preraph Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Can cheaters be reformed? Honest question. Not by you or any other partner. If they can be reformed, it would be through years of hard work and it would only work IF the reason they are like that is not simply because they want to but because they feel the need for that type of validation and attention all the time. Most just do it because they want to sample women.
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Humanity has always been this way. The majority of people are looking out for themselves in the first place. In case he's cheating, why would his friends want to risk their friendship by telling that to you? You'll be out of their lives as soon as he breaks up with you anyway, so their loyalty is not with you. You know, many years ago my mom's brother didn't even tell mom that my dad was cheating, in fear of losing his job (dad and uncle worked together at that time). So why do you count on some strangers having your back? Don't be paranoid, but don't fully trust anyone either. My ex was always going out without me, never finding time for me on weekends. "I'm a beautiful intelligent girl and he said he's never been with someone so special, why would he cheat?" i thought. My friend found him on Tinder. I still didn't have obvious proof of cheating, but decided I don't want to find out either and called it quits. We spend every weekend together, due to work and the distance (not huge but when you don't get out of work til 6pm!) and I occasionally pop down to him midweek or vice versa if I am off. The problem is more the drinking, the not wanting me out dancing with him more than the actual relationship. Sex, affection and time together is not a problem!
VeveCakes Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I think so, I would be a lot more hurt by an ongoing emotional relationship with someone than the cheap drunken thrill of tonsil hockey with a random girl... I also think the latter can be reformed whereas the former can't. who cares...they have 0 respect for you, put your health at risk and take you for granted. Girl, you deserve 1000000 times better. Seriously, just cause hes a good looking guy in sweat pants that never takes you out, doesnt mean you should throw your whole self respect out the window. 1
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Not by you or any other partner. If they can be reformed, it would be through years of hard work and it would only work IF the reason they are like that is not simply because they want to but because they feel the need for that type of validation and attention all the time. Most just do it because they want to sample women. Yeah that's what I mean, if he realised that he is better having me (or whoever) than not in a proper relationship and the thrill of cheating doesn't assist that he could want to fix it - however lng it takes. I know it would have to come from him. I understand sometimes a guy just wants to go out, get drunk and let off steam with the guys and I would be okay with that. Its the fact that sometimes we can't get drunk, dance and let off steam together!
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Yeah that's what I mean, if he realised that he is better having me (or whoever) than not in a proper relationship and the thrill of cheating doesn't assist that he could want to fix it - however lng it takes. I know it would have to come from him. I understand sometimes a guy just wants to go out, get drunk and let off steam with the guys and I would be okay with that. Its the fact that sometimes we can't get drunk, dance and let off steam together! Personally I think the guy is an immature a-hat and would have nexted him.... but since you are determined to stay and try and work this out.... have you told him what's bolded and underlined? If not, why not? 1
SwordofFlame Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I don't think it's been proven that he is cheating. Don't his friends ever wonder why you're not with him when he's out clubbing? I can understand if he only goes with his guy friends, but I think you mentioned there are girlfriends too with him.
Lorenza Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 We spend every weekend together, due to work and the distance (not huge but when you don't get out of work til 6pm!) and I occasionally pop down to him midweek or vice versa if I am off. The problem is more the drinking, the not wanting me out dancing with him more than the actual relationship. Sex, affection and time together is not a problem! Ok and that's a big one. It's actually something many people would consider a dealbreaker, despite the relationship being good in other spheres. DUI is the worst thing here, actually. I could never be with a person who is acting irresponsibly about other people's lives. How can he care about you on a deeper level if he's oblivious to putting others (and himself) in danger? Why would he appreciate you and choose not to hurt your feelings, if he's not even aware of the possible consequences of the other choices he makes in life? How can you want this person to father your children? Even if he's not cheating and indeed just has innocent fun, what he chooses to do after having that fun speaks volumes about his personality. Imo you deserve better... 2
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 I don't think it's been proven that he is cheating. Don't his friends ever wonder why you're not with him when he's out clubbing? I can understand if he only goes with his guy friends, but I think you mentioned there are girlfriends too with him. Yes actually, forgot this. Only two weeks ago, we met one of his good friends out and he said "S hasn't been out with us yet, how is that! Why don't you guys come out with us tonight?" And my BF said we had to be up early the next day so couldn't. Then the friend suggested the following night which he brushed off. Long story short, we didnt get out! He actually came up to stay with me instead of me going down one weekend as it was his best friends girlfriend's birthday and they were going clubbing and she had asked him specifically to bring me! It defies logic! The friends seem open to me coming along!
VeveCakes Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 So he specifically avoided you being there so you couldn't go with him? Hmmm....fishy fishy...
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 So he specifically avoided you being there so you couldn't go with him? Hmmm....fishy fishy... Yes! This was my original point. Its so confusing. I just can't get my head around it!
