Boyfriend clubbing without me...

[katiegrl]

Hate to say it but as long as you continue tolerating it, he's gonna continue doing it.

 

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be the cool chick... going along with his agenda, cause he will ultimately NOT respect you for it if he doesn't already.

 

Stand up for yourself for chrissakes, this is just flat out unacceptable for a man in a committed RL, period END OF.

 

And HE knows that too, don't kid yourself about that.

 

Also, the stuff he shares with you about his nights out... the other women and ****.... who does he think you are, a frat buddy?

 

THAT is how he is treating you... speak up, and stand up for yourself, this is beyond ridiculous.

 

How is he or any man gonna respect you if you can't respect yourself enough to speak up about something seriously troubling you, and make sure it sinks in.

 

So what if it pisses him off and causes an argument... he is being a d***!

Edited September 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Some days ago I read something that spoke to me:

 

The biggest illusion men have about their girlfriends/wives is that they will never leave.

 

The biggest illusion women have about their boyfriends/husbands is that they will change.

 

Same with you, OP, keep playing the good Samaritan, your mother instinct will trick you into thinking that this man is just a poor lost sheep that needs a kind and loving shepherd in his life.

 

I felt the same about my recent ex - poor man, he's so broken, lemme fix him.

 

They don't want to be fixed. It seems to me that men stop respecting women who try to solve their problems. And that man doesn't seem to respect you. The way he acts is not normal or acceptable.

[Raena]

Does he tell you which nightclub he is going to on any particular night? If not, is there a way you can somehow find out? If you can, I would go and watch from the sidelines if you can manage to hide out/be incognito. Or, send a friend to check it out........I can pretty much guarantee you know what's going on already though. Writing is on the wall. Sorry

 

I read through the entire thread checking to see if someone suggested this. I can't believe you haven't done this yet. It's probably the first thing I'd be doing in your situation. I'd be wondering exactly why it is that he doesn't want you along. I mean, you could just ask him why and maybe he'd have some plausible explanation but that still wouldn't tell you the whole story. I'd probably even just show up with my friends and act like I didn't know he was going to be there. I'd want to see for myself what he's doing when he thinks I'm not watching.

 

But... in my opinion... the moment you start feeling the need to snoop/stalk or otherwise sneak around checking to make sure your partner is faithful is the beginning of the end of your relationship.

 

It would be much better if you could directly tell him how much this concerns you rather than letting it slide and just trusting that he's being faithful when he's out clubbing without you.

 

Be clear about it too... tell him that the fact that he refuses to take you along is very concerning to you and you'd prefer if he'd take you along rather than avoid it.

 

I will tell you a story though about this guy I knew back in the day when I used to go clubbing all the time. He and I hung out together regularly for several months to a year. We'd go out to bars, go to the movies, hang out at my job (which was a bar/restaurant), sit and talk for hours while he was working etc. Come to find out, he had a girlfriend that he had been with for quite awhile. I never knew about her because he never took her out with him when he was "drinking with the boys" either. He never talked about her and acted like he was single. His friends didn't say anything to me about her either until after I found out about it and they didn't say anything to her either. We were all about the same age as you and your bf when this happened. The only reason I found out about her was because he used to act "squirrelly" whenever I mentioned going to this bar near where he lived. He didn't want me going there. So my best friend and I decided to go one night anyway. We met someone there who inadvertently told me that the guy I was friends with was cheating on his gf all the time. (He didn't even know I knew the guy, just happened to be talking about him... small town bar where everyone knows everyone.)

 

I've learned since that anytime a man keeps you away from a specific part of his life there is usually a reason for it... and it's never good.

[Cinnamonstix]

I vote cheating.

 

He has a history of cheating and his behaviour now is very shady.

 

You are being a doormat. I don't mean that harshly. When I was a doormat, I wish someone would have pointed that out to me.

 

He doesn't want you to go out with him and his friends because you'd ruin his fun (pulling girls). And his drunk friends or someone else at the club might say something to you.

 

He doesn't want to go out with just you or you and your friends because his idea of fun while drinking at a club is pulling girls. Plenty of guys don't enjoy clubs unless they can hook up with women.

 

This is not about him being jealous if you're around. This is because he is a shady loser who has no business being in a relationship.

[katiegrl]

OP is in denial.

 

Quite common actually, been there myself.

 

Once I exited never-never land and entered reality, I ended it.

 

Big lesson learned though.

[basil67]

Sexy Penguin, I don't know whether to give you a big hug or hit you upside the head with a piece of 4x2. I think I'd probably do both.

 

I have no idea why you feel lucky to have this guy. I would have dumped him just because of the drinking issues.....let alone him not taking you out or making an effort to look nice for you.

