aileD Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 You souls ever tell your spouse you're not attracted to them, even if it's true. What a crush to the soul .
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 I think that's a cop out in disguise because if you WERE genuine in your caring for BH then your words and actions would reflect this. I think you want out. You've had enough. If you live in a "no fault" state then you can divorce him. Done. If you DO WANT TO D your H then do. Nobody REALLY wants to be in a M where they love (or think they love their spouse) and their spouse wants out. Well not a mentally stable person! BH will be far happier with somebody who loves him and WANTS to be with him. If you acknowledge your inability to be a part of his healing process then ofcourse he must learn to heal himself without you. Which is probably what he's incapable of now, expecting your collaboration on R. Setting HIM free can be a catalyst for his healing, growth and future happiness. I think you've only made him miserable. Now continue to. IDK. But if the M is over for 1 person then it's over for both. Obviously. Lion Heart Thank you Lion Heart for this part right here! It made me realize my M is over for me I just haven't pulled the plug yet. 2
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Seems to me that you are basically stuck in a house with no light, you go through the motions, you survive. One day you find a curtain and curious you open it, the light streams in. YOU realise there is life elsewhere, there is a big world out there, you keep peeping out, you even find a window catch but you are scared to open it. One day you are caught looking out, you are not supposed to look out, you are supposed to live your life in the dark. He forbids you to look out, he locks the window and he replaces the curtains with lockable shutters. You keep apologising over and over again for daring to look out, but it is never really enough. You spend the rest of your life in the dark... Is that truly what you want? 1
NuevoYorko Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 He forbids you to look out, he locks the window and he replaces the curtains with lockable shutters. You keep apologising over and over again for daring to look out, but it is never really enough. You spend the rest of your life in the dark... Is that truly what you want? No matter how I read this thread, I can't really see the OP as a victim. If the picture painted is honest, the husband is a sorry fellow, but he's certainly not stopping her from "the light."
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 No matter how I read this thread, I can't really see the OP as a victim. If the picture painted is honest, the husband is a sorry fellow, but he's certainly not stopping her from "the light." Fembots, Some can find no fault with women and men should accept any behavior... 1
MJJean Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Fembots, Some can find no fault with women and men should accept any behavior... it's not that. If you read her story, it sounds like her husband deliberately tried to keep her ignorant and inhibited her development as a person because he was insecure and afraid she would cheat, leave, or both. He was manipulative and controlling. He tried to keep OP on a tight leash too long and the inevitable backlash occurred. Was OP wrong to have an EA? Yes. Did her husband's behavior contribute to her having the EA? I think so. 1
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 it's not that. If you read her story, it sounds like her husband deliberately tried to keep her ignorant and inhibited her development as a person because he was insecure and afraid she would cheat, leave, or both. He was manipulative and controlling. He tried to keep OP on a tight leash too long and the inevitable backlash occurred. Was OP wrong to have an EA? Yes. Did her husband's behavior contribute to her having the EA? I think so. The problem is her account isn't really logical, and based on the fact that she is totally oblivious to how her action get his reactions. I mean honestly, what spouse wouldn't be insecure if thier partner pointed out hot guys. Or ask question about her affair. I actually believe her husband would tell a completely different story. I don't believe what doesn't make sense, and this doesn't add up. None of it. 1
BettyDraper Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I'm seeing a very obvious lack of responsibility for your actions. It appears that you only want to protect yourself and you don't really care about your husband or your marriage. Healing will only begin once you stop blaming your husband for YOUR affair and realize that if you want to stay with him, you will need to play by your husband's rules in order to have a true reconciliation. When I read your posts, I see selfish behavior from a woman who lacks accountability and immaturity. You can repeat that you care about your husband and you're remorseful all you want; your actions and rationalizations say the complete opposite. 3
BettyDraper Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 it's not that. If you read her story, it sounds like her husband deliberately tried to keep her ignorant and inhibited her development as a person because he was insecure and afraid she would cheat, leave, or both. He was manipulative and controlling. He tried to keep OP on a tight leash too long and the inevitable backlash occurred. Was OP wrong to have an EA? Yes. Did her husband's behavior contribute to her having the EA? I think so. An affair is not "inevitable backlash" for being controlled and manipulated. If anything, stepping out on a controlling spouse just worsens insecurities and increases controlling behavior. A wife is capable of setting boundaries and standing up for herself. As a woman, I don't like the idea of other women being treated like poor little victims who have no choice but to cheat if we are unhappy in a marriage. 4
MJJean Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 The problem is her account isn't really logical, and based on the fact that she is totally oblivious to how her action get his reactions. I mean honestly, what spouse wouldn't be insecure if thier partner pointed out hot guys. Or ask question about her affair. I actually believe her husband would tell a completely different story. I don't believe what doesn't make sense, and this doesn't add up. None of it. Yes, any spouse would be insecure under the circumstances you describe. However, the OP indicates that her H was incredibly insecure,manipulative, and controlling BEFORE her EA. An affair is not "inevitable backlash" for being controlled and manipulated. If anything, stepping out on a controlling spouse just worsens insecurities and increases controlling behavior. A wife is capable of setting boundaries and standing up for herself. As a woman, I don't like the idea of other women being treated like poor little victims who have no choice but to cheat if we are unhappy in a marriage. Apparently,the OP has not been in any other intimate relationship and was quite young and inexperienced when they met and married. His behavior seems to have kept her from healthy development as an individual including telling her what she could and could not wear and what content was appropriate for her to peruse. An awakening and this kind of backlash is absolutely inevitable. His stranglehold brought about the very behavior he was trying to prevent. 1
