Depressed bf broke up with me

[Riverside12]

Hello everyone

 

I have been dating this guy for 2 months. We work in the same company and met 1-2 months before we started dating. We talked about many things and about the fact that he doesn t really feel good about how his life is right now. It took some time until he actually made the move and we started dating, since i guess because of his mood swings, he wasn t sure about things or about what to do.

Last year he was dumped by his gf and he was really depressed after that.

His father left when he was 2, he and his mither don t talk, he was raised by his grandma that is now sick and God knows what will soon happen...

So a lot of issues in this aria. He is not very happy with his job either, the boss p*** him off, not happy with his salary etc.

The first weeks he told me that he doesn t want to hurt me with his instability right now...

I must add that he was really nice to me, fixed things around ny house, cooked for me, we were spending most of the time inside watching movies, talking, cooking etc

We went out alone also and with people from work. He wasn t in a mood to do stuff most of the time so i didn t mind staying in with him... He had days when he would behave differently, like short texts and other times he was very sweet and caring. I guess depending on his mood.

 

From the begginig we established that we will tell each other if something s bothering us. What i didn t know exactly was how things really are for him at this point in his life and when he didn t want to do things with me i would maybe get upset or ask him why. U can imagine i was confused when the man was acting different at times. We were not spending much time together back then and i didn t unferstand why. The point is, when i started raising questions and just tried to communicate with him he always told me(while communicating with me for a bit) that he does t like these conversations and not to take things so personal. He would overreact, like i was doing something so bad. I tried to understand that he s not feeling ok. The next weeks were ok, we met almost everyday after work, cooked, ate, watched movies. He told me something happened that he doesn t want to talk about and that he will have a bad time about it. I understood and hugged him and said to let me know if he needs anything.

 

People at work didn t know about us. I was ok with it, i said it s ok for now. But he would ask me almost every week if i had told someone and this really made me upset. I asked why he is so paranoid about it and his andwer was "because i can"... I left to my office and this is how it all started.

I tried to talk to him and just understand why and he told me again the same things, that he doesn t like conversations, why don t i understand, do i want to make him feel worse etc.

i must add he started playing LOL a few weeks ago because "it makes me not think about my problems"

He didn t sleep well, was kinda late for work and stuff like that. I was worried. I told him he doesn t need to play a game to feel better, that there are things in his life he can enjoy, that i was just trying to communicate with him about something i didn t understand.

Long story short, he dumped me yesterday at work while we were having coffee, saying he doesn t want this anymore like this, that he is not feeling well and that we don t get along etc.

i asked"don t u think it may be also because of how u are right now?" And he said "maybe. I will deal with that" i asked "how?" And he said "if i will regret it, that s it..."

 

I was shocked and couldn t say much since other people came and we weren t alone anymore. I texted him after it and no reply.

Today i asked how he is and said he went to see his grandma.

I don t understand. Is he pushing me away because of his depression?

I was really nice to him and looked after him and knew he wasn t ok.

 

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever his reasoning, he is nowhere near boyfriend material right now. He can't give you the type of relationship you're looking for. It could well be connected to issues with depression.

 

But something stood out to me - I can understand not wanting to be the centre of office gossip and preferring to keep your relationship quiet at first. But him not trusting you to keep it yourself and repeatedly asking you if you had told anyone makes me wonder if he's seeing or was seeing another coworker.

 

I would just let this one go. He doesn't sound like he was a very good boyfriend anyway and seemed quite dismissive of you and your feelings.

[sooshi]

He was miserable before the relationship began.

 

He was miserable during the relationship.

 

He remains miserable after the relationship ended.

 

Read about co-dependency. Reflect on why you feel the need to look after a grown man who doesn't put in the effort to make changes in his own life.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who you have to look after? Do you really want to have to walk on eggshells with someone to maximize the possibility that they don't change their mood? Do you really want to be with someone who is completely miserable?

 

Focus on building your self-respect and self-worth. Set higher standards for yourself.

[aloneinaz]

He was miserable before the relationship began.

 

He was miserable during the relationship.

 

He remains miserable after the relationship ended.

 

Read about co-dependency. Reflect on why you feel the need to look after a grown man who doesn't put in the effort to make changes in his own life.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who you have to look after? Do you really want to have to walk on eggshells with someone to maximize the possibility that they don't change their mood? Do you really want to be with someone who is completely miserable?

 

Focus on building your self-respect and self-worth. Set higher standards for yourself.

 

This X100

 

My thoughts are why in the world anyone would chose to want to date a person with this much damage, baggage and drama. Most would of uncovered this guys issues in the first couple of dates and said "I'm not feeling it" and ran the other way.

