Is he not that into me?

[Miss Spider]

I met a man on a dating site. At first I told him in not ready for a relationship. I have trust issues from being hurt in the past. We have really opppsite schedules so only date weekends but our dates last hours. I am not great at keeping in touch outside of dates, but he was good about communication so he sometimes thought I was mad at him.

We got along well even though reserved(both shy). We kissed on first date. I was beginning to fall for him so I told him and he said he is too. I was trying to keep it more physical because of my trust issues. For example, I said I would like to stay in and just hang out and kiss but he would push to go out on dates and hold hand instead.

 

Date 3, I touched him a little sexually but stopped and said sleep. We went to sleep cuddling. The next morning he was affectionate but I felt some awkwardness. Like he was disappointed no sex. I took off quickly and made it it a point to never spent the night just sleeping again even though he asked. (Except once I accidentally fell asleep but I woke him at 1 to leave.) I texted him to tell him with cuddling and flowers and getting feelings, I'm looking for a relationship. Not something casual. He said he's not "necessarily " looking for something casual either. But that was it. No talk of together and remove profiles. I said I didn't trust him. We spent the whole day texting about this. So much drama for three (albeit long)dates. but he kept argued. He then went to sleep and I said I didn't trust him bye. .

 

I felt bad and that maybe I should have given it more time. I said sorry and we made up but he said I had to learn to trust him. After that I notice he is on the dating site about bidaily when I'm not talking him. Yeah it's not cool, but it's public, so. I was offended and guard up. I deleted my profile not because of him but because I don't like online dating and told him this on our date.. He said he only visits sometimes.

 

After 5 dates, date at his friend wedding planned, and still no movement, I initiated the "talk". I asked, " do you feel about me and what do you want?" I explained I won't have sex with him until relationship / gf. I emphasized this cause I want to have sex with him asap but I will not compromise my values. He said although he'd love to have sex with me , he doesn't care about that, and he's "not sure what he wants" he explained he has this very casual attitude about life and just going with flow but he's into me and he really wants to get to know my more and everything about me. But he said he's only been seeing me and have all his attention...

 

This upset me so I said if you don't want to be my bf then I need to back up and keep in touch, but can't see him.. He said he never said he didn't want to be my bf. I said forget it. He said I was "confusing" (I was pretty direct I think ). I said maybe in the future if he doesn't find someone more compatible we can try again. He asked if I was just keeping him as an option and told him no I won't be dating anyone. I'm not sure about the whole thing anymore and just wanna go slow but still talk. He agreed.

 

Right now it seems over and it hurts because I did get feelings. But I don't know if I was unfair because of my trust issues or my instincts were right. Part of me wants to see him again but another feels like he feels he conquered so he's done and just stringing me along/will never be what I want.

[basil67]

His reaction makes perfect sense to me: You aren't ready to be dating and he can see this clearly.

 

It would have been foolish of him to wait around for a relationship with a woman who wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

It would have been foolish of him to date a woman who has trust issues from the past which she's letting impact the relationship.

 

And while it's totally your right to delay sex till you are in a relationship, it's not fair to date a man when you're not ready for a relationship and expect him to put himself on hold for whenever you may be ready.

 

Stop dating till you're ready for a relationship.

[Zahara]

When you're first getting to know someone and you're dating, it should be fun. But you bring drama to the table because you're still dealing with your insecurities and it's unfair for anyone to have to deal with your past. I would have stepped back from you as well because no one wants to get into a relationship with someone who starts of with blatant accusations of not being able to trust the other only after a few dates. It's a turn off. He's probably cautious of you. Just from your post alone you sound like you're on a path to self-sabotaging. And you seem defensive. I'm sure he can sense the same from you.

 

Stay away from dating sites if you have trust issues and aren't ready for relationships. Invest your time in yourself, making friends, getting involved in activities you're passionate about etc. Dating should be off the list when you're still wounded.

[Gaeta]

You have no business on a dating site. You have trust issues and are not ready or capable of having a functioning relationship no matter the kind of relationship. You'll be on there wasting men's time over and over again.

 

You need to be off of there and to be working on yourself. You don't need to drag anyone else in your drama.

[introverted1]

OP, this is way too much. Dating is a process where you get to know each other... calmly... rationally. It's fine to have a boundary that says you don't sleep with men you are not in an exclusive relationship with. But once you've articulated that, the next steps should NOT be to badger him into becoming exclusive, nor to press him about how he feels about you.

