Boyfriend clubbing without me...

[Redhead14]

To be perfectly honest, I may not like DUI, but where I am from everyone does it and I am not going to change an entire drinking culture by fighting with my boyfriend over it. If he sees everyone else around him doing it, I know I am fighting a losing battle before I even begin.

 

This is not about EVERYONE ELSE, this is about you and him!

 

If he sees everyone else around him doing it -- What is he 12??? My mother would say things like "well, if all your friends were jumping off the Empire State Building, would you do it too?

 

I know I am fighting a losing battle before I even begin --

 

You're not his mother. You are a woman who is evaluating this man as a potential, long-term partner for suitability as a husband/father/man who is mature enough to put others first in his life and act responsibly. He's certainly not doing that for you now and so, the relationship and any products of that relationship aren't going to be a priority in his life. Yeah, he might grow up someday, but he's not on that path right now, that's for sure.

 

You don't lecture him or try to win a "battle", you tell him that you are uncomfortable with his lifestyle choices and not comfortable with the direction your relationship is going and wish him well.

 

I for one, would not want to be the woman, who is at home, knowing her "man" is out carousing, putting himself and others at risk and waiting for that call . . .

 

Besides all that, at almost a year into a relationship, I would be expecting to be made a bigger part of a man's life if he is intending to see the relationship grow and seeing a real and serious future with a woman.

 

Have you two ever talked about your goals for your lives?

[Zahara]

To be perfectly honest, I may not like DUI, but where I am from everyone does it and I am not going to change an entire drinking culture by fighting with my boyfriend over it. If he sees everyone else around him doing it, I know I am fighting a losing battle before I even begin.

 

This speaks highly of your lack/non-existent standards for yourself in that you would date a "man" that you coddle like a child, enable irresponsible and destructive behavior just to have someone in your life. The fact that his incredibly selfish disregard for others doesn't repulse you but actually encourages you to treat him like a spoiled brat is also indicative of your own immaturity, lack of self-awareness and your desperation to have a man in your life.

 

A person with healthy sense of boundaries and standards is going to step away knowing that their set of values far differ from each other. But you sit there and tolerate deplorable behavior -- and not just the drinking and driving.

 

At this point this turd can do absolutely anything and you'll sit there beaming with pride. I hate to say this again -- your self-esteem is in the toilet.

[katiegrl]

OP, do you not care that your "boyfriend" has absolutely no respect for you?

 

May even be secretly laughing at you with his buddies?

 

Don't kid yourself about that either, I have five brothers and they used to laugh at their girlfriends just like you all the time!

 

Re what they (the women) allowed them to get away with and being a doormat.

 

It wasn't nice, and my brothers have since grown out of it, but your bf is seriously immature, no doubt he is laughing at you.

 

Sorry to be harsh but if nothing else will motivate you to leave this toxicity, then hopefully that will.

[insert_name]

I can imagine this scenario happening.

 

Him: Honey, I drank too much last night, drove while drunk, and struck a vehicle. I killed a young man, his pregnant wife, and their two young kids.

 

You: That's nice, love!

 

:sick::mad:

 

Yeah but he is so haaaawt though.....

 

[SexyPenguin]

OP, do you not care that your "boyfriend" has absolutely no respect for you?

 

May even be secretly laughing at you with his buddies?

 

 

I do care. I care an awful lot. Thats why I am here.

 

Think it was Zahara who mentioned my self esteem. I know I am the real problem here. I just see no way out of it that I am able to carry through.

[VeveCakes]

I do care. I care an awful lot. Thats why I am here.

 

Think it was Zahara who mentioned my self esteem. I know I am the real problem here. I just see no way out of it that I am able to carry through.

 

Why do you need this crappy bf?

 

Be single, be free...plans be damned. You are still so young, a whole lifetime ahead of you.

[SexyPenguin]

Yeah but he is so haaaawt though.....

 

I practically raised two kids alone after my Dad died. I have seen more illness, hardship and BS with alcohol than bears talking about.

 

I am angry at myself knowing I am with a man who shouldnt be allowed within five miles of a drink but I also have feelings for this man and so I am struggling. I will admit to being weak but not totally heartless and braindead.

[SexyPenguin]

Why do you need this crappy bf?

 

Be single, be free...plans be damned. You are still so young, a whole lifetime ahead of you.

I can't picture myself wanting anyone else. I was in a two year relationship before this one and I was the one who ended it... and I had no regrets because I knew it wasn't the right person for me. I can't seem to get myself to that place with this guy. I can't make myself want to leave.

[insert_name]

Yeah... I actually just lost whatever respect was lurking here for the OP. How can you seriously condone this? Because guess what, one person stopping DOES change something. You guys probably text and drive too and think it's cool...

 

Shame on you both.

