Boyfriend clubbing without me...

[Redhead14]

I really am crazy about him.

 

I was dating when I met him and seeing several guys and I just dropped them all when I met my current BF. I can't explain the elation I feel when I see him. The excitement. The passion.

 

His happiness has become almost like an addiction. His phonecalls are the funniest, our days out are the most fun. His hugs are the best and when I am stressed about work or study or anything else he knows exactly what to say. The sex is amazing and he is the best person I have ever been with.

 

If he came home to me after work, if he married me... I can't say I have ever felt like this before or met anyone who has felt so right.

 

If I thought this not having me in the club thing stems from a combo of his wanting to get drunk to let of steam and me not to see and maybe his being a jealous drunk in that environment I would try my damndest to work through it.

 

If I thought this not having me in the club thing stems from a combo of his wanting to get drunk to let of steam and me not to see and maybe his being a jealous drunk in that environment I would try my damndest to work through it. -- This entire paragraph is about his immaturity . . . on a couple of levels.

 

His happiness has become almost like an addiction. -- As soon as anyone says something like this about a dating partner, there's serious problem -- you're addicted to his happiness the way he's addicted to getting drunk and clubbing. An addiction is ANYTHING that interferes with a person's life in any area -- work, relationships, quality of life, etc. or a combination of those things and causes distress.

 

His behavior is interfering with his relationship with you and you are addicted to him and allowing him to interfere with your relationship with yourself. That means, you're settling for less that what you want in order to keep him in your life. What's he doing for you? He's not even compromising about this . . . he's sidestepping any opportunity that presents itself to include you. That's not how a relationship grows/works.

 

Have a real conversation with this guy and get some clear answers and accept nothing less than honesty and a sincere demonstration of effort into resolving this situation.

 

I suspect that the relationship feels so good to you because you are passive and needy and will take whatever you can get. You don't want to rock the boat. You're doing too much to keep the relationship. You're making a lot of excuses for him which are, in fact, about enabling and accepting and not really addressing the issue.

If I thought this not having me in the club thing stems from a combo of his wanting to get drunk to let of steam and me not to see and maybe his being a jealous drunk in that environment I would try my damndest to work through it. -- That is what you think it's about and you are doing your damndest to do all the work by accepting that behavior inspite of how it makes YOU feel.

[Redhead14]

Why would he want to cheat though?

 

Fast forward five years and I'm at home with his kid and doing all a good wife does - what does the girl in the club have that I don't? Assuming he does find me attractive and good company?

 

Said all the millions of divorced women who went ahead and married men who weren't really making them a priority, doing whatever the heck they wanted to anytime they wanted to inspite of the fact that they had a nice woman at home tending to his children and who cheated . . .

 

The majority of these women were with men who weren't right for them for various reasons and saw the flags and decided to ignore those flags because they thought the guy would change after they married . . .

[SexyPenguin]

OP, if you want to sign up for the life of being the loyal home-fire tender while your BF sows his wild oats, that is your choice. Many many women have done it, the examples are too numerous to mention. Wives of the following come to mind: Tom Jones, Gary Hart, you fill in the blank. Just understand clearly that this is the life you are considering.....

 

You've explained clearly why your BF is so attractive to you and I do understand. He seems like a special golden person and it feels like he makes your life special. You're not crazy or pathetic for being attracted to the fun times, happiness, smiles, hugs, companionship and sex. But you started questioning the downside. I encourage you to keep that process going. Remember this is your life we're talking about and you only have one.

Thank you to all for your replies. I do understand how I would be seen as a lost cause. But believe it or believe it not I am glad I made this post and it has got me thinking.

 

Yes I obviously have a choice to make and I won't make it too rashly. Myself and BF are flying out Sunday afternoon for a week in the sun. We are away from work, home, guy friends and possible girlfriends. Its just the two of us and I do think I will have a good week with him.

 

I will take this opportunity to hopefully start a few conversations. One around the future and what he wants, and a very firm one about what I want. I don't mind guys nights but a year into this relationship I want to not be seperate from anything. I will ask him if he has anything on his mind too, as maybe he does!