 

Agreed with the others that, if oyu are not ready to date, you should not be on dating sites. It is not the job of new prospects to heal you from past dating problems that have crept into your present. It's your job to do the self-work needed so that you bring your best, healthy self to a potential relationship.

[Lorenza]

I agree with others - there's way too much drama after such a short period of time.

 

You are indecisive and sending very confusing messages to that guy. Definitely not ready to date again.

 

I have now come to a conclusion that it should be smooth and unambiguous in the beginning, if you indeed are ready to commit and have met a guy who also is.

 

If there already are stuff to argue about and stuff to "fix", it's not meant to be.

 

Take time to heal your wounds first.

[Miss Spider]

Thanks for the responses:( I know I have issues. I don't mean to be this way. Do you guys think there's anything I can do at this point to try again with him, even with time? Or just count my loss.. was he never that into me since the beginning?beginnings beginning?

[Zahara]

Thanks for the responses:( I know I have issues. I don't mean to be this way. Do you guys think there's anything I can do at this point to try again with him, even with time? Or just count my loss.. was he never that into me since the beginning?beginnings beginning?

 

He's on a dating site. He's not going to be sitting there waiting for you so chances are in time you as well will likely be in a different headspace after you have healed and feeling open to meeting more people, rather than just this one guy that you met in the past.

[smackie9]

Like everyone said, it's a process......I agree he backed off knowing you were just not emotionally ready for any potential relationship. You need more time and he is going to move on. It wasn't meant to be. At this point it doesn't matter if he was or wasn't into you.....

[Miss Spider]

This guy is still giving me mixed signals. I already told him I'm not having sex without an exclusive relationship. He wants to to "get to know me "(been 5 dates, minimal communication because I'm shy) before a relationship but it's possible in the future. I told him since he doesn't want to date me or be my boyfriend I can't be sexual with him then and he said, "I never said I didn't want to be your boyfreind. It's fine, I'm in no rush. We're taking it at your pace." So were set to meet up again but I'm seriously contemplating skipping this one as much as I like him. Does he think I'll just cave? Is he happy with the "messing around"/cuddling we're doing?? Am I wasting my time if my end goal is to have sex with him but only under my conditions?

[Larryville]

When he realizes that you are serious about your stance he will bail, but that would be good for you.

 

As someone said here before there is NO such thing as “mixed messages”

 

Stand your ground and maintain your self-respect. Too many women cave because they feel they have no choice.

[preraph]

You lost me. What is wrong? He said he is agreeable to just dating you to get to know you. To me, it sounds like you want to have sex NOW, but only if he says the words "we're exclusive." That makes no sense to me since you barely know him. Are you trying to get him to not date other women while he's just getting to know you? Or are you trying to get him to have sex now before you've gotten to know him but you want to be official even though you don't know each other well?

 

You should both keep dating other people until you see if you even like each other enough to be bf/gf.

[katiegrl]

 

Too many women cave because they feel they have no choice.

 

You make it sound like having sex is some sort of a reward for a guy sticking around. You stick around, give me a RL, I will agree to have sex.

 

What a manipulation!

 

I dunno, for me I "cave" cause I am damn attracted to him and as such I can't wait to have sex with him!

 

Isn't that how it should be? Two people meet, there is chemistry, an attraction and they act on that.

 

OP, you are either attracted to him or you're not. If you are, why wait?

 

To prove a point? To show he "values" you?

 

Lemme tell ya, it doesn't matter how long you wait, if ALL a guy wants is sex, once he gets it, he's gonna bolt.

 

And he WILL wait in many cases, because he sees it as a challenge.

 

So either way you are taking a chance, a risk.

 

I have said this before but there are NEVER any guarantees when it comes to dating. It's all a risk, no matter how long you wait for sex.

 

If you're not up to the risk, then IMO you have no business dating.

 

What you are doing IMHO is a form of manipulation.

 

You give me a relationship, I give you sex.

 

That is so wrong on so many levels.

 

Best of luck though.

[Larryville]

Too many women cave because they feel they have no choice.

You make it sound like having sex is some sort of a reward for a guy sticking around. You stick around, give me a RL, I will agree to have sex.

What a manipulation!

I dunno, for me I "cave" cause I am damn attracted to him and as such I can't wait to have sex with him!

Isn't that how it should be? Two people meet, there is chemistry, an attraction and they act on that.

 

OP, you are either attracted to him or you're not. If you are, why wait?

 

K she clearly stated:

 

I already told him I'm not having sex without an exclusive relationship.

