I am completely lost [update: ex wants me to see other people...]

September 25, 2016

I am a complete mess. I started on this site back in June because of a breakup with someone I dated for two years we broke up May 21st. It started out as a ****ty breakup, I tried and tried to get in contact with him and win him back. After relentless weeks I was blocked and I started to move on.

About a month into the breakup I run into him, he was unhappy at first but then approached me to talk. He was drunk and wanted to get back together and that lasted for a day and he said he wasnt thinking and ended it.

Three weeks later, unblocked me wants to talk and be "sleeping buddies" but see where it goes, he find something I did he doesn't like and breaks it off.

says it'll never work

in between those weeks I would always try to call even on a restricted number

Another two weeks go without him talking to me oNCE AGAIN but this time says he really loves me and needed to work **** out and we were talking again. everything was FANTASTIC. I wasn't happy one night of a sexual joke he made so I was annoyed, he didn't like that, started a fight and ended it once again. said we'll never be together

tried contacting him often through a restricted number, but wanted nothing to do with me

Most recently three weeks ago he unblocked me and said like he always does that he needed space an that he loves me and knows I'm the one for him. Again this relationship was smooth sailing, everything was going pretty decent, no complaints. This time was different we had a full blown relationship....I got drunk in front of his boss one night and I was cursing and it was embrassassing to him ...understandable...but he breaks up with me for that? Does he wait for me to **** up? Why is he so hard on me?

Heres my thing:

I am so confused there is no other girl that I am sure of. I know he finds other people attractive and during the breakup may end up hooking up with one of them like every other person does after a breakup which is annoying but anyway I know for a fact theres no one else.

He's always said that he needed space to "cool off" from whatever I said or did to piss him off. That's not how relationships work...even when i was wrong or even right I'd go out of my way to fix and do my best. He would always say I really don't like being a dick to you but I don't know what else to get you off my back for a while....again just sounding like he wants space....but why do this THREE TIMES?!??!? The first time we ever broke up I knew it was my problem to fix but now this is just becoming head games.

Hes not one to open up, there is a sense that something is unsolved in his head or that he isn't sure of and that must be preventing him from having any understanding or comprehension that people make mistakes. I have a feeling he cares but he's not going about anything right anymore. You would think just leave him alone and move on but this is the third time this happened, is it possible that he sees there's someone who truly loves him and will do whatever is needed and he's looking for ways not to believe it? We both had terrible relationships before we dated each other...but i've done my best and calling constantly to ty to figure it out isn't helping I'm just so beyond lost

Edited September 25, 2016 by Iamlostin

October 5, 2016

Hi,

It sounds to me as if your relationship is stuck repeating the same loop of events. Reconciliation, happiness, negative event, breakup, repeat.

I think the best way to stop this negative string of events from happening is to talk things through with your partner. Ask why he feels he needs to breakup with you after a negetive event instead of taking a step back, calming down and trying to see things from your point of view.

Or

End the relationship. I feel you are both struggling to maintain a happy relationship that is filled with too many pot holes and fallen down trees. Everything is great for a while but when there is an issue on the road you can't seem to get past it. And this is happening time and time again.

Best of wishes for the future .

October 6, 2016

I am a complete mess. I started on this site back in June because of a breakup with someone I dated for two years we broke up May 21st. It started out as a ****ty breakup, I tried and tried to get in contact with him and win him back. After relentless weeks I was blocked and I started to move on.

About a month into the breakup I run into him, he was unhappy at first but then approached me to talk. He was drunk and wanted to get back together and that lasted for a day and he said he wasnt thinking and ended it.

Three weeks later, unblocked me wants to talk and be "sleeping buddies" but see where it goes, he find something I did he doesn't like and breaks it off.
says it'll never work

in between those weeks I would always try to call even on a restricted number

Another two weeks go without him talking to me oNCE AGAIN but this time says he really loves me and needed to work **** out and we were talking again. everything was FANTASTIC. I wasn't happy one night of a sexual joke he made so I was annoyed, he didn't like that, started a fight and ended it once again. said we'll never be together

tried contacting him often through a restricted number, but wanted nothing to do with me

Most recently three weeks ago he unblocked me and said like he always does that he needed space an that he loves me and knows I'm the one for him. Again this relationship was smooth sailing, everything was going pretty decent, no complaints. This time was different we had a full blown relationship....I got drunk in front of his boss one night and I was cursing and it was embrassassing to him ...understandable...but he breaks up with me for that? Does he wait for me to **** up? Why is he so hard on me?

Heres my thing:
I am so confused there is no other girl that I am sure of. I know he finds other people attractive and during the breakup may end up hooking up with one of them like every other person does after a breakup which is annoying but anyway I know for a fact theres no one else.

He's always said that he needed space to "cool off" from whatever I said or did to piss him off. That's not how relationships work...even when i was wrong or even right I'd go out of my way to fix and do my best. He would always say I really don't like being a dick to you but I don't know what else to get you off my back for a while....again just sounding like he wants space....but why do this THREE TIMES?!??!? The first time we ever broke up I knew it was my problem to fix but now this is just becoming head games.

