After your affair was over...

[Ahurtgirl]

It has been over a month now since the affair has been over and I find myself looking back and thinking about my lack of judgement I had and how niave I was to believe all his lies. I now find myself questioning my ability to read who people are and if their intentions are pure and good. I feel like I lost so much faith in myself and in others. How I fell so deeply in love with someone that was able to cut me out of his life overnight has me questioning so much about how I apparently was the only one actually in love for 4 years and how stupid I must have been to believe any of what I thought was a mutual love between us.

 

After your affair was over, did it take you time to trust in your ability to know peoples true intentions and to trust and who to not trust? Obviously I have learned to never trust a married man that gives you attention and never ever want to be in that type of situation again. The pain is to much to ever want to experience that again.

[road]

It is not about your ability to trust. You claiming that is just your way of transferring the blame for being in an affair on your OM.

 

 

Every teenage girl knows that you should date married men.

 

 

You knew it was the wrong thing to do.

 

 

You chose to be in an affair.

 

 

The best thing that I hope that you have learned is that you do not make up any future excuses or false reasons to date married men and have more affairs,

[lemondrop21]

Oh sweetie I get it. That was me 7 years ago after I was suddenly dumped by a guy who I was convinced was "the one," who turned out to have been feeding me all sorts of lies. I couldn't figure out how my intuition was SO off with him. I became obsessed with watching the show Lie to Me and learning the signs of dishonesty and I felt like I didn't trust ANYONE for like 2 years.

 

Then I reunited with a very nice guy who became my long term bf. We never had any trust issues.

 

The liar from years ago, as well as xMM, made me think that it's about really digging deep under the surface and figuring out how broken someone is, whether they're married or not. There were signs I chose not to see. So my philosophy now is to keep my guard up for a while, a couple months at least. But I do feel I can trust someone, given enough time to see they aren't some psychopath.

[imperfectangel]

I'm the same now. I second guess everyone and everything.

 

It's hard to learn how to trust again.

 

But remember, we are free to move on they're still stuck in a relationship that will never be the same

[imperfectangel]

It is not about your ability to trust. You claiming that is just your way of transferring the blame for being in an affair on your OM.

 

 

Every teenage girl knows that you should date married men.

 

 

You knew it was the wrong thing to do.

 

 

You chose to be in an affair.

 

 

The best thing that I hope that you have learned is that you do not make up any future excuses or false reasons to date married men and have more affairs,

 

 

You know this is the ow/om forum, right?

[Satu]

Unfaithful married men are very good at sniffing out potential affair partners vulnerabilities to exploit, so you need to identify your vulnerabilities and address them.

 

Its that which will prevent you falling into the same trap again.

 

 

Take care.

[ladydesigner]

This is true both post A in my own A and with the infidelity I experienced by my WH. My belief is that you can really only trust yourself. I would never (after what I have experienced) put all of my eggs in one basket... ever... again!

[road]

You know this is the ow/om forum, right?

 

Yes I do.

 

 

At sometimes medicine does not taste pleasant and that is the same for the truth.

 

 

You realize that the OP closed her opening post with: "The pain is to much to ever want to experience that again."

 

 

I do not want her to be abused again by another MM.

[Forever broken]

Slowly but surely you will meet someone who is very single and worthy of your love. You can never tell a person's true intention, however there are questions I now ask myself

 

- Can I spend time with him anytime I want?

- Does he call me at odd times?

- Does he make last minute date?

- Do I know any of his family members or friends?

- Can I publicly be seen with him without fear or panic?

 

I deserve a person who will love me without restrictions, and so do you. You will learn to trust again, just open your eyes.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, I absolutely lost trust in myself and my judgement. This is part of the healing process. Allow yourself to have this--and all other-feelings. With time, you will once again feel solid in your abilities to assess situations and make better choices with this experience now part of your wisdom.

[WisdomOverEmotion]

I would say this is probably a really common and understandable way to feel after a affair.

 

In my healing process, I promised myself to look after me and focus solely on me. Even though I deperately wanted to move on, I tried to keep myself to myself for a while.

