Boyfriend clubbing without me...

[preraph]

What man wouldn't want to marry and have kids with a nice woman who was willing to let him be a slob all the time when he's with her and willing to look the other way if he picks up other women at clubs? This is every man's ideal, find someone mild enough to look the other way so he doesn't have to change anything much when he marries and has kids.

 

Does he wear sweats to the club? I bet not.

[SexyPenguin]

:-(

 

That is it all summed up for me right now really. To say confidence is on the floor is an understatement.

[VeveCakes]

This guy can't even put on proper pants for you. Sorry but your boyfriend should have you on his arm showing you off on a night out on the town. I would bet my life there is another girl or regular girls he sees out that he doesn't want to know he has a girlfriend. My advice would be to go out a nice he is going out....don't tell him, observe in the distance. But that's me..I like knowing whats happening.

 

Everything about him screams not relationship material, I don't care how good looking or fake nice he can be. Just remember he only needs to act like the perfect boyfriend 3 days a week.

 

For what it's worth, I thought I had the best man ever. He treated me like a queen, I thought I died and went to heaven....until I found out he was cheating and sleeping with prostitutes....then attacked me when I confronted him. The point is people can put on quite the show to keep their fingers in the pie.

 

He is showing you who is plain is day - you just aren't willing to see it.

[SexyPenguin]

Is it normal to be scared of losing him though? Despite all?

[Leigh 87]

Are you serious?

 

Clubbing strictly without his gf?

 

Telling you he danced with another girl?

 

Dressing up for the club yet not bothering to take u for dates, in favour of bumming in sweat pants every weekend he spends with you?

 

You are acting like a woman with no options, dear.

[RaiderII]

Is it normal to be scared of losing him though? Despite all?

 

You said 'I could see some sense or find some understanding around this whole clubbing and going dancing without your girl and if he could rein in the drinking I wouldn't give up on him in a hurry'

 

That's one of the saddest things I've read. See some sense? You have seen sense in the short time you've posted here, when you say 'see sense' now you actually mean 'delude myself'. You don't need to 'find understanding' about what he's doing here. You understand it full well. If you were coming here saying oh my boyfriend goes out once per month with the guys, I don't go cos it's a guy's night, he always comes home to me and he's never cheated on anyone so I have no reason to doubt him... everyone would be saying you should cut him some slack. But literally everything you've told us reads like a case study in how much crap he can get you to put up with without you cracking and dumping him.

 

It's totally normal to be afraid of losing someone when you still love them. But you need more than love. You need trust and respect too, and you and he have neither of those. The problem is, right now he knows he can do and say whatever he wants and you'll stick around, there's no incentive to not do this crappy behaviour because you love him so much you'll tolerate it. When does it end? When he confirms that he's cheated on you? Gives you an STI? You're married and pregnant and he's still going on these guy's nights? You get a call from the police because he's in hospital having crashed, killed someone and hurt himself? You are sticking to him cos you believe he's so special and amazing but there are literally probably a hundred guys within a twenty mile radius of your house who would act a hell of a lot better and treat you so much better than this.

 

From your avatar pic (and if I were you I'd change it, as it's pretty clear and if anyone knows you in real life they'll easily identify you from it... also the site is crawling with internet 'spiders' or whatever they're called that pick up text and photos and you can never remove them from being linked to this site) you seem like a stunning girl and you're clearly very sweet natured, and committed. Don't you want better for yourself?

[VeveCakes]

Is it normal to be scared of losing him though? Despite all?

 

Yes, but you need to realize you deserve better, A LOT better.

[rester]

Whenever he has a night I am not around though he goes out and he gets trashed and drunk beyond belief and then does stupid things like drive home.

 

Didn't read the thread. ^^This alone makes him a vile human being.

[SexyPenguin]

Are you serious?

 

Clubbing strictly without his gf?

 

Telling you he danced with another girl?

 

Dressing up for the club yet not bothering to take u for dates, in favour of bumming in sweat pants every weekend he spends with you?

 

You are acting like a woman with no options, dear.

I'm serious.

 

For what its worth, I don't give him any major reaction when informed of this carry on. I don't go screaming and shouting and equally I dont sob and inform him how he is the love of my life and I missed him all night. The exchanges would be more as follows:

 

BF: Ugh got in so late last night, late for work my head is killing me.

Me: Drink plenty of water and be sure and take two paracetamol to get through work! Get in safe?

BF: Yeah I did... What did you do last night?

Me: Finished my book and got an early night!

BF: hahaha myself and boys were sooo drunk and we just had the best fun

Me: Thats nice love, many out? Did you hear about x on the news?

BF: Yeah I did... was dancing with Y last night, was practically throwing her around she couldnt keep up, she was out with her girls from uni.