[basil67]

You know how you don't want to give up on him? Standing by people who are struggling is great when they are making a concerted effort to change and find new ways to be. I'm talking about being dead keen to change working really hard at being a better person.

 

However, your guy isn't making changes. He's not wanting to stop drinking. He's not wanting to stop risking other people's lives by not DUI. He's not wanting to include you when he goes out. There's nothing to give up on because he's not seeking change.

 

He's perfectly happy as he is. And it's not going to change in the foreseeable future.

[preraph]

In my old circle, it was guys who were attractive by virtue of they were somewhat high profile, at least locally, so they had opportunities because they were in bands or artists or super good looking or whatever. One thing I noticed is that a certain number of these guys would keep a more or less secret wife or partner at home that others barely even knew existed and just continue with their other dating life. These women were usually mild and meek and nothing like the rest of their social circle who were night owls and partiers and musicians. Nice but wildish.

 

I knew these two bothers for 3 years and my whole crowd knew them. I'd been to their big home that had a studio in it on a few occasions. I thought they both lived there. I liked both of them as friends from my circle. One of them started being romantic with me at that house out in the yard one night, and we started an affair. Then one night right after sex he said, I feel guilty. And I said, What have you got to feel guilty about? You're not THAT small. NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. I asked why and he told me he's married with a baby!! I knew this guy AND his brother for three years, saw him out all the time, visited his retail store that he owned and hung out there alone and with others frequently. I was all up in his life and knew all his friends. He kept that wife a secret! She never once came out to see his band play (and it was only one baby and it was new so that's not why) and she never once came and helped out at his store and none of my friends apparently knew he was married either and he had a separate house, not the one I'd visited. He was not a big player either, so I don't know for sure why he kept her secret, but he did. He did divorce after he briefly dated me and moved on to someone else, but that's all I know. He claims I was the first extramarital affair. I was not happy about that. It didn't jibe with what I knew about him.

 

Guys can be very sneaky. He was living a double life and she was putting up with him leaving all the baby stuff to her and staying out ALL night many nights.

 

I have always noticed that some wild guys will purposefully find a mild wife who will look the other way and either be too dumb to notice what's going on or just be too desperate to call him on it and just let it be. But they seem more connected to their other group of friends than to her.

Edited September 26, 2016 by preraph

[preraph]

You know how you don't want to give up on him? Standing by people who are struggling is great when they are making a concerted effort to change and find new ways to be. I'm talking about being dead keen to change working really hard at being a better person.

 

However, your guy isn't making changes. He's not wanting to stop drinking. He's not wanting to stop risking other people's lives by not DUI. He's not wanting to include you when he goes out. There's nothing to give up on because he's not seeking change.

 

He's perfectly happy as he is. And it's not going to change in the foreseeable future.

 

Earlier she said she wished she was "the one." She is "the one" except to her this means the woman he is loyal to and to him it means the one who will let him continue dating other women while being supportive and sweet about it. I mean, I'm sure he'd be very sorry indeed to lose her -- but once she speaks up about it, she is no longer "the one." She is just someone stopping him from what he wants to do.

[stillafool]

In my old circle, it was guys who were attractive by virtue of they were somewhat high profile, at least locally, so they had opportunities because they were in bands or artists or super good looking or whatever. One thing I noticed is that a certain number of these guys would keep a more or less secret wife or partner at home that others barely even knew existed and just continue with their other dating life. These women were usually mild and meek and nothing like the rest of their social circle who were night owls and partiers and musicians. Nice but wildish.

 

I knew these two bothers for 3 years and my whole crowd knew them. I'd been to their big home that had a studio in it on a few occasions. I thought they both lived there. I liked both of them as friends from my circle. One of them started being romantic with me at that house out in the yard one night, and we started an affair. Then one night right after sex he said, I feel guilty. And I said, What have you got to feel guilty about? You're not THAT small. NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. I asked why and he told me he's married with a baby!! I knew this guy AND his brother for three years, saw him out all the time, visited his retail store that he owned and hung out there alone and with others frequently. I was all up in his life and knew all his friends. He kept that wife a secret! She never once came out to see his band play (and it was only one baby and it was new so that's not why) and she never once came and helped out at his store and none of my friends apparently knew he was married either and he had a separate house, not the one I'd visited. He was not a big player either, so I don't know for sure why he kept her secret, but he did. He did divorce after he briefly dated me and moved on to someone else, but that's all I know. He claims I was the first extramarital affair. I was not happy about that. It didn't jibe with what I knew about him.

 

Guys can be very sneaky. He was living a double life and she was putting up with him leaving all the baby stuff to her and staying out ALL night many nights.

