asdfsyn Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 (edited) Hello everyone, I wish I were here for other reasons! I'm hoping for some experienced advice for my broken relationship. I think the best way to get accurate advice would be to explain in as much detail as possible so here goes... Me and my gf have been in a relationship for 5 years. I think we only spent a hand full of days not hanging out in a span of 5 years. We are now on our 3rd day of being separated. It is a really painful time for me. The first few years I feel we were getting closer and closer together, we really became best friends. We played video games together, we worked out together, we did everything together. She constantly wanted to be by my side and I was okay with that! At this point she would hint to get married... this was more a fear of commitment on my end. She was always hinting at that we are basically already married. My nephew would call her by my last name, and I could see the sparkle in her eye. Now when I think about these moments, I cringe. I do feel like I we could live the rest of our lives together. Around the 3rd year of our relationship we hit a road bump, involving cancer of a family member. To make a long story short, we ended up moving to another town. During this time we were both under a huge amount of stress... Between the family situation and I also started some contracting work! So this required me to spend less time with her in order to survive really since we had to have money! Over a time period of a month, I could see her start to get really insecure, questioning everything... including whether or not I cared more about my work than her. Really, I do feel we could have handled either one of these problems individually, but not both at the same time. We got in a big fight resulting in her leaving for the night. I believe this was the first true problem in our seemingly perfect love. She cried so hard. At the time, I blamed her for not supporting me while I try to work for US. After this she did what I would think to be the typical insecure girl move... she got flirty with a guy at her college. Whether that is totally true or not I dont know since she is the one that told me later. We had a couple days of arguing before we found peace. She agreed to try to be more supportive and not take it as if I dont care about her. I made my money and she got a job and we moved another place. At this place we ran in to some financial problems as my job was not making much money at the time. This put us under a lot of stress and I do not believe we fully recovered from our previous big fight. We were in a phase of trying to rebuild and money became a huge issue. At this point, I was at a low point, my job that I worked so hard at was not producing money. I really started not reacting to things in a unreasonable way... For example, if she showed any sign of insecurity about me working to much I would get mad at her and just flat out tell her that she was being insecure (totally not the way to deal a person in a insecure moment). I would then tell her that once I finish this project we will spend more time. She waited around for months and I never fully completed the project. This took a tole on us. One day out of the blue she said that she wanted to get away for a while as she felt like I wasn't wanting to be with her, and again... That I dont care much about our relationship and more about my work and her supporting me. I love this girl, but at this time we were young and I needed to create a good/secure income or else... She spent a couple days away (which made me feel similar to how I feel now.) I cried, I couldn't sleep, I woke up looking around for her... After 2-3 days we ended up hashing everything out. We agreed that we did have financial issues, but we still loved each other. I also told her that I was super motivated now because I realize what I could ultimately lose... her. She cried, I cried, we held each other all night. Things felt fresh. I felt amazing. A couple days later and everything is going great until I get a phone call early in the morning... My nephew (that is loved as a little brother to both me and my gf) is in foster care and is in need of an emergency home. Having the responsibility of a teenage child in your early 20s? Ouch! But we both decided to make the most of it and we took him in. We became a small family over the course of 3 months. Money is still tight at this point. We ended up moving to another place to accommodate my nephew/foster child. I then get a new job that makes good money, doing the same profession that I've been working towards except no contracting, now I was on salary since I needed to support my nephew. At this point things are going better... We seemed to be on an up, which was a change since the last year or so had been so rough! The job is actually amazing... but me starting out I was on a kind of internship program, so they were testing my abilities on how much work I could get done. I couldnt let this opportunity pass me by so I began the work grind again... long nights, early mornings... me and my gfs relationship turned into chatting on my lunches and spending an hour hanging out at night. Again, I felt I was stepping up, for THEM. They truly motivated me to work this hard, I was not being selfish. But she did start to fall back into thinking that how much I work will be forever... And that her lifestyle will be going to work and cleaning without much affection. Here is when things get tragic and its really hard for me to even type without tearing up.... I spent 2 months grinding on my work. In my mind was tackling this opportunity and support my little family. One day my boss tells me I got the job and I will be getting a raise! I immediately write my GF and ask her to have lunch with me. During this lunch I could sense something wasnt right... She kept looking down and to the side but wasnt excited like I had expected her to be. This is what we were working for right? Now we are comfortable and now that I know I had the job I can ease off and shoot for a more balanced lifestyle... She then tells me what turned from a great day to a nightmare... She put in her two weeks notice for her work 2 days earlier and was going to move approximately an hour away with some family. It seemed she already emotionally decided that she was going to break up. She had already arranged things 2 days prior to that. She then told me that I was too focused on my work for a relationship and that she wanted to focus on the things she wanted to do and that taking care of a kid at her age was too much. She felt she was too young to be taking this on and overall the relationship wasnt something she wanted to try anymore because she felt that she would keep getting hurt. At this point, I bursted into tears... I became desperate. This long journey slips away from me at the very end? I was so upset because I KNOW with some time, and now with money, we would be able to fall back in love like we once did and she would totally not be in a state of mind of splitting. I tried to hold her and pushed me away. I was really breaking. I tried again and she said she was going to leave today. I began to beg. She looked at me and said the words "I dont want to marry you anymore". I