sunsets Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Hi, I am very new to this "writing for advice on the internet" so bare with me. I broke up with my partner of 21/2 years only a month ago tomorrow. We had a very turbulent relationship. I broke up with him as I realised he was never going to get over his ex partner and for that reason alone I could not tolerate any of his behaviour anymore...they basically were having an emotional affair behind my back, he would not let go of her and it got nasty...they both hurt me a lot, mostly him though in many ways. So my self esteem has taken a huge knock. I trusted him so much and discovered he had betrayed my trust in many ways. It hurt terribly, I tried to forgive it for over a year, but nothing improved enough for me to warrant this relationship anymore. i could not trust him anymore and no longer felt special or like we had something special. So I made the break, it took so much courage as I had convinced myself he was the one for me? God knows why now! So my question is, even though I know this is right, I am not 100% convinced yet, I am trying no contact and he is trying to break it! I think the message is through now, but I have a fear, it is recurring in my dreams and i do not know how I will cope with it when it happens. This is when he sleeps with someone else, I do not know or understand why, but the intimacy of this, of him picking a pretty woman, taking her home and having sex with her really truly upsets me ...the imagery and it hasn't even happened yet, kills me. I know he is not good on his own, another reason why I am not with him, he is clearly not a sorted person, yet I still love him, that takes time to go I know... I am so realistic about every aspect of breaking up...believe me I have been through worse...but this part always destroys me and I do not understand it. I am dreaming about it and feel sick. I know I may not know when it happens, but I do know it will happen and we have mutual friends so I will hear one day. What i don't know is if everyone goes through this in the early days of breaking up...he was my man, we made love...it hurts so much to know he will be doing that to someone else very soon. Advice? Stories? Is this normal of me? It makes me cry so much this one thing desperately...it is like the final loss I guess? I do not know?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by sunsets What i don't know is if everyone goes through this in the early days of breaking up...he was my man, we made love...it hurts so much to know he will be doing that to someone else very soon. Yes, this happens quite often and many of us go through this. It's normal to have those kinds of feelings. But do know that the pain will fade with time. I know it can be hard to feel like you've been "replaced". But also know that anyone who becomes sexually involved with someone too soon after a break-up is probably thinking of their ex while they are with the new person, no matter who initiated the break-up. If someone becomes intimate too soon after a break-up it is because they are emotionally and psychologically needy -- or just the opposite, emotionally bankrupt --- but in either case they are very selfish. Ask yourself if you really should be longing for someone who has those kinds of unhealthy issues.
Author sunsets Posted July 8, 2005 Author Posted July 8, 2005 Thank you for your advice. I know everything you said is true, I agree, it is just so hard in these early days. It's almost like I am experiencing sexual jealousy when nothing has even happened, maybe I'm preparing myself now in my mind. All part of the letting go process. He is emotionally unavailable and was unable to commit to me 100%, due to his attachment to his ex still being present, even after 3 years. So I know there is no way he will be involved with someone, completely, so soon...especially when with me, even after living together for over a year, he still couldn't. I guess this is just a normal part of breaking up these worries and fears I have. Thanks again, your comments were along the same lines as a friend I went out with last night, I feel more positive today.
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