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I chose one woman, and now I am obsessed with the other woman

love lover

By love lover
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love lover Member

love lover

Posted
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I have tried talking to friends and family about this, and now I'm seeking help here. This is my first post, I just registered.

 

I was involved with a woman off and on for almost three years, but without a commitment. I'll refer to her as Lisa. As a divorced dad, its beeen an odyssey over the last few years as I have tried to find the right woman to go through life with. It may not seem complicated to all of your, but with kids, joint custody, and all the hows and whats of dating as a parent; I assure you it can be complicated.

 

The woman I'm referring to is even more obsessive than I am, and she hung in there with me since the beginning, because she was sure I was the one. I on the other hand had mixed feelings about her, and so I tried to keep it non-committal for a very long time.

 

Then I met someone else who seemed and still seems like a much better potential life partner in many ways, and so I have been in a committed relationship with her.

 

I told Lisa it was over, and that as we had both always known was possible, one or the other of us had now met someone else. She then became obsessive and has persisted in saying that we belong together, and that she knows she will never find anyone like me, or the connection she and I share.

 

There are many reasons why I could not commit to her, and she is aware of them. So here's the thing I need help with:

 

I am obsessed with the memory of her, and I miss the dynamic between us, every day. My obsession manifests itself in a way that I'm ashamed of, yet cannot break the grip of.

 

I have a folder on my computer filled with very sexy, mostly nude photos of her, and audio clips of voicemails. Almost every day that I'm not with my girlfriend, I open the pictures, playback the audio, and I pleasure myself with the sounds and images of her.

 

Both women are very beautiful, very sexual, but I can't look away from Lisa. I am obsessed. There are about 50 pictures in my folder, and I have crated collages, cropped certain pictures into group pictures, etc. I have edited the adio recordings so that I can play back loops of her laughing, saying certain words that are provocative, etc. Sometimes I let the audio play in the background while I sleep.

 

I don't know what the solution is, but I keep hoping that the obsession will fade away. I feel terrible, and I feel like its almost a fetish now.

 

I have been like this many times before, to the extent that I used pictures of past girlfiends to pleasure myself, and then I gradually let go.

 

Masturbation has been a part of my llfe since I was eight, and I don't believe that it is my problem. I think fantasies are healthy, and I feel that up until this situation I always kept it in perspective. However, this situation has me feeling troubled, because....

 

I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL EVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF LISA, AND I'M UTTERLY STUCK.

 

I'm looking for thougthful, intelligent comments from people who can read this objectively without inserting their own judgements or projections onto me.

 

Thank you.

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love lover Member

love lover

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Thank you for the reply S2B

 

I have had much therapy in the past, but not in the last few years. I know. I need to make time for it.

 

I have considered deleting EVERYTHING. I have moved it all onto thumb drives and off my Laptop several times. I have tucked the thumb drive away for days at a time, and then in a difficult moment, loaded it up again for the pleasure I know awaits me.

 

I'm pretty introspective.. Definitely done a lot of self-reflection, and I see my isms and bad habits very clearly. Part of it is that when I look at those images and hear her voice, it's like a drug. It's intoxicating, and pornography has long since lost its effect (which was never great to begin with).

 

I can't bring myself to permanently delete it. Not yet. I know that I will when my girlfriend and I get engaged, because I simply won't embark on a second marriage with this secret. Perhaps the burning question inside me is "Why? Why can I not let go of Lisa?" Is is because subconsciously I feel so deeply connected to her that I can't completely sever the tie?

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
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I don't know if this is the loss of Lisa that is the problem so much as hanging on to old girlfriends and needing them for 'self pleasure'. It does sound like a kind of fetish. It goes a bit beyond just having a photo or a memory. I can't say I understand this kind of thing, to be honest. What I do know is that if your current girlfriend found out, she'd be very shocked.

 

It sounds like you have compulsions you can't really control that affect your relationships. This isn't the first from what you say. Maybe you need to talk to a sex counsellor or something before all this ruins your current relationship.

 

Has it caused you problems in relationships before?

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
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I can't bring myself to permanently delete it. Not yet. I know that I will when my girlfriend and I get engaged, because I simply won't embark on a second marriage with this secret. Perhaps the burning question inside me is "Why? Why can I not let go of Lisa?" Is is because subconsciously I feel so deeply connected to her that I can't completely sever the tie?

 

Maybe to keep some distance from your girlfriend. One foot is out the door....

 

I really doubt this is about Lisa at all. It's a fantasy, an escape, a fix.

 

Is your relationship fulfilling? Be honest with yourself.