[preraph]

Look, you are really foolish for wanting to stay with someone with lifelong depressive issues. Depression makes you angry and sad and makes you want to isolate yourself. So he's in no way wanting a relationship. Sex, maybe, but he's not in any state of mind for maintaining anything. Just let it go. He's starting to get mad now. Nothing good could ever come of this. He has had some problems all his life and there is no magic elixer for him. You can't help him. And he doesn't want you around complicating his existence anymore. I'm not saying that to be mean, but that's what it probably feels like to him. He's not able.

[NopeNah]

Look, you are really foolish for wanting to stay with someone with lifelong depressive issues. Depression makes you angry and sad and makes you want to isolate yourself. So he's in no way wanting a relationship. Sex, maybe, but he's not in any state of mind for maintaining anything. Just let it go. He's starting to get mad now. Nothing good could ever come of this. He has had some problems all his life and there is no magic elixer for him. You can't help him. And he doesn't want you around complicating his existence anymore. I'm not saying that to be mean, but that's what it probably feels like to him. He's not able.

Agreed.. Look.. I'm going through some things at the moment(business issues, court issues,ect..) and my relationship with my ex was the last thing on my mind. He has to sort himself out(as I do) to be able to be available to maintain. My ex has stated that she "wants to be there for me" but, to me,at this point, she's just another "thing on my plate". I love her to death and always will but, I had to end it for both of us. Hopefully once I get my self sorted out we can start fresh. For all I know she will,or has already, move(ed) on to someone else. I just know I couldn't maintain with everything at this moment.

 

Edit: I would NOT want to date me right now!

Edited September 24, 2016 by Praying4Daylight

[dark_places]

I know this isn't what you want to hear at this point but I have to agree with the other replies. Take seriously what he's telling you. I have been with someone who has struggled with depression and it changes everything to the point where that person isn't able to be in a relationship because they're wrapped up dealing with themselves first. Situations like these don't make for fulfilling relationships where both partners give and receive. It's one who receives and one who gives. So be glad that you haven't known him for a very long time and try to accept that this won't work - at least right now.

[Riverside12]

Thanks so much for your replies.

It has nothing to do with my self esteem or stuff like that. I really like him and he s a good guy(except his moods and temper right now). I liked him since we met and i didn t know about how deep these issues really are. I tried to be understanding and supportive but it looks like it wasn t enough.

It bothers me that he made it all seem like my fault for him breaking up with me. Yes i ve had some talks with him about things that were bothering me, but i was just trying to understand. He would immediatelly go into defensive mood. I don t really know how to handle people like that and i was learning how can i find the best way to deal with this. Last weekend after we cooked there was still food and the next day when i went to his place i brought him some. I also made some honey mixed with some healthy stuff and i made some for him aswel. I was good with him and it just sucks that he thinks of me like someone who makes him feel worse just because i talk about things.

I wasn t always happy 100% but i didn t leave him. I thought things are just bad for him for a while and it will pass.

I do care for him and i don t know how to handle this, esp that we see each other every day at work. I m sure trying to convince him to get back together won t work, but in the same time i want to do something to prove that i m not that bad person he thinks i am. Should i keep it friendly? NC? I don t know. I just know he is sinking more into the state he is in and i can t do anything about it.

[NopeNah]

Thanks so much for your replies.

It has nothing to do with my self esteem or stuff like that. I really like him and he s a good guy(except his moods and temper right now). I liked him since we met and i didn t know about how deep these issues really are. I tried to be understanding and supportive but it looks like it wasn t enough.

It bothers me that he made it all seem like my fault for him breaking up with me. Yes i ve had some talks with him about things that were bothering me, but i was just trying to understand. He would immediatelly go into defensive mood. I don t really know how to handle people like that and i was learning how can i find the best way to deal with this. Last weekend after we cooked there was still food and the next day when i went to his place i brought him some. I also made some honey mixed with some healthy stuff and i made some for him aswel. I was good with him and it just sucks that he thinks of me like someone who makes him feel worse just because i talk about things.

I wasn t always happy 100% but i didn t leave him. I thought things are just bad for him for a while and it will pass.

I do care for him and i don t know how to handle this, esp that we see each other every day at work. I m sure trying to convince him to get back together won t work, but in the same time i want to do something to prove that i m not that bad person he thinks i am. Should i keep it friendly? NC? I don t know. I just know he is sinking more into the state he is in and i can t do anything about it.

Dear...It's NOT you making him feel worse but, when the "trying to help talks" came to play in my relationship, I did the same as he is doing. "fight or flight mode"... Just let it be. I can relate to how he's feeling. I got the "well why don't you do this?, why don't you do that?" and it just drove me to do without those talks.