 

Everything else is irrelevant.

 

The vast majority of dudes just want to screw and the will sometimes whatever the hell they need to do to get some, until they get tired or bored.

 

So when you have someone like OP that states she has specific values all I’m saying is stick to her core values. Don't cave because some dude wants to manipulate.

 

If some women just want to screw any dude who she is attracted to then fine. OP obviously values herself more than just screwing every random dude on freaking dating apps.

[leogirl876]

There's no such thing as mixed signals, he's not really into you, and he'll bail after you have sex. Trust me on this one, been there, done that. The worst feeling is when a guy ghosts you after sex, not cool and feels horrible. If he's giving you mixed signals, he'll ghost you after he gets what he wants. Protect your heart!

[katiegrl]

 

If some women just want to screw any dude who she is attracted to then fine. OP obviously values herself more than just screwing every random dude on freaking dating apps.

 

Well speaking personally, I don't become "attracted to" men all that easily, in fact it's very very rare.

 

And when I do, then yeah I am gonna have sex with him. I don't play the "waiting game" to prove a point or to prove I am "valuable."

 

I KNOW I am valuable no matter when sex occurs. That is the vibe I give off, which he can't help but notice and sense, and as such, he values me too.

 

I don't have to manipulate or play games to show him I am valuable. In fact, he may value me MORE for not playing the waiting game....

 

In virtually all my RLs where early sex happened, it led to a long term RL.

 

In fact, I had sex with my ex the first night we met! And we were together six years.

 

If she wants to wait for exclusivity, that is her prerogative.

 

All I am saying is that a guy may think or tell her he wants to be exclusive.... but once he has sex with her, THAT could all change anyway.... because many men don't even know what they want until sex occurs. Just read these boards, this has been discussed ad nauseum!

 

For many men (NOT all), it's sex FIRST, then he decides whether or not he wants a RL.

 

It's the exact opposite of what women want -- RL first, then sex.

 

No wonder men and women are having such a time tough coming together these days.

 

So many games, so much manipulation, on both sides!

 

I say, heck if two people feel the chemistry, and are strongly "attracted to" each other (different from merely finding someone attractive).... then go for it! Take the risk. And enjoy!

 

Relax, don't overthink, have fun and see what develops!

 

From experience that is when the best RLs develop. When the expectations are low, and the manipulations are ZERO.

 

Just have fun and see what develops for heaven's sake. Stop with the games.

 

Sex should not be used as some sort of a bargaining chip... and this holds true for both genders.

Edited September 30, 2016 by katiegrl

[Miss Spider]

I didn't mean to shame anyone sexual choices. People should have sex whenever they want, but I don't think it manipulative to tell someone you are waiting until a relationship. It's my decision and if he doesn't like that he can find someone to have sexy with tonight. I just happen to be virgin (which he knows), and since I'm likely to remember it, I would like my first time to be with someone who considers me worthy of committing to a relationship with. Even if it doesn't lead to happily ever after, it will still be a finder memory than a fwb or something.

[katiegrl]

I didn't mean to shame anyone sexual choices. People should have sex whenever they want, but I don't think it manipulative to tell someone you are waiting until a relationship. It's my decision and if he doesn't like that he can find someone to have sexy with tonight. I just happen to be virgin (which he knows), and since I'm likely to remember it, I would like my first time to be with someone who considers me worthy of committing to a relationship with. Even if it doesn't lead to happily ever after, it will still be a finder memory than a fwb or something.

 

Fair enough hun... didn't intend to shame you either (if that's what I did).

 

You do what's right and comfortable for YOU.

 

Fingers crossed this works out for you!

[Gaeta]

This guy is still giving me mixed signals. I already told him I'm not having sex without an exclusive relationship. He wants to to "get to know me "(been 5 dates, minimal communication because I'm shy) before a relationship but it's possible in the future. I told him since he doesn't want to date me or be my boyfriend I can't be sexual with him then and he said, "I never said I didn't want to be your boyfreind. It's fine, I'm in no rush. We're taking it at your pace." So were set to meet up again but I'm seriously contemplating skipping this one as much as I like him. Does he think I'll just cave? Is he happy with the "messing around"/cuddling we're doing?? Am I wasting my time if my end goal is to have sex with him but only under my conditions?

 

So does he want to be your BF or date you? it's not clear.

 

Sweetie, if you are a virgin than skip the messing around with him. Go out with him and get to know him. You 2 can do that with his hands outside of your pants.

