Doubts about breakup, but there may be someone else for him

[dark_places]

Hello everyone,

 

I’m afraid this is going to be a rather long text but I could really use some advice on this one. Thanks to anyone who bothers to read this.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up (kind of) about a month and a half ago. We’d been together for the better part of ten years and there have been a fair share of ups and downs along the way. He’s been struggling with depression as well and I guess we both felt that, despite loving each other and wanting to stay together, there was no way go on – because we were on the verge of breaking up a few times now and we always said we’d stay together, but it only lasted a few months max before one of us started to doubt things again. So this time no one wanted to really “say it out loud”, but it was kind of implied we’d break up. We’re still living together, though, and both of us have doubts about this whole thing. There’s also been some intimacy.

You’d also have to know we broke up last October as well (I broke up with him, he didn’t want to) for about three months. At the end, he begged me to go back to him and he said he’d do anything for me and to make us work. But, during our separation, he’d met a girl at a concert of his (he’s a musician), apparently just talked to her for a bit and then kept in touch online. She doesn’t live around here. He told me that as we talked about getting back together and told me that he thought they had fallen in love. I was shocked, of course. Eventually, he agreed to stop texting her. Then, a few months later, I found out they had contact again – he had liked all her photos on Instagram and admitted (when asked) she’d contacted him, saying he was only trying to be polite (haha). But he was understanding when I said it wouldn’t work like this, and said once again he’d not have contact with her again. This is the last I’ve heard of it. Her profile on Instagram, meanwhile, was miraculously private after this, so I couldn’t check if he’d liked any more photos of her (and he’d liked ALL of them). He said yes, this was strange, but he hadn’t talked to her about it.

 

And now, her profile is visible again – I randomly thought about her and checked. And since March (which is the first entry now) he’s liked each and every photo. We were together then. We had agreed he’d tell me if there was any contact. And I don’t think he’d just like the photo because he said she was still into him and he didn’t want to lead her on. And now, a couple of days ago, she took a pic of herself with one of his band shirts. So there must be contact between them.

I realize we’re broken up and there’s nothing I can do about this. But I’m still wondering because it all doesn’t feel set in stone yet, as I said, we’re both having major doubts about the break-up. And this is why it makes a big difference what is or isn’t happening with this girl and whether he lied to me about having contact.

 

Thinking they had contact all along (or at least, have had again, for whatever time frame), it puts certain things in a different perspective. For example, we went on a holiday in August and he was on his phone ALL THE TIME. He has contact with a lot of people and generally uses his phone a lot to text, and he always had an explanation for it, but I still thought it was rather strange. He was really typing the whole time. Now I think, he was talking to her. And the other thing is, when I think back to how last year, after we’d been separated for months, he was desperate to get back together – and never would have broken up with me in the first place – it’s strange that now he just doesn’t. He seems to be the one who is surer about this breakup. And this is weird because as I said, we had problems in the past, but he never really considered breaking up. And it was me who wanted to break up in the first place, but he just went along with it.

 

So my gut tells me this is about her and that having contact eases the break-up for him as there is a perspective of something else. I’m stuck between moving on and still clinging onto whatever hope there is left to get back together, and if there is more to this than him liking her pictures and sending her a tshirt (which I’m sure there is), I’m out.

 

Obviously you guys neither know me or him and none of us knows the truth (apart from him), but I’d still love your opinion on this. Thanks, it means a lot. I’m really going crazy here.

[BluesPower]

If you are asking if he cheated, yes of course he did and is. I am a musician and I know what goes on, he screwed her that night.

 

If you are asking if you should try to stay together, of course not. I have no idea how old you guys are, but it really does not matter. This relationship is completely dysfunctional in every way.

 

Let this go, work on yourself, get healthy and find someone that you can really build a life with. Let this guy go...

[juniorrocha]

You can never tell for sure unless you find out about it or he tells you. I think you should probably have a conversation with him, to define what things are now - if you still want to work on the relationship.

