Have I turned the tables?

[Bellona]

Hey all,

Situation recap: I dated a guy for 7 months. He’s leaving for grad school and doesn’t want to do a LDR, but he wants to stay in touch and visit and see how things go between us; he doesn’t want to rule out not being together in the future. He left last month for a summer class and will be coming back next month for a while before moving back for the regular school year.

 

This is what confounds me:

He has written me everyday he has been away, we talk on the Internet when he catches me on, we talk on the phone for hours and he tells me to call him more often. This week, he started telling me that he misses me and kept saying, “I wish you were here…I wish I could show you this….I saw someone who reminded me of you…I’m jealous of other guys who have been hitting on you…when I come home we’ll…” Conversation isn’t strained between us at all. He always seems eager to talk to me.

 

He stresses that he really looks forward to seeing me next month. He initiated a relationship discussion yesterday, wondering if how we talk (if we’re flirtatious) is okay—he doesn’t want anything to mess with our heads. He reassured me that his feelings haven’t changed and he still thinks about me all the time, but we’re “in an inconvenient spot.” He says that he wants to keep things open and wants to see me next month.

 

This distance is definitely a test. He seems much more vulnerable than he ever has been with me, and I’ve kept my cool remarkably well. Should I visit him before next month if he misses me? He seems to keep throwing a ton of hints my way, but I’m scared to ask. Is there any chance that I’ve turned the tables and he’ll miss me enough to realize, when he sees me next month or before then, to give things a go? How should I play this game???

[Opium]

Is there any chance that I’ve turned the tables and he’ll miss me enough to realize, when he sees me next month or before then, to give things a go? How should I play this game???

 

You need to sit back and think, is this something I want. Are you going to be able to stand the distance, not being able to kiss, hug or even make love to him?? If you are ok with the physical aspect missing from your relationship and feel your emotions are strong and can get through this, I say give it a go.

 

You have to understand whether it's a LDR or a 'normal' relationship it's hard work. You need to do your best to keep him close to your heart while he's away. I can understand why he wouldn't want to deal with the LDR, maybe he wants to keep his options open without hurting you. If you're not together he won't have his conscious hanging on him for 'cheating' on you or doing something to hurt you. I'm not saying he will cheat, not all men/woman are the same, some are actually faithful, but you need to keep that in mind.

 

I would give it time and see what happens. He just left and he hasn't gotten into his routine so to speak. His missing you of course but he hasn't started his own life yet alone either. Give it time and go with the flow, don't rush or make anything happen, just LET it be.

[millefiori]

I think in order to keep this guy you will have to continue playing your game till he decides to ask you for a committed relationship. I'll warn you though, I don't think he's ready to settle down yet. He may really like you, but it's doubtful that he will give you the kind of relationship that you want. He's too much interested in exploring life and discovering what's outside. If he was a boring dude who wanted to stay in his familiar environment with a regular nice relationship, he wouldn't have left for school. It's not about you, it's about his character.

 

And remember, even if he asks you for a committed relationship, don't feel secure, because he might very likely change it again. He had doubts in the beginning and he will have doubt during the relationship again. Some people want to commit and others don't, no matter what they say. I think relationships are not about feeling the love, it's about the willingness to commit to someone.

 

Long-distance relationships are difficult, because if you really miss someone, you will have a hard time facing the pain of not seeing your partner. Sometimes it's too much for people and they prefer to let it become a dull feeling somewhere deep inside, which only works when they try to ignore their feelings for their partner till they have convinced themselves that they are not what they want. Or the feelings were not that deep and then they will fade even quicker with the distance inbetween.

[Bellona]

I have friends who have been in this situation, but they made it work. This guy was burned by an LDR before, and he thinks they're painful. They can be--but I plan on moving (not exactly to his city, though) and will be closer than we are now. We've talked about what would happen if we feel the same way a few months down the road...and it is agreed that we'll seize an opportunity for me to move.

