Boyfriend clubbing without me...

[Zahara]

Bringing us back to original post, I have no "real reason". He tends to say he isnt comfortable with us going to a club or dance bar type place as a couple.

 

We can go to restaurants, those grimy little old man pubs, but not a normal lounge with music and dancing and stuff that people our age might enjoy.

 

Ugh. OP, please know you deserve better. This is very sad. And I hope you wake up and open your eyes. If your little sister told you this, what would you tell her? If your best girlfriend told you this, what would you tell her?

 

Wake up. This can't be the best you think you deserve. And I believe it is, you need to work on your self-esteem. It's in the toilet.

[SexyPenguin]

I'm not convinced at all that it isn't as much him cheating on you, as him cheating on someone else with you.

 

Otherwise why is he hiding you at only grungy places. Maybe he doesn't want to run into his real girlfriend and her friends.

Nah, then all his friends and their girlfriends and all would have to be in on it and being blunt that sounds way too complex for him!

[stillafool]

 

I still don't understand what a 26 yr old guy is doing going out so much.

 

He goes out to get drunk with his buddies and dance and hit on college girls. This is his idea of fun. OP you say you don't like clubbing so do you want to go for any other reason than to just be there watching your bf get drunk and look at what he can't have? Or, do you want to go to dance, drink and have fun? He may think that he would have to babysit you in the club because he knows you don't like being there and this would ruin his fun. He may not want you to go because he is insecure and if another guy hits on you or asked you to dance which he's at the bar with his friends he will lose it. If you do want to start clubbing with him; why don't the two of you go out to a club when you go out of town this weekend and dance and have fun.

[VeveCakes]

Nah, then all his friends and their girlfriends and all would have to be in on it and being blunt that sounds way too complex for him!

 

oh, I totally thought this too!

 

Guess what...they all knew and didn't give a rats ass.

 

My ex bf was messing with 2 other girls. I spent SO much time with his friends, I thought they were my friends too.

 

Nope, they didn't care what he did as long as it didn't effect them.

 

Don't be so naive. Something is not right.

[SwordofFlame]

Nah, then all his friends and their girlfriends and all would have to be in on it and being blunt that sounds way too complex for him!

 

How well do you know his friends? And how well do his friends know you?

[SexyPenguin]

He goes out to get drunk with his buddies and dance and hit on college girls. This is his idea of fun. OP you say you don't like clubbing so do you want to go for any other reason than to just be there watching your bf get drunk and look at what he can't have? Or, do you want to go to dance, drink and have fun? He may think that he would have to babysit you in the club because he knows you don't like being there and this would ruin his fun. He may not want you to go because he is insecure and if another guy hits on you or asked you to dance which he's at the bar with his friends he will lose it. If you do want to start clubbing with him; why don't the two of you go out to a club when you go out of town this weekend and dance and have fun.

I like this idea.

 

My mother actually suggested similar. She was like "Get all dressed up and go out to a club somewhere where nobody knows you" (foreign country should work ) "And make him realise he can have fun even when you are there!"

 

If what you are trying to ask is am I a quiet nice girl who will get all needy and sit in the corner at the club then no. I can go and drink my hennessy and shake my booty the same as anyone else! Not even remotely controlling either, he can chat to his guys or other girls while I'm there and I wont flip as long as I know he is coming home with me!

 

To be honest, he is the one who would probably get all jealous and angry if a guy hit on me.

 

Mother's theory is that he is actually insecure and afraid if he brings me out he is risking losing me. Silly, as I'm very loyal but then men often think silly things!

[SexyPenguin]

How well do you know his friends? And how well do his friends know you?

I'd like to think well enough that they wouldn't facilitate him actively two timing. Especially the girlfriends.

[VeveCakes]

I like this idea.

 

My mother actually suggested similar. She was like "Get all dressed up and go out to a club somewhere where nobody knows you" (foreign country should work ����) "And make him realise he can have fun even when you are there!"

 

If what you are trying to ask is am I a quiet nice girl who will get all needy and sit in the corner at the club then no. I can go and drink my hennessy and shake my booty the same as anyone else! Not even remotely controlling either, he can chat to his guys or other girls while I'm there and I wont flip as long as I know he is coming home with me!