 

I am going to put it to him this way. We have all been young and had our stupid fun but if he wants the future he says he wants - I am not having the father of my kids falling out of a club when I'm at home with baba. If thats something he can't alter for - then he needs to reassess and that I do too as this is my future.

 

Then we come home and I can only wait and see. I will try not to be so blind, will try to analyse without going crazy and do some soul searching to strengthen my backbone. May as well disclose that I have made an appointment with a psych for my return from Portugal. It will probably be needed whatever happens!

 

For this week though, I may return my focus at least mainly to what bikini to pack, where to get my spray tan and look forward to my holiday as I have worked all year too - not just him.

 

Might stick around LS - have a few things I could learn from you all! Anonymity and vulnerability combined can be a powerful thing...

[EZNona]

Yes actually, forgot this.

 

Only two weeks ago, we met one of his good friends out and he said "S hasn't been out with us yet, how is that! Why don't you guys come out with us tonight?" And my BF said we had to be up early the next day so couldn't. Then the friend suggested the following night which he brushed off. Long story short, we didnt get out!

 

He actually came up to stay with me instead of me going down one weekend as it was his best friends girlfriend's birthday and they were going clubbing and she had asked him specifically to bring me! It defies logic! The friends seem open to me coming along!

 

I think it's obvious he doesn't want you to encounter any females at the club he has previously and recently flirted, danced, kissed, and/or fingered at the club. I have no doubt he presents himself as a single man to these ladies when he is at certain clubs. You being there acting like a girlfriend will blow his whole scheme up.

 

Even though your man is in a relationship, he still behaves as a bachelor and he won't stop until HE is mentally ready to let go of that lifestyle.

 

You think you're being the cool and understanding girlfriend, when you don't even realize you're making it even easier for him to maintain this lifestyle because you actually enable his bachelor ways.

 

I think you need to know that it's perfectly okay to put up healthy boundaries and say you are not okay and are not going to tolerate certain behaviors from him or any man.

 

You're getting yourself caught deep in a web that has the potential to leading to a big hurt for you down the line.

[preraph]

Oh preraph that reminds me of this guy I know. I've known him for years and only found out he was married because his wife got pregnant. This kid is 5 now. He keeps having gfs that end up dumping him because he's not gonna leave his wife, even though he says their relationship is over and they don't even sleep in the same room. Most recent gf broke up with him recently (I know because he becomes a FB drama queen) and then I found out his wife is preggers again so clearly their relatio ship is not that dead...

I have no idea if she knows about his affairs or if she just turns a blind eye..

 

Oh, yeah. There isn't a man alive who is paying the bills for a stay-at-home mother who's going to do it and not have sex with her. That's why they get so bent out of shape when they have to send them money after a divorce and that's why they get nasty once they find out she's dating someone and try to take the kids away. It's all about sex.

 

I still have no idea when or why that guy married. I know he's a little mercenary, inherited some money, though he's very frugal, but I think he preferred a woman with her own money and when he divorced, he was dating a woman like that. I don't know if he knew the wife a long time and was married forever or if she got knocked up and he married her or how he met her, but she was not part of our big crowd at all. Afterwards, I asked common friends about it and they were as clueless as I was.

[preraph]

Its awful but I could totally see myself being the wife who turns a blind eye to wandering astray as long as some love and affection is kept for me.

 

And I'm angry at myself for having to admit that. Even though in my heart of hearts I know it is true. I probably am a doormat but don't really know how to be any other way.

 

Well, if you're going to do that, at least get something else out of it. Like marry a rich guy so you can NOT stay home all the time and afford to travel and have a good time. How you can want to sleep with someone who is lying to you all the time and having sex with other women out of the kindness of your heart is beyond me, but I know you're not the first. It's desperation. And it doesn't sound like you have any reason to be that desperate because you said you're pretty and so you could have affection and the whole package and a guy who loves you and is truthful and hopefully faithful and thinks of your happiness.