 

Messing around is a dangerous game. It will put you in a state it will be difficult to say no and you'll end up having sex at the wrong time with the wrong person. Also 'messing around' is much harder to stop for a man than it is for a woman. Once a man is hard he will do anything, say anything to get to his end. One day it will be too much for him to handle and he'll pressure you. It's also very unfair to excite a man than send him home with blue balls.

 

So date him, kiss and cuddle but keep your clothes on. If he cannot handle that for the length of time you need than NEXT.

[Space Ritual]

This guy is still giving me mixed signals. I already told him I'm not having sex without an exclusive relationship. He wants to to "get to know me "(been 5 dates, minimal communication because I'm shy) before a relationship but it's possible in the future. I told him since he doesn't want to date me or be my boyfriend I can't be sexual with him then and he said, "I never said I didn't want to be your boyfreind. It's fine, I'm in no rush. We're taking it at your pace." So were set to meet up again but I'm seriously contemplating skipping this one as much as I like him. Does he think I'll just cave? Is he happy with the "messing around"/cuddling we're doing?? Am I wasting my time if my end goal is to have sex with him but only under my conditions?

 

 

Sadly, I am afraid that you are pretty much wasting your time.

 

I am saying his from the perspective of someone that is an admitted Cretin of the lowest order.

 

Yes he thinks you are going to cave. Most of us guys are pretty impatient with sex, an d probably after Five dates he is about at the end of his rope. I know for some this sounds awful, but it is what it is.

 

He will be more than happy to give you a nice story about how he will accept your wishes, because that's easier than him saying "Look, you are not giving the poonany up so I'm outta here"

 

But it's what he is thinking. And he is thinking the time with you is short. He probably s not going to invest much more in this situation. It's just how we guys are.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but I figure you'd rather hear the truth than have smoke blown up your dress. Because that is exactly what he is trying to do with you. So unless he thinks your vagina is lined with Mink and Diamonds, he will soon move on to easier prey. The work he put into getting you in the sack already has not paid off for him, so I imagine this will come to a head fairly soon

 

Again, my apologies for being blunt, but if it seems too good to be true, there is a reason why...We guys like to put on the "I'm different than all the other guys"...and we are just as full of shyte as you ladies perceive us to be. lol

 

Good Luck.

[Miss Spider]

Sadly, I think you are right!

 

What makes me the most confused about the entire thing at the end is that he is willing lie and say he wants to get to know me as a person and that about more than sex, only to take my virginity and ditch me. Yet, he's too sanctimonious to lie and say we're bf/gf. I mean it's bf/gf... not a lifelong commitment... he could of taken my virginity and just said sorry it's not working out like a week later, but no, he's willing to walk away before stooping to that lol

 

Just..man logic. Thanks

[Miss Spider]

Thanks to everyone:)

[preraph]

Sadly, I think you are right!

 

What makes me the most confused about the entire thing at the end is that he is willing lie and say he wants to get to know me as a person and that about more than sex, only to take my virginity and ditch me. Yet, he's too sanctimonious to lie and say we're bf/gf. I mean it's bf/gf... not a lifelong commitment... he could of taken my virginity and just said sorry it's not working out like a week later, but no, he's willing to walk away before stooping to that lol

 

Just..man logic. Thanks

 

You haven't gone out with him long enough to become officially gf/bf!! You barely know each other. You are being very premature. Give the guy 3 months to decide if he wants to make a commitment or not and by then maybe you'll know if he's trustworthy or if you want to have sex with him or not. You're moving way too fast for someone who expects to get respect for being a virgin. So if he said "okay exclusive" today, you're ready to have sex with him tonight after only 5 dates?????

[katiegrl]

You haven't gone out with him long enough to become officially gf/bf!! You barely know each other. You are being very premature. Give the guy 3 months to decide if he wants to make a commitment or not and by then maybe you'll know if he's trustworthy or if you want to have sex with him or not. You're moving way too fast for someone who expects to get respect for being a virgin. So if he said "okay exclusive" today, you're ready to have sex with him tonight after only 5 dates?????

 

I agree, and there was also this from him.

 

"I never said I didn't want to be your boyfriend. It's fine, I'm in no rush. We're taking it at your pace."

 

What more do you need from the guy? He is willing to wait for heaven's sake.

 

So just date and if he starts getting pushy for sex, then maintain your boundaries and say no!

 

You are in control here you know... no one else.

[preraph]

I think she wants to be engaged before she even dates a guy or something.