 

I am willing to endure distance--my emotions are strong enough. I haven't been swayed at all by the other guys who have asked me out recently. Besides, I'm not emotionally ready to move on just yet--and my guy doesn't sound like he is, either. Right after I posted my question here I got an e-mail from him commenting on our phone conversation last night and how much he misses me (again). I've spoken with him this afternoon, too.

 

He makes it a point to talk to me at least once a day--I don't know if I'd consider it just keeping tabs on me. I don't want to move on if all that is required is a little patience for Mr. Stubborn to realize some things. I'm still workin' on me in the meantime, so I'm not just sitting and pining away. He knows that, too.

 

I think it is a commitment problem on his part. He feels like it's either school or relationship instead of both. I don't understand why, if he says we're compatible in every way, he won't at least give it a shot. I think I need to be brutally upfront next month about what I want and if he can't decide if he can deliver that--then I have to cut ties for a while to find someone who will.

 

Time will tell, I guess. Distance can either make his heart grow fonder, realizing I'm what he wants at all costs, or I'll fade into oblivion taking what might have been along with it. Damn these circumstances.

[millefiori]

If you're really the kind of person he wants to be with, he will know that it will require a lot of emotional strength on his part, a lot of energy that he doesn't want to see "wasted" and instead could be invested in his education. I don't think that people like him will want to be in long-distance relationships with intensive feelings. If you were someone that he only liked, then yes, but I think his feelings for you go deeper and that's why he's hesitating.

 

I've spent quite a long time wondering about similar problems and I did not come up with any solution. Just nothing.

[Bellona]

Our relationship is a lot different from the ones he has been in before. We share more of the same interests and views, so getting along has always been easy. And, we're both ambitious. Intellectual things are a base with us. It has never been purely physical, although we are both feeling the strain of being apart in that way and have talked about that.

 

Perhaps he is hesitating because his feelings run a bit deeper than with flings. He had already applied to schools when we met and our relationship evolved much further/faster than we thought it would. He always tells me how special I make him feel, and he is glad he met me.

 

He didn't want to do no contact. He doesn't want to not be able to speak with me. I admit, it would be hard not to talk with someone after talking to them everyday for months. There definitely would be a void.

 

I don't know where things are going, but all I want is a chance. I don't want this to be the end of something incredible and satisfying just because circumstances aren't convenient. I'm willing to bend, but maybe he's unwilling to compromise.

 

I get mired in self-esteem issues, thinking I can't compete with the other women he'll meet there. If we are meant to be after apart for a while, though, other women won't make a difference. That's why I'm willing to keep contact for now and keep seeing each other when we can--to remind him of what he's missing. We have a lot of really good memories together and I plan on making more. I know he's replaying them in his head because he brings up things we did months ago, even our first date. He remembers the tiniest details.

 

Can feelings withstand distance? Could he decide in 5 or 6 months that he really wants to be with me and make moves toward that?

[Candy Cane]

That's a tough call. It could be worth it, or it could turn out to be a waste of time. There are no guarantees.

 

He sounds receptive though so that's promising. I don't see anything wrong in maybe pushing him in the right direction. Instead of giving him an ultimatum, perhaps you say something like, "I feel like I am getting closer to you over these past few months. I'd like to think of us as exclusive. Do you feel that way, and if not, would you feel comfortable in my dating other people?" Then...see what he says.

 

What's that gonna hurt?

[Bellona]

Originally posted by Candy Cane

That's a tough call. It could be worth it, or it could turn out to be a waste of time. There are no guarantees.

 

He sounds receptive though so that's promising. I don't see anything wrong in maybe pushing him in the right direction. Instead of giving him an ultimatum, perhaps you say something like, "I feel like I am getting closer to you over these past few months. I'd like to think of us as exclusive. Do you feel that way, and if not, would you feel comfortable in my dating other people?" Then...see what he says.

 

What's that gonna hurt?

 

It wouldn't hurt a bit at all since he has started initiating relationship discussions lately (I am not sure why--I thought that things were settled when he left; he said talking about how he still has strong feelings for me and thinks about me and wants to see me next month made him feel so much better because it had been weighing heavy on his mind. Maybe he just wanted to hear what I was thinking--if I was still keeping an open mind).

