It's hit me hard.....

[opal101]

Hey guys....this may be a little long...but stay with me!!

 

9 months ago, we had the most perfect relationship. We never argued, were always laughing, going on holidays, loved spending time with eachother etc. Everyone said we were made for eachother. One day my partner receives some emails, stating that 2 years previous (at the start of our relationship) I had been unfaithful with my nightmare of an ex...this is not true. The dates and times in the email were always times I was away from my partner. I denied it, because I have done nothing wrong. We argued for a couple of days. But we continued our relationship, it wasn't the same after that....always like there was an elephant in the room that no one dared to talk about. 2 months after the initial emails, it had become too much and we split. I was destroyed as I genuinely had done nothing wrong.

 

I tried NC for 2 weeks and it worked. I felt more confident and happy with myself. We arranged to meet and discussed everything, we wanted to give our relationship another go. Things were noticeably different to before. My partner was prioritising everything over our relationship, he was always going out with friends rather than seeing me. He would arrange to do things on the days he knew I was off work and could see him. Since we split, I no longer lived with him...this was extremely hard as we were used to living together and having that closeness. He no longer complimented me on anything or said anything nice to me. I don't even remember the last time he said I love you. He had changed.

 

I felt upset but I hoped maybe he wanted to punish me? Because he still believed I had cheated. This went on for another few months. Friends and relatives noticed his behaviour and said it was out of character.

 

Anyway.....fast forwarding to a month ago. I had enough...I thought I will finally prove my innocence by taking a polygraph test. I did. I passed. I was telling the truth. I also spent 104 hours (to be exact) trying to retrieve my old deleted text to show there was nothing going on with my ex and I....I had a lot of issues going on with my ex during the apparent time of infidelity. We were far from friendly. Also it showed texts from other people saying they would meet me on these specific dates. From where I was standing....it was a solid alibi.

 

I showed him everything, the polygraph test results, the text messages, even bank statements to show where I had been shopping on those specific dates etc. Anyway...He didn't say much to the polygraph test. He wanted to read all of the individual texts, so I let him. Before I let him, I said to him that once he had read these....I will be leaving as he has treated me badly for the past 6 or so months, etc, etc. All he kept saying was I had done this to us. He looked through the texts....he found nothing to back up what he believed to be true. Instead he tried to manipulate certain texts to back up his beliefs...these texts where from before I even knew him!! So once he had finished reading the texts, I ordered a taxi and I left. He was very shocked by my exit....usually i'd humiliate myself by crying and almost begging him to try again. This time I had enough and I wanted to completely shock him.

 

As I was walking away from the house he told me to cancel the taxi, I continued to walk on. He continued to shout out some stuff but I couldn't hear what he was saying. He called my phone as soon as I was in the taxi. I didn't pick up. He called me a further 2 times that night. He also sent a text message, hoping to get a reaction from me....usually I would have reacted. He text the next morning asking if I'd call him, so I did. I was very off with him on the phone. He asked why did I leave the way I did, I didn't say anything. He asked if that was it, I said I told you last night...I'm exhausted with this etc, etc. He then said he would drop my belongings to my mums house (where I am staying) I said no as I don't want him causing a scene or ruining my day off work. I said I will arrange for my stuff to be collected, and I ended the call.

 

So now, I am typing this 7 days on from that day. I have proved my innocence. I have gone to lengths that I shouldn't have had to go to. I have had no contact with him since. I can't talk to my friends about this as they are all busy with their own lives. I feel like I'm going mad....having no one to talk to

 

Sooooo I am interested in what you all think?? If you have bothered to read this far haha It's a rather long post!! But please...don't be harsh I'm still very fragile and typing this is the only thing from stopping me running over to his house now. I miss him so much

 

Thanks guys x

[DarrenB]

Factually, cheating and promiscuity is the most common relationship-killer and it can change the victim as well as the person who proceeded with the deed.

 

Even rumours, false accusations can lead to such anxiety within a person and cause so much unnecessary commotion... as you may have noticed within this relationship with your partner. They build up over a certain course of time, it looks like he definitely has reached a point where it's gotten the best of him.

