us to adapt To change.. He is always reminding me that if we divorce, that will be the end of us forever, meaning he will get over me and never want to be with me again.. A separation is unacceptable to him because he says that's just a free pass to go mess around and screw other dudes, I do not have those intentions or urges., right now I'm focusing on my son and career.,

November 12, 2016

My xWW abandoned me and my daughter many years ago. I have raised my daughter by myself, with no help from family. It is hard, and tiring, but it can be done. And I don't make a great salary. I live paycheck to paycheck, and often have to go into debt to cover emergencies.

There are times I wish I was married so that I could have some help, but I would rather be a single dad struggling like I do than live in a miserable marriage with someone who has no love or respect for me, or me them.

November 12, 2016

May I ask why she left? I will never understand how a mother can abandon her child.

November 12, 2016

Helivesforme,

When you show your husband affection, either verbally or physically, a hug, a kiss, an occasional 'I love you', for example, do you initiate those actions without any prompt coming from your husband first. If not, make a conscious effort to make the first move and see what reaction it brings. In my opinion he's the kinda guy who needs to see and hear all those things, it's very important to him, just like it's very important to you for him to show his love in different ways.

Edited November 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 12, 2016

Cephlapod.. Not that easy , we have a 3 year old that goes to the sitter, with our opposite schedules we pick up and drop off.. I don't have anyone that can help me out, family lives far., he also has begged me not to take our son away., says he cannot live without seeing our son every day. I would need to prepare a plan. Right now I'm trying to allow him to improve.. He says he will stop being so clingy. But he says that's the only way he knows to love, he's constantly asking me if I'm ok, tells me he can't sleep or when he does he has nightmares.,I'm thinking I'm always tired and irritable.. So I'm not going to quit on us, I want to give our marriage time to heal.. Time for us to adapt To change.. He is always reminding me that if we divorce, that will be the end of us forever, meaning he will get over me and never want to be with me again.. A separation is unacceptable to him because he says that's just a free pass to go mess around and screw other dudes, I do not have those intentions or urges., right now I'm focusing on my son and career.,

He can still assist with pick up and drop off if you were to separate. It's called co-parenting.

He would most certainly NOT die if he didn't see your shared son every day. However, if he were assisting with pick up and drop off, he'd be able to see his son every day.

You're always tired and irritable because you seem to be getting little uninterrupted sleep because your clinger can't function for a few hours by himself like a grown adult.

From your posts, this man can barely function out of your sight, needs near constant contact with you, is incredibly insecure or incredibly manipulative or both, and seems to be a Drama Queen first class. In addition, he deliberately inhibits your social and psychological development using classic manipulation tactics to keep you in his very small world because he is afraid that if you spread your wings a bit, you might fly.

If you separate from him, he'll get over you and not want to be with you anymore? So, in one breath, he NEEDS to be in constant contact with you or he loses his mind. In another breath, he'd get over you and move on just fine? Hmmm.

If this is "the only way he knows how to love" and his opinions are so ingrained, it will take YEARS of therapy and hard work from both of you to make progress, if progress can be made at all.

Are you staying because you are afraid of the unknown or your perception of life after a separation and the mechanics of a divorce are distasteful or because you really, truly, believe your H can and will evolve while you're still young enough to enjoy something of a life? Do you truly believe that you can and will feel attraction to him again?

November 12, 2016

May I ask why she left? I will never understand how a mother can abandon her child.

She was a drug addict and didn't like being tied down to a husband.

November 12, 2016

Before I started seeing myself as separated and single so no, I was a total serial monogamous before the EA.

Wait. You saw yourself as "separated and single"? You still lived together and you didn't have any conversation about being separated.

November 12, 2016

It's so messed up.

Everything is fair in love and war. people even emotionally manipulate to make someone fall for them. But this is clear as sky , yet being made into a big mess.

It seems to have started with pointing others physically attractive and the other objecting to it, rightly and then going from doing it practically. Then everything gone down the drain.

November 14, 2016

If I move out, I would have to live nearby in order for the pick up/drop off to work out..if we do get a divorce, I would go live with my dad /mom/ or sister.. They live about 30 minutes-1 hour away.. And it would make it extremely difficult for our son , waking him up extra early, picking him up late, since we both don't have any extra help. We would have to sell the house and in the mean time try to keep our son's life as structured and routine as possible.. We have different days off and work different shifts. I'm trying to figure it out and plan it in my head but it seems like the one who would suffer most is our son. Last night I was only going to get about 5 hours sleep and he said he wanted to talk again, so I listened to him for about an hour, he said, I'm really cold, distant, and he cried and asked me what more he could do to make things work, this is after coming home at a night out with my sister and cousin. He forced himself to follow