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love lover Member

love lover

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I really appreciate the perspectives. There's nobody I feel comfortable telling all of this to.

 

Lisa knows I have pictures and videos. She knows how I use them and she likes it. Nevertheless, I think you make such an important point. By fantasizing and fetishizibg her, I see that I'm creating a barrier between me and the woman I love. I have to throw it all away. I know I do.

 

To the other comment: Yes. I have had many relationships that ended. No. I don't have intimacy issues. I think I've made some bad choices in women, and I think I have been hurt deeply by being with some toxic yet exciting partners.

 

Thank you for taking time to give me feedback. I'm anxious to see if other people will comment. It's so valuable to get other people's perspective.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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If you don't have intimacy issues then why do you purposely sabotage a good thing by the way you participate? What would you call that if its not intimacy issues?

 

Bingo. Out of all the options one has for handling a previous relationship, you're chosing the path most likely to interfere with your current one.

 

Why do you think that is :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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I would argue you do have intimacy issues. You kept Lisa at arm's length when you were with her, you are now keeping your current girlfriend at arm's length by having the ghost of Lisa in the middle. You seem to like the triangle dynamic and should deep dive that.

 

I would go to therapy. And I would not plan to marry until you are ready to be completely honest and transparent with your girlfriend and you two do couples counseling. You are setting up to have an affair as you have the beginnings of one right now. Not a good start at all.

 

Have you ever been completely open and honest in a relationship or do you feel you show sides of yourself? Hedge or manipulate events/emotions?

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love lover Member

love lover

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I have deep, life long issues with loss, abandonment, tragedy, etc. I know that it gets me in trouble and that I push people away. I believe I have chosen partners that needed rescuing. I live with the expectation that nothing will last, and most everyone I've known in my life was just transitional. They were in my life for a limited number of years and then they were gone.

 

I know I had a lot to do with each ending. I know that the relative isolation I live with is my own doing. I have loved, I have been a loyal friend, I have always been good to my family. Always been responsible. Stable. Sober. Healthy. But when it comes to long term, life long relationships...I can count them on one hand.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Well what you are doing is like playing with an unexploded bomb, with two women likely to be furious at you if they find out. What drives you to play with fire like that?

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love lover Member

love lover

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I would argue you do have intimacy issues. You kept Lisa at arm's length when you were with her, you are now keeping your current girlfriend at arm's length by having the ghost of Lisa in the middle. You seem to like the triangle dynamic and should deep dive that.

 

I would go to therapy. And I would not plan to marry until you are ready to be completely honest and transparent with your girlfriend and you two do couples counseling. You are setting up to have an affair as you have the beginnings of one right now. Not a good start at all.

 

Have you ever been completely open and honest in a relationship or do you feel you show sides of yourself? Hedge or manipulate events/emotions?

 

I don't like the triangle at all. Yes, I have been open and honest in relationships. That doesn't mean I tell my partners everything I'm thinking, or fantasizing about. To me that is not the best route to a happy relationship either.

 

With each of these women I have had some concerns, and I have paid close attention to the things that have been obstacles or challenges within each relationship. I'm not about to commit to marriage, and a lifetime commitment unless I feel its right. I suppose I have selfishly kept both options open because I don't know yet. But at least I'm not two-timing anyone and I'm keeping my actions of indulgence limited to fantasies.

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love lover Member

love lover

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Then why don't you quit dating any woman and work on yourself? Quit rescuing women - maybe after therapy where you get honest about your internal issues - you might be healthier and capable of choosing a healthy woman to date.

 

Like energy attracts... Work on being the best you can be...without a distraction of needing a woman to validate you.

 

I know that's popular opinion but my relationship is strong, and gets stronger all the time. I don't need to be alone, I don't want to be alone, and my girlfriend does not need to be rescued. We compliment each other really well.

 

It's not a cut and dry decision, nor is my "habit" such a mitigating factor. It's perhaps just something I have yet to close the book on in my perverted head.

ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
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I have deep, life long issues with loss, abandonment, tragedy, etc. I know that it gets me in trouble and that I push people away. I believe I have chosen partners that needed rescuing. I live with the expectation that nothing will last, and most everyone I've known in my life was just transitional. They were in my life for a limited number of years and then they were gone.

 

I know I had a lot to do with each ending. I know that the relative isolation I live with is my own doing. I have loved, I have been a loyal friend, I have always been good to my family. Always been responsible. Stable. Sober. Healthy. But when it comes to long term, life long relationships...I can count them on one hand.