Hes not one to open up, there is a sense that something is unsolved in his head or that he isn't sure of and that must be preventing him from having any understanding or comprehension that people make mistakes. I have a feeling he cares but he's not going about anything right anymore. You would think just leave him alone and move on but this is the third time this happened, is it possible that he sees there's someone who truly loves him and will do whatever is needed and he's looking for ways not to believe it? We both had terrible relationships before we dated each other...but i've done my best and calling constantly to ty to figure it out isn't helping I'm just so beyond lost

If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn that you were my cousin ! I don't know this guy, of course, but it seems to me that he is EMOTIONALLY UNAVILABLE and a commitment-phobe. It also appears that the more you try to cling to him, the more distant he gets. When you gave him space for a whole month, he reappeared and was willing to give you a chance, then changed his mind as soon you two got close again etc... Do you see a vicious pattern here ? It's not you, it's him. You keep jumping through hoops but it won't matter because HE doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, hence he breaks up as soon you make the smallest mistake (not that I think that getting drunk and cursing in front of his boss was a "small" mistake).

But there are other things you write that suggest that it's not you but his emotional issues and commitment challenges. I don't know how old he is, but my cousin's ex was in his 40s and living with his mother - had never been married, had no kids (nothing wrong with either) BUT the red flag was that he had never had a SINGLE "relationship" that had lasted more than a few months. Ditto when my cousin entered the picture. TBH, my cousin had some mental health issues, too. She had an abusive childhood and had abandonment issues, so the more he pulled away, the HARDER SHE CHASED... I mean, the woman was damned near relentless and YOU sound a lot like her ! No offense but why call from a "restricted number" ? Were you trying to see if he was intentionally avoiding you ? I get your desperation -- as I said, my cousin was a lot like you when it came to chasing him -- and eventually they finally broke up for good after 9 months of the most awful emotionally roller coaster she had even ridden. I told her to get into therapy for her residual childhood trauma, fix herself, focus on her career and THEN once she was emotionally stable to get back into the dating scene. She's doing OK now, and I have the same suggestion for you. You are making a lot of excuses for him like she did (oh, he cares but just doesn't know how to show it or doesn't know what he wants, oh... but I shouldn't have done / said that... oh, there's no one else and even if there was, it's me he loves and she's just around for sex ... etc etc etc).

These relationships -- you push, he pulls, you chase, he runs -- never end well. He's really messing with your head and had you not contacted him after you broke up on May 21, you would have moved on by now. I am not one to judge, my own relationship ended over the weekend quite horrifically although it was clear (in hindsight) that the writing was on the wall as early as late June, but we women can be quite bull-headed when it comes to letting go of the men we love. Unfortunately, if it's done, it's done, and like yours, mine had a most acrimonious ending... I am now two days post NC and have no intention of contacting this man until at least the New Year, only because we live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else here (we grew up within 5 miles of each other). I have no intention of ever getting into a relationship with him again (he has some issues, too, as do I), but the thing is ... I am now finally able to accept that it's OVER. O-V-E-R. It hurts and I know we might eventually want to try again, but we're basically incompatible and it's just going to be a waste of my time and his. Ditto with your situation, it seems. You guys keep making up and breaking up, wasting time that you should invest in healing and moving on, so cut him loose, focus on yourself, heal yourself and move on. There ARE other emotionally AVAILABLE men out there who WANT a real relationship, so let this one go (for your sake, not his). He sounds like he's nothing but trauma and bad relationship Karma. It will hurt for a while (I am in awful emotional pain right now, myself) but this, too, will pass.

If you ever want to talk, please post here and I'll respond as soon as I can. Hang in there.

October 6, 2016

Hello GoneorNot

thank you so much for taking the time to write back and I don't know if you'd be my cousin if you maybe give me atlas a first name i could easily tell you.

Heres the thing with this saga I couldn't control me wanting to contact him and it got to a head this past Saturday so I had stopped communicating with him at all until today BECAUSE that Monday through Facebook I got a "missed call", and after a while I just got really really curious, so I tried to call him back through Facebook but quickly hung up because I just felt the stress coming on.

I feel like a person addicting on drugs that just relapsed. I love him very much and somehow I feel he loves me but it's just not the time, I don't think he is ready, and he has to realize for himself. The whole world is changing around him and he is getting older he's 27 and I feel like for a while the stresses of everyone getting married or engaged (his brother got engaged last week) it gets to him and fills him with pressure. Regardless of what I did there should be some sort of appreciation for me regardless of that mistake because I have always gone beyond and at least I know for me it's all about actions and it's okay to **** up and I would've understand his need for space for a little but not this. He has thrown temper tantrums himself and has taken a lot of things out on me when he's upset and I am mature enough to understand that he's stressed. I feel like the fact that I'm giving him so much scares him I always feel like it has. All can do is hope he'll realize.

