js_77 Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I've been dating my girlfriend for a year and recently she found out she has bipolar disorder. Now I understand why she has always been hot and cold with me, I'm thinking about breaking up as I'm not happy anymore. She' taking BP medications but I think she forgets sometimes. We talked about us and she told me she would try to get better, try to be more caring and affectionate but I'm not seeing any improvements. She is cold and I just hate cold women, she looks like an iceberg sometimes! Our relationship always had issues, my jealousy (Im trying to get better), her past, I'm tired of her mind games with me, we don't have common goals in life because months ago she wanted kids and get married but after everything that it's happening with us we stopped talking about a future together. Is it over? This bipolar thing is killing me, this hot and cold is killing me! My hope for this relationship is dropping down, my hope is 5%, when gets 0%, will be over for real!
Lorenza Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 That's a long list of serious issues after only one year of dating. If you're not happy, just leave. And you know what, there are people out there, who you won't have to be constantly fixing things with! There are women who won't be hot-and-cold with you. Free yourself from this one, life's too short and bipolars are too complex. 2
RaiderII Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 You don't have to stay with someone you're miserable with just because they've been diagnosed with an illness. Things aren't working, you don't want to be with her, you don't have compatible goals. Just end it already. When she's in her low periods, is she suicidally low (as is typical of people with bipolar disorder)? Does she self harm? If so, you might want to speak with her family to let them know you're ending the relationship so that they are aware of the impact it may have on her mental health. But don't let fear of what she may or may not do prevent you from taking the perfectly rational decision to walk away from a failing relationship. I just think some safeguards like that will help you feel less worried/guilty and ensure she's as safe as possible. Plenty of people with bipolar who feel it's well managed with medication and/or therapy are as great partners as those without bipolar. Unfortunately not all of her demeanor and attitude may be related to the bipolar, but it's irrelevant. You're unhappy, you have permission to leave.
BlueIris Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 You don't have to stay with someone you're miserable with just because they've been diagnosed with an illness. Things aren't working, you don't want to be with her, you don't have compatible goals. Just end it already. ... Well said.
smackie9 Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I agree dealing with a mental illness is just too difficult and complex. She will need therapy all her life. My mom is bi-polar and growing up with that hot mess was horrific. Even when managed with medication, she still has bad to worse days. You sound like you are just looking for confirmation to leave her....by all means, why stay when you are still unhappy.
preraph Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 If she's not taking her meds right, to me that's a dealbreaker, especially if her behavior is at times really out of hand. But there's all degrees. They miss the highs. It sounds like there's plenty of reasons to not be with her. I think the timing of doing it right when she goes on meds and is diagnosed isn't very supportive, though. It might affect her adversely. Unless you think she's never going to take her meds right, then maybe wait a month or two and let her stabilize on the meds before pulling the rug out from under her.
Jethro Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I was married to a bi-polar girl with eating disorders, a cutter.. recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It almost killed us both. I should not have stayed with her as long as I did. If you are unhappy now you will be more so in the future.
Author js_77 Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Yeah I'm very sad and feeling so confused!
SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Hey js_77, How long since your gf was diagnosed? I have a friend who suffers from severe clinical depression - different but I get the mental illness side of it. When she first got her diagnosis she was all over the shop... however since she has come to terms with it and has gotten used to "dealing" with it she is great, in a relationship and happy - albeit always conscious of it. So weigh it up, if she was only diagnosed a few weeks ago your gf is probably trying to sort it out in her own head first so maybe she could transform when she gets to grips with her illness which I know from experience is very very hard to live with - for her more than anyone. She could be a brilliant girl with her illness under control. However if you don't think you want to be with this girl even when she is in full health then maybe you need to leave her now (though I would inform her family first or at the time to be sure someone is watching out for her.)