NuevoYorko Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Fembots, Some can find no fault with women and men should accept any behavior... I'm actually a feminist myself. I have no problem finding fault with anybody. Haha. 1
BettyDraper Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Yes, any spouse would be insecure under the circumstances you describe. However, the OP indicates that her H was incredibly insecure,manipulative, and controlling BEFORE her EA. Apparently,the OP has not been in any other intimate relationship and was quite young and inexperienced when they met and married. His behavior seems to have kept her from healthy development as an individual including telling her what she could and could not wear and what content was appropriate for her to peruse. An awakening and this kind of backlash is absolutely inevitable. His stranglehold brought about the very behavior he was trying to prevent. Nobody can make anyone do anything! We are all responsible for our decisions because life is about choices. The OP was not forced to marry before she with no life experience. She also had the opportunity to stand up to her husband. Instead, she chose to allow herself to be controlled, acted out like a teenager and then blamed her husband for her affair. It's not impossible for a person to have an awakening without seriously damaging primary relationships. 3
Jersey born raised Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Hi, Strikes me a lot of elements are fused together to create a massive road block. Earlier on this thread the concept of transference was mentioned. Often a person will ask you a question as a means to duscuss a subject they not only want you to ask them, but get a sense of your thoughts to see your boundaries and reactons. Your husband my have the male version of Modonna/whore complex. I was with a woman in the eighties who really enjoyed both giving and revising oral sex. Her past relationship left confused on given oral sex. Her boyfriend had no problem getting other woman (while in this relationship) to give him oral sex but refused to allow her to do it. He thought it was wrong for to even ask him to disrespect herself by offering. I think it goes to conflict between intirmancy and respect for a woman he loved vs pure lust. In short the idea of just lusting for her, for wanting no strings oral sex, wham bang thank you mama, and just work away confused him. How could you do that to a woman you respect??? To even discuss the subject was not a part of "love". To do so was to lose her respect and reject him. On BH threads the feeling of emasculation is often mentioned. I sense clearly he is terrified of failure. Of not having a ten foot pennis (foot rationalied tends to be absent at times) hard as steel for hours at a time as opposed to 3 second man. In this case he would be desperate for a safe wife with a very low drive. I know crazy but how about woman's body image issues? I once asked a woman "do you really think I would notice a B cup and you think you have to much padding on your buttocks and slightly sagging front poach"? What about your touch, how being with you makes me feel? Yet her body images effected our intimacy. She wanted to let go but couldn't. Finally I often see the comment of controlling. A very gray area in general but in any event few mention or address the why. Please reread my thoughts above and your other thoughts on the subject else where and ask yourself what is the root cause of why he is afraid. I want to post later more about the thoughts that a BS experience using a post shattered lady made on another thread. Until then take a deep breath and continue to read and expore and be patient going forward. Be well
Friskyone4u Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 HeLivesForMe, There seems to be a lot of trashing you here, and I am going to take a little different tack. Now, this is NOT making you out to be the good guy here but I think you two are still in limbo because while you are the cheater (EA), your husband it appears to refuse to do anything but rugsweep, which most people responding would agree is not a great idea no matter who initiates the "sweeping". I hope in your earlier post when you said a co worker invited you to a party or social function that this was NOT the co worker who you had an inappropriate relationship with. If that is the case, no wonder your husband did not receive it well. You had a workplace affair so talking to him about your social interactions at work probably is not the best idea unless he asks. I also agree that having a controlling husband, if he really is, is NOT an excuse to have an affair. There are too many women out there finding a million different reasons to have affairs. For men, they just want sex. You two are experiencing, and not handling well, the inevitable problems of marrying way too young in todays world. And neither of you are prepared to cope with the fall out without help, which your husband appears to refuse. he is the victim iof your infidelity but wants to keep it that way in order to remain so dependent with no explanations. What YOU have to decide, and it is not easy is (1) do you want to remain in a monogamous relationship with this man for the next 30 years or more given that you have had no experience with other men and that you see all the "fun" single women are having at your age that you never experienced. (2) how do you handle the inevitable "attraction" that you are going to have for members of the opposite sex that you meet (3) how are you going to set boundaries for yourself to not repeat what has occurred Until you look in the mirror and honestly answer those questions for YOURSELF , you are in limbo with yourself. The guilt, and his hurt, will go away with time but if you do not solve the above, this will re occur. Should your answer to the above indicate that you DO want to remain married and with this man, he is going to have to address his issues whether he likes it or not. You keep saying he would NEVER open up to a therapist or he refuses this or that. instead of telling him about co workers you need to tell him that the TWO of you must work on this. The bottom line is, no matter who is the offender, it takes TWO people 100% committed to working through ALL of the issues to make a successful reconciliation. And I do not think he would be acting any different if you had a PA, which you eventually will if he does not step up and help you help him in a useful way if that is what you want to. The thing that makes this infidelity issue so complex is that no two people are alike and no cookie cutter formula exists to get out of it. I don't think its time to divorce yet, but you both need help and need to get it. And lastly, if you do get him to a therapist, you need to interview a therapist just like you would shop for a car. The LAST thing you need to do is to pay some genius to tell your husband to just get over it like nothing ever happened which some of them so, especially if you did not have physical sex with OM.