October 9, 2016

Hi, I'm going to be very honest with you. I think you are addicted to him (research love addiction). This stems from something in your past. Try getting counseling to sort it out and you will feel soo much better. He certainly has his own issues, but you can't fix them. He is not appreciating or respecting you at this point evidenced by your comment that he basically wants to be friends with benefits. A guy who cares would not need to get space or pull away so often. He's just using and discarding over and over, and the longer you allow this, the more desperate and deeply wrecked you will become. He's acting like a loser by the way he's treating you. Seek support from counseling, group therapy, reliable friends, etc. and begin keeping no contact immediately. Do not cave on no contact no matter what. With some help, you will start feeling better soon and learn to avoid this kind of man in the future.

October 30, 2016

-Ex and I broke up May 21st, 2016 (our two year was days away)

-Back and fourth through the summer we have had on and off breaks of trying to reconcile/friends with benefits.

-Our most recent effort was the best yet and turned back into a healthy relationship atleast I thought.

-Relationship was broken off initially due to I embrassed him because I was drunk and accidentally cursed in front of his boss, which is understandable. In addition he said his culture and that I was his therapist, (I knew I pushed and tried to hard to give more effort than he was) and apparently there were other reasonings for the break up. Our relationship would be fine until something minor other than what was described would happen and he would make it like it was a sin.

HOWEVER I'm starting to realize a lot of his motives are solely for his interest ALWAYS, and not in the best ways possible. Here are some things I noticed and I want to know is this a mix of who he really is or is because he is insecure..or something more obvious?

1.) He is a car guy...gets more offended about what I have to say about somebody else car than his. I make a comment about another guy, he has to retaliate by one "upping" whoever it is taking whatever I said about the other person and trying to make himself sound better.

2.) Would go out of his way to make sure he reminded me that we are "friends" and will never be together anymore...even when I am not trying to even speak about it.

3.) Thinks I am constantly trying to make him look bad.

4.) Cares about the fact that his friend knew him and I recently have seen each other (his friends aren't really friends they all bust each others balls), and told me that I initiated hanging out with his friend and that persons girlfriend which I did not.I am still friends with my exes friends girlfriend and i told her we were in the area, never asked to hangout and all she said was that me and my ex were in the area out to grab food thats it. His friend then twisted whatever it was and called him out on it making this "my fault" therefore trying to sabotage him.

5.) At some points would be like "oh so your hanging out with boys" and wouldn't tell me not to but we weird about it.

6.) Didn't want me hanging out with my on friend who HAS A GIRLFRIEND because he thought my friends intentions were to always "get with me"

7.) When I try to help or give advice he says I try to figure out how he feels and that its so "****ing annoying"

8.) Continues to sometimes give In and remain friends with people that supposedly have hurt or annoyed him.

9.) Always has to bring up to people the same stories that involved him in some sort of physical altercation with him always being the winner....always makes a point to show he is the dominant man

10.) During times of arguments between us has out of no where would say "I can get any bitches I want, and I can knock five guys out"....which I don't care.

11.) It is kind of a known thing that he is not the best looking guy (which never mattered to me because he was good to me), and therefore as much as he tries can never get anyone

12.) Tries to fill the manly alpha male persona by taking advantage of the fact that he is 300lbs, 6'2 and will sometimes for show I think show off that he can maybe pick someone up or "horse around"...he feels satisfaction from that

13.) When he tried to hangout with "my friend" when he knew she would reject him anyway I would get one of two responses of complete opposite feelings...either one..."She just can't handle a guy like me, she's this or that, (whatever curses he wanted to use), she knows she can't go with a guy like me" ORRRRR "Yeah I know, I'm ugly as ****."

14.) When he feels he is rejected by someone he feels the need to talk himself into the "negative" that person might possess, wether it is that persons appearance, job, even their car etc.

15.) Can dose out sarcasm but sometimes can't take it

16.) Doesn't like to be told to do something even if its something he really needs to do he has to always be asked.

17.) Takes simple issues and magnifies them

18.) He thinks the people think he's weak because he refuses to endure in physical fights because he knows as a 27 year old those "fights" can get him into serious trouble but starts to rethink it and not care anymore when he realizes or thinks people find him weak, and for the 300 pound big man he is.

19.) I am a person that goes OUT OF HER WAY, yes not everyone likes clingy people but I have never gone out of my way to lie or hurt hm and the second he can find something to complain to me about about me he will and take it as I'm trying to sabotage him...apparently making him look like the bad guy.

20.) Cannot share feelings, which can be common for people. Once again fulfilling that alpha male persona

21.) Says he doesn't care about what other people think but yet ends up trying to not appear whatever way he is mistaken for being.

22.) According to many of people that have been friends of his attend to the fact that he "embellishes" stories which he has before....such as adding extra drama to the story.

23.) Also according to them he has "no game", "when single would try to get with girls it never paned out", in addition to his friends he was always told to make sure he doesn't lose me because according to many of them he has not had a more prettier or nicer girlfriend in his life

24.) Had a horrible relationship just as I did before we dated. Both of our exes cheated, we forgave and then both ended up having their own children. We basically both we made to look like fools from those exes, and we were both with these particular exes for at least over three years

24.) Usually cannot take criticism

25.) Has had friends that have used him more for his skills in mechanics than actual friendship, or would get offended if they didn't hang out as much, felt like he was being taken for granted which I would try to tell him.