Me: Glad you had a good night love!

 

I do try to not get too drawn into the particulars of the night.

[ASG]

I'm the first person to say that partners have the right to go out without their SOs. However the fact that he only goes out without you is not ok.

 

The horse has been beaten to death and then beaten some more.

As an anecdote, I know several serial cheaters who have gfs and love them... but they cheat on the on a daily basis and they are too mild to say anything and look the other way. These guys end up marrying these girls and having kids, all the while continuing pulling girls everywhere.

Love has nothing to do with it.

[VeveCakes]

I'm serious.

 

For what its worth, I don't give him any major reaction when informed of this carry on. I don't go screaming and shouting and equally I dont sob and inform him how he is the love of my life and I missed him all night. The exchanges would be more as follows:

 

BF: Ugh got in so late last night, late for work my head is killing me.

Me: Drink plenty of water and be sure and take two paracetamol to get through work! Get in safe?

BF: Yeah I did... What did you do last night?

Me: Finished my book and got an early night!

BF: hahaha myself and boys were sooo drunk and we just had the best fun

Me: Thats nice love, many out? Did you hear about x on the news?

BF: Yeah I did... was dancing with Y last night, was practically throwing her around she couldnt keep up, she was out with her girls from uni.

Me: Glad you had a good night love!

 

I do try to not get too drawn into the particulars of the night.

 

I hate to say this...but doesn't make you a nice girlfriend...it makes you a doormat. He is telling you he was throwing a girl around and she was out with her friends from uni....but yet you can never accompany him out?

 

I still don't understand what a 26 yr old guy is doing going out so much.

[SexyPenguin]

Right okay lets hammer out a different slant now for a sec...

 

Why cheat? If we work on the assumption that he is pulling girls on some of these nights - why? What is it that I am not doing (or what is he lacking in himself?) that is causing him to want to do it?

 

I desperately want to understand why. I wont think its okay but I genuinely cannot fathom what he would gain from it. The reminder that he still "has it"? An ego boost? I like to think I am good enough to him that he doesnt feel inadequate!

[SexyPenguin]

I hate to say this...but doesn't make you a nice girlfriend...it makes you a doormat. He is telling you he was throwing a girl around and she was out with her friends from uni....but yet you can never accompany him out?

 

I still don't understand what a 26 yr old guy is doing going out so much.

I don't understand either!

 

To explain my logic, I dont do it to be a doormat per se, its more I don't want to give the satisfaction of my jealousy at something that may or may not be even totally factual and is more than likely exaggerated!

[VeveCakes]

Right okay lets hammer out a different slant now for a sec...

 

Why cheat? If we work on the assumption that he is pulling girls on some of these nights - why? What is it that I am not doing (or what is he lacking in himself?) that is causing him to want to do it?

 

I desperately want to understand why. I wont think its okay but I genuinely cannot fathom what he would gain from it. The reminder that he still "has it"? An ego boost? I like to think I am good enough to him that he doesnt feel inadequate!

 

I don't understand either!

 

To explain my logic, I dont do it to be a doormat per se, its more I don't want to give the satisfaction of my jealousy at something that may or may not be even totally factual and is more than likely exaggerated!

 

First of all cheaters don't cheat because of what YOU are doing, they do it because of what THEY are lacking. Not your fault. Could be anything. Ego boost, show off in front of friends, sex addict...drunken idiot...who knows

 

What the hell kind of boyfriend would go out their way to make their girlfriend jealous. Your boyfriend should make you feel loved and secure. Not crazy and jealous.

[SexyPenguin]

I'm the first person to say that partners have the right to go out without their SOs. However the fact that he only goes out without you is not ok.

 

The horse has been beaten to death and then beaten some more.

As an anecdote, I know several serial cheaters who have gfs and love them... but they cheat on the on a daily basis and they are too mild to say anything and look the other way. These guys end up marrying these girls and having kids, all the while continuing pulling girls everywhere.

Love has nothing to do with it.

Why would he want to cheat though?

 

Fast forward five years and I'm at home with his kid and doing all a good wife does - what does the girl in the club have that I don't? Assuming he does find me attractive and good company?

[Lorenza]

I'm serious.

 

For what its worth, I don't give him any major reaction when informed of this carry on. I don't go screaming and shouting and equally I dont sob and inform him how he is the love of my life and I missed him all night. The exchanges would be more as follows:

 

BF: Ugh got in so late last night, late for work my head is killing me.

Me: Drink plenty of water and be sure and take two paracetamol to get through work! Get in safe?

BF: Yeah I did... What did you do last night?

Me: Finished my book and got an early night!

BF: hahaha myself and boys were sooo drunk and we just had the best fun

Me: Thats nice love, many out? Did you hear about x on the news?