[aloneinaz]

but in the same time i want to do something to prove that i m not that bad person he thinks i am. Should i keep it friendly? NC? I don t know. I just know he is sinking more into the state he is in and i can t do anything about it.

 

My view is once you're not dating/seeing someone anymore, you really shouldn't care what THEY think. Since you have to see him at work, I'd be cordial but distant. I certainly wouldn't be his "pal" or "buddy" since he was not the nicest guy at the end. I would also quickly tell him you have no aspirations to have any communication unless it's work related if he tries to chat w/you.

 

This isn't to be mean or vengeful, it's for you to move forward to someone that is healthy and available for a relationship that you desire.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's interesting to me that you feel the need to prove yourself to him, that you're not a bad person. You need to think about why you want to do this. Sure, we don't want our loved ones thinking poorly of us. But you have to know that you can't measure your self-worth based on his opinion of you. I am quite certain he knows you're a good woman. But he is miserable, and miserable people often barf their own emotions on everyone around them in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

 

I say this having dated a man who had a diagnosed personality disorder. Some of the vile insults that flew out of his mouth when he got upset (which was frequently!) were unbelievable. Nobody had ever spoken that way to me in my entire life. I, like you, tried to win his affection and approval, and tried hard to show him I wasn't the awful person he made me out to be. But you know what? I was really trying too hard to prove it to myself more than anything. That's how low my sense of worthiness sank during my time with him. He wasn't a 100% horrible person - he had his good qualities. But I eventually woke up and realized those good and bad qualities are who he is. I needed to stop conducting myself on the hope that he would go back to being this consistently charming and caring person, and deal with reality instead. It was one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

 

I already see the warning signs for this in your posts. Please, go No Contact. Don't try to be friendly. It will make you feel worse. He is in no position to be a loving boyfriend right now, and trying to stay friends will hurt you. He's not an evil being, but you can certainly do a heck of a lot better!

[preraph]

I agree with Praying4Daylight. Look, I guess until you've either been depressed for a long time (it can be years, it was with me) or going through something that was overwhelming, like an illness in your family, you can't understand why it's not all about you.

 

He doesn't have the energy for you. You are asking too much more than what he's got. He can't help you. He is running on empty himself. As Praying4Daylight said, you are just something else on his plate right now that he'd rather not have to worry about and feel guilt about not wanting to deal with. Please just be polite at work and nothing more.

 

I didn't want anyone around during my extended depression. And then once over that I went through a bad time with a hospitalized relative for six months, trying to work my two jobs, tend to her, and keep her bills paid, mortgage up to date, and take care of her pets. Going into that I had an LDR that was just online but we were trying to see if we could agree on where to live IF we decided we were serious, and during that bad time when i was so overwhelmed, I just called it off with him. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I had no time for e-mailing. I had relatives I had to update all the time and I was exhausted. I'm sure anyone who's ever had twins or even a single baby or toddler sometimes feels the same way -- unless you have some practical use, I don't have time for you.

[RyanO1991]

You've given everything you have to the relationship and he hasn't shown appreciation for it. Although he's depressed, there's no excuse for him not giving a simple "thank you" or acknowledgement.

 

Depression can bring out the worst in people, but it should never mean that the people who show love and care get treated badly.

 

If it was me, I'd go NC (or as close as possible seeing as you work together).

 

You have been very loyal, caring and selfless. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Concentrate on your own needs now.

[Riverside12]

Thanks for ur support.

 

I know how depression makes everything look bad, so i guess that s why he sees everything negative.

 

It s just sad to meet someone u finally like and he likes u back and get to this point where u are dumped for no reason. And the way he did it at 9am at work when i didn t even have my coffee yet and without any possibility for me to say much or just have a normal talk it s just even more sad...

 

And maybe it s sad also that i want him back. I think it s my guilt talking, since he made it look like all my fault. I know about NC. I just don t know how a depressed man who thinks at me as bad for how he is right now will wakw up one morning and realize he is an idiot.

 

In this case, is there something i can do for us to be back together?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for ur support.

 

I know how depression makes everything look bad, so i guess that s why he sees everything negative.

 

It s just sad to meet someone u finally like and he likes u back and get to this point where u are dumped for no reason. And the way he did it at 9am at work when i didn t even have my coffee yet and without any possibility for me to say much or just have a normal talk it s just even more sad...

 

And maybe it s sad also that i want him back. I think it s my guilt talking, since he made it look like all my fault. I know about NC. I just don t know how a depressed man who thinks at me as bad for how he is right now will wakw up one morning and realize he is an idiot.

 

In this case, is there something i can do for us to be back together?