26.) When he's pissed or down will say he's a loser, I'm just gonna punch someone out.

27.) Will bottle things up and when it explodes over if I'm around in the picture sometimes I get the brunt as well as his family EXCEPT FOR HIS FRIENDS.

28.) Most of his friends or getting married, settling down etc. He has joked about wanting to "finish a race car", instead of marrying right now (WHICH IS FINE AND UNDERSTANDABLE!), but then will say stuff about marriage

29.) Seems to be more focused on the negative sometimes instead of the good

30.) Seems to be all over the place with hobbies and keeping up with his friends and all in the mean time trying to provide the money for it and find a happy medium.

31.) When he wants something from me he'll be nice or just a jerk

32.) Cannot have anyone elses help

33.) Broke a phone over the fact that he could not start a fire during a winter storm no matter how hard he tried....would not take a break just continue trying and trying until he boiled over. When I offered to have my father come and help he got even more mad. I see in this situation he wants to be able to do things by himself but sometimes when you really need help its okay to accept that help.

So I ask you all....I am simply just trying to understand as always...not take any kind of negativity...but there are a bunch of things that point to immaturity, just wanting to be free to do what he wants, trying to seek acceptance, but also trying to maintain a ego. Honestly even though we are hook up friends there are plenty of other people in the world than me...why me? Obviously he has become nastier because over time I have allowed him to treat me in such a way, but when you love someone and they're having a bad day or are hurt and just need to vent you let them and forgive them...and its little little things that eventually get bigger over time, and that has been the situation. I don't know what it is, it can clearly been seen that in some situations he has been a jerk which I acknowledge...BUT just by really looking at all of this, is he more alone than I think he is?

He can't live with or without me, he's gone to prove that. He's never been this far in with an ex before apparently so help me out here! TIA <3

Edited October 30, 2016 by Iamlostin

October 30, 2016

Oh my, that's quite a list.

Any thoughts on how things went on for two years with that list in play, or did some changes occur?

I trust folks with more specific insight than myself will be along presently but, in the interim I'll share some wisdom my father imparted to me decades ago....

"Son, once you start accounting in a relationship, it's over"

He was a professional accountant so liked to put things in terms of his profession. Still, I found his words to ring pretty true throughout life.

Both men and women have egos and none of us has high ground on self-interest or self-preservation. If a relationship works, it does. If not, not. Forensics can help with moving on if that is one's style. Regardless, IMO accept the real.

Oh, last thought. Guard against being a 'therapist' in any relationship. There are paid professionals to handle that stuff. Relationships are positive and uplifting and, most importantly, voluntary.

Good luck!

October 30, 2016

All this over a hookup friend? If he loved you back, I imagine he wouldn't dump you over the fact that you got drunk or mistreat you or keep you as an Fbuddy when you're clearly more interested in him than he's into you.

He sounds like a meathead so I don't know what you're expecting here, some deep psychological diagnosis. Does it matter? Either you're going to accept this treatment or move on.

People are people and I doubt his male ego is getting in the way of anything. He's just not that into you or he'd treat you better. You kind of describe yourself as an emotional punching bag. I can see why someone like him might be drawn to that, however, I imagine he'd have no problem dropping you like a hot potato if something better came along. What douchey man wouldn't like to have a woman that lets him walk all over her without consequences?

He can live without you. Otherwise he wouldn't put you in a crap position that most women would reject without hesitation.

October 30, 2016

-Ex and I broke up May 21st, 2016 (our two year was days away)
-Back and fourth through the summer we have had on and off breaks of trying to reconcile/friends with benefits.
-Our most recent effort was the best yet and turned back into a healthy relationship atleast I thought.
-Relationship was broken off initially due to I embrassed him because I was drunk and accidentally cursed in front of his boss, which is understandable. In addition he said his culture and that I was his therapist, (I knew I pushed and tried to hard to give more effort than he was) and apparently there were other reasonings for the break up. Our relationship would be fine until something minor other than what was described would happen and he would make it like it was a sin.