 

What women as a collective fail realise/act upon is that *NEWSFLASH* men will do whatever they have to do to get laid. Anything.

 

If women collectively insisted that they won't sleep with drink drivers, drug dealers, gang bangers etc that behaviour would start to change. Sadly the complete opposite is true, personified by OP. If you are good looking you can do what you want, treat people how you want and at the end of the day be rewarded for it.

 

I find the rationalising for inactivity almost as bad as the act of DUI itself. As another poster metioned you wonder what it is that the OP is looking to get out of this thread as every response results in yet another rationalisation of poor behaviour.

 

The one thing that I don't think OP can rationalise however, is this whole situation ending well...

[katiegrl]

I do care. I care an awful lot. Thats why I am here.

 

Think it was Zahara who mentioned my self esteem. I know I am the real problem here. I just see no way out of it that I am able to carry through.

 

No you don't care because if you did you would leave.

 

Hell, this bozo is laughing at you! Especially after he tells you about these other chicks he messes around with at the club...like you are a frat buddy! And you just listen and accept.

 

What are you telling yourself that allows you to think this is okay?

 

That he loves you? No this isn't love.

 

That he cares? No this isn't caring.

 

The only thing you should be telling yourself is that he has no respect for you, is laughing at you... and is making a huge fool out of you .... as well as you making a fool of yourself..

 

Again apologies if harsh.....

Edited September 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[insert_name]

I practically raised two kids alone after my Dad died. I have seen more illness, hardship and BS with alcohol than bears talking about.

 

I am angry at myself knowing I am with a man who shouldnt be allowed within five miles of a drink but I also have feelings for this man and so I am struggling. I will admit to being weak but not totally heartless and braindead.

 

Easy for me to say, but it is hard to see what positive stuff you really get out of this because from where I am seeing this guy is coasting along with you and doing the bare minimum to get by. The positives you listed are things that most decent guys would do.

 

And I speak as a guy who did what this guy is doing. I was in a 2 year relationship with a girl who liked the same music as me but I went clubbing without her- why? Because we had gotten pretty familiar and comfortable and I was hanging out at this club with another girl who I was considering leaving her for. My girlfriend turned up one night to surprise me, I still remember the happiness on her face as she saw me....until she realised what the score was. It then got pretty brutal.

 

Sadly, I can't help but notice the parallels with your situation. If a guy is keeping you out of another part of his life that involves random women then there is usually a very good reason for that.

[SexyPenguin]

Wish I knew what to say I really do.

[Zahara]

1) He is hugely attractive. He is smart, funny, good looking and a good conversationalist.

 

This was the first "positive" you noted about him when someone asked about his qualities. The superficial was the first to jump out.

 

I think being with this man helps you value yourself and without him you feel unworthy. He's "hawt" and it boosts your ego. Without him, you have a void because you don't think much of yourself or believe you're deserving. He gives you a false sense of confidence. He makes you feel good about yourself. And even when he's pissing on you, you shut your eyes because you are thirsting for validation. You probably don't feel like you can do any better but since he has a few redeeming qualities, you'll just go along and settle for him regardless of all the other HUGE red flags.

[SexyPenguin]

Easy for me to say, but it is hard to see what positive stuff you really get out of this because from where I am seeing this guy is coasting along with you and doing the bare minimum to get by. The positives you listed are things that most decent guys would do.

 

I really am crazy about him.

 

I was dating when I met him and seeing several guys and I just dropped them all when I met my current BF. I can't explain the elation I feel when I see him. The excitement. The passion.

 

His happiness has become almost like an addiction. His phonecalls are the funniest, our days out are the most fun. His hugs are the best and when I am stressed about work or study or anything else he knows exactly what to say. The sex is amazing and he is the best person I have ever been with.

 

If he came home to me after work, if he married me... I can't say I have ever felt like this before or met anyone who has felt so right.

 

If I thought this not having me in the club thing stems from a combo of his wanting to get drunk to let of steam and me not to see and maybe his being a jealous drunk in that environment I would try my damndest to work through it.

[SexyPenguin]

This was the first "positive" you noted about him when someone asked about his qualities. The superficial was the first to jump out.

 

I think being with this man helps you value yourself and without him you feel unworthy. He's "hawt" and it boosts your ego. Without him, you have a void because you don't think much of yourself or believe you're deserving. He gives you a false sense of confidence. He makes you feel good about yourself. And even when he's pissing on you, you shut your eyes because you are thirsting for validation. You probably don't feel like you can do any better but since he has a few redeeming qualities, you'll just go along and settle for him regardless of all the other HUGE red flags.

When I say attractive I mean far more than looks! Looks fade with age, and I have no fear of it with him. Charisma might be a better word. I dont think looks wise he is out of my league at all. I have been with hotter. But personality - no we definitely click I am not imagining it.

[SwordofFlame]

Can I ask how you met this guy?