The not bothering me or texting me when I'm out rule, unless it is an emergency or unless he needs to ask me something. He struggled, waited up for me, I was annoyed tried to go to bed but he said he had questions for me , wanted to know where I went and what we did, then continued to ask me, why I don't love him, why I take his love for me as being controlling. Why I feel suffocated when all he wants to do is talk to me, text me, show me he loves me. Then he asked me if there was someone else , I said no . I'm just frequently drained, physically/emotionally. His lack of self control is slowly killing me because I don't sleep very much, and I feel like keeping up with his emotional breakdowns suck all the energy and life out of me. He has improved with not bothering me when I am sleeping but he still tells me he misses me, and he knows I need to rest but he just misses me too much. He wanted to go to dinner today, so after my overtime shift and his day at work we went to dinner, he wanted to have a long conversation again, asking the same questions, with me irritated and all, giving him the same answers. Then he said I would never cheat on you ever, I told him yeah, what I did was not out of spite or planned. I do not want to be with the OM, I tried to explain to him again that I was seriously depressed and at an all time low and reached out to the OM to talk, I felt so dead/lifeless and alone. There is no excuse for what I did, but I asked him to take some responsibility for his actions as well. I told him , "you hurt me" " I hurt you" I feel that things cannot be repaired. I feel like we do not respect each other and I'm not sure if our marriage will survive. He kept asking me questions again for the next 20 minutes waiting for our table. Then while eating he continued, at this point I had lost my patience , tears rolled down his face and he told me if you don't love me anymore, tell me now. If you are going to leave me in the future, leave me now. He said he won't quit on our family and he asked me not to give up either. I told him I'm still here and trying, it will take time and commitment from both of us. Our issues will not be fixed over night. He keeps asking me to tell him what to do, what not to do, what not to say, how to feel. I told him I can't dictate his actions and that he needs to be himself, I have already expressed how I feel and why I feel that way specifically. I find myself drained /exhausted most times.

November 14, 2016

Wait. You saw yourself as "separated and single"? You still lived together and you didn't have any conversation about being separated.

I asked for a separation on a couple of occasions. I told him I would stay at my dads. He never agreed to it and he said if I separate it means I want to go around and meet other men. I told him that was not the case. I needed some space to think, to re evaluate and reflect. That time away from one another would help us. We might appreciate each other more. He begged me not to take his son away..cried, told me how much he loved me and our family. So I gave into his request. He felt that by separating , he would lose me for sure.

November 14, 2016

She was a drug addict and didn't like being tied down to a husband.

I'm sorry to hear that Cephalopod. One day, if not already, your child will realize and appreciate the sacrifices you have made and thank you for being their Rock, I hope you will overcome financial obstacles you are facing now. It saddens me to hear about a mother not being there for their child. I too, was somewhat abandoned by my mother but it was because my parents divorced and my mother did not have the financial means and felt inadequate. So she left us with our father , and returned into our lives 5 years later. I am not close to my mom, she is in my life but I have such a strong bond with my dad. I look up to him and want to be the best mother to my son. Things happen for a reason, sometimes we just can't explain it, we feel sorry for ourselves. We question God. I am somewhat grateful I was raised by my dad, it has made me a stronger person. However my mom is still traumateized from my fathers infidelity. He married the OW, which is still my stepmom and they had 2 children together. This is while my mom was pregnant with me. Horrible I know. I am angry at my mom sometimes for that short period of time she was missing in our lives. I as an adult now, try to understand her and forgive her cause she was/is so heartbroken /devastated.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Helivesforme

November 14, 2016

Helivesforme( very interesting name ,lol ! ) , I don't know how you both are making it !

Now it feels like he is manipulating you to stay committed to him. Kind of ' I'm not going to let you go' thing, exactly what I said in my previous post !

November 14, 2016

Helivesforme( very interesting name ,lol ! ) , I don't know how you both are making it !

Now it feels like he is manipulating you to stay committed to him. Kind of ' I'm not going to let you go' thing, exactly what I said in my previous post !

I don't get that, what I get is a woman placating her husband because she doesn't have a better option. She has time to go party and hang out but acts like it kills her to discuss the relationship, whine about no sleep so if your not getting sleep why are you having GNO ?

This entire thread is full of entitlement and an I'm right he is wrong attitude. Then she says stuff like people think they are an idea couple....i doubt that, it's dysfunctional at the highest level.

Worst part is its a horrible environment to raise a son, a woman who don't respect her husband and a man who doesn't show his son how to command respect...sad

Edited November 14, 2016 by DKT3

November 15, 2016

I don't get that, what I get is a woman placating her husband because she doesn't have a better option. She has time to go party and hang out but acts like it kills her to discuss the relationship, whine about no sleep so if your not getting sleep why are you having GNO ?

This entire thread is full of entitlement and an I'm right he is wrong attitude. Then she says stuff like people think they are an idea couple....i doubt that, it's dysfunctional at the highest level.

Worst part is its a horrible environment to raise a son, a woman who don't respect her husband and a man who doesn't show his son how to command respect...sad

GNO, was more for my cousin. She is going through some boy issues of her own and felt down, she said she feels lonely, so I said lets go out

November 15, 2016

How often does your husband go out?

November 15, 2016

How often does your husband go out?

He used to go out often but all of his friends got married and had kids so he doesn't have anyone to go out with. He says he would rather be home any way spending time with our son or me. I rarely go out too. If I do it is with my family or long time female friend I've known since middle school.

November 15, 2016

How often does your husband go out?

He used to go out often but all of his friends got married and had kids so he doesn't have anyone to go out with. He says he would rather be home any way spending time with our son or me. I rarely go out too. If I do it is with my family or long time female friend I've known since middle school.

I think that might be part of the issue, he doesn't spend any time hanging out with his friends , I think he needs time to unwind and b/s with the guys. Maybe a hobby, something that he enjoys doing to take up some of his free time, because he doesn't have anything to do while u sleep it is a challenge for him to

Stay away

November 15, 2016

Time for you to move on. I suggest a trial separation. Your husband probably needs therapy. Pity is not a noble emotion and you are not doing either one of you any favors.

November 15, 2016

Time for you to move on. I suggest a trial separation. Your husband probably needs therapy. Pity is not a noble emotion and you are not doing either one of you any favors.

I suggested therapy for him too. He is going to ic and we are going to mc. His Ic is on vacation so he hasn't seen her for about a week. He's been going every week for about 2 months.

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