[preraph]

I probably deserve a good beating but hug would definitely be accepted...

 

((())) Hugs for you. And I mean it.

 

But you have got to think about what staying with this arrangement will do to your kids when they are adults. They are learning to be a man from him and a woman from you. Do you want your precious daughter to learn to think loving a cheater who does whatever he wants and won't even take you out with him is normal? Do you want your son to grow up assuming all women are his to use and abuse? Think about the kids if you can't think about yourself.

[preraph]

I practically raised two kids alone after my Dad died. I have seen more illness, hardship and BS with alcohol than bears talking about.

 

I am angry at myself knowing I am with a man who shouldnt be allowed within five miles of a drink but I also have feelings for this man and so I am struggling. I will admit to being weak but not totally heartless and braindead.

 

This is why you are now mothering this guy. You were the caretaker growing up and that is normal to you, so now you still are with him.

 

I would just say on the drunk driving issue, I'm old, so we didn't have those laws growing up. Everyone drank and drove, my friends more than most. Not everyone who is drunk drives bad. No one I know ever hurt anyone. Luck? Maybe.

 

The other point I would make on the subject is where I am, Dallas, texting while driving is the MUCH bigger danger. I just talked to a new insurance agent last week and he told me that is why insurance has doubled here in the last 2 years. Not drunk driving, but texting. And no one wants to do anything about it because then police would be having to arrest soccer moms and their own moms and their own kids. So lets try to keep that in perspective. Drunk driving is nowhere near the killer texting and driving now is. And I wonder how many of you staunchly against drunk driving still at least read your smartphone while driving.

[katiegrl]

SP, when you speak to him... it might behoove you to mention that while you think it's okay for him to have his occasional "boys night"... it's not okay for him to be kissing and fingering other chicks while doing so.

 

Pretty important detail you left out there.

 

But guess since you're so busy packing your bikini and getting spray tanned you have more pressing things to think about.

[preraph]

SexyPenguin, once again, sincere hugs. We see on here every day how hard it is to lose a man you have let yourself fall in love with, under any circumstance.

 

You probably do need to continue with your therapy, just for support and someone to hold the compass for you for awhile.

 

But right now, in light of you coming to terms with learning this about yourself, just take a deep breath, maybe hit the "Alert" button down below this post, and if you get tired of talking about it, ask the moderators to lock the thread while you give yourself a chance to absorb everything you now have to think about and decide what to do. Or leave it open for support, but that will be a mixed bag. I think they'd reopen it for you upon request in the future should you want to update us, and I'm sure we'd all love to hear what happens.

 

I hope you will find the courage to demand at least honestly from your weekend boyfriend. I also hope you will spend $25 and run an online background check on him just so you know if he's married or ever been, and has he ever been in trouble. It would be a gauge to know if he's telling the truth once you have a talk with him. He wouldn't need to know.

[insert_name]

SP, when you speak to him... it might behoove you to mention that while you think it's okay for him to have his occasional "boys night"... it's not okay for him to be kissing and fingering other chicks while doing so.

 

Pretty important detail you left out there.

 

But guess since you're so busy packing your bikini and getting spray tanned you have more pressing things to think about.

 

This guy knows he can't lose so at this rate he is probably going to invite one of his friends from the club along for a threesome and OP is is going to be totally cool with it just in case this guy treats her like crap if she complains.

 

The scary thing about this is that OP is not even in denial. She accepts the situation, recognises she has no self respect and seems powerless to stop her vagina from running the show.

[katiegrl]

This guy knows he can't lose so at this rate he is probably going to invite one of his friends from the club along for a threesome and OP is is going to be totally cool with it just in case this guy treats her like crap if she complains.

 

The scary thing about this is that OP is not even in denial. She accepts the situation, recognises she has no self respect and seems powerless to stop her vagina from running the show.

 

I agree and at this point I have absolutely zero sympathy.... only pity.

 

Done!

