kol Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 I have been single for a while now and went through a divorce about a year ago so I am pretty new to dating again. I was also pretty guarded as I have been hurt a lot and had severe trust issues. I got talking to a guy online who was from my home country. We only picked each other up because he had been to where I live on vacation, but by the time we had matched he was back in our home country (I live here in USA and he lives in England). He kept talking and talking and I love conversation with anyone so was talking back and then eventually we started doing phone calls, Skype one time, and were basically talking every day. He then booked a vacation to come back to the USA and was going to be in my town. I was so excited. We had basically said we knew we couldn't have anything because of distance but wanted to hang out, and he told me he wasn't pursuing anyone in England because he doesn't want to live there permanently, and he wasn't talking to any other girls like he was talking to me. So he finally comes to town and we hang out a few times, we basically say we think we connect well and all but distance sucks and if we ever lived in the same town we would want to see how things go and spent the best part of 2 days together hanging out. We then in the heat of the moment ended up sleeping together and I spent the night with him. We had said the next day which was Wednesday that we would at the very least get dinner together on Thursday, because he was leaving town today, and Friday night he had plans to see a band in town so there really wasn't any other time to hang out except Thursday evening as I work full time so I am busy all day. So Thursday he said he would let me know by 4pm the plans etc and where he would be (I leave work at 4 and he was staying close to my work so it made sense to meet from there rather than later as I live a good 45 mins away from my work). So it gets to 4pm and I have heard nothing so I leave work and start heading home, and at 4:05pm I get a message saying "Sorry I forgot I was supposed to let you know, I have plans tonight now so can't hang." I got pretty upset and said I kinda figured that was going to happen, and honestly it just seems like he slept with me and now is blowing me off. He said he knows it looks that way but really isn't like that, and basically in the end told me he was hanging out with another girl he had been talking to also. So I got pretty upset and said you told me you weren't speaking to any other girls in this capacity, and now you're saying there is another girl you are seeing, and he said well it is just a friend, and I said yes but we were just friends and look what happened, and he said well that is life. So I basically told him I felt totally used and If I knew he was talking to other girls here I would never have slept with him. Yes I made the decision to, and yes I knew we couldn't have a relationship, but I honestly thought we liked each other and distance was in-between us, but now I basically feel totally used and last minute canceled for some other girl. So I ended up saying do you even care or want to talk anymore, and he said at this point he doesn't care if we talk anymore or not and to have a good night (that was Thursday night). I told him that I basically didn't want things to end this way etc, and he read that but didn't reply and hasn't said a word since. I feel totally crushed and he just left town this morning. I know people will probably read this and say I shouldn't have slept with him and all of that, but I did and I chose to do that because I wanted to, but I guess I am just wanting some input from some people outside of the situation. Being single do you think I even have a right to be upset at this situation? I don't like how things were left, and I dunno if I should try and talk to him or just leave it alone.
LostOnes05 Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 Well, I think you have a legit reason to be upset because he explicitly lied to you. Are you talking to any other women is a pretty straight forward question...in fact, it's either yes or no. So yes, he misled you. But all you can do is block him and let him go. Just remember when/if he ever finds a way to reach out. Don't get sucked back in with a bunch of excuses.
JewelD Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 Leave him alone. Sure, you can be upset but consider your role in this and that it's not a unique situation in dating. People lie. You barely knew this man so you should take everything he says with a grain of salt. If a man wants to sleep with you and you've made it clear you want to be special to him, he will try to make you feel that way. Even if it means lying about you being the only girl. If you're single and your date is single, just assume they are probably dating around. He said he does not care if you talk to him or not. There's your confirmation. Let him go and move on. and learn from this situation. If you know you catch feelings quickly, don't sleep with someone so early. 1
smackie9 Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 Don't think too badly about it because it wasn't what you thought it was. You did have a good night with him right? Don't knock yourself over following your desires.....nothing wrong with that at all. It's nice to be desired, and feel like a sexy woman. He is a rat yes, you made a choice you are not happy with, oh well, s%$& happens because life happens. Lesson: The internet is full of predators, players, jerks, married men, etc. If it sounds too good to be true or they tell you what you want to hear, it's a red flag. You should stay away from LDRs because you don't know if they are married or have a GF or sleeping with other women etc. How could you even know when they live 1000s of miles away right? I know your heart struggles, this rejection is deflating and you ask yourself where do you go from here.....you ditch this guy because he will never fulfill your expectations, he doesn't deserve you. Don't let this discourage you from dating again. I recommend meeting men locally at social events, parties, or even through friends. I actually met my husband through mutual friends and it was a first for me. 26+ years later it's worked out pretty good. Save