HOWEVER I'm starting to realize a lot of his motives are solely for his interest ALWAYS, and not in the best ways possible. Here are some things I noticed and I want to know is this a mix of who he really is or is because he is insecure..or something more obvious?
1.) He is a car guy...gets more offended about what I have to say about somebody else car than his. I make a comment about another guy, he has to retaliate by one "upping" whoever it is taking whatever I said about the other person and trying to make himself sound better.
2.) Would go out of his way to make sure he reminded me that we are "friends" and will never be together anymore...even when I am not trying to even speak about it.
3.) Thinks I am constantly trying to make him look bad.
4.) Cares about the fact that his friend knew him and I recently have seen each other (his friends aren't really friends they all bust each others balls), and told me that I initiated hanging out with his friend and that persons girlfriend which I did not.I am still friends with my exes friends girlfriend and i told her we were in the area, never asked to hangout and all she said was that me and my ex were in the area out to grab food thats it. His friend then twisted whatever it was and called him out on it making this "my fault" therefore trying to sabotage him.
5.) At some points would be like "oh so your hanging out with boys" and wouldn't tell me not to but we weird about it.
6.) Didn't want me hanging out with my on friend who HAS A GIRLFRIEND because he thought my friends intentions were to always "get with me"
7.) When I try to help or give advice he says I try to figure out how he feels and that its so "****ing annoying"
8.) Continues to sometimes give In and remain friends with people that supposedly have hurt or annoyed him.
9.) Always has to bring up to people the same stories that involved him in some sort of physical altercation with him always being the winner....always makes a point to show he is the dominant man
10.) During times of arguments between us has out of no where would say "I can get any bitches I want, and I can knock five guys out"....which I don't care.
11.) It is kind of a known thing that he is not the best looking guy (which never mattered to me because he was good to me), and therefore as much as he tries can never get anyone
12.) Tries to fill the manly alpha male persona by taking advantage of the fact that he is 300lbs, 6'2 and will sometimes for show I think show off that he can maybe pick someone up or "horse around"...he feels satisfaction from that
13.) When he tried to hangout with "my friend" when he knew she would reject him anyway I would get one of two responses of complete opposite feelings...either one..."She just can't handle a guy like me, she's this or that, (whatever curses he wanted to use), she knows she can't go with a guy like me" ORRRRR "Yeah I know, I'm ugly as ****."
14.) When he feels he is rejected by someone he feels the need to talk himself into the "negative" that person might possess, wether it is that persons appearance, job, even their car etc.
15.) Can dose out sarcasm but sometimes can't take it
16.) Doesn't like to be told to do something even if its something he really needs to do he has to always be asked.
17.) Takes simple issues and magnifies them
18.) He thinks the people think he's weak because he refuses to endure in physical fights because he knows as a 27 year old those "fights" can get him into serious trouble but starts to rethink it and not care anymore when he realizes or thinks people find him weak, and for the 300 pound big man he is.
19.) I am a person that goes OUT OF HER WAY, yes not everyone likes clingy people but I have never gone out of my way to lie or hurt hm and the second he can find something to complain to me about about me he will and take it as I'm trying to sabotage him...apparently making him look like the bad guy.
20.) Cannot share feelings, which can be common for people. Once again fulfilling that alpha male persona
21.) Says he doesn't care about what other people think but yet ends up trying to not appear whatever way he is mistaken for being.
22.) According to many of people that have been friends of his attend to the fact that he "embellishes" stories which he has before....such as adding extra drama to the story.
23.) Also according to them he has "no game", "when single would try to get with girls it never paned out", in addition to his friends he was always told to make sure he doesn't lose me because according to many of them he has not had a more prettier or nicer girlfriend in his life
24.) Had a horrible relationship just as I did before we dated. Both of our exes cheated, we forgave and then both ended up having their own children. We basically both we made to look like fools from those exes, and we were both with these particular exes for at least over three years
24.) Usually cannot take criticism
25.) Has had friends that have used him more for his skills in mechanics than actual friendship, or would get offended if they didn't hang out as much, felt like he was being taken for granted which I would try to tell him.
26.) When he's pissed or down will say he's a loser, I'm just gonna punch someone out.
27.) Will bottle things up and when it explodes over if I'm around in the picture sometimes I get the brunt as well as his family EXCEPT FOR HIS FRIENDS.
28.) Most of his friends or getting married, settling down etc. He has joked about wanting to "finish a race car", instead of marrying right now (WHICH IS FINE AND UNDERSTANDABLE!), but then will say stuff about marriage
29.) Seems to be more focused on the negative sometimes instead of the good
30.) Seems to be all over the place with hobbies and keeping up with his friends and all in the mean time trying to provide the money for it and find a happy medium.
31.) When he wants something from me he'll be nice or just a jerk
32.) Cannot have anyone elses help
33.) Broke a phone over the fact that he could not start a fire during a winter storm no matter how hard he tried....would not take a break just continue trying and trying until he boiled over. When I offered to have my father come and help he got even more mad. I see in this situation he wants to be able to do things by himself but sometimes when you really need help its okay to accept that help.

So I ask you all....I am simply just trying to understand as always...not take any kind of negativity...but there are a bunch of things that point to immaturity, just wanting to be free to do what he wants, trying to seek acceptance, but also trying to maintain a ego. Honestly even though we are hook up friends there are plenty of other people in the world than me...why me? Obviously he has become nastier because over time I have allowed him to treat me in such a way, but when you love someone and they're having a bad day or are hurt and just need to vent you let them and forgive them...and its little little things that eventually get bigger over time, and that has been the situation. I don't know what it is, it can clearly been seen that in some situations he has been a jerk which I acknowledge...BUT just by really looking at all of this, is he more alone than I think he is?

He can't live with or without me, he's gone to prove that. He's never been this far in with an ex before apparently so help me out here! TIA <3

so help me out here -- Stop communicating with him PERIOD. It's over and he was the biggest waste of your time and still is -- because you took the time to write all this stuff out . . .

when you love someone and they're having a bad day or are hurt and just need to vent you let them and forgive them -- You don't love him, you love the man you wish he would be . . . the relationship is over and you don't have to be his emotional tampon . . . go no contact. Let him grow up and stand on his own two feet.