Author Helivesforme Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 We have already been going to mc, and both ic. My attraction to OM was more when I felt like our marriage was over and Started to open my eyes to the options around me. Right now I see my marriage for what it is and my husband for who he is. We share a special bond, we are often called unicorns of penguins by our friends or ppl that know our story & history. I know another man could not replace my husband, he has grown to be a better man within the last 2 months. The clouds are clearing up for me and I see the world do the same eyes the same before my EA. I was reaching out to the OM to fill the void and to talk to someone I felt that understood and could relate to the pain, and betrayal that I experienced. I take responsibility for what I had done but really Since I wanted out and told my husband I wanted divorce on several occasions, I felt stuck because of our son and his my husband kept begging me not to take him away. I was extremely hurt when my husband told me to go f$&@ other men, this was about 9 months before the EA. I took it hard, being my dh is the only one I've been intimate with. I allowed that comment and his lack of support to drive my need for a divorce. Even though he has apologized for it on numerous occasions, Him disrespecting me in such a way was unacceptable. My EA was unacceptable. We have agreed to move forward. My dh is still asking me questions, that he should know the answers to already.. Somehow I feel the damage has been done but I'm not ready to give up on us. We share the same standards and expectations. We are doing well, I'm hoping for the best. Looking forward to our future together. 1
Just a Guy Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Hi Helives, well this last post of yours should draw the curtains on your situation at least for the moment. If both of you are sincerely committed to your marriage and to each other then you should get through with flying colours. Hopefully all the extensive discussion of your case has given you a deep insight of the problems that the two of you faced in your marriage, the weaknesses in both of you that brought you to the brink and also the way forward from the brink so that you can make a success of your union. Maybe it is a good thing that a crisis like this one occurred so early in your lives while both of you were still young and resilient to be able to withstand the stress and trauma resulting from untenable behaviours on both your parts. If both of you have learnt from this difficult situation that you have faced both together and individually, then it should help both of you to work harmoniously together to make a success of your marriage. However, one thing is clear, you will always have to be on your guard as will your husband to ensure that neither of you rocks the boat violently enough to throw both of you into the water. The second time around may not be a happy one. Both of you will constantly have to work on your marriage especially because of your different personalities and perspectives of what your married life should be like. To me it seems that your marriage is always going to be a work in progress. That may be a good thing because it will keep you on your toes and keep you engaging with each other constantly. Probably that is the only way a union like yours can succeed. Warm wishes. 2
Jersey born raised Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Is you pointing out other guys based on resentment the comment "go f@CK other guys?
NuevoYorko Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Yes, any spouse would be insecure under the circumstances you describe. However, the OP indicates that her H was incredibly insecure,manipulative, and controlling BEFORE her EA. Apparently,the OP has not been in any other intimate relationship and was quite young and inexperienced when they met and married. Husband was also completely young and inexperienced when they married. If that is a good excuse for her behavior, it might as well excuse anything he has done as well.
mikeylo Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Is you pointing out other guys based on resentment the comment "go f@CK other guys? Other way around. She found others attractive and pointed them to him. He said go and f@ck them then. She flipped and labeled him controlling , jealous , insecure etc etc.
usa1ah Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 So you're saying it would help to know the OM name and ethnicity? How so? So every time he hears the name or sees a guy of his ethnicity is is going to have some ugly feeling? I'd rather not out my dh through anymore torture. The thing is, he is making mind moves. With you not giving the details he is making them up himself. Trust me, what he is coming up with is worse then the truth. Mind movies are the scenarios that he believes might have happened between you and the other man. He is asking for details to put a end to what he thinks happened. 2
Author Helivesforme Posted November 6, 2016 Author Posted November 6, 2016 No he told me this a year or so before my EA.. Before I started seeing myself as separated and single so no, I was a total serial monogamous before the EA.