carhill Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Generally, mood swings from mania to depression and back are gradual and not 'hot and cold', rather over weeks or months, not minutes or hours. However, each person is different and BP1 or 2 can exist comorbid with other psych issues. When younger I used to think everyone should be accepted and taken care of. Now what I do is put the shoe on the other foot; would that person remain with me if my behaviors were that erratic and often mean and rude? The answer I've seen over life is no so there ya go. I've seen some folks do the caregiver/spouse thing and it takes a special person to deal with it long-term, medicated or not. I did my stint. Done. 3
MorningCoffee Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 (edited) I was involved with a "bipolar spectrum disorder" gal for a while. I learned that some BP people exhibit very rapid cycling of moods, and can easily go from down and depressed to elated and manic in the course of a day, several times in a week. This, especially if they are reluctant (and many are reluctant) to take meds as prescribed. I learned that BP mania feels GREAT!! the person feels MAGICAL!! everything is WONDERFUL!! even that skeevy stranger at the bar!! whereas BP meds are a real buzzkill. A common excuse is "this Rx just doesn't work for me," or "I'm sensitive to medication, and this one makes me feel ill," or whatever works so they can continue their manic journey till the next crash... I found that, as much as she had to offer, I couldn't handle the roller coaster. YMMV Edited September 27, 2016 by MorningCoffee 3
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 27, 2016 Posted September 27, 2016 I was involved with a "bipolar spectrum disorder" gal for a while. I learned that some BP people exhibit very rapid cycling of moods, and can easily go from down and depressed to elated and manic in the course of a day, several times in a week. This, especially if they are reluctant (and many are reluctant) to take meds as prescribed. I learned that BP mania feels GREAT!! the person feels MAGICAL!! everything is WONDERFUL!! even that skeevy stranger at the bar!! whereas BP meds are a real buzzkill. A common excuse is "this Rx just doesn't work for me," or "I'm sensitive to medication, and this one makes me feel ill," or whatever works so they can continue their manic journey till the next crash... I found that, as much as she had to offer, I couldn't handle the roller coaster. YMMV I'd like to think I could handle a woman's BPD. Then again, I also thought chips would be installed into people's thumbs instead of credit cards. So, yeah, I got that going for me.
Author js_77 Posted November 16, 2016 Author Posted November 16, 2016 We broke up twice, one of the reasons is this bipolar issue! I don't know if I should make a deal with her like we only get back together if she takes her medication properly! But how will I know if she's taking daily? She could lie to me telling me she's one meds!
dispatch3d Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 There's a pretty wide variety of people with mental illnesses, so I wouldn't paint them all with the same brush. I guess the bipolar is meh as long as the medication does the trick, thing is it doesn't sound like it and you aren't happy. I'd say things aren't lookin too good.
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Bipolar can be a very severe mental illness. I do not think you are a person who can cope with this. The hot and cold episodes are par for the course and she cannot help being the way she is and she will have this for life too. "Bipolar life has two speeds," says Deacon. "One minute it's all too fast. The next, everything becomes so slow that I can't cope." Bipolar: Adam Deacon and Stephen Fry on 'lifelong struggle? - BBC News
dispatch3d Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 From what I understand of mental illnesses, everyone isn't a severe case. There are mild cases of it around, medium, etc.
TheTraveler Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 We broke up twice, one of the reasons is this bipolar issue! I don't know if I should make a deal with her like we only get back together if she takes her medication properly! But how will I know if she's taking daily? She could lie to me telling me she's one meds! js, you have to ask yourself. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Then, you will have your answer. 1
Author js_77 Posted November 17, 2016 Author Posted November 17, 2016 js, you have to ask yourself. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Then, you will have your answer. For the rest of my life, no!
basil67 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Have you considered that her running 'hot and cold' may not be the bipolar? Thing is, bipolar doesn't account for all of a person's annoying traits. Perhaps she's just not that into you. Or doesn't know what she wants. Or she runs 'cold' after something in the relationship annoys her.