 

To be honest, he is the one who would probably get all jealous and angry if a guy hit on me.

 

Mother's theory is that he is actually insecure and afraid if he brings me out he is risking losing me. Silly, as I'm very loyal but then men often think silly things!

 

Any guy who loves clubbing that much and his girl would combine the two. Something is fishy....

[stillafool]

Girl, look hot and shake that bootae and have a ball!!!

[VeveCakes]

I'd like to think well enough that they wouldn't facilitate him actively two timing. Especially the girlfriends.

 

Unfortunately that is not the case...they are "his" friend and will probably cover for him...only speaking from experience.

[SexyPenguin]

Unfortunately that is not the case...they are "his" friend and will probably cover for him...only speaking from experience.

 

This forum has literally made me question humanity. :confused:

[SwordofFlame]

I'd like to think well enough that they wouldn't facilitate him actively two timing. Especially the girlfriends.

 

Really? How much time have you spent hanging out with them?

[preraph]

I'm serious.

 

For what its worth, I don't give him any major reaction when informed of this carry on. I don't go screaming and shouting and equally I dont sob and inform him how he is the love of my life and I missed him all night. The exchanges would be more as follows:

 

BF: Ugh got in so late last night, late for work my head is killing me.

Me: Drink plenty of water and be sure and take two paracetamol to get through work! Get in safe?

BF: Yeah I did... What did you do last night?

Me: Finished my book and got an early night!

BF: hahaha myself and boys were sooo drunk and we just had the best fun

Me: Thats nice love, many out? Did you hear about x on the news?

BF: Yeah I did... was dancing with Y last night, was practically throwing her around she couldnt keep up, she was out with her girls from uni.

Me: Glad you had a good night love!

 

I do try to not get too drawn into the particulars of the night.

 

That makes you his slightly inappropriate mother, not his girlfriend.

[preraph]

Right okay lets hammer out a different slant now for a sec...

 

Why cheat? If we work on the assumption that he is pulling girls on some of these nights - why? What is it that I am not doing (or what is he lacking in himself?) that is causing him to want to do it?

 

I desperately want to understand why. I wont think its okay but I genuinely cannot fathom what he would gain from it. The reminder that he still "has it"? An ego boost? I like to think I am good enough to him that he doesnt feel inadequate!

 

A man can have the most desirable perfect woman on earth (think Tiger Woods) and he will still cheat for many reasons. One of them is simple variety. It's not about you. it's about him. The other reason they cheat (Tiger Woods) is because they want constant validation they are great or whatever and find comfort in numbers.

 

And some just cheat because they can, and I would say that's the majority of cheaters.

[VeveCakes]

This forum has literally made me question humanity. :confused:

 

No kidding, it's not too late for you though.

 

I literally spent days, weeks, months with my exs friends. I would go with them to the recording studio, make them all dinner...they came to my home many times...we were all friends. I trusted them completely. They all came clean after everything unraveled. Its amazing what you will find out about peoples morals when things come to head.

[preraph]

Why would he want to cheat though?

 

Fast forward five years and I'm at home with his kid and doing all a good wife does - what does the girl in the club have that I don't? Assuming he does find me attractive and good company?

 

Well, she's not sitting at home tethered to a toddler to begin with, which is boring for most men, but that is not the point. Men cheat on near-perfect women ALL the time because they LIKE to. And they usually don't cheat with someone better -- they just cheat with someone easy to cheat with who makes it easy for them.

[SexyPenguin]

Really? How much time have you spent hanging out with them?

I have become quite close with his best friend's girlfriend and would put money on it if she was aware of something she would tell me. I am a Physical Therapist so actually treated two of his friends for a while as they had important games coming up so outside of all the times I have done things with his friends and been in their house's and they in his while I was there, I've had one on one time with a few of them! I genuinely think if he is cheating its kissing some random college girl in a club as opposed to an actual ongoing affair!

[preraph]

Sorry just loved the bit "I think I got diabetes"... never heard that one before and its such a cute way of putting it.

 

I am eldest child of three, grew up in a single parent house as my Dad died when I was a kid so maternal instincts are very strong. All I want is someone to care for and someone to value that care.