 

I have always noticed that some wild guys will purposefully find a mild wife who will look the other way and either be too dumb to notice what's going on or just be too desperate to call him on it and just let it be. But they seem more connected to their other group of friends than to her.

 

I remember the day. Also these women were perfectly content to stay home, live the quiet life and raise their kids. Often good looking, quiet women that I've seen who could clearly get better.

[ASG]

Oh preraph that reminds me of this guy I know. I've known him for years and only found out he was married because his wife got pregnant. This kid is 5 now. He keeps having gfs that end up dumping him because he's not gonna leave his wife, even though he says their relationship is over and they don't even sleep in the same room. Most recent gf broke up with him recently (I know because he becomes a FB drama queen) and then I found out his wife is preggers again so clearly their relatio ship is not that dead...

I have no idea if she knows about his affairs or if she just turns a blind eye..

[SexyPenguin]

Its awful but I could totally see myself being the wife who turns a blind eye to wandering astray as long as some love and affection is kept for me.

 

And I'm angry at myself for having to admit that. Even though in my heart of hearts I know it is true. I probably am a doormat but don't really know how to be any other way.

[SexyPenguin]

Sexy Penguin, I don't know whether to give you a big hug or hit you upside the head with a piece of 4x2. I think I'd probably do both.

 

 

I probably deserve a good beating but hug would definitely be accepted...

[VeveCakes]

Its awful but I could totally see myself being the wife who turns a blind eye to wandering astray as long as some love and affection is kept for me.

 

And I'm angry at myself for having to admit that. Even though in my heart of hearts I know it is true. I probably am a doormat but don't really know how to be any other way.

 

You might want to consider therapy to find out why you would be happy with such low standards.

[Gaeta]

I have read your whole thread and won't comment on the relationship aspect of it but I will address this:

 

he goes out and he gets trashed and drunk beyond belief and then does stupid things like drive home

 

Haven't you seen enough commercials about drinking and driving? Haven't you heard enough mothers cry the loss of their children to drunk driving? about people put in wheelchairs and injured for the rest of their life by men like your boyfriend?

 

You say you love him, you love him enough to go visit him in prison? when he'll hit an innocent passerby on his way home drunk? It's not a matter IF it will happen but a matter of WHEN it will happen.

 

Your reaction to this is giving me nausea. Did you get home safe? about you take some meds for your hang over! It's simply disgusting!! YOU are as irresponsible as he is. You endorse this criminal behavior by pampering him the following day.

 

You are both irresponsible members of society. Him for driking and driving and YOU for endorsing it!!! You both live in a lala-land completely unaware of the dramatic repercussion you will inflict on people.

 

You need to wake up ! It's not only about you! It's time for you to mature and be and responsible ADULT. If a man I date took the wheel while drunk I would terminate our relationship ON THE SPOT !!! There is no way I will give my love to a man that has no respect for LIFE of others, women, men and children!!

 

So, stop this being a child who wants her candy and start being a WOMAN, a woman member of this society that makes tough decisions!!! STOP enabling him to run the streets DRUNK!!

[SexyPenguin]

I have read your whole thread and won't comment on the relationship aspect of it but I will address this:

 

he goes out and he gets trashed and drunk beyond belief and then does stupid things like drive home

 

Haven't you seen enough commercials about drinking and driving? Haven't you heard enough mothers cry the loss of their children to drunk driving? about people put in wheelchairs and injured for the rest of their life by men like your boyfriend?

 

You say you love him, you love him enough to go visit him in prison? when he'll hit an innocent passerby on his way home drunk? It's not a matter IF it will happen but a matter of WHEN it will happen.

 

Your reaction to this is giving me nausea. Did you get home safe? about you take some meds for your hang over! It's simply disgusting!! YOU are as irresponsible as he is. You endorse this criminal behavior by pampering him the following day.

 

You are both irresponsible members of society. Him for driking and driving and YOU for endorsing it!!! You both live in a lala-land completely unaware of the dramatic repercussion you will inflict on people.

 

You need to wake up ! It's not only about you! It's time for you to mature and be and responsible ADULT. If a man I date took the wheel while drunk I would terminate our relationship ON THE SPOT !!! There is no way I will give my love to a man that has no respect for LIFE of others, women, men and children!!

 

So, stop this being a child who wants her candy and start being a WOMAN, a woman member of this society that makes tough decisions!!! STOP enabling him to run the streets DRUNK!!

To be perfectly honest, I may not like DUI, but where I am from everyone does it and I am not going to change an entire drinking culture by fighting with my boyfriend over it. If he sees everyone else around him doing it, I know I am fighting a losing battle before I even begin.