Author js_77 Posted November 19, 2016 Author Posted November 19, 2016 Have you considered that her running 'hot and cold' may not be the bipolar? Thing is, bipolar doesn't account for all of a person's annoying traits. Perhaps she's just not that into you. Or doesn't know what she wants. Or she runs 'cold' after something in the relationship annoys her. She was "diagnosed" bipolar!
elaine567 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Have you considered that her running 'hot and cold' may not be the bipolar? Thing is, bipolar doesn't account for all of a person's annoying traits. Perhaps she's just not that into you. Or doesn't know what she wants. Or she runs 'cold' after something in the relationship annoys her. Good point, not "everything" will be about her bipolar. Some very "normal" people blow hot and cold when they are just not that into someone and some very "normal" people go "crazy" when "love" is involved. 1
OatsAndHall Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I have dealt with clinical depression and anxiety my entire life and was even misdiagnosed as bipolar for awhile. I have allowed it to negatively affect friendships and relationships over the years and it will always be a struggle in my life. But, here are some things that you need to consider: 1. Your girlfriend didn't choose this mental illness: it is a clinical, biological issue. She can control her reaction to the mental illness but she won't always be able to control whether or not she has a manic or a depressive episode. This is something that I feel you should talk to her about before calling it off. Let her know that you understand that she's struggling and just ask her to be mindful of how she interacts with you and others if she is going through a bad bout. 2. It will take medication to get it under control and this isn't an exact science. It takes some people time to find the right medication and adjust to the side effects. Again, this may come out in a negative manner, so have another conversation with her about it this aspect. Try to be empathetic and understanding is she isn't going through an easy time. Trust me. I know first hand. 3. Establish boundaries with her with regards to the situation. If she is prescribed medication, she needs to take it. If she's seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, she needs to go to those appointments. She needs to stay away from alcohol and drugs as this will seriously screw up her treatment and her life. You cannot demand that she do these things but you do not need to be a part of the consequences of her behavior should she not take care of herself. She needs to keep her mental health under control if she is going to have a functional adult relationship. You can't skip a week's worth of medication, go out on a bender and expect people stick by your side. Once again, this is something I am familiar with, first hand. 4. Please, please try to understand that you may be missing out on a very good thing if you leave your girlfriend while she is going through this period of her life. Yes, it will be something that she has to manage throughout her whole life she will be a stable adult once she gets it under control and starts taking care of herself.
mortensorchid Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Guy, I don't know you from the next guy, but you don't want a woman who has this condition. I've known gals with bipolar, and they do a lot of bad to a lot of people. If you are one of those guys who likes crazy women, by all means. If you are one of those guys who thinks you can change it, you can't. The only person you can change is yourself. You will end up frustrated and angry and depressed like all the guys who have been with bipolar women I have known. And who am I to say? I'm the reasonable, stable one who gets thrown over for those gals and sees the misery their lives are. Move on. It's best for you and her.
MarkIVSteel Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Bipolar = run for the hills. They are very, very sick people and will bring you nothing but misery all your life.
OatsAndHall Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 There are far too many absolutes and generalizations being thrown out on this thread and, I for one, find it disturbing. Many folks are acting like this woman is completely damaged and that she will ruin his life simply because she has been diagnosed with a mental illness. She may be taking her medication, seeing a therapist and working hard to manage her life. WE DON'T KNOW. He has simply stated that she is "cold".. He hasn't given us many specific instances of how her behavior is affecting the relationship. His posts are just as vague and general as the responses that he's getting. I imagine the tone of this thread would be completely different if the mental illness factor were removed. Folks would most likely be telling him to communicate with her and deal with their problems, not to just take off. In fact, there are several threads on here where an individual states that their significant other is "cold" and they are chastised for wanting to get out of the relationship. Hell, there are people talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend going out and screwing around on them on multiple occasions and may responses are "try to work it out". So, essentially, people should try and make it work with a person who lies and cheats, just as long as they're not bipolar. To the OP: if you care about this woman then try to make it work and stop focusing on her mental illness. Because, I've got news for you: there are plenty of women out there that will screw you over without carrying what is, apparently on this site, the stigma of mental illness. Call it off if she TRULY isn't managing her illness and is being self-destructive. But, all and all, the lack of empathy and understanding on this thread is overwhelming. 3
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