 

Before, he said that he couldn't wish me any harm if I found anyone else if he's not here to fulfill my needs. That seems to be a concern with the distance--we'd both be worried if the other was truly happy.

 

I may be moving to a place that is less than 3 hours away from him, and when we dated before we were an hour apart and that never made a difference. It wouldn't be much of a further stretch. I am tired of feeling like I'm not worth the effort. I'm sure that's not the case--it's the circumstances and not me. For me, the pain of being broken up is more than the pain of being a little farther apart.

 

I am afraid he's gonna try to pick up where we left off when he gets home, then we'll just be apart when he leaves again--and that'll be it. He's getting a taste of what life without me is like right now. We're at the point where people either get more serious or they break up. If he doesn't want a relationship with me but wants to be friends, he shouldn't be in such frequent contact with me because it just messes with my emotions.

 

He got upset when, before he left, I said that we clearly wanted different things. He said that's not the case, but circumstances were making us part ways for a while. If it's evident we're not on the same page when he comes home, I'll have to decide whether or not to break off contact because I can't heal when I'm still talking to him everyday. I think he loves me in his own way, but he has a funny way of showing it and is really concerned about us both getting hurt.

[Candy Cane]

And then you have to think, if you were in his shoes, what would you expect a guy who was waiting for you in some other town would want from you? A whole lot of phone calls? I doubt it. He'd want a commitment and you'd probably give it to him because (awww) he cares about you. In fact, wouldn't you feel like you'd be leading him on if you were calling him everyday but yet didn't give him the boyfriend title? I would, I think.

 

I vote you definately push for a commitment and if he dodges the question, well, that's up to you...but what sort of man makes you feel like you're not worth the effort it takes to have a long distance relationship? That really sucks.

 

I think it's good that you are reminding him of what he's missing...but maybe once in awhile it's good that you just let him miss you so that he feels that emptiness. Like...don't take a phone call a couple times...let him sit there for the night and wonder where the heck you are and what you might be up to. Perhaps that's all the encouraging he needs. Maybe you don't even need to confront him at all. When he finally gets back to you the next day and he asks why you didn't call him back...maybe just say you were busy and don't elaborate.

 

What do you think of that plan? Just tossing ideas around.

[Bellona]

Originally posted by Candy Cane

 

 

I think it's good that you are reminding him of what he's missing...but maybe once in awhile it's good that you just let him miss you so that he feels that emptiness. Like...don't take a phone call a couple times...let him sit there for the night and wonder where the heck you are and what you might be up to. Perhaps that's all the encouraging he needs. Maybe you don't even need to confront him at all. When he finally gets back to you the next day and he asks why you didn't call him back...maybe just say you were busy and don't elaborate.

 

What do you think of that plan? Just tossing ideas around.

 

He's the one who is reluctant to do LDR, but that's exactly what we're in right now when we talk everyday, in the way we talk, and when we make plans for what we'd like to do together when he comes home. After we had a relationship discussion the other night, he talks like he's my boyfriend again--calling me by my pet names, wishing I was there, telling me what I'd enjoy where he's at, etc.

 

He did wonder where I was one day when I didn't get back to him. Sometimes I make myself inaccessible so we have some space. It seems like that space makes him uncomfortable, because he stressed that I should never hesitate to call him if I want to chat. It's like he wanted to say, "Hun, call me--I miss you" but had to put it in a not-so-needy way.

 

I didn't talk to him last night, and I might not talk to him tomorrow to give some space. Then we'll have more to talk about when we do chat. Weekends are when we feel the void the most--since we'd be together the whole time. I think space is an excellent plan.

[orta]

If you want something from this man, be sure to tell him exactly how you feel, and to tell him what you are and are not OK with. Otherwise, you will end up making things worse for the both of you. If you want to talk to this man, don't go "giving him space". If you want a relationship with this man, how can you possibly justify denying your interest in pursuing one with him? Tell him what you want.

 

If you keep "playing games", things might get complicated.