[sooshi]

Yes I obviously have a choice to make and I won't make it too rashly. Myself and BF are flying out Sunday afternoon for a week in the sun. We are away from work, home, guy friends and possible girlfriends. Its just the two of us and I do think I will have a good week with him.

 

I will take this opportunity to hopefully start a few conversations. One around the future and what he wants, and a very firm one about what I want. I don't mind guys nights but a year into this relationship I want to not be seperate from anything. I will ask him if he has anything on his mind too, as maybe he does!

 

 

No. You don't wait until after week-long vacation with him to have these conversations.

 

You have these conversations NOW.

 

The vacation isn't suddenly going to change who he is

The vacation isn't suddenly going to change what he wants or how he wants to live.

The vacation isn't suddenly going to change how he treats you.

 

It won't.

 

Your desire to talk to him following the vacation is an excuse. You think that by spending a lovely week with him, he is going to change who he is, what he wants, and how he treats you. You think that he'll reflect on the good times of the vacation, and that suddenly he'll realize that you're worth changing for and that you're worth being respectful towards. He's still going to go clubbing, "throw" girls around and laugh while he does so. He's still going to drink and drive. He's still going to want to be places without you.

 

He won't change. He likes the life he's living. He likes taking advantage of you. He doesn't care about you. He cares about living the wild life, having fun, adrenaline. He likes cheating on you. He likes all of these things, and he continues to do it. Because you let him. And because HE LIKES IT.

 

Talk to him now. Dump the idiot and go the vacation alone. You need to have a lovely week with yourself, not with someone who continues to hurt you and makes you feel worthless.

Edited September 27, 2016 by sooshi

[SexyPenguin]

This is why you are now mothering this guy. You were the caretaker growing up and that is normal to you, so now you still are with him.

 

I would just say on the drunk driving issue, I'm old, so we didn't have those laws growing up. Everyone drank and drove, my friends more than most. Not everyone who is drunk drives bad. No one I know ever hurt anyone. Luck? Maybe.

 

The other point I would make on the subject is where I am, Dallas, texting while driving is the MUCH bigger danger. I just talked to a new insurance agent last week and he told me that is why insurance has doubled here in the last 2 years. Not drunk driving, but texting. And no one wants to do anything about it because then police would be having to arrest soccer moms and their own moms and their own kids. So lets try to keep that in perspective. Drunk driving is nowhere near the killer texting and driving now is. And I wonder how many of you staunchly against drunk driving still at least read your smartphone while driving.

 

I'm Irish, it really is common here. Our pubs are rural, and there are so few taxis guys often see it as the only way home. I will say for BF the drink driving is not a regular, its just one of the stupid things he does on a very rare occasion and I don't support it but he isn't an evil person because of it. And the whole text driving thing is a major issue, I personally do neither. Dodgy enough driver with full concentration :lmao:

 

SexyPenguin, once again, sincere hugs. We see on here every day how hard it is to lose a man you have let yourself fall in love with, under any circumstance.

 

You probably do need to continue with your therapy, just for support and someone to hold the compass for you for awhile.

 

 

And I do love him. I see other women here think I am stupid and pitiful and a number of other things but I am not, I am not blind. I will address this with him and if he does not change I will leave him. But I have to at least try first - he has good traits too.

[SexyPenguin]

SP, when you speak to him... it might behoove you to mention that while you think it's okay for him to have his occasional "boys night"... it's not okay for him to be kissing and fingering other chicks while doing so.

 

Pretty important detail you left out there.

 

But guess since you're so busy packing your bikini and getting spray tanned you have more pressing things to think about.

 

I will, I will say it all, and clearly at that.

 

But for god's sakes, I saved my own hard earned money for a week away with the man I love and I don't want this to totally overshadow whatever bit of enjoyment I will get out of looking forward to this break away. I have made the decision to try and sort this with him. If he doesn't compromise, then I will go. But I havent checked out of the relationship yet, so until I do, I can still enjoy the positives, and work on solving the negatives.

[katiegrl]

No. You don't wait until after week-long vacation with him to have these conversations.