kendahke Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 I feel totally crushed and he just left town this morning. I know people will probably read this and say I shouldn't have slept with him and all of that, but I did and I chose to do that because I wanted to, but I guess I am just wanting some input from some people outside of the situation. Being single do you think I even have a right to be upset at this situation? I don't like how things were left, and I dunno if I should try and talk to him or just leave it alone. I don't think it's a matter of rights. You feel what you feel. I'm not going to say you shouldn't have slept with him, but I will say that you shouldn't have thrown down your dignity like that. I'd have just said "OK. Have a good time" then blocked him and never spoken to him again. Going in on him repeatedly pretty much clarified that this is over and done with. One he caught himself up in that lie, I'd have been done. He's a liar. He has the kind of friendship with this other woman where he can't allow you to meet her. Let her have him. 2
Redhead14 Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 I have been single for a while now and went through a divorce about a year ago so I am pretty new to dating again. I was also pretty guarded as I have been hurt a lot and had severe trust issues. I got talking to a guy online who was from my home country. We only picked each other up because he had been to where I live on vacation, but by the time we had matched he was back in our home country (I live here in USA and he lives in England). He kept talking and talking and I love conversation with anyone so was talking back and then eventually we started doing phone calls, Skype one time, and were basically talking every day. He then booked a vacation to come back to the USA and was going to be in my town. I was so excited. We had basically said we knew we couldn't have anything because of distance but wanted to hang out, and he told me he wasn't pursuing anyone in England because he doesn't want to live there permanently, and he wasn't talking to any other girls like he was talking to me. So he finally comes to town and we hang out a few times, we basically say we think we connect well and all but distance sucks and if we ever lived in the same town we would want to see how things go and spent the best part of 2 days together hanging out. We then in the heat of the moment ended up sleeping together and I spent the night with him. We had said the next day which was Wednesday that we would at the very least get dinner together on Thursday, because he was leaving town today, and Friday night he had plans to see a band in town so there really wasn't any other time to hang out except Thursday evening as I work full time so I am busy all day. So Thursday he said he would let me know by 4pm the plans etc and where he would be (I leave work at 4 and he was staying close to my work so it made sense to meet from there rather than later as I live a good 45 mins away from my work). So it gets to 4pm and I have heard nothing so I leave work and start heading home, and at 4:05pm I get a message saying "Sorry I forgot I was supposed to let you know, I have plans tonight now so can't hang." I got pretty upset and said I kinda figured that was going to happen, and honestly it just seems like he slept with me and now is blowing me off. He said he knows it looks that way but really isn't like that, and basically in the end told me he was hanging out with another girl he had been talking to also. So I got pretty upset and said you told me you weren't speaking to any other girls in this capacity, and now you're saying there is another girl you are seeing, and he said well it is just a friend, and I said yes but we were just friends and look what happened, and he said well that is life. So I basically told him I felt totally used and If I knew he was talking to other girls here I would never have slept with him. Yes I made the decision to, and yes I knew we couldn't have a relationship, but I honestly thought we liked each other and distance was in-between us, but now I basically feel totally used and last minute canceled for some other girl. So I ended up saying do you even care or want to talk anymore, and he said at this point he doesn't care if we talk anymore or not and to have a good night (that was Thursday night). I told him that I basically didn't want things to end this way etc, and he read that but didn't reply and hasn't said a word since. I feel totally crushed and he just left town this morning. I know people will probably read this and say I shouldn't have slept with him and all of that, but I did and I chose to do that because I wanted to, but I guess I am just wanting some input from some people outside of the situation. Being single do you think I even have a right to be upset at this situation? I don't like how things were left, and I dunno if I should try and talk to him or just leave it alone. You've just had your first one-night stand. Anytime you sleep with a man, especially early, you should assume it will be a one-night stand until he shows you otherwise. This guy did a classic hit and run. He did not use you, you allowed yourself to be used. It's OK that you slept with him because you wanted to, but it's not OK to say he used you. You two were not in a relationship and he really owed you nothing in terms of talking to other people. Until exclusivity is declared between a you and a dating partner, you are each free to date other people. If you don't like multi-dating, you need to address that when you meet new dating partners. He was a little rude in his response to you -- he said at this point he doesn't care if we talk anymore or not and to have a good night (that was Thursday night). And, I can't imagine why you would want to bother reaching out to him again for any reason. You'll likely only embarrass yourself. Anytime you feel that you've experienced a one-night stand, it's best not to reach out to them at all and observe whether they contact you again themselves fairly soon after and continues to date your properly. If this guy ever contacts you again, don't respond in any way. Block and delete his number. 5
Buddhist Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 If you're upset, you're upset. You probably slept with him because in the back of your mind there was hope that someday this would all pan out. TO be honest he did feed that hope to you with hints about not wanting to reside in England, you're the only one etc.... So I guess he spun you some lines and now you're upset about that. Reasonable really. The fact he could so easily now drop this amazing friendship connection on an instant as soon as you called him out kind of lets you know the truth of things. Move on. Don't try and reconnect, what for? You know where you stand and it isn't where you want to be standing.
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