 

In some ways, it is understandable that this man wants to put a hold on the relationship the two of you did have. Unfortunately, I don't think that he realizes the two of you are still in a relationship. The both of you speak frequently, flirt, and show interest in one another. Friends tend not to do this, and acquaintances certainly do not behave in this way. Your relationship has definitely changed, but I wouldn't say that it is "on hold" or "over".

 

Maybe, if the two of you talk for a long time in person about your situation, the both of you will be able to come to a final decision. Are you willing to deal with the long distance, and to take the risks that come with such a relationship? If so, it might be wise to discuss your feelings with this man, and to hear his take on things, as well. Don't play guessing games, and don't assume you know what he wants, and what is going to be best. If the two of you don't start talking about your situation, and the both of you keep assuming, things may not work out so well in the end.

[Bellona]

We talked a few times before he left about all this, but now the lines are muddled and his talk of keeping things "open" and seeing me again when he returns just tells me that he's waiting to see how he feels in a new place with new obligations and challenges. He knows I'm willing to compromise.

 

The fact that he says we're only parting "for a while" and he doesn't want to close the door on us shows he's thinking about it seriously. He said he doesn't want to jerk me around. But, we're definitely not over judging by our frequent contact and the nature of it. We're in a long-distance relationship that he said he doesn't want to be in.

 

He said we'll be talking more about this as time goes on, but his overall view hasn't changed. Being "open" to see how things go can make us both slow down and decide if this is what we really want (it's what I want) or could be used as a backburner maneuver.--but he hasn't tried to manipulate me during our relationship, so I think he's afraid to make the final push while everything else is changing.

[millefiori]

Well, I don't think I can give really much more advice on this, but I recommend you to not put too much pressure on him or to "misbehave" in any other way. He has stress at school and if you give him more reasons to be stressed he will choose school over you.

 

That is a very delicate balance that you will have to maintain. You better not have a jealous personality and you better have a life of your own to keep him interested in you and not to let him fall into a comfort zone. At the same time you should not stress him too much or he will be out faster - much faster - than you think.

 

Personally I think you're out for a lot of pain. You're too nice, too good, too caring. You seem to fight for the things you like and care for. You have it more clear what you want. Maybe I'm projecting my own bad experiences on you, nonetheless I tell you, be careful. I highly doubt that this is a win-situation for you. I see it in your posts that you're a considerate person. I guy who really appreciated you for this would not risk letting you go so easily. I'm afraid a very likely end for this will be that he tells you it's too much stress for him and that he needs to concentrate on school. That you're the best thing he has ever met, but that the timing isn't right.

[Bellona]

Originally posted by millefiori

 

I'm afraid a very likely end for this will be that he tells you it's too much stress for him and that he needs to concentrate on school. That you're the best thing he has ever met, but that the timing isn't right.

 

This is pretty much what I'm anticipating right now. People can change their minds over time, but it's best not to bet on it. If timing is everything, then there's no chance it'll work out now if he'd want to be able to put 100% in it.

 

Perhaps we're meant to part ways now and take care of what we need to do to be successful, and if the feelings are still there later, we could pick back up. He wants to keep in contact and visit--at least right now--and maybe maintaining contact is a way to ensure that the door is left open for later.

 

I am very clear about what I want, and perhaps I am too caring. I'm always the one who is willing to fight for what I want and it's a rarity to have people fight for me--at least not the guys I fall for. I get asked out a few times a week, but I have nothing in common with those guys but they're willing to bend over backwards for me.

 

I've spoken with my transplanted object of affection today, and he said he may call me later. I find it's better to wait until he comes home to discuss our feelings in person, though. I'm sure we'll have some heavy discussions. I don't know how we'd ever be "just friends," but he's a good person to have in my corner. I'm still sorting out how I feel about that.

 

We both have issues thinking about the other person with someone else. I'm jealous by nature, but I'm not letting it get in the way. I don't hound him and demand he tell me everywhere he has been, who he's talking to, etc. Trust is key to maintaining any relationship, and I trust him. It's the circumstances I despise, but those can be dealt with.

[millefiori]

I have some of the same problems as you, but I rarely manage to keep a level head. It is great that you don't get angry with him or throw fits.