 

You have these conversations NOW.

 

The vacation isn't suddenly going to change who he is

The vacation isn't suddenly going to change what he wants or how he wants to live.

The vacation isn't suddenly going to change how he treats you.

 

It won't.

 

Your desire to talk to him following the vacation is an excuse. You think that by spending a lovely week with him, he is going to change who he is, what he wants, and how he treats you. You think that he'll reflect on the good times of the vacation, and that suddenly he'll realize that you're worth changing for and that you're worth being respectful towards. He's still going to go clubbing, "throw" girls around and laugh while he does so. He's still going to drink and drive. He's still going to want to be places without you.

 

He won't change. He likes the life he's living. He likes taking advantage of you. He doesn't care about you. He cares about living the wild life, having fun, adrenaline. He likes cheating on you. He likes all of these things, and he continues to do it. Because you let him. And because HE LIKES IT.

 

Talk to him now. Dump the idiot and go the vacation alone. You need to have a lovely week with yourself, not with someone who continues to hurt you and makes you feel worthless.

 

sooshi, pls read insert_name's post again.

 

She is fully aware of who he is.

 

SHE DOES NOT CARE.

[kendahke]

I can't picture myself wanting anyone else.

I can't seem to get myself to that place with this guy.

I can't make myself want to leave.

 

Yes you can.

 

First thing you need to do is to stop lying to yourself. Always be truthful with yourself.

 

You don't WANT to picture yourself with someone else. You don't WANT to make yourself want to leave. It's not that you can't--you can--it's a matter of you won't/don't want to. If that is the case, then you need to develop tools and skills to be able to stand being with a guy who treats you like he does.

 

Here is what you're grappling with: he doesn't want to change to become someone you'd rather deal with. He can only be who he is: himself. If he's the kind of guy who doesn't believe that his girlfriend belongs out on the town with him and his friends, no amount of scheming, manipulation or game playing is going to change him

 

This is who he is. You either get with that and be quiet and content with what you have because you got him---or you bounce. But trying to turn into his mother in order to make him obey is really going beyond what is necessary and is careening into the "now you're being absurd" territory.

[sooshi]

Gaeta was right.

 

OP, you're going to learn the hard way.

 

Good luck. I'm out.

[EZNona]

Thank you to all for your replies. I do understand how I would be seen as a lost cause. But believe it or believe it not I am glad I made this post and it has got me thinking.

 

Yes I obviously have a choice to make and I won't make it too rashly. Myself and BF are flying out Sunday afternoon for a week in the sun. We are away from work, home, guy friends and possible girlfriends. Its just the two of us and I do think I will have a good week with him.

 

I will take this opportunity to hopefully start a few conversations. One around the future and what he wants, and a very firm one about what I want. I don't mind guys nights but a year into this relationship I want to not be seperate from anything. I will ask him if he has anything on his mind too, as maybe he does!

 

I am going to put it to him this way. We have all been young and had our stupid fun but if he wants the future he says he wants - I am not having the father of my kids falling out of a club when I'm at home with baba. If thats something he can't alter for - then he needs to reassess and that I do too as this is my future.

 

Then we come home and I can only wait and see. I will try not to be so blind, will try to analyse without going crazy and do some soul searching to strengthen my backbone. May as well disclose that I have made an appointment with a psych for my return from Portugal. It will probably be needed whatever happens!

 

 

Well, I think this is some progress from where you initially started the thread. Baby steps. Just promise yourself that you won't sweep this issue under the rug. I don't realistically expect you to throw away your trip, but when the first opportunity arises for him to take you out clubbing and he refuses, you really need to put your foot down and/or leave him. You need to explain to him how you feel just like you told us on here and if he gets angry, defensive, rude, etc....well, too bad, so sad for him. That will be your real answer and no need for further discussions.