October 30, 2016

I don't know why you give him the time of day.

If he's alone, it's because he's an arse. And yes, he CAN live without you. Or if he truly can't live without you, it's really not your problem.

October 30, 2016

I agree with every single one of you but just a reminder we dated for 2 years...and I know the concept of "time" in a relationship varies on situation but I mean this was something that came out of a man desperate for months on end about me in the way that he wanted to date me (2 years ago). This isn't some random guy that endured a useless two years that was filled with bull****. When he was committed he was committed but yeah people are right he is immature. I don't understand what his fascination on what everybody else thinks of him or I, or us as a couple. While his actions definitely right now say ******* which I agree with 100%, I don't know he's always been one to divert his feelings and do the total opposite sometimes. Not only is it wrong but something just tells me there's a little something there I don't know what but there is.

In reference to young lady who commented I apologize I forgot your name, I wanted to clarify... I wasn't looking for a psychological diagnosis here. This is a forum dedicated to venting, talking, and releasing whatever thoughts so while the situation is something I should not be in sometimes the extra insight whatever it may be I do like to get, even if it's from here. There is so much more involved but I you all would be reading a text book by then. I am that person to try and look at it all in alllll possible spectrums because when I do let go it's for good. I am smart with most of my life just not this right now.

So thank you for all of your responses.

October 30, 2016

I agree with every single one of you but just a reminder we dated for 2 years...and I know the concept of "time" in a relationship varies on situation but I mean this was something that came out of a man desperate for months on end about me in the way that he wanted to date me (2 years ago). This isn't some random guy that endured a useless two years that was filled with bull****. When he was committed he was committed but yeah people are right he is immature. I don't understand what his fascination on what everybody else thinks of him or I, or us as a couple. While his actions definitely right now say ******* which I agree with 100%, I don't know he's always been one to divert his feelings and do the total opposite sometimes. Not only is it wrong but something just tells me there's a little something there I don't know what but there is.

In reference to young lady who commented I apologize I forgot your name, I wanted to clarify... I wasn't looking for a psychological diagnosis here. This is a forum dedicated to venting, talking, and releasing whatever thoughts so while the situation is something I should not be in sometimes the extra insight whatever it may be I do like to get, even if it's from here. There is so much more involved but I you all would be reading a text book by then. I am that person to try and look at it all in alllll possible spectrums because when I do let go it's for good. I am smart with most of my life just not this right now.

So thank you for all of your responses.

I just asked that because your questions were vague, asking what his behavior means about him being alone. Only he could answer that question.

This isn't a situation that really needs to be looked at in that many different ways to see that it's unhealthy. He's no longer your boyfriend and, based on the list you compiled, he's not a pleasant person to be around.

But once you've been demoted to FWB, definitely time to let go.

November 3, 2016

There have been many posts about my breakup and such about my ex and I.

Currently still hook up atleast once a week, he is the one that initiated that as well as being friends which we do communicate daily normally. However I know between our first breakup and where we are now atleast a few times (not often) he would keep encouraging me to just "hook up with someone already", "you have all theses options" when I mention men sometimes, and them being interested in me in either a good or bad way.

Why on earth is he doing this if he's attracted to me and wants to have me to hook up with? Is he trying to push me away? Is he saying that to make me feel bad? Or does he really want me to be with someone else so I'm off his back? This I have to admit is very confusing.

November 3, 2016

hard to say .... it could be because he wants you to be able to move on emotionally when he does find someone else he actually cares for or it could very well be to make you feel a way / guilty . Sometimes people enjoy leaving those little bread crumbs to keep you hanging on , to see if they can still keep coming back . I would say if you still have deep feelings for him which i'm guessing you do , the friendship / hookup phase will only last so long before you grow tired of it . He will more than likely keep you there because ... think about it why would he make an effort to be with you again if he's still getting what he wants emotionally and sexually ?

November 3, 2016

He is saying that because he doesn't want a relationship with you. He may still want to hook up and have sex and fun with you but he doesn't plan to make you his gf again. A man who loves a woman doesn't want another guy having sex with her unless he is a cuckold. I don't think this guy is one. I think you should continue on as you are if you don't care. If you want him back what you are doing will never work because he has told you to go out with other man. Not good. I actually think it would be healthy for you to take his advice and start dating other men. You have been broken up for a while now and it's time to move on.

Edited November 3, 2016 by stillafool

November 3, 2016

Basically, he wants to keep sleeping with you until he or you meets someone else.

A man who wants to be with you would never tell you to find another guy. He's only in this for sex now, unfortunately. He'll be gone when he starts dating another girl.

November 3, 2016

He's encouraging you to move on so that you don't love or need him. In the meantime, he's shagging you till something better comes along.