 

People react very differently, to various situations, some better than others. He doesn't seem like the type of person to enjoy being within these and clearly doesn't handle them well. Like you stated, you've done EVERYTHING mentally and physically possible to show your innocence to such accusations, but sometimes it's never really enough when in hindsight it normally is and should be regardless.

 

Trust and faithfulness is something else, that both you and your lover must share. If it's not there, there's nothing valuable. There was obviously all the good perks of a healthy relationship, but the small things like you had stated can lead to such uproars and actually can destroy a person's mentality and stability emotionally.

 

People are also very stubborn, he seems like that. I can partially understand as I've been quite stubborn myself, but it isn't excusable. We're all different, and some things hurt us more than they would the other person. I think he's hurting, and has gone through with the mentality that you were in the wrong and he was waiting for the moment you would act upon it in a negative way. However, you hadn't. You attempted to help his anxiety towards this and his feelings as much as you could, but like I stated earlier it's not always enough.

 

This is quite different to your general common issues in a relationship. I will say time might heal both of you, especially him. You both just need some time to separate from each other and understand the values within the relationship you previously had, rather than the negatives. He may or may not understand at the end of it, but that's his decision of which you will be unable to change; it's proven.

 

Do take some more time for yourself, don't focus on anything but you. If he realises you were in fact the good person and trying to help, he will come back for redemption and forgiveness, of which you can either take him back with open arms or not, that's your call obviously.

 

I'm sure he'll come to his realizations which he has been denying. If not, I'm afraid there's nothing much more than you can do besides separating indefinitely. It's unfortunate but sometimes these things happen to the best of us.

 

Good luck!

[NotASkunk]

Your post really broke my heart. I have gone through a relationship where I was not believed and it is such a horrible and stressful way to live. I also took a polygraph test like you. It didn't make any difference either. I hope that you start to feel better soon. Having no contact is a good idea. He needs to have time to deal with everything as well. He probably realizes that he is in the wrong at this point but maybe he is having a hard time saying he is sorry so that you and he could move on. Some people don't have it in them to apologize, to admit they were wrong. All the best to you.

[opal101]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. I feel much better now. I know I need to focus on myself right now, but it's just so raw. I feel very let down at the moment It seems that this forum can offer support during this time, which is comforting.

 

Thank you so much guys. Very kind people.

[opal101]

I really thought I was coping ok....

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago, I did 10 days of NC...then he turned up where I am staying with my belongings. Things ended badly and I haven't contacted him since. I have been focusing on different things and I've been keeping myself busy. Last night I went to my friends birthday gathering at her house (my first social outing since break up) and I really wasn't ready. I left after a few hours and felt very very low. I have had a bad day today...feel really low

 

Just felt like I needed to tell someone.

 

Does it get easier?

[Satu]

snip

 

Does it get easier?

 

Yes, it gets much easier.

 

At three weeks, you're at a very raw stage of recovery, but that passes.

 

Be good to yourself and do lots of soothing and nurturing things.

 

A candlelight bath with lovely oils in the water.

 

Stretching and breathing.

 

Cook delicious and healthy meals.

 

Take walk on the beach or in the woods.

 

Marvel at the beauty of nature.

 

Start a journal, and write about your thoughts and feelings.

 

Catch up with some reading.

 

Listen to uplifting music.

 

Visit an art gallery.

 

NC.

 

 

You will be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[NopeNah]

I'll leave this song for you:

[Humantk]

You cant think of two things at once!

 

Its so cliche and been said a million times. I still have trouble following it everyday, but focus on you! If youre planning something, or browsing for clothes, or just playing video games chances are you'll forget for a while. And while that isnt a permenant solution. It helps get me through this rough beginning.

[Satu]

 

The words are in the video.

 

 

Take care.

[opal101]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

It's comforting to know there are genuine kind people on this forum. Makes me feel a little less lonely.

 

Your words mean a lot to me at this very lonely time in my life.

 

Thank you all x

[NopeNah]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

It's comforting to know there are genuine kind people on this forum. Makes me feel a little less lonely.

 

Your words mean a lot to me at this very lonely time in my life.

 

Thank you all x

 

I'm as "alpha" as they come..I hate that word though bu, this is a great site with some great people. Sometimes you have to read through someones "own experience" type response but, for the most part it's solid advice.