I Don't Know What Happened...

[Questions8]

I'll get right to it. Apologies if it's something of a book. Just trying to get it off my chest I guess, make sure the picture is clear...

 

I met a woman online about 6 months ago, and we fell hard for each other. after about a month or two of Skyping, I was in love. We(?) were in love. We could talk all day, and the hours flew by like they were minutes. We couldn't get enough of each other, couldn't stop grinning like idiots around each other, emailed each other constantly, and professed undying love for one another. In short, I've never been so sure of something in my life, never felt so strongly for someone. Maybe that makes me sound naive, but it wasn't my first relationship, even my first relationship that started online. Oh well. I was smitten.

 

I started saving money. Not for a visit, but for a move (okay okay, maybe planning a move without meeting first WAS naive). Her father passed away two months ago, and she's in the process of divorcing someone she'd been with for 9 years - suffice it to say, I wanted to be there for her, and the feeling was mutual, so I rushed things a bit on my end and went to see her a couple weeks ago, braving the horrors of public transportation. Nervous out of my mind, but so eager to finally meet her, so looking forward to the future we'd have.

 

It lasted three days before she asked me to leave.

 

The first meeting was as good as I could've hoped, both of us all smiles, holding her for the first time, kissing her, both wanting to be in constant contact. We stayed at her mom's the night I arrived which was perhaps a little weird, but that's where she had been staying while the divorce goes through, and I wasn't sure exactly when my bus would arrive, so we left the day open. Maybe now is the point to mention that she has serious anxiety issues, having not worked in a long time, having relied on her husband for everything for years.

 

The next day we went to the coast for a couple days, having reserved a motel room. I thought things were going well enough... I knew both of us would be nervous, likely even a little awkward, that the move, our new life, was a huge change and required some time. During our stay, I noticed she was getting more and more quiet... she's always had troubles with undiagnosed stomach pain, and it got so bad the final day that she didn't say much of anything, just dozed until it was time to checkout. The drive back was even quieter, and asking her if something was on her mind didn't get me anywhere...

 

The original plan had been to go back to her mom's, pick up some camping gear, and head back out for a few days, but it was there that she said she wanted me to leave. I was crushed, blindsided, and I still am. We sat on her bed, drying each other's tears, and then the next morning, I was on a bus. Apparently her stomach pains had been anxiety, and I was just making it worse. She said it felt weird, that she was still hung up on the divorce, that she wasn't ready, and needed time. She went from asking me not to give up on her, saying that she still thought we could work, to saying she "didn't know what the future had in store for her."

 

She kept me company on Skype on the bus ride back, though all I had were questions she couldn't answer. After being "home" for a week, I've barely talked to her at all. She emailed me once to say she's been suffering one long panic attack, that she still doesn't know what the future has in store for her, and that she feels guilty about "leaving things hanging"... gone are the "I love you/miss you"'s that had been in all our conversations before.

 

I told her I understand her not feeling ready, because I felt it too. I got that she might have unresolved issues, but what crushed me was that after 6 months of being so sure of each other, being so in love, we could fall into unknown territory in less than three days. I'm fine with waiting, being there for her while she gets through this, but for her to be so unsure of us... I feel like something must be wrong with me, that I must be some kind of monster to have shaken her certainty like that so quickly, and at the same time, I feel like I don't know the person I fell in love with, because... well, how could she doubt us, what we had, after just 3 days, if she was who I thought she was?

 

Part of me thinks (or wants to believe) that the pressure of putting the trip together, driving and making decisions combined with the newness of our relationship threw her into the anxiety, and that maybe she didn't feel "safe" starting a life with someone who didn't have a job lined up and an apartment ready when he arrived, but I honestly don't know. I don't know if I should give her space, I don't know if I should push her to remember what we had, keep trying to be there for her during this anxiety despite her pushing everyone away... the thing I was most sure of in life was turned upside down in a long weekend, and I don't know what to think or what to do.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Nobody in my circle would quite understand, so I appreciate any feedback.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened. It must have been a huge blow. You need to allow yourself time to recover from this.

 

It does rather sound as though the meeting in person made her realise she couldn't cope for some reason. Most likely she didn't feel the same about you in person as she had done online. Who knows why? Could be any of a multitude of reasons but basically she did not feel the same affection/attraction in person.

