purplesoccer34 Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 I came across a blog post recently that said that many people place more importance on chemistry than is necessary, and I found that interesting. Ever since I was a teen, I've been attracted to the same type of guy--confident, outgoing, naturally charming, tall, and having an athletic build. These were the types I dated through my late teens and early twenties, and it never ended well for me. I'm in my mid-twenties now, and as I'm meeting guys online, I'm finding myself going through this same pattern. Very recently, I dated a guy who fit this mold. When I met him, he was so charming that I felt like I was smitten within minutes of meeting him--I just couldn't get enough of him, and the chemistry was intense. So when he just disappeared from my life after a month of dating, I was devastated. This is when I thought that I should try a different approach, so I most recently went on a date with a guy who was the exact opposite of him. Tall, thin, reserved, slightly awkward, and very book-smart. No, he wasn't as instantly charming as the first guy, but he was a better listener, and I could tell that he is an incredibly caring guy. I had a lot of fun talking to him--it felt like we had much in common, and a similar sense of humor. The only problem was that I didn't feel chemistry. With the first guy, I couldn't wait to see him again after the first date. When he held my hand, I felt instant sparks, and I could never stop thinking about him. I don't feel this way about the second guy. While I admired him as a person, I had no desire to hold his hand or any such thing. I hardly find myself thinking about him at all. But I don't know...If I got to know him better, could chemistry develop over time?
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 Your different approach shouldn't be to stop dating the types of men you are attracted to, the change should be in reeling in your emotions and expectations when you do first meet a man you find attractive. By keeping your feelings and attraction in check and focusing more on his character and what he shows you on who he is, you can make better decisions for yourself that don't require settling for an attractive but non-boyfriend material man. You need to learn to pace yourself so that you can weed out the ones that aren't good for you. 3
Ami1uwant Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 You Re looking at chemistry=lust... Chemistry actually comes from learning about the other person and developing a deeper bond that takes time. I have a feeling nerd guy you dated wasn't given much of a shot. 4
smudge21 Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 Yeah, it seems you are confusing chemistry with those other feelings we get when we start getting into someone we find attractive. You said it yourself, the second guy wasn't your type - ie: he didn't fall into that group that you consider attractive, so therefore he simply didn't turn you on. Because of that, despite how well you got along, you had a wall up and there's no way it was coming down. We create standards for ourselves; people who we always go for. Doesn't matter if these people are good or bad, they're just what we're used to and always seem to fall for. I do it with emotionally unavailable people. I have friends who do it with the usual "bad boy" type (then wonder why they always get hurt). Sadly breaking that standard isn't easy but maybe you need to recognize when your hormones are kicking in and then try to hold them off so you can get to know the person better before you fall for them.
Gaeta Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 ...If I got to know him better, could chemistry develop over time? This is how I met my boyfriend after a long long history of dating hot guys. I was used to super hot dudes, younger, pretty faces and it never went beyond the 1-2 months. When I met my boyfriend I thought he was too tall, too thin, he had hair (I had a thing for bald men) and of course I didn't feel that spark everyone is yapping about. He was so polite, nice and kind, interesting, funny, when he called for a 2nd date I went. On that second date I liked him a little more but his skinniness bothered me still, then on 3rd date he kissed me and most my hung ups disappeared. I never thought him kissing me would change the state of my heart but it did. We have now been dating for close to a year. He is the same gentleman he was a year ago when I met him, this is the relationship I wanted and even more. I actually didn't think men like him existed. There is no words to explain how happy I am I didn't turn him down on our first date like I had planned. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 This is how I met my boyfriend after a long long history of dating hot guys. I was used to super hot dudes, younger, pretty faces and it never went beyond the 1-2 months. When I met my boyfriend I thought he was too tall, too thin, he had hair (I had a thing for bald men) and of course I didn't feel that spark everyone is yapping about. He was so polite, nice and kind, interesting, funny, when he called for a 2nd date I went. On that second date I liked him a little more but his skinniness bothered me still, then on 3rd date he kissed me and most my hung ups disappeared. I never thought him kissing me would change the state of my heart but it did. We have now been dating for close to a year. He is the same gentleman he was a year ago when I met him, this is the relationship I wanted and even more. I actually didn't think men like him existed. There is no words to explain how happy I am I didn't turn him down on our first date like I had planned. I think there are lots of things to consider when dating. Timing is definitely one of them. If you're too busy ( like I am, finishing study) probably not in a position to give your all. I think people can have a good sense of intuition if they are attuned to it. If something is off, it usually means that it is. But when it comes to lustful chemistry, it usually is a veil. Chemistry can build very quickly and explode very abruptly and then die as quickly as it builds. Chemistry is not foundational and doesn't always mean " long-lasting and quality" I use to look for chemistry-instant spark- but it blinds you. Before you know it, you're in too deep, while the other has already backed out leaving you high and dry. I would rather go for the guy that doesn't offer all the physical things I find attractive initially, but offers a very stable and caring sensibility. I would rather a guy be more into me, as I think looks matter more to men than they do to woman. Chemistry for woman can build if a man pursues her respectfully and honroably. And that's the sort of thing I am looking for. Mind you, there is a line to be drawn in the sand. If you are forcing a relationship, hoping the chemistry to magically build and appear after months and months of dating, because, you have given up on love, then that too is a problem in itself too. I dated a man for four months. In my gut, I was so uncomfortable, pushing intuition aside, hoping the chemistry to magically appear out of thin air. It never did, and he ended up controlling me and I found it very hard to escape. Till recently, he still tried to pursue me, 2 years later, telling me " I was playing hard to get" even after I made my opinions very clear that we were not a good match. That was a very scary situation for me and I still try to avoid him. I have a friend who just recently has mentioned that she has known him since a teen. And that he was notorious for harassing woman back then as he is now.I would always remain faithful to that intuitive sense, but common sense as in ( not falling for chemistry every single time, is also wisdom for you )
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I think there are lots of things to consider when dating. Timing is definitely one of them. If you're too busy ( like I am, finishing study) probably not in a position to give your all. I think people can have a good sense of intuition if they are attuned to it. If something is off, it usually means that it is. But when it comes to lustful chemistry, it usually is a veil. Chemistry can build very quickly and explode very abruptly and then die as quickly as it builds. Chemistry is not foundational and doesn't always mean " long-lasting and quality" I use to look for chemistry-instant spark- but it blinds you. Before you know it, you're in too deep, while the other has already backed out leaving you high and dry. I would rather go for the guy that doesn't offer all the physical things I find attractive initially, but offers a very stable and caring sensibility. I would rather a guy be more into me, as I think looks matter more to men than they do to woman. Chemistry for woman can build if a man pursues her respectfully and honroably. And that's the sort of thing I am looking for. Mind you, there is a line to be drawn in the sand. If you are forcing a relationship, hoping the chemistry to magically build and appear after months and months of dating, because, you have given up on love, then that too is a problem in itself too. I dated a man for four months. In my gut, I was so uncomfortable, pushing intuition aside, hoping the chemistry to magically appear out of thin air. It never did, and he ended up controlling me and I found it very hard to escape. Till recently, he still tried to pursue me, 2 years later, telling me " I was playing hard to get" even after I made my opinions very clear that we were not a good match. That was a very scary situation for me and I still try to avoid him. I have a friend who just recently has mentioned that she has known him since a teen. And that he was notorious for harassing woman back then as he is now.I would always remain faithful to that intuitive sense, but common sense as in ( not falling for chemistry every single time, is also wisdom for you ) And also listen to Gaeta! she shoots straight from the hip. If anyone ever writes a book, love, loss and how to get it right, finally. It will be Gaeta. Chemistry=overrated. Long-lasting compatibility? absolutely. 1
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