 

When I was with my ex, we had a few ups and downs as well. 1 year of relationship and we broke up; she was desperately trying to win me back. I went back to her. Another year went in, and we broke up again. This time, she never came back to me. And I know there isn't/wasn't someone else. We're back in contact after 4 months broken up, but I initiated contact.

 

So, I can't tell you whether she's part of it or not. It could be that he got back in touch with her after you guys "broke up" too. Or it could've been before while you were together. I'm not sure how you'd find out. The main thing here is that it seems like he's trying to move on this time.

 

Regardless, it seems to me that this relationship has run its course. I wouldn't wait for him to step in and make a decision; I'd make a decision myself and start moving on. Remember: you're the only person you can control. Be the leader of your life, don't wait for someone else to show you signs or to tell you what's up. See what's important to you and follow it.

 

You'll be ok.

Edited September 25, 2016 by juniorrocha

[dark_places]

Thanks for your replies. I might ask him about it, after all, but I'm not sure I believe anymore that he'll tell me the truth.

Despite how I was very jealous when I first found out there must be contact between him and this girl, it actually helped me see things with some perspective. Like you said, juniorrocha, I'm the only one I can control and I intend to do just that. Despite the fact that I'm heartbroken this didn't work and despite the fact that I can't imagine life without him, I feel I have to move on. I can't let him call the shots, and if there's someone else on his mind, I'm no longer willing to compete with that. It's funny, though, because despite the fact that I only found out about this Saturday night and he only came home late last night, he already suspects something in my behavior towards him has changed. I think he's actually afraid I'm withdrawing from the "relationship" or whatever is left of it. Which also makes me kind of feel sorry for him, because it IS his loss, but then again, he didn't really go crazy trying to save this - that was what I did for years.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is most definitely interested in her and they have likely been in communication much longer than you realize. And you're right that he's surer about this break-up because he's got someone else lined up, or at least he thinks he does.

 

But even if she weren't in the picture, I still don't believe this relationship will work. You've been together a long time and it sounds like there have been a lot of doubts and a couple break-ups along the way. From my perspective, it seems like you two are together because you're comfortable and it's become a habit - and not because you are genuinely in love with each other and have the same vision for the future.

 

It's time to really separate, and you certainly should not be living together anymore. Can one of you move out or at least stay somewhere else until the logistics get sorted? This is going to be a very messy split otherwise. It won't be fun wondering where he is late at night and knowing you can't say a darn thing about it. You need to put physical space between you immediately.

[dark_places]

I do love him - very much so - and at least for me, it's not that being together has just become a habit. But due to several factors, including his depression and the fact that he isn't ready to take responsibility in any way, yes, it just didn't work, and it has been very hard to be with him. We did have a vision for a future together, but I don't think it was very realistic (e.g., he really wanted kids, but at the same time, taking care of our dog is at times too much for him).

 

Yes, I agree, one of us should move out as soon as possible. The problem is, likely neither of us is going to stay in the city we live in now as we've been meaning to move for a while now - and both of us are currently applying for jobs. So in the meantime, it doesn't make sense to get an apartment in this city, as I'm keen on leaving here as soon as possible, and I feel like if I get a new place here, it will make me stay longer . It would be great if there was someone one of us could stay with in the meantime, but I'm afraid there is no such person for either of us here.

At least I don't really have to worry about him coming home late - as I said, this girl is in a different city (and it's not that close). Unless, of course, there is someone else altogether who lives here.

[dark_places]

So I talked to him about it and he says he initiated contact with her again sometime in late July. We were still together then, even though to be honest, things weren't looking good. He says he just felt like it at that moment and didn't think about it (despite knowing that it had been an issue for us before). I hate how he just goes and acts on any impulse. But maybe it's for the best, because it shows me he just puts himself first without thinking about the consequences. I'm not sure whether or not to believe his story, though - according to him, he liked all of her pictures only when they started having contact again.