 

I can tell you don't want to let him go because mentally and emotionally you think he is "the one". When people believe they are with the one they are meant to marry, they tend to excuse or look away from really bad behaviors because they choose to believe the person will change over time. If you choose to be the woman that looks away, then expect to feel a lot of suffering in comparison to the little bit of joy and comfort you may get from time to time.

 

Be strong-er!!!!

[preraph]

I'm Irish, it really is common here. Our pubs are rural, and there are so few taxis guys often see it as the only way home. I will say for BF the drink driving is not a regular, its just one of the stupid things he does on a very rare occasion and I don't support it but he isn't an evil person because of it. And the whole text driving thing is a major issue, I personally do neither. Dodgy enough driver with full concentration :lmao:

 

 

 

And I do love him. I see other women here think I am stupid and pitiful and a number of other things but I am not, I am not blind. I will address this with him and if he does not change I will leave him. But I have to at least try first - he has good traits too.

 

One of the old 1930s actresses once said "There are worse things than waking up next to a handsome man."

[cactusgal]

I'm Irish, too. I do not know anyone who drives drunk. Nobody. I definitely wouldn't date anyone who did, much less form a relationship with them.

I don't think you should use culture as an excuse for his behaviour.

[Omei]

I would break up with this guy simply because he drinks and drives never mind the club stuff that there shows his so called "maturity".

[smackie9]

*Relationships don't survive on love alone.

 

*Even though we are in love doesn't mean we make the right choices for ourselves.

 

*Healthy choices might be the most difficult to follow but will be less painful than keeping yourself in false hope.

 

*Getting out now would be like ripping off an old band-aid.....it stings at first, but the pain goes away quickly.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship doesn't have legs.

 

He's not serious about you. He likes you and your affections well enough, but only to a certain point. He isn't in love. Men who are in love don't keep parts of their lives a secret.

 

Sorry, but this one won't last, OP. It's already obvious he's not in it for the long-haul. It will last only until you "cramp his style" too much and he bails, or until you find who these girls that's he hooking up with really are, and you bail. Because I guarantee you, he is being inappropriate with other girls. He's already doing it, you just don't have solid evidence yet.

 

But he will slip up sooner or later. Cheaters nearly always do. One of them will call or message him and you'll happen to see or hear it, or he will accidentally call you by one of their names. Or one of them will leave a hair tie or lip balm in his car. Or one of his buddies' girlfriends will get wind of his real behaviour, take pity on you, and clue you in. Something.

 

Think about it. He's already testing you to see what he can get away with. That is why he tells you about dancing with other girls. Because you try so hard to get him to like you by being "understanding" and nonchalant, he has already basically fooled you into giving your tacit permission to do more. How so? Because if he ever does get caught out with doing more, he can just tell you it was only dancing and remind you that you were fine with it before.

 

You're digging your own grave. He's very manipulative and you're being played for a fool, girl.

[katiegrl]

This relationship doesn't have legs.

 

He's not serious about you. He likes you and your affections well enough, but only to a certain point. He isn't in love. Men who are in love don't keep parts of their lives a secret.

 

Sorry, but this one won't last, OP. It's already obvious he's not in it for the long-haul. It will last only until you "cramp his style" too much and he bails, or until you find who these girls that's he hooking up with really are, and you bail. Because I guarantee you, he is being inappropriate with other girls. He's already doing it, you just don't have solid evidence yet.

 

But he will slip up sooner or later. Cheaters nearly always do. One of them will call or message him and you'll happen to see or hear it, or he will accidentally call you by one of their names. Or one of them will leave a hair tie or lip balm in his car. Or one of his buddies' girlfriends will get wind of his real behaviour, take pity on you, and clue you in. Something.

 

Think about it. He's already testing you to see what he can get away with. That is why he tells you about dancing with other girls. Because you try so hard to get him to like you by being "understanding" and nonchalant, he has already basically fooled you into giving your tacit permission to do more. How so? Because if he ever does get caught out with doing more, he can just tell you it was only dancing and remind you that you were fine with it before.

 

You're digging your own grave. He's very manipulative and you're being played for a fool, girl.

 

OMG so much this^^!