December 3, 2016

From all of those who have contributed in comments and advice it is truly appreciate it. While for the most part everyone was spot on I'd like to make a comment for not all but some. In my opinion I believe this forum has a great array of topics of discussion and some more sensitive than others being about relationships where in my case I opened up extensively. While opinions and blunt honesty is of course welcome I believe some (not necessarily maybe in this post but that I've seen in others) are extremely rough on each other. For example, I had put a forum in the "second chances" column section, I had asked about others and those who have experienced second chances in a relationship and the motivation or events that led to it and what have you learned. People automatically assumed by my writing from months ago while plausible that I was looking for some sort of hope in my situation. My situation with my ex is long gone. (I will explain that later) I was actually truly annoyed while I never mentioned anything about my ex if I wanted some false hope i'd ask for it because at this point I had already opened up enough, why wouldn't this be different?

It is okay to be wrong (the person posting the forum), even more than once, and yes sometimes we have to **** up a lot before we see the light. While it's our right to speak which ever way we choose I just wish there was some sort decrease in how strongly we present our feedback. Some see it is "tough love" which I understand as well and while I know I have screwed up it's not like I cheated, or ever did anything horribly enough I just see a sense of frustration in people and that's not the point of this website. Help each other, grow, and give the tough advice when needed. I apologize if people don't agree with me and thats okay. I could only expect that.

AN UPDATE:

I decided I needed to do this so I can finally "prove" to some members that just because I post topics that can reflect my past situation doesn't mean I have a secret agenda...

I don't remember the last time I posted about my ex, probably over the summer.

We had been back and fourth for about six months. However, after a lot of support, and love I have finally realized it was time to make a change not because I didn't care about him or hated him but because I needed to do myself a favor. I had seen a quote that really has always resonated with any situation in my life, "Your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson", while this is pretty easy to grasp for me I was always stubborn and thought it didn't matter. Well it does. I will keep ending up in a horrible and upsetting place leaving me back at square one. At 24 years old I am more than old enough to realize that my life will never change if I continue to make decisions that are not healthy for me. My feelings at this point are irrelevant its all about my sanity and my future. I want a future that is happy and prosperous but even things that I think are just little problems will eventually weigh me down. While I can't shake things off as easy as others or put it to the back burner I realize that I have given myself more than enough chances to realize the real situation and I failed to recognize it. There was nothing in wrong trying again, but not 5 times. For anyone stuck in a situation, I mean ANY know that you are more in control that you think. I know many people have figured this out already but for me I am finally just grasping it. For me that is a victory.

My feelings about my ex are iffy, I still care (how could you care for someone like that?). Well, because there are many things I did not share, like the things he has done for me that have positively improved me. For example, while the relationship had extreme downfalls he was always good at pushing me to be okay with trying new things. That is something he had really had an influence on such as being more open in a social setting and not just relying on him to talk to, for once having me open up my horizons even on the food I ate, I was always extremely picky and closed minded. Those two things actually really made in difference in my life because for a while I did not have the confidence or push to just "go ahead and be social". I never ever did. I thank him so much for that.

I realize we are now in a place that isn't healthy for either one of us, what hurts is that I cannot change this position. No matter what. My best option has been leaving him alone, I don't know what will happen in the future but at one time it was bliss, however the point is things change. And that was something I actually was very stubborn on. This is a new chapter, and I am willing to jump right in it.

December 3, 2016

AN UPDATE:[/b]
I decided I needed to do this so I can finally "prove" to some members that just because I post topics that can reflect my past situation doesn't mean I have a secret agenda...

I don't remember the last time I posted about my ex, probably over the summer.
We had been back and fourth for about six months. However, after a lot of support, and love I have finally realized it was time to make a change not because I didn't care about him or hated him but because I needed to do myself a favor. I had seen a quote that really has always resonated with any situation in my life, "Your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson", while this is pretty easy to grasp for me I was always stubborn and thought it didn't matter. Well it does. I will keep ending up in a horrible and upsetting place leaving me back at square one. At 24 years old I am more than old enough to realize that my life will never change if I continue to make decisions that are not healthy for me. My feelings at this point are irrelevant its all about my sanity and my future. I want a future that is happy and prosperous but even things that I think are just little problems will eventually weigh me down. While I can't shake things off as easy as others or put it to the back burner I realize that I have given myself more than enough chances to realize the real situation and I failed to recognize it. There was nothing in wrong trying again, but not 5 times. For anyone stuck in a situation, I mean ANY know that you are more in control that you think. I know many people have figured this out already but for me I am finally just grasping it. For me that is a victory.

My feelings about my ex are iffy, I still care (how could you care for someone like that?). Well, because there are many things I did not share, like the things he has done for me that have positively improved me. For example, while the relationship had extreme downfalls he was always good at pushing me to be okay with trying new things. That is something he had really had an influence on such as being more open in a social setting and not just relying on him to talk to, for once having me open up my horizons even on the food I ate, I was always extremely picky and closed minded. Those two things actually really made in difference in my life because for a while I did not have the confidence or push to just "go ahead and be social". I never ever did. I thank him so much for that.
I realize we are now in a place that isn't healthy for either one of us, what hurts is that I cannot change this position. No matter what. My best option has been leaving him alone, I don't know what will happen in the future but at one time it was bliss, however the point is things change. And that was something I actually was very stubborn on. This is a new chapter, and I am willing to jump right in it.