 

If you can handle it with only staying in contact, then do it, but I know, I can't. I don't want to be second choice. Some people can decide to not date at the moment and then later get back together again, but I want more.

 

My guess is that sometimes guys are just not ready for so much responsibility. You're too nice, they don't want to hurt your feelings. If you were a tad more selfish it would be easier for them, but they instinctively know, if they're not careful they will hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. They know they're still a bit egoistic and they are not ready to settle down yet. I think somehow they appeal to our maternal instincts. The nice guys who run after us, don't need that. We want the ones who want to be free and be like Peter Pan, the cute ones.

 

Did you ever wonder if you not may have commitment issues? I do, because when I imagine I'm with someone who is perfect and who wants me as much as I want him, I feel a bit, um, queasy. I wonder if it's not the excitement and the uncertainty if someone wants to be with me that makes me desire that person so much.

 

(Sorry, I digressed a bit. )

[Bellona]

Originally posted by millefiori

Did you ever wonder if you not may have commitment issues? I do, because when I imagine I'm with someone who is perfect and who wants me as much as I want him, I feel a bit, um, queasy. I wonder if it's not the excitement and the uncertainty if someone wants to be with me that makes me desire that person so much.

 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay in contact if he decides he doesn't want to date any more--that it's too much. He definitely wants to and has made every effort to so far, but it may be too much for me because I want more, as well. The feelings I have for him would get in the way of me trying to be with anyone else when I finally decide to get back into the ring.

 

I keep any anger/frustration I have to myself but I do let him know how I feel. In fact, he wants me to tell him how I feel more often. I could be talking to him right now, but I'm going outside, instead.

 

I think I'm so used to seeing my friends' relationships like this work out that I feel cheated. This guy is a keeper--but maybe he's not ready to be kept. He needs to realize, on his own without any pressure for me, if I'm one he can see a future with. I think he could consider it with more time if the circumstances were different. I don't feel that circumstances should rule the heart, but some people like to think about relationships logically versus emotionally. Mars v. Venus classic!

 

At one time, committing for me was difficult because I had high standards or I just didn't feel enough pull for a person. Over the past few years, though, I've had some serious relationships during which I was a committed partner. I wouldn't feel uneasy in a commitment with my current object of affection. I'm totally comfortable around this person. Any uncomfortable feelings as of late have been all related to our current situation.

 

But, there is definitely a lot of excitement being involved with someone where you have to wonder what's really going on that nogging...it's a bit like living dangerously, and you always have the love jitters. I don't lose sleep at night over this, and I eat regularly. None of this commotion has disrupted those things, just my peace of mind and my hopes. I hate the uncertainty of starting over when it seems like fate brought you two together in the first place.

[francis]

Bellona, your situation echoes mine in similar ways...except we tried LD for two years, it was pretty much a disaster, he broke up with me two and a half months ago but we are still in contact via email, phone and sms...mostly initated by me. he broke it off saying it was 'the best thing right now' just because LD for both of us was so unbearable, we couldnt handle being apart...

 

but now we are apart, rid of the title 'boyfriend and girlfriend' but our regular contact is driving me crazy. i am in limbo, totally, he isnt flagrantly obvious with his feelings as your man is, but he still wants to know my plans...

 

i finish Uni next May and he made it clear throughout that he didnt really see our relationship being 'proper' until i graduated and we were at the same 'stage of life'...

 

i really feel like we are 'on hold' or something...he won't discuss his feelings towards me or our situation and ignores any attempt i make at reaching out to him emotionally...he does however support me in every other way, checks that i'm ok, financially etc...

 

he is well aware that I want committment from him, but he refuses to discuss it...it's an impossible situation...he is insecure and scared and always avoided making future plans until i graduated

 

i do feel hurt that he couldn't keep trying with me, he 'gave up' as he put it...but i am trapped in a regular contact situation whereby i still want him in my life, don't want to stop contact for fear of hurting him again, which i did so frequently in the past...

 

it's a no win situation...and a huge waiting game...i suppose i am waiting for the day he says enough is enough and he cannot stay in contact anymore...