 

Funny enough though, I'm in a relationship now. I feel loved, I see them often, talk everyday, have not been let down once in any way shape or form like XAP constantly did. This person is so open and honest, the opposite of XAP. And one thing I do appreciate is we don't have to hide our feelings for each other.

 

Took a while for me to come out of my shell, trust again. I did have constant thoughts running through my head about getting hurt.

 

Looking back at my time with my XAP its all so crystal clear. I wish I knew then what I know now.

 

My point of my story is, yes, it takes time to trust again. To get back to a healthy state of mind, ready for a new relationship.

And there are people out there who if they like you enough, will understand and be patient with you.

 

Best of luck. x

Edited September 27, 2016 by WisdomOverEmotion

[norudder]

Yes! Its taken what feels like a long time. hopefully in hindsight it will seem like a short chapter . I had to learn to trust myself again, get my foundation and get my actions back in line with my values against my feelings. so disorienting . im still learning and growing but am finally trusting my ability to trust others and how to handle situations with the untrustworthy. it gets better.

 

theres a neat 5 min Ted talk animation video about defining love. part of it is understanding every person has a different interpretation and value of it. Love doesn't always mean exclusivity. Doesn't imply commitment. For for some honesty is separate from love. For some its action others its just a feeling . Lesson learned to figure this stuff out and communicate about it ahead of time with future guys before i let myself fall in love.

 

You know better so you'll do better .

[Ahurtgirl]

One common theme I seem to notice is that the MM involved in an affair doesn't necessarily trust his OW. My affair is over and one of the things my xMM stated was that he trusts his wife but could never trust me. I found it interesting as he stated he trusted me during our relationship but the instant it ended, he changed his view. Do all MM view their OW as someone they really wouldn't trust in the long run? Just curious.

[DKT3]

One common theme I seem to notice is that the MM involved in an affair doesn't necessarily trust his OW. My affair is over and one of the things my xMM stated was that he trusts his wife but could never trust me. I found it interesting as he stated he trusted me during our relationship but the instant it ended, he changed his view. Do all MM view their OW as someone they really wouldn't trust in the long run? Just curious.

 

Yep, they don't trust nor have intent on legitimate relationships. Sometimes it happens but the trust is still lacking.

[pkn06002]

One common theme I seem to notice is that the MM involved in an affair doesn't necessarily trust his OW. My affair is over and one of the things my xMM stated was that he trusts his wife but could never trust me. I found it interesting as he stated he trusted me during our relationship but the instant it ended, he changed his view. Do all MM view their OW as someone they really wouldn't trust in the long run? Just curious.

 

Interesting question me being the MM I will give you my opinion.

 

I would say yes/no that is based on a few things.

 

1) During the affair you two are a "team" cheating and hiding things so there is an implied trust there so you don't get caught.

 

2) But once the affair is over "honor among thieves" does not exist

 

Read my post about 10 years in an affair with someone that I trusted to guard my feelings, she crushed me since I had misplaced trust over item 1 above.

 

I am sure there are some that can get over it but the fact it is an affair to start with means the whole "relationship" really has not solid foundation for trust.

[Cyra]

Goes both ways though. I know we tend to naively shut that off, but if he did it to his wife you could easily be next.

[DKT3]

Goes both ways though. I know we tend to naively shut that off, but if he did it to his wife you could easily be next.

 

I would say suppress, not shut off. I think in the case if MW they've convinced themselves that this guy is some kind of demigod and the relationship is magical and full of wonder, yet something holds them back. It's that voice saying your not stupid you know you can't trust this guy.

[road]

One common theme I seem to notice is that the MM involved in an affair doesn't necessarily trust his OW. My affair is over and one of the things my xMM stated was that he trusts his wife but could never trust me. I found it interesting as he stated he trusted me during our relationship but the instant it ended, he changed his view. Do all MM view their OW as someone they really wouldn't trust in the long run? Just curious.

 

 

You do not realize or forget that MM will say whatever is necessary to get into your pants, slacks, skirt, dress, leggings, jeans, shorts, and your Daisy Duke cut off shorts.

