He can't decide me & his first love. Should I let him go?

[BronzeBlondbigirl]

So, backstory, first. Our relationship was rocky for three years but as rocky as it was with arguments & trying to change one another, I fell in love with him & I believed he was in love with me until he left me & moved out last year. The breakup weekend started because I was fed up with him always leaving me alone. That weekend he went on vacation with his best friend & this girl he befriended but I only met like twice. Then I threaten to throw him out & the next day he & his things were gone.

 

For 11 months I went through such pain & heart ache. Out those months we had 2 months of no contact. The times we did contact I was begging & crying for him to give me another chance & he was cold. Even though he hurt me, he left & I am the one constantly crying & begging I felt I treated him wrong by arguing with him for three years.

 

Finally by July I moved back into my own place, got a better job & started to cry less. At this time the contact was just pleasant. But I always ended the call with I love you. We even saw each other a few times before but it was tense. Then he had to find a new place to live but wanted to keep saving to buy a house so I asked him again to stay with me under the understanding of us building a future together, but not racing into a relationship and try to better for one another.

 

Things are going good, I am trying to show him that I can be a better partner for him & that I am financially ok that includes not letting him pay rent. I buy most of the food for dinner & such.

 

Then on Labor Day we were talking & I said I trusted him but then he got quite & told me that since we broke up he started talking to his first love again while she was getting a divorce. That he & she thought they could try again. Then he said she stopped talking to him because she wanted her ex husband again. He was hurt again by her. Then he moved in with me & a month later she called again to say the divorce is final & she is done with her ex husband & she wants a chance & wants to meet again.

 

So he tells me he is confused between us. That I have been great these last two months & he knows I am in love with him & he loves me & that I am great woman & I am better than I was but he needs to find out what/ who he really wants. Even then I was shocked, then hurt. We argued for the first time since we have been living together & he brings up the past & the fact we are not together. That he is afraid I will be that same negative person again & I don't love myself . That I am giving up before he get answers or "closure" as he calls it.

 

I wanted to tell him **** off but as he does after that arguement he asked to trust him & he has my heart so I wanted to show I am not giving up. He said the words "To fight for him & not give in". But he wouldn't tell me when he was leaving either to see her because he said I would just get upset.

 

Yesterday he left & I found out from his friend he will be gone a week with this girl. Then I found a letter she written him in his bag he never leaves behind claiming how she wants a future with him, how she's changed & see him as a soulmate. I cried but just more hurt than anything. I feel like he is using me. I feel like option 2. My friends totally agree. If I let him go this time it's for good. I am scared of losing him forever. If he choose that other girl then it's nothing I can do but I don't know about giving up before he makes his choice. He has all the power, I know but "what if" he chooses me. But I am confused because I am not choosing myself because of my fear of losing him.

 

So, just to have some relief, does anyone think I should let him go and kick him out when he gets back? Or should I hear him out when he get back? What do you think if he still can't make up his mind? I am so in love but now I tell myself it's been a year & still he can't decided if want to continue a love life with me & he treats me like this with another woman. It's disrespectful. But I want to be understanding, I want his 100 percent love. I want him to choose me but I need to choose myself he can't decide. I can't decide. Maybe I have answered my question but my heart may get in the way. I just would like to hear from somebody that went through the same.

 

Thanks for reading & answering in advance.

Edited September 25, 2016 by BronzeBlondbigirl
Had to

[Survivor12]

Yes, I have been in your shoes, and I will never again tolerate being a "candidate" for anyone's affection.

 

Of course he's been using you. If he weren't, he would have insisted on paying his share & he wouldn't be leaving you alone while he's off chasing other women.

 

Do yourself a favor. Don't wait for him to return. Pack up his stuff & ask a friend to deliver it to his parents or another friend. You don't owe him an explanation or a chance to try to change your mind. He knows how weak you are & how to play you.

 

End it now. You don't need his blessing or permission.

[Formerfiveo]

Why is everything about his needs? What about YOUR needs?

 

You argued with him about leaving you alone during the 3 years you were together, and it sounds like he's still doing that.

 

You're here doing all the work while he gets to "be confused" and have time to "decide what he wants." It must be nice to be him and have 2 women in love with him, fighting for his affection.

 

Bunch of BS. He's manipulating you completely.

 

Kick him out but do NOT leave the door open for him to return IF/WHEN he finally does decide. Don't let him make the decision for you.

 

Take control of your life. Be strong! You can do it, and you're worth more than just being an option.

[AT15]

The hard truth is he doesn't want to be with you. He has already chosen this "first love", and if it were not her, in the future it may be someone else. He doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. If he did he would have NEVER left. Give your heart a break. Take that love and energy that you have poured onto him and invest it into yourself.

 

It will take time to heal. But little by little you will regain your Self Respect. Don't beat yourself up about the past. Every day is a new beginning. Think of it this way: the only person between you and him is him.

 

I would try to leave it alone. No arguing. Find your center. And calmly tell him, I'm going to fall back and let you do you. And let that be the end of it.

 

A man you jumps from pillow to bed post is not stable and probably won't be for years to come.

 

Rebuild yourself. One step at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. And honestly, the pain and memories will fade.

 

P.S. I just told the guy who has been yoyoing me that I'm falling back. No more. And you know what, if it wasn't his sugar momma that was in the way, it would be someone else. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't love me enough. And that's cool. I know it. Now what am I going to do about it? Move on. I'm still beautiful with lots of suitors. My king will find me.

[AT15]

I swear, the things we women do to hold on to a man.., he should be whisking you away for week, f@)k him!

[Satu]

Send him this message:

 

 

"You've told me that you can't make your mind up about who you want to be with, so I've made that decision for you. Please do not contact me. Goodbye."

 

Then get on with shaping your life into something beautiful.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Satu

[BronzeBlondbigirl]

Thanks everyone for answering. It really helps. I called him & gave him an ultimatum calmly & explained myself. Because I won't be an option. We will see how it goes.

[Redhead14]

Thanks everyone for answering. It really helps. I called him & gave him an ultimatum calmly & explained myself. Because I won't be an option. We will see how it goes.

 

I called him & gave him an ultimatum calmly & explained myself. Because I won't be an option. We will see how it goes. -- All you've done by doing this is give him an OPTION . . .

 

If you don't want to be an option, remove yourself as an option. End it now . . .

[eightytwenty]

My opinion... You are making everything too easy on him, he should be doing nice things for you. Get his stuff out, get him out of your life and move on. He's using you and honestly sounds like hes doing it to the other girl also. You aren't having sex with him right?

[BlueIris]

Send him this message:

 

 

"You've told me that you can't make your mind up about who you want to be with, so I've made that decision for you. Please do not contact me. Goodbye."

 

Then get on with shaping your life into something beautiful.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

 

Exactly this^^.

 

How what goes? Cut him off. You decide your life. He doesn't.