Cephalopod Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 The only way you will regain attraction for him is to start reinvesting in him. At any point in your relationship have you ever found him attractive? 1
Author Helivesforme Posted November 7, 2016 Author Posted November 7, 2016 (edited) Maybe 12 years ago, when he was in shape and not trying to suffocate n control me. Physically he hasn't been in that great of shape. He refuses to change his bad eating habits. He will workout to get a quick fix for a few months then goes back to his old ways. Before he never wanted yo workout with me but now we go to the gym, hike and run together. Edited November 7, 2016 by Helivesforme
Just a Guy Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Hi Helives, after reading your last post I have been left wondering where in the spectrum of reconciliation you and your husband are. This last post indicates that you still harbour basic differences between you and your husband. It also seems to me that you appear to be in two minds about accepting him fully as your life partner. In a previous post I had said that you two had developed into two very different individuals who probably would never have gotten together if you had met each other in later life. When you got together both of you were immature and had not developed physically and emotionally enough to be able to sustain a stable long term marital relationship. Then before you actually found your selves as the adults you now are, you had tied the knot. As I have said before, you appear to be more mature now than your husband and if after having taken into consideration everything, you still feel that you are being tied down in a relationship which is lopsided and unsatisfying then you should just terminate it and get on with your life. This will be both kind to yourself and your husband too. You have lingered long enough here and got involved in a number of discussions and made many disclaimers about your conduct and your decisions. All this should have given you enough insight into the problems facing you and your husband. I think continuing to linger here would provide you with diminishing returns on your expectations. It is much better to be decisive and, if I may use the term, surgical, in your actions going forward. Waffling around is not going to get you anything. You either choose to stay with your husband and work diligently to resolve your differences and problems or, you proceed to terminate what seems to me an incompatible arrangement which will require constant work and effort to keep it just about afloat. It is your choice and the decision is in your hands. Warm wishes. 2
Author Helivesforme Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) Just a guy Thank you Today at marriage counseling, we talked about how I feel overwhelmed and suffocated because my husband feels that in a marriage there does not have to be any boundaries or limits. He would call or text me all day and if I don't respond immediately he will make a comment about how I don't care about him. He also texts me while I am asleep. I work the graveyard shift so I sleep during the day. He would text me, call me, and even come into the room to talk to me while I was trying to rest. The MC told me not to respond to his messages because I am allowing his behavior. He will even text me while I am at work because he says he can't sleep or doesn't sleep and will expect me to answer him. He is constantly texting me and if I don't initiate multiple texts during my shift he makes comments about, oh I guess you were really busy, because I didn't hear from you.. I know this is extremely unhealthy and have tried to talk to him myself but hearing it from the MC really made him realize that he is pushing me away. Making me resent him. He will constantly want to have long conversations by phone or in person about our marriage.. While I'm on 3 hours of sleep or trying to catch up on rest.. I'm doing my best to be patient but I am slowly going out of my mind. He expects me to report back to him like he is my father..he also mentioned that texting me all day is just Gus way of showing me he loves me and cares for me.. I almost threw in the towel yesterday because I'm always stressed out , have anxiety and and overwhelmed abut worrying about how he is feeling at all hours of the day... I was at my dads house this past weekend and he was going to come over after work any way but he continued to text me and ask me questions. He called n I didn't answer but I answers his text immediately after the call and he questioned why I didn't call him. I need some space,, is this unreasonable? Same day at my dads we went bowling, I told him to give me some space,, so he was standing right next to me and texted me,, thinking that he would get my attention that way. I don't want to torture him anymore, he said if he stops texting me so much,, would I be worried if his love for me started to fade? I responded " I don't understand , if you start loving me less because you are not texting me all day then I can't control that".....even before the EA,, I thought I was being a good wife by tending to his needs but I realize now that I feel like a caged animal.. I rarely go out because I'd rather be at home with my family .. But when my friends or family invite me out he wants to know all the details and asks when I'm coming home, he will text me while I'm out, I'm pretty considerate and will give him updates without him reminding me.. But I feel like I can never relax.. Being married to him and keeping up with his demands is exhausting and I never feel at ease. I can't ever relax. I can't ever enjoy myself out of fear that he will feel sad or neglected. Edited November 11, 2016 by Helivesforme
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