fell to my knees in sadness and let her leave. I was so hurt. I felt so unmotivated to move, let alone anything else like working hard. I knew that when she did come back for her stuff (atleast) I would not beg for her, I would not try to hold her, I would give her space. I would respect her decision even though it felt like it was killing me. I felt it was the only way to move forward, whatever forward was going to be. She ended up driving to work and we kept the conversation at a friendly level, i could tell we both almost started crying at certain points. At the end of the ride I told her how I respect her decision and if she wants to grow and experience other things, that is ok. I did say that I did not believe we were hopeless though and that it was her decision to do this. She came back later that evening trying to put a smile on and act casual. She seemed really calm considering everything (maybe a girl thing at the beginning of a breakup). I let her go with a small friendly hug. Later that night we wrote very basic things, as normal friends would but I only gave her short responses. I then fell alseep. When I woke up around 6 am, I read my text message and had a message at 3 am saying, "Are you feeling like I am? I know I shouldn't be writing you. I feel so nauseous". Knowing she would be there later that day I did not reply. I felt I did enough expressing that I still wanted this relationship. Why the message? She came back to my house and was acting slightly different. She looked as if she was vulnerable. She told me how she had a really rough day and that she couldn't really eat anything. I started talking to her casually and I noticed that she was feeling insecure, and was in need of my attention. She started looking at me and flipping her hair like most girls do. She started walking in front of me and bending over to pick up random things as if she wanted me to look at her in a sexual way... I did want to pursue her but really was afraid of rejection, I felt it was time to play hard to get... she was the one leaving, not me. So she then left... it looks as though she wanted a hug but I did not acknowledge that. She left with a quiet, "bye". The next morning I woke up to check my facebook and hers was still logged in (Yes, I promise I did not login). She had a message from that night of a guy giving her his phone number. I'm guessing she went out with some friends and got flirty. Obviously seeing this hurt. What I take from this is that she was getting insecure and received no messages from me, so she tried to cope with the situation by talking to another guy. I kind of understand if she DID feel like I did, it's a horrible feeling. I see this only as a way to try and forget and avoid her heart. I want to be with her still. I can make her happy and not so insecure if I spend time with her the right way... I do believe our rough sequence of events led us to this. I want to figure out a way to mend our relationship. I feel nobody will understand each other like we do. We have invested so much love into one another and made it through so much. Now I do not know where to go from here. Should I do the good ole' NC? My only fear with NC is that her insecurity will run her into a negative situation on both ends and it will force her to forget us. Also, we did agree on her borrowing the car for a while or atleast until she can get on her feet. This means we will eventually atleast casually see each other. we both planned to start doing mixed martial arts together... we were both super pumped about doing it but because of my nephew coming into the situation we never quite got the time. Is this activity something I should focus on doing? I mean, I feel like it would be great for my mind and body.. as well as possible ignite some memories on her end if she were to know that I was doing it. Should I write her anything specific? It did seem that being okay with her decision instantly made her start to feel insecure. How can this play into what I should do? Should I continue to show be short with her? One of the things we never got to do was get a house with a fenced in yard... she REALLY wanted one so we could have a dog. I mentioned that I was going to get a house when she leaves and she seemed to get really nervous (started biting her nails). I know it's something she really wants. She is also deeply in love with our other animals that will be staying with me. It seems like pushing to get a house ASAP would be a very smart thing to do if I would like to spark something! Should I post a facebook status with something not directed towards her but telling everyone on my facebook something like "Life is a bumpy road. One minute everything made sense but now I have lost my girl and best friend. Looking to learn from this situation and move on." Something along those lines. I was thinking this would possibly make her feel somewhat special being that I never posted things about her on facebook (one of the things I do regret because I can tell she feels loved when I do ). She is also jealous of some of my friends so she might see this as I care for her but also other people know we are not together now? Will this work against the reverse psychology effect of NC? Should I start dating and post pictures? I know this would greatly impact her. Though she did say during our last fight that she could imagine me being with someone else. Could she be testing me? I dont know. I have an old blanket of hers that is really important to her (it was my fault). It got torn up by a dog and she was really sad about it. At some point, when the timing is right, I would like to give this back to her when its sown up. Opinions? When is good timing? Things I feel I need to fix: -Me and my gf had problems with her family, they said some really hurtful things to both of us. We both decided to not talk to them for a while. She began missing them and I refused to communicate with them. But this really is up to her and I want to tell her that I would like to give some of her family members another try. -Dedicate a certain amount of time to give her attention and make her feel special. -Be more public with our relationship (helps her not feel so insecure). When I dont I see that she feels like I'm embarrassed of her. Also, I would love to post what happens day by day... Maybe this could serve as therapy for me also... I feel much better just after writing this post. I'm sure my emotions will creep back up on me though! Fast replies would be muchhhh appreciated!! I would really love some advice asap as she will be coming back to get her stuff within the next few hours!! Anyways, thanks for reading.... and post if you want more details! This topic is so important to me! ****** UPDATES ****** //update 1 She wrote me that she doesnt want to stop by today because she is going to anxious just by seeing me. She said today was a really hard day. She also says she cried for an hour after she left yesterday. She would prefer to come tomorrow. She offered to take me and nephew to our appointments. Summary 1: Maybe she is planning to hangout with that guy again to try to get over me? Maybe she really is scared to see me as she is starting to get insecure? Edited September 26, 2016 by asdfsyn
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