 

As I mentioned before, you are more like his parent, and now I see why. But once a couple forms a parent/child relationship, it is on its way out because it's not sexy at all and eventually if you have an ounce of reason in you, you will get tired of having this grown child betraying you right and left.

[SexyPenguin]

A man can have the most desirable perfect woman on earth (think Tiger Woods) and he will still cheat for many reasons. One of them is simple variety. It's not about you. it's about him. The other reason they cheat (Tiger Woods) is because they want constant validation they are great or whatever and find comfort in numbers.

 

And some just cheat because they can, and I would say that's the majority of cheaters.

Can cheaters be reformed? Honest question.

[preraph]

Why?

 

Because you are not the love of his life. You are not it. You are not The One. Men know if a woman fits this bill early on.

 

I dated your bf. I was 24. He went out clubing, went on " boys trips" overseas ro renound party destinations:rolleyes:

 

Do you know what he got up to? Cos you sound like you need to hear the answer.

 

Where as the other folks posting here all know what my ex got up to without me even telling them:lmao:

 

So yeah, you just need a dating overhaul. A bit of advice and guidance. I used to tolerate useless losers too.

 

Men WILL cheat on the love of their life and many do. They will cheat on anybody if they have that need or want in them.

[SexyPenguin]

That makes you his slightly inappropriate mother, not his girlfriend.

Thats a bit harsh, wanting him to be okay is not just for his mother to do. I also want to sleep with him and for him to find me sexy as well as wanting him to be happy and safe! That will not change no matter who I go out with. If wanting the best for a guy and wanting him home safe makes me motherly then I am destined to be cheated on no matter where I go or whom I date!

[VeveCakes]

I have become quite close with his best friend's girlfriend and would put money on it if she was aware of something she would tell me. I am a Physical Therapist so actually treated two of his friends for a while as they had important games coming up so outside of all the times I have done things with his friends and been in their house's and they in his while I was there, I've had one on one time with a few of them! I genuinely think if he is cheating its kissing some random college girl in a club as opposed to an actual ongoing affair!

 

Is one better than the other?

 

Im telling you you could think the person was your new best friend and they would cover it up for him. Not saying that is what is happening, but it is entirely possible and happens every day!

 

I think a little action needs to be taken. Show up unexpectedly during the week, dress sexy. Say I thought it would be fun to surprise you for a night out dancing, you and I. See what he says....if he will do it. If he can't give you one night out...how do you expect him to give you anything you desire in the future.

 

Im guessing your screen name is from HIMYM? I know you believe in love then....this aint love.

[Lorenza]

This forum has literally made me question humanity. :confused:

 

Humanity has always been this way. The majority of people are looking out for themselves in the first place. In case he's cheating, why would his friends want to risk their friendship by telling that to you? You'll be out of their lives as soon as he breaks up with you anyway, so their loyalty is not with you.

 

You know, many years ago my mom's brother didn't even tell mom that my dad was cheating, in fear of losing his job (dad and uncle worked together at that time).

 

So why do you count on some strangers having your back?

 

Don't be paranoid, but don't fully trust anyone either.

 

My ex was always going out without me, never finding time for me on weekends. "I'm a beautiful intelligent girl and he said he's never been with someone so special, why would he cheat?" i thought. My friend found him on Tinder. I still didn't have obvious proof of cheating, but decided I don't want to find out either and called it quits.

[preraph]

This sounds really sad... but I just really wish I was The One for him.

 

It's not about that. Men certainly will cheat on "the one." I mean married men cheat all the time, and they all thought they were marrying "the one."

[SexyPenguin]

Is one better than the other?

 

Im telling you you could think the person was your new best friend and they would cover it up for him. Not saying that is what is happening, but it is entirely possible and happens every day!

 

I think a little action needs to be taken. Show up unexpectedly during the week, dress sexy. Say I thought it would be fun to surprise you for a night out dancing, you and I. See what he says....if he will do it. If he can't give you one night out...how do you expect him to give you anything you desire in the future.

 

Im guessing your screen name is from HIMYM? I know you believe in love then....this aint love.

I think so, I would be a lot more hurt by an ongoing emotional relationship with someone than the cheap drunken thrill of tonsil hockey with a random girl... I also think the latter can be reformed whereas the former can't.