[SexyPenguin]

You might want to consider therapy to find out why you would be happy with such low standards.

Been there, done that, in no hurry back...

[Gaeta]

To be perfectly honest, I may not like DUI, but where I am from everyone does it and I am not going to change an entire drinking culture by fighting with my boyfriend over it. If he sees everyone else around him doing it, I know I am fighting a losing battle before I even begin.

 

I just fell off my chair!!!

 

You worry about peer pressure at your age??? I have never heard so much irresponsibility in one paragraph. Because everyone does it than it's ok to do it !!!

 

Your boyfriend is 26 YEARS OLD. He should be making plans for his future, he should be saving for a house and children, he should not be out clubbing around the clock and worrying about peer pressure!!!! That's for 18 years old !!

 

I don't care in what part of the world you live in, your boyfriend is an irresponsible idiot. When he hits and kill a mom of 3 then go tell her : well we live in a drinking culture.

[elaine567]

I am not sure what it is you really want here?

You seem to be perfectly happy with the status quo, despite almost all to a man and woman here telling you you are on a path to disaster and heart ache...

[sooshi]

To be perfectly honest, I may not like DUI, but where I am from everyone does it and I am not going to change an entire drinking culture by fighting with my boyfriend over it. If he sees everyone else around him doing it, I know I am fighting a losing battle before I even begin.

 

I can imagine this scenario happening.

 

Him: Honey, I drank too much last night, drove while drunk, and struck a vehicle. I killed a young man, his pregnant wife, and their two young kids.

 

You: That's nice, love!

 

:sick::mad:

[VeveCakes]

I just fell off my chair!!!

 

You worry about peer pressure at your age??? I have never heard so much irresponsibility in one paragraph. Because everyone does it than it's ok to do it !!!

 

Your boyfriend is 26 YEARS OLD. He should be making plans for his future, he should be saving for a house and children, he should not be out clubbing around the clock and worrying about peer pressure!!!! That's for 18 years old !!

 

I don't care in what part of the world you live in, your boyfriend is an irresponsible idiot. When he hits and kill a mom of 3 then go tell her : well we live in a drinking culture.

 

Yeah... I actually just lost whatever respect was lurking here for the OP. How can you seriously condone this? Because guess what, one person stopping DOES change something. You guys probably text and drive too and think it's cool...

 

Shame on you both.

[Lorenza]

It's ok cause everybody does that! Geezus, glad I'm not walking the same streets...

 

So OP's problem is that he isn't commiting DUI in her company. If you got to come along and watch him getting hammered, it would be ok then, OP? God, he got you good At this point you're so deep under his spell and will turn a blind eye to basically anything to stay with him...

 

These forums made me realize how much crap I have tolerated myself and how it looked to those watching at it from aside. Never again...

[SexyPenguin]

I am not sure what it is you really want here?

You seem to be perfectly happy with the status quo, despite almost all to a man and woman here telling you you are on a path to disaster and heart ache...

I am looking for something that I know now I won't get. A way to feel okay with this situation.

 

I know I am in denial, its the coming out of denial I am finding difficult.

 

I feel worthless that he can't see that I am worth changing for. I feel like sh*t that I have made a bad decision. I feel hurt knowing someone I love doesnt love me near as much. I feel scared knowing that I may well lose him and will either have the hurt and feelings of inadequacy of being dumped or all the regret and pain of being the dumper.

 

If I was reading this outside in, I would think I am an idiot too. But this is my real life and my real feelings and the real person I call every night and look forward to every weekend and have made plans around.

[katiegrl]

I can imagine this scenario happening.

 

Him: Honey, I drank too much last night, drove while drunk, and struck a vehicle. I killed a young man, his pregnant wife, and their two young kids.

 

You: That's nice, love!

 

:sick::mad:

 

Yup....and blaming the man, his wife and kids for not getting out of his way.

 

SMH

[SexyPenguin]

Yeah... I actually just lost whatever respect was lurking here for the OP. How can you seriously condone this? Because guess what, one person stopping DOES change something. You guys probably text and drive too and think it's cool...

 

Shame on you both.

No, I have never ever drove under the influence. I am as law abiding as they come. However I guess I am too scared of making a fuss with BF. I have said the drink driving thing to him before, I dont totally ignore it or anything and when possible I would pick him up. But if he refuses to get a taxi when I am not around then there is nothing I can do. Sure I could probably cause a right fuss over it the next day but the coward that I am I gave up on that months ago as I knew he wasnt gonna listen. Maybe that makes me guilty by association but I have already accepted my status as idiot in this relationship in the last twenty four hours or so.