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 (edited) Yes! This was my original point. Its so confusing. I just can't get my head around it! SP, maybe you missed it but you can answer the question in post 79? Does your bf know how much it would mean to you to go with him at least sometimes? You continue acting all cool about it and letting it roll off, how is he supposed to know it bothers you? You need to communicate with him, honestly. IMO the fact you can't may be more of an issue than him going off to clubs! Edited September 26, 2016 by katiegrl
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 SP, maybe you missed it but you can answer the question in post 79? Does your bf know how much it would mean to you to go with him at least sometimes? You continue acting all cool about it and letting it roll off, how is he supposed to know it bothers you? You need to communicate with him, honestly. IMO the fact you can't may be more of an issue than him going off to clubs! I think he does, as I have said it. He said he really isn't comfortable with it. I don't say it any more as he began to get agitated about it. Just to clarify, communication isn't usually an issue and he isn't usually one to be agressive or defensive. We have discussed other things around sex and our families which would have been tense and sensitive and managed to sort it all out over a cup of tea! So he must have some reason to be afraid to have me in these clubs. Unless he is just way more paranoid than I have realised and is afraid with alcohol on board he will cause a row if other guys come near me!
SwordofFlame Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Ok just gonna throw this out there. Try to be as objective as possible, are you a lot less physically attractive than he is? Are all of his friends and their girlfriends really attractive people? And since you said you're the quiet nice girl and don't really drink. Maybe he thinks you'll just get bored? This is easily solvable though with communication.
stillafool Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Yes! This was my original point. Its so confusing. I just can't get my head around it! What are his guy friends like that he parties with? Are any of them really good looking players? Maybe there's someone there he doesn't want you to meet? Considering his friend asked why you don't come along especially when they bring their gfs is telling me they are not picking up women, at least not on those occasions.
stillafool Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 O And since you said you're the quiet nice girl and don't really drink. Maybe he thinks you'll just get bored? This is easily solvable though with communication. No, she said she is not the quiet nice girl that sits in the corner and she likes her Hennesy.
preraph Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 He's just keeping his women separated, and that's it, pure and simple. 3
VeveCakes Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 He's just keeping his women separated, and that's it, pure and simple. Exactly..Im wondering if one of them is in his social circle. 1
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Okay, will try answer ye all in one go. Am I a wild child? No. I don't get drunk, I don't sleep around. However would you have a good night in my company? Most certainly. I enjoy one or two drinks, and love dancing and having fun! His friends are attractive guys and good fun but are pretty normal. Enjoyed pulling girls in college and all but all work decent jobs and most have girlfriends who often join on the nights out! I'd say boys nights out involve a lot of drink and silly jokes! Re. Looks... hard enough to be objective on that. I don't think he is far more physically attractive than me... I think he's gorgeous but I'm biased! I am quite attractive I think (hard as it is to say that!)..
SwordofFlame Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Here's another idea. Get some of your own single (or maybe even not single) girlfriend(s) and tell him how you would all love to go clubbing together.
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Here's another idea. Get some of your own single (or maybe even not single) girlfriend(s) and tell him how you would all love to go clubbing together. As in with him or without him? He doesn't mind me going without him with my friends. He will probably be a bit nervous or paranoid but he doesn't stop it. He just won't come with!
SwordofFlame Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 As in with him or without him? He doesn't mind me going without him with my friends. He will probably be a bit nervous or paranoid but he doesn't stop it. He just won't come with! With him, basically combine both of your social circles for some nights out.
vanhalenfan Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Does he tell you which nightclub he is going to on any particular night? If not, is there a way you can somehow find out? If you can, I would go and watch from the sidelines if you can manage to hide out/be incognito. Or, send a friend to check it out........I can pretty much guarantee you know what's going on already though. Writing is on the wall. Sorry 2
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 With him, basically combine both of your social circles for some nights out. Hoping this will materialise in November. A bit off but I have extended an invite to all his friends to come up to mine and all go out together with my friends as I am doing a fundraiser for a local charity in my Dad's name and will be having a big do after. BF has kinda brushed that off and sorta said they won't be there but I am going to push for it. I am not some pathetic girl who has no brain of her own - I have to emphasise that. I like my style and I am educated. I am involved in politics and charities and I am a partner in a new Sports Injuries Clinic. I don't think I am anything he needs to be afraid to bring out - unless he is hiding something or incredibly, terribly insecure. 2
Author SexyPenguin Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Does he tell you which nightclub he is going to on any particular night? If not, is there a way you can somehow find out? If you can, I would go and watch from the sidelines if you can manage to hide out/be incognito. Or, send a friend to check it out........I can pretty much guarantee you know what's going on already though. Writing is on the wall. Sorry May send a friend or something if I am doing that. However I hate all this sneaky crap I just want him to be like "Yes I like going out with the boys and acting like a drunken numpty but next week I will be a drunkem numpty with you!"
ASG Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Why would he want to cheat though? Fast forward five years and I'm at home with his kid and doing all a good wife does - what does the girl in the club have that I don't? Assuming he does find me attractive and good company? Thrill of the chase? It's not about you. It's about him. Cheating is a lifestyle. Serial cheaters don't cheat because something is lacking in their relationship... Or rather, yes, they do... what is lacking is the chase and diversity. You can be literally the perfect gf/wife and mother. It's not gonna be enough
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