 

 

To participate in an affair one has to lie, cheat, and steal.

 

 

As the OW you lied, cheated, and stole from the MM's BW. You stole from the BW what was hers.

 

 

As the OW you allowed the MM to lie, cheat, and steal from your BH. To take from your BH what was his.

 

 

Now with you participating in all of this untrustworthy behavior of lying, cheating , and stealing how is the MM suppose to find you trustworthy?

 

 

Remember the MM said everything needed to get into your pants. Now that he is done with you he lets slip out his doubts about you.

 

 

Why is that?

 

 

So you get offended and never try to restart the affair again.

[Got it]

It depends. I trusted my AP, he trusted me, it didn't change even when broken up.

 

Shoot we trusted each the other enough to marry each other.

[carhill]

OP, IMO that particular aspect is fairly customary to human behavior as intellect rationalizing emotion. His current use for the other human is ended so she joins the billions of adversaries who can't/won't be trusted out there in life. Nothing remarkable IME. I went through the same stuff with MW's as they vacillated between their M's and A's. When inured to the M, the OM was scum of the earth. When seeking attention and validation and love, the OM was god in the heavens. The rationalization flipped back and forth dependent on their emotions.

[imperfectangel]

You do not realize or forget that MM will say whatever is necessary to get into your pants, slacks, skirt, dress, leggings, jeans, shorts, and your Daisy Duke cut off shorts.

 

 

To participate in an affair one has to lie, cheat, and steal.

 

 

As the OW you lied, cheated, and stole from the MM's BW. You stole from the BW what was hers.

 

 

As the OW you allowed the MM to lie, cheat, and steal from your BH. To take from your BH what was his.

 

 

Now with you participating in all of this untrustworthy behavior of lying, cheating , and stealing how is the MM suppose to find you trustworthy?

 

 

Remember the MM said everything needed to get into your pants. Now that he is done with you he lets slip out his doubts about you.

 

 

Why is that?

 

 

So you get offended and never try to restart the affair again.

 

I'm sorry but you can't steala person. - mm will only cheat if he wants to.

 

No one is forcing him. The time he gives to his ow he is choosing to give it

[ladydesigner]

One common theme I seem to notice is that the MM involved in an affair doesn't necessarily trust his OW. My affair is over and one of the things my xMM stated was that he trusts his wife but could never trust me. I found it interesting as he stated he trusted me during our relationship but the instant it ended, he changed his view. Do all MM view their OW as someone they really wouldn't trust in the long run? Just curious.

 

Oh yes these trustworthy MM don't trust the OW or MW because they are willing to cheat with a MM. Very hypocritical but typical.

[aileD]

It's funny you post this.

 

Just the other day I was going thru my husbands phone. He's been NC for five or six weeks now, but there were some old text messages still on his phone from ex AP. (They used all different texting app ph#s to communicate).

 

They were laced with mistrust and accusations from him towards her. I actually ALMOST felt kind of bad for her because in the messages she said nothing wrong and he drew all theses inferences and read too much into things to find stuff.

 

Example, one message he asked her to send him a pic...she's sleeping in her car at that point in July, sends him a pic of her with a blanket wrapped around her but her shoulders out and you can tell she's not wearing a shirt. Not a sexy pic or anything...and he's all "why don't you have a shirt on? Why are you sleeping shirtless?" She's like "I don't know it's hot out, I have a blanket". He starts telling her it makes him suspicious, it's inviting to men in the rest stop, it doesn't make any sense, is she alone, etc.

 

Another time she tells him she just wants to be with him now and is sick of waiting for him to leave me and why doesn't he just leave me now and be with her?

 

And he says "I dont know what you're trying to say but it sounds like you are saying you want to see other people, do you have someone in mind?" She's like "I never said that" and he's all "it's not what you say, it's what's behind your words and you do that all the time"

 

I almost felt bad for the wh***. Almost

 

He's said it to me many times when he was in the A that he can't trust her...and he knows it's hypocritical because of what he did....but the fact that she didn't care he was married and selfishly went for what she wanted makes him uncomfortable (lol! I KNOW) and he knows she could do that to him someday. Especially because she was with another MM before him. He knows she has the capability to do it. He knows she doesn't value marriage.

