noukster Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Hi Everyone. A few things you should know about my boyfriend is that he is really sweet, but he has a bit of a temper and can get pretty stressed. At his home.. his parents are quite verbally abusive when they are in a fight. He is used to this and sees this as a normal way of fighting. Examples of this are: walking away, sending someone away, throwing someone's stuff, calling someone names, etc. etc. When he is in that temper, he can say things like "Im done with this", "Ive had it", etc. and really mean it. Last night we had a fight about something really pointless. We were going to the gym and all of a sudden he turned the car around and started yelling at me and basically making me feel really bad on purpose. The entire ride home I didn't say anything and couldn't say anything either, because he would tell me to shut up or that he doesn't care about what I have to say. When we got home he took his house key of my keychain and started grabbing all of my stuff. I started crying, because it literally hurt in my stomach. The way he was behaving made me feel so stressful. 3 hours of me crying, him ignoring me, having talks, etc. He said he didn't want to break up with me, but that he didn't want these pointless fights anymore. He apologized for his behavior and all the things he said. I was happy. But now the next morning, Im reflecting on this and feel like crap actually. Maybe it would have been better if we did really break up? I feel like this temper is not ever going to go away. I love him and we are having a great time.. its just that we cant have small fights, because they always turn in to huge fights because he blows them up by calling me names and refusing to listen to me. He always apologizes after, but.. it would be better if he changed his behavior.
smudge21 Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 He apologises when he feels bad, but never when you feel bad. By that I mean, he's not saying sorry for you but for him. If he was truly sorry for his actions then he would do whatever he could to try to get help to stop acting like this. As you say, it comes from his home life, so surely he realises that this is something that needs dealing with. Sadly he won't if you keep accepting his apologies and letting it all continue. You need to have a serious think about whether this is what you expect or demand from a long term loving relationship... it's definitely not how I'd treat someone I love.
Miss Peach Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 If you want to find my post in here, I just went through something sort of similar. My XBF wasn't verbally abusive like that but he would throw tantrums and try to get a reaction from me. Even though I really loved and cared about him, I know that's not the way for a healthy relationship so I had to move on. I had an ex who used to sound a lot like your BF. I stayed with him for 9 years. FWIW it never got better. I had that feeling in your stomach. It was what I needed to stop sweeping that behavior under the rug and get out.
mikeylo Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 It would be a perfect world if we could change people. But we can't. We can only tell them what we like or don't like, what bothers etc. To change or not , is their choice. This will get worse, probably turn into physical abuse.
preraph Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Of course you should break up! He's abusive. Apologizing does NOT cancel out the abuse. They ALL apologize and then just keep right on doing it. What if you had a kid? You'd be bringing a kid into a lifetime of abuse. Get out.
loveisanaction3 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Hi noukster, this is verbal and emotional abuse and you shouldn't have to live this way. You need to try to break this negative cycle. Try to find a counsellor that understands relational conflict and the dynamics of abuse, power and control, and see them by yourself to help you with options. You can also look for a trusted person like a pastor or good friend or a community center that deals with domestic abuse issues. Domestic abuse is almost always a technique for gaining and maintaining control. I know you want to help him and make it work. If you stay and accept what he is doing you are just enabling and supporting his behaviour. Get help from a professional for yourself and options for what you can do to help him. Praying for you.
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Of course you should break up! He's abusive. Apologizing does NOT cancel out the abuse. They ALL apologize and then just keep right on doing it. What if you had a kid? You'd be bringing a kid into a lifetime of abuse. Get out. Abusers don't actually ALL apologise, some do not ever feel they have done anything wrong to apologise for....
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