 

There is often a big difference between chatting online and personal chemistry. I know it is hard to believe that it can make so much difference as to make her change so much, but it does. I would not trust anything but several successful meetings in person. Anything before that is largely fantasy. People's mannerisms, scent, attitude, manners, all become clearer in person. This isn't to imply there is any fault with you. She could just be able to cope with a new relationship despite her hope that she might.

 

But you know, she has problems. This woman suffers severe anxiety. It is an illness. It can make people behave very unpredictably. Her husband has done a lot to help her with this. This rather suggests she doesn't cope well without him. She is still unwell and needing help by the sound of it. She does not sound capable of a normal, loving relationship while she is still in that state, however she might have convinced herself she was.

 

Please do not blame yourself. I would agree you were naive, but then so are many others and sometimes it works out fine. Impulse is what brings people together; do not blame yourself for wanting something special and going for it. I'm just sorry it didn't work out.

 

For your own sake, do not hold on to any hope about this woman. Maybe try to meet sooner next time and to understand that even if a person can see you on Skype, it is not the same as being there with them in person. I suspect this woman was overwhelmed at the reality of encouraging you. She has to take some responsibility too. If she had doubts about you, she should have expressed them.

 

Put this down as one date that didn't work out. It really is that. Things might be entirely different with someone else. Just guard your heart until you know them in person.

Edited September 24, 2016 by spiderowl

[Satu]

snip

 

Her father passed away two months ago, and *she's in the process of divorcing someone she'd been with for 9 years - suffice it to say, I wanted to be there for her, and the feeling was mutual, so I rushed things a bit on my end and went to see her a couple weeks ago, braving the horrors of public transportation. Nervous out of my mind, but so eager to finally meet her, so looking forward to the future we'd have.

 

 

*Rebound, rebound, rebound.

 

 

From my journal:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

[oldshirt]

why aren't you dating women IRL in your own location?

 

Serious question. Please give it some serious thought and then answer.

[normal person]

I don't understand. I can't really fathom how people can profess "undying love" for someone who they've never met. It just boggles my mind. Obviously the love is anything but undying, it couldn't survive a few days. It's incredibly shortsighted for you to plan your future around someone who you don't know, as the uncertainty of it all is bound to come into play. Hopefully now you know that.

 

I don't see why you have to mortgage your future a girl with whom the whole "relationship" is over a computer, and therefore very problematic and cumbersome. You've got to figure someone who pledges undying love to someone they've never met is a bit of a wild card, at the very least. As someone else said, why not just focus on women who you can meet in person? Why even put yourself through all this uncertainty and complication?

[preraph]

No one is ever anywhere near the same as you think they will be when you meet them in person. You are only getting one choreographed and edited version of a person online.

[Gloria25]

I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but IMO, life is full of lessons. Sometimes we have to be put through something negative to get us forward to the next point in our lives.

 

Seems like the lesson here is that online people can be anything you want them to be. This is the same problem with LDRs. I mean, online and/or in a LDR - even with video chatting, you're only seeing a portion of that person...it's a different animal when you're in the same zip code with them. I mean, even if people visit each other, again, you're only seeing them for that minimum timeframe - you're not seeing them on the regular and can catch them in both their best/worst.

 

Next time date someone closer and spend more time with them (at least 1 1/2 to 2 years dating) to really get to know them before investing so much in them.

[Buddhist]

Okay a couple of points.

 

- You can't be 'in love' with someone you've yet to meet in the flesh. You can be in love with the idea of this person, but as you found out, it only took three days for it all to fall apart. You two are strangers to each other no matter how much skyping went on.

 

- What happened is she probably realised you are not the person she was imagining you to be. That's why she asked you to leave. She realised that she's 'in love' with the idea of you, not the real you which turned up in the flesh and ruined her fantasy.

 

- She's still married. Divorcing, is still married and divorcees aren't generally ready for another relationship until they've finalised the current one. About a year after divorcing typically.

 

Sorry you had to learn all of this through experience. You can tell yourself all sorts of stories about her being anxious, freaked out by commitment etc. The truth is, she's not even out of a relationship yet and when confronted by the real you, she realised this and back-pedalled.

[love lover]

it's too soon for her. be patient. give her space and time. follow her lead. its probably that simple.