 

It's kind of like the guy who has ONs with a different woman every weekend but wants to marry a virgin or at least someone who never had a one night stand.

 

Me, on the other hand..at that same time He told me he trusts me. He knows that I would never step out on him. That all he put me thru, and I still wanted our marriage, he knows I value marriage, loyalty and wouldn't go thru all this if I didn't love him.

 

I know, I know. It's ****ed Up that MM would feel this way when THEY are the ones doing the hurting and deceiving to everyone. MM are so narcissistic and selfish or sick they don't focus on their inner faults and just on the faults of AP And BS

 

That's the nature of MM who have affairs. It's all about them.

 

I like you brought this up. I didn't realize it before but reading this showed me that this too, is just another CLICHE predictable part of having an affair.

 

It's funny that so many MM and AP think THEIR affair is SPECIAL, DIFFERENT,STARCROSSED AND UNIQUE.

 

It's not. If you are and OW...run

Edited October 3, 2016 by aileD

[Chica80]

Trust is an issue for me in general. But I trust MM more than most, other people.

 

I asked him once if we ever had a relationship, would he trust me. He said yes.

[Chica80]

It's funny you post this.

 

Just the other day I was going thru my husbands phone. He's been NC for five or six weeks now, but there were some old text messages still on his phone from ex AP. (They used all different texting app ph#s to communicate).

 

They were laced with mistrust and accusations from him towards her. I actually ALMOST felt kind of bad for her because in the messages she said nothing wrong and he drew all theses inferences and read too much into things to find stuff.

 

Example, one message he asked her to send him a pic...she's sleeping in her car at that point in July, sends him a pic of her with a blanket wrapped around her but her shoulders out and you can tell she's not wearing a shirt. Not a sexy pic or anything...and he's all "why don't you have a shirt on? Why are you sleeping shirtless?" She's like "I don't know it's hot out, I have a blanket". He starts telling her it makes him suspicious, it's inviting to men in the rest stop, it doesn't make any sense, is she alone, etc.

 

Another time she tells him she just wants to be with him now and is sick of waiting for him to leave me and why doesn't he just leave me now and be with her?

 

And he says "I dont know what you're trying to say but it sounds like you are saying you want to see other people, do you have someone in mind?" She's like "I never said that" and he's all "it's not what you say, it's what's behind your words and you do that all the time"

 

I almost felt bad for the wh***. Almost

 

He's said it to me many times when he was in the A that he can't trust her...and he knows it's hypocritical because of what he did....but the fact that she didn't care he was married and selfishly went for what she wanted makes him uncomfortable (lol! I KNOW) and he knows she could do that to him someday. Especially because she was with another MM before him. He knows she has the capability to do it. He knows she doesn't value marriage.

 

It's kind of like the guy who has ONs with a different woman every weekend but wants to marry a virgin or at least someone who never had a one night stand.

 

Me, on the other hand..at that same time He told me he trusts me. He knows that I would never step out on him. That all he put me thru, and I still wanted our marriage, he knows I value marriage, loyalty and wouldn't go thru all this if I didn't love him.

 

I know, I know. It's ****ed Up that MM would feel this way when THEY are the ones doing the hurting and deceiving to everyone. MM are so narcissistic and selfish or sick they don't focus on their inner faults and just on the faults of AP And BS

 

That's the nature of MM who have affairs. It's all about them.

 

I like you brought this up. I didn't realize it before but reading this showed me that this too, is just another CLICHE predictable part of having an affair.

 

It's funny that so many MM and AP think THEIR affair is SPECIAL, DIFFERENT,STARCROSSED AND UNIQUE.

 

It's not. If you are and OW...run

 

Forgive me for saying this, I don't know your story very well but your H OW sounds like a very broken girl. And yes she made the choice to have an A and be w MM or more than one like you say.

 

But your H sounds like a person who totally took advantage of the situation.