[sooshi]

Wish I knew what to say I really do.

 

You say to your man-child of a boyfriend:

 

"This relationship isn't working for me. I need to move on. I need to go no contact so that I can heal. Goodbye."

 

Make it a firm decision.

 

That would be an excellent decision.

[SexyPenguin]

Can I ask how you met this guy?

Through sport! He plays, I work with sports injuries! We were actually both at a game though! Sitting beside eachother and got talking about sport and then work and then added on facebook and then began a pretty whirlwind romance!

[Gaeta]

OP is a lost case. She won't leave him even if she found him in bed with another woman. She will let go when HE is the one dumping her and than again she'll beg him back.

 

If she wants to waste the best years of her life on him than be it. Some people need to learn their lesson the hard way.

[katiegrl]

I really am crazy about him.

 

I was dating when I met him and seeing several guys and I just dropped them all when I met my current BF. I can't explain the elation I feel when I see him. The excitement. The passion.

 

His happiness has become almost like an addiction. His phonecalls are the funniest, our days out are the most fun. His hugs are the best and when I am stressed about work or study or anything else he knows exactly what to say. The sex is amazing and he is the best person I have ever been with.

 

If he came home to me after work, if he married me... I can't say I have ever felt like this before or met anyone who has felt so right.

 

If I thought this not having me in the club thing stems from a combo of his wanting to get drunk to let of steam and me not to see and maybe his being a jealous drunk in that environment I would try my damndest to work through it.

 

Yeah I felt the exact same about my ex. In fact being with him, especially sexually, almost felt like I was having an out of body experience!

 

Totally blind to the *real* him which turned out to be a full blown drug addict, womanizer and sociopath.

 

This was after six years together, and engaged to be married.

 

So yeah I know all about obsession, denial and living in never-never land. It took me awhile to realize it though.

 

In your case, you already who he is! He is showing you who he is, telling you who he is.

 

But yet you choose to stay and accept.

 

Now I don't know what to say! I am a total loss for words to understand what you could possibly be telling yourself that makes this all okay.

 

So so sad.

[Redhead14]

I do care. I care an awful lot. Thats why I am here.

 

Think it was Zahara who mentioned my self esteem. I know I am the real problem here. I just see no way out of it that I am able to carry through.

 

The best time to make a change for the better for yourself is -- RIGHT NOW!

 

Your self-esteem is suffering because you are not with a man who appreciates/supports/values you.

 

If you truly want to do something to boost your self-esteem, end this with this man right now and do it with resolve, dignity and respect. Once you do the thing you are most afraid of, you get on the road to recovering and building esteem. You are afraid of being alone, not having a man in your life. You don't NEED a man in your life. But, you should WANT a man who complements your life, has the same goals and interests, not a man-child who needs a mother. You want a partner, not a man to raise . . . Send him home to his mother/parents so they can finish the job they started.

 

"Fear does not control me, I face it so as to control it" . . . you are a young, strong, independent woman and deserves to have a life that is filled with people who bring their best selves forward and complements the happiness you already have for yourself.

[Zahara]

I agree with Gaeta and Katie -- you're going to have to learn a very hard and painful lesson and it will come at some point in your life when the pain of your reality starts to far outweigh this delusional love fantasy. This will end by him dumping you or you becoming so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

Hopefully you then seek introspection and work towards fostering your self-esteem.

 

Right now, you're looking through rose colored glasses and a very fractured sense of self. No amount of advice will help you.

[Redhead14]

Lot's of people seek advice for ways to fix the Partner, which can't be done, when they should be looking to fix themselves which requires the mindset of focusing on themselves and their feelings, wants and needs only.

 

As far as I am concerned, OP, you are taking on a project and trying to create a "man", (the man you want him to be). Frankenstein did that. He even got it to walk around, but it wasn't pretty . . .

[SoleMate]

OP, if you want to sign up for the life of being the loyal home-fire tender while your BF sows his wild oats, that is your choice. Many many women have done it, the examples are too numerous to mention. Wives of the following come to mind: Tom Jones, Gary Hart, you fill in the blank. Just understand clearly that this is the life you are considering.....

 

You've explained clearly why your BF is so attractive to you and I do understand. He seems like a special golden person and it feels like he makes your life special. You're not crazy or pathetic for being attracted to the fun times, happiness, smiles, hugs, companionship and sex. But you started questioning the downside. I encourage you to keep that process going. Remember this is your life we're talking about and you only have one.

[katiegrl]

As Gaeta said, OP is lost cause right now..... our words are all for naught.

 

Sometimes people just have to hit rock bottom before they "get it".

 

Let's just hope that rock bottom isn't HIV or something equally devastating, which is quite possible, given the way he carries on.

 

Best of luck SP.

Edited September 27, 2016 by katiegrl