 

I have horrible issues too. Tons of hardships, loss, abandonment, blah blah blah.

 

But I don't treat people the way you're treating these two women. Stop justifying. It doesn't matter what kind of friend you are or what kind of boyfriend you've been in the past. Right now, in this specific situation, you're being terribly selfish.

 

Is that really who you want to be?

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love lover Member

love lover

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I have horrible issues too. Tons of hardships, loss, abandonment, blah blah blah.

 

But I don't treat people the way you're treating these two women. Stop justifying. It doesn't matter what kind of friend you are or what kind of boyfriend you've been in the past. Right now, in this specific situation, you're being terribly selfish.

 

Is that really who you want to be?

 

Absolutely not. I'm moving away from this behavior. This exposure and feedback here has helped me a great deal. I was in denial. This morning though, I deleted several pictures before leaving on a business trip, and in addition to that I didn't bring any "content" with Lisa at all. I'm definitely making this change happen. It's a weight off my shoulders, but I still have work to do.

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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Well you're hardly going to get over her while you are making collages, audio's and listening to her say 'suck' (or whatever word it is) all night while you sleep. Just saying an obsession has to be fed, if you stop doing those things you might find she goes away. ;)

Fair Established Member

Fair

Posted
Posted
I have deep, life long issues with loss, abandonment, tragedy, etc. I know that it gets me in trouble and that I push people away. I believe I have chosen partners that needed rescuing. I live with the expectation that nothing will last, and most everyone I've known in my life was just transitional. They were in my life for a limited number of years and then they were gone.

 

I know I had a lot to do with each ending. I know that the relative isolation I live with is my own doing. I have loved, I have been a loyal friend, I have always been good to my family. Always been responsible. Stable. Sober. Healthy. But when it comes to long term, life long relationships...I can count them on one hand.

 

Classic unavailable man, in my opinion. When you have one, you want the other and vise versa... neither woman is the right one for you and you won't find one who is until you sort yourself out.

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Fair Established Member

Fair

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And by the way, if the woman you're with knows about your fetish for the other woman and likes it, as you say, then she's not very emotionally bound to you, either. If you think she is then you don't know anything about women.

 

But that's typical in these situations... emotionally unavailable types attract emotionally unavailable types. That's just how it goes...

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Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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But when it comes to long term, life long relationships...I can count them on one hand.

 

Funny how we usually get what we think we deserve.

 

Certainly seems like you'd benefit from discussion with a therapist...

 

Mr. Lucky

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love lover Member

love lover

Posted
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I have horrible issues too. Tons of hardships, loss, abandonment, blah blah blah.

 

But I don't treat people the way you're treating these two women. Stop justifying. It doesn't matter what kind of friend you are or what kind of boyfriend you've been in the past. Right now, in this specific situation, you're being terribly selfish.

 

Is that really who you want to be?

 

No. That's not who I want to be. I would think that's obvious based on me posting this topic in the first place. I realize there is a lot wrong with what I'm doing, and there is more to the story of course.

 

I formed attachments that have left me needing therapy, without question. I'm using this forum to hear what other people think, to open myself up for both support and criticism. I'm trying to face it. Face myself.

 

I see I'm not finding much sympathy here. I imagine I just seem like a selfish childish misogenist. Admittedly I have been selfish but I love the women I know and I would NEVER want to harm to them or anyone. The times that I have hurt others causes me deep sadness and regret. So I'm not a sociopath either. No, I'm a man trying to juggle all that life demands of me, while I raise my kids, do my work, and try to make this brief life happy and purposeful.

 

Unfortunately after a brutal divorce two years ago, I find myself in a tough situation, trying to soothe myself, trying to let go of attachments, and be ready and confident enough about my relationship, and to trust my ability to make a good decision about my future.

Edited by love lover
SexyPenguin Member

SexyPenguin

Posted
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I think you need therapy. The honest kind. The kind that hurts. It tends to be the most successful.

 

Well done on deleting some Lisa content. We will call this a success when you delete it all, go NC with Lisa and focus on your wellbeing and current GF and making it work. If it still doesn't happen she just wasnt the right one but at least you may have solved some of your issues.

 

Its scary letting go of things that give us pleasure and comfort - even when we know they are bad for us. However by letting these things go and learning to be the best version of ourselves we come closer to being happy.

 

You said you have kids, and if you are gonna someday introduce a new woman into their life - make sure you are good to that woman so they can see real love even in a modern family.

 

You have made the right first step. Now is the time to stay strong and carry through these actions of destroying Lisa content and contact and working on yourself and your real relationship.

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