BF: Yeah I did... was dancing with Y last night, was practically throwing her around she couldnt keep up, she was out with her girls from uni.

Me: Glad you had a good night love!

 

I do try to not get too drawn into the particulars of the night.

 

 

I think I got diabetes reading this conversation. You're so sweet, supportive and kind to that chump... at your own expense! Don't be a doormat for him. Yes, you're intoxicated by him, but you're literally allowing him to severely disrespect you with your almost angelic patience and understanding.

 

You should be kind and understanding to one person first - yourself.

[SexyPenguin]

First of all cheaters don't cheat because of what YOU are doing, they do it because of what THEY are lacking. Not your fault. Could be anything. Ego boost, show off in front of friends, sex addict...drunken idiot...who knows

 

What the hell kind of boyfriend would go out their way to make their girlfriend jealous. Your boyfriend should make you feel loved and secure. Not crazy and jealous.

Insecurity on his behalf?

 

Wants verification that I *would* be jealous if he was with someone else. Stupid maybe as obviously I care and want his loyalty but thats as good an answer I could find.

 

Knowing the guy, he does have his own insecurities behind the mask of being the big man.

[SexyPenguin]

I think I got diabetes reading this conversation. You're so sweet, supportive and kind to that chump... at your own expense! Don't be a doormat for him. Yes, you're intoxicated by him, but you're literally allowing him to severely disrespect you with your almost angelic patience and understanding.

 

You should be kind and understanding to one person first - yourself.

Sorry just loved the bit "I think I got diabetes"... never heard that one before and its such a cute way of putting it.

 

I am eldest child of three, grew up in a single parent house as my Dad died when I was a kid so maternal instincts are very strong. All I want is someone to care for and someone to value that care.

[VeveCakes]

Why would he want to cheat though?

 

Fast forward five years and I'm at home with his kid and doing all a good wife does - what does the girl in the club have that I don't? Assuming he does find me attractive and good company?

 

It doesn't matter how perfect a man or woman is, it is not what you are doing that makes the man cheat!

 

Only he knows why he does it if he does.

 

He may not even be cheating. At the very least he is being a completely disrespectful pig and that is just as bad. Why do not demand better? I mean what is his actual reason you can't go out with him....

[SexyPenguin]

Sorry just loved the bit "I think I got diabetes"... never heard that one before and its such a cute way of putting it.

 

I am eldest child of three, grew up in a single parent house as my Dad died when I was a kid so maternal instincts are very strong. All I want is someone to care for and someone to value that care.

BF did tell me a long, ĺong time ago like when we started dating that he gets jealous and paranoid with a lot of alcohol. Could that be a factor?

 

I distinctly remember simply suggesting "drink less" but that must have fell on deaf ears...

[Leigh 87]

Right okay lets hammer out a different slant now for a sec...

 

Why cheat? If we work on the assumption that he is pulling girls on some of these nights - why? What is it that I am not doing (or what is he lacking in himself?) that is causing him to want to do it?

 

I desperately want to understand why. I wont think its okay but I genuinely cannot fathom what he would gain from it. The reminder that he still "has it"? An ego boost? I like to think I am good enough to him that he doesnt feel inadequate!

 

Why?

 

Because you are not the love of his life. You are not it. You are not The One. Men know if a woman fits this bill early on.

 

I dated your bf. I was 24. He went out clubing, went on " boys trips" overseas ro renound party destinations:rolleyes:

 

Do you know what he got up to? Cos you sound like you need to hear the answer.

 

Where as the other folks posting here all know what my ex got up to without me even telling them:lmao:

 

So yeah, you just need a dating overhaul. A bit of advice and guidance. I used to tolerate useless losers too.

[SexyPenguin]

It doesn't matter how perfect a man or woman is, it is not what you are doing that makes the man cheat!

 

Only he knows why he does it if he does.

 

He may not even be cheating. At the very least he is being a completely disrespectful pig and that is just as bad. Why do not demand better? I mean what is his actual reason you can't go out with him....

Bringing us back to original post, I have no "real reason". He tends to say he isnt comfortable with us going to a club or dance bar type place as a couple.

 

We can go to restaurants, those grimy little old man pubs, but not a normal lounge with music and dancing and stuff that people our age might enjoy.

[SexyPenguin]

Why?

 

Because you are not the love of his life. You are not it. You are not The One. Men know if a woman fits this bill early on.

 

 

This sounds really sad... but I just really wish I was The One for him.

[kendahke]

Is he "unfixable"?

 

 

Does he even want to be fixed?

 

Find that out, first, before wasting your time with it.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not convinced at all that it isn't as much him cheating on you, as him cheating on someone else with you.

 

Otherwise why is he hiding you at only grungy places. Maybe he doesn't want to run into his real girlfriend and her friends.