You don't need to prove yourself to members here, remember that. Some just vent and sometimes project having memories themselves they still have to deal with. And you know sometimes even the people who do not deserve us can have great qualities. But with the list you provided I got the sense that the guy really has low self-esteem and was sometimes taking it out on you. You deserve better than that. There are good people out there, but first just work on yourself and try to be happy alone. Being able to be happy alone is the biggest gift we can give each-other. It also can be worth investigating why you fell for him I got the feeling you might want to look into attachmenttheorie (and/or family-systems) to find some answers on that. Take care and be kind to yourself.

December 3, 2016

You don't need to prove yourself to members here, remember that. Some just vent and sometimes project having memories themselves they still have to deal with. And you know sometimes even the people who do not deserve us can have great qualities. But with the list you provided I got the sense that the guy really has low self-esteem and was sometimes taking it out on you. You deserve better than that. There are good people out there, but first just work on yourself and try to be happy alone. Being able to be happy alone is the biggest gift we can give each-other. It also can be worth investigating why you fell for him I got the feeling you might want to look into attachmenttheorie (and/or family-systems) to find some answers on that. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Take this from a man who is much like your bf.

Every gf iv had I was into at the beginning. Then I had issues with a few things n lost interest. I could break it off easy enough but they would always want me back and after a few weeks I'd want them back too.

Eventually they all get sick of me not being committed and start pulling away.

At that point I'm totally heartbroken and decide they are the one for me.

Unless we don't care about that girl at all and iv broken up with girls who I not had any interest in. Unless we don't care we'll always chase once the rug is pulled.

Once you become strong, stop being a doormat, say no. He will become a cowering puppy and u will likely see him for what he is and not want him bac anyway.

But u have to be strong and say no, I won't affect that behavior.

December 4, 2016

Take this from a man who is much like your bf.
Every gf iv had I was into at the beginning. Then I had issues with a few things n lost interest. I could break it off easy enough but they would always want me back and after a few weeks I'd want them back too.
Eventually they all get sick of me not being committed and start pulling away.
At that point I'm totally heartbroken and decide they are the one for me.
Unless we don't care about that girl at all and iv broken up with girls who I not had any interest in. Unless we don't care we'll always chase once the rug is pulled.
Once you become strong, stop being a doormat, say no. He will become a cowering puppy and u will likely see him for what he is and not want him bac anyway.
But u have to be strong and say no, I won't affect that behavior.

Many men (and women) do not come to this kind of self-knowledge, well done Slimtripper, I hope you managed to overcome these dismissive-avoidant tendencies.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Itspointless

December 5, 2016

I am a complete mess. I started on this site back in June because of a breakup with someone I dated for two years we broke up May 21st. It started out as a ****ty breakup, I tried and tried to get in contact with him and win him back. After relentless weeks I was blocked and I started to move on.

About a month into the breakup I run into him, he was unhappy at first but then approached me to talk. He was drunk and wanted to get back together and that lasted for a day and he said he wasnt thinking and ended it.

Three weeks later, unblocked me wants to talk and be "sleeping buddies" but see where it goes, he find something I did he doesn't like and breaks it off.
says it'll never work

in between those weeks I would always try to call even on a restricted number

Another two weeks go without him talking to me oNCE AGAIN but this time says he really loves me and needed to work **** out and we were talking again. everything was FANTASTIC. I wasn't happy one night of a sexual joke he made so I was annoyed, he didn't like that, started a fight and ended it once again. said we'll never be together

tried contacting him often through a restricted number, but wanted nothing to do with me

Most recently three weeks ago he unblocked me and said like he always does that he needed space an that he loves me and knows I'm the one for him. Again this relationship was smooth sailing, everything was going pretty decent, no complaints. This time was different we had a full blown relationship....I got drunk in front of his boss one night and I was cursing and it was embrassassing to him ...understandable...but he breaks up with me for that? Does he wait for me to **** up? Why is he so hard on me?

Heres my thing:
I am so confused there is no other girl that I am sure of. I know he finds other people attractive and during the breakup may end up hooking up with one of them like every other person does after a breakup which is annoying but anyway I know for a fact theres no one else.

He's always said that he needed space to "cool off" from whatever I said or did to piss him off. That's not how relationships work...even when i was wrong or even right I'd go out of my way to fix and do my best. He would always say I really don't like being a dick to you but I don't know what else to get you off my back for a while....again just sounding like he wants space....but why do this THREE TIMES?!??!? The first time we ever broke up I knew it was my problem to fix but now this is just becoming head games.

Hes not one to open up, there is a sense that something is unsolved in his head or that he isn't sure of and that must be preventing him from having any understanding or comprehension that people make mistakes. I have a feeling he cares but he's not going about anything right anymore. You would think just leave him alone and move on but this is the third time this happened, is it possible that he sees there's someone who truly loves him and will do whatever is needed and he's looking for ways not to believe it? We both had terrible relationships before we dated each other...but i've done my best and calling constantly to ty to figure it out isn't helping I'm just so beyond lost

sounds like you both are meant to be together

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I am completely lost [update: ex wants me to see other people...]

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