 

You need to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who just doesn't want a relationship with you at this time.

 

And no, you can't do anything. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. It's not under your control, and you didn't do anything wrong. Thus, you can't fix it.

 

I asked before, but I'll put this forward again: do you suspect he might be dating another coworker? He was awfully paranoid about people finding out about you.

[RyanO1991]

A month ago, I was in a very similar position to you. I'd been with my gf for 3 years and she had suffered from depression, then she treated me very badly but made me feel like it was my fault.

 

I also wanted us to get back together - and part of me deep down still probably entertains the idea - but I've come to realise that the only way forward is to break contact. Maybe the ex will what to make another go of it (to be honest, I've got to the stage where I'm not really bothered now) or maybe I'll never see her again.

 

Breaking contact gives you the chance to learn more about yourself. I feel more confident and attractive than ever before since the breakup. For the first time, I genuinely feel that it is my ex's loss, not mine. Life can't be controlled, but we can decide who we want to be.

 

In a nutshell, my advice would be, for now, not to focus on getting back together but concentrate on yourself. Break all contact as much as possible. Think about who you are and what you want from life - you have lots of strengths (many of which you're probably not even aware of). Who knows? Maybe you'll end up getting back together, or maybe you'll feel that you've outgrown him and need to move on.

[basil67]

You're wrong about there being no reason for him ending this. First reason was that he was too depressed to sustain a relationship. Second reason would have been that you were asking more of him than he could give. Not only was he struggling with his own issues, but your dissatisfaction with the relationship would have compounded is own issues.

 

He isn't an idiot for ending this and I'd feel terribly sad for him if he did wake up one day and feel like he was. He did the sensible thing for a man in his emotional state.

 

Don't try and get back together. Instead, ask yourself why you want a man who gave you an unsatisfactory relationship on top of having emotional issues.

[Riverside12]

You need to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who just doesn't want a relationship with you at this time.

 

And no, you can't do anything. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. It's not under your control, and you didn't do anything wrong. Thus, you can't fix it.

 

I asked before, but I'll put this forward again: do you suspect he might be dating another coworker? He was awfully paranoid about people finding out about you.

 

 

Thanks for your support.

No, i don t think he is seeing someone else from work. We spent a lot of time together there having coffees, eating etc. i think people noticed something s going on but we never made it official. His answer was that he doesn t know why he wants to keep it a secret and that maybe it s because of how he feels right now. Who knows?...

[Riverside12]

You're wrong about there being no reason for him ending this. First reason was that he was too depressed to sustain a relationship. Second reason would have been that you were asking more of him than he could give. Not only was he struggling with his own issues, but your dissatisfaction with the relationship would have compounded is own issues.

 

He isn't an idiot for ending this and I'd feel terribly sad for him if he did wake up one day and feel like he was. He did the sensible thing for a man in his emotional state.

 

Don't try and get back together. Instead, ask yourself why you want a man who gave you an unsatisfactory relationship on top of having emotional issues.

 

 

Thanks for your support.

 

I don t think that asking a question or just saying what s bothering you in a relationship means u are dissatisifed with the whole thing. I understand he is in a bad place and i was there for him. But i am too a person with feelings that can get hurt. I was also a part of that relationship, i also needed to feel understood. Is it healthy to shut up and not talk about issues in a relationship? Is it healthy to keep things to yourself just because u think that if u open ur mouth and speak ur mind it might make ur bf/gf act crazy?

I will give him space, as he now thinks of me like something who makes more damage to his state of mind. Although i insist i wasn t as ****ty as he thinks i am. Bringing him food and caring how he is feeling and listening to what s bothering him... But i guess he didn t see the whole picture...

[RyanO1991]

Thanks for your support.

 

I don t think that asking a question or just saying what s bothering you in a relationship means u are dissatisifed with the whole thing. I understand he is in a bad place and i was there for him. But i am too a person with feelings that can get hurt. I was also a part of that relationship, i also needed to feel understood. Is it healthy to shut up and not talk about issues in a relationship? Is it healthy to keep things to yourself just because u think that if u open ur mouth and speak ur mind it might make ur bf/gf act crazy?

I will give him space, as he now thinks of me like something who makes more damage to his state of mind. Although i insist i wasn t as ****ty as he thinks i am. Bringing him food and caring how he is feeling and listening to what s bothering him... But i guess he didn t see the whole picture...

 

You were the best partner he could have wished for. Distancing yourself from him will give you both more perspective and clarity. That would be a good time to start planning your next steps.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your support.

 

I don t think that asking a question or just saying what s bothering you in a relationship means u are dissatisifed with the whole thing. I understand he is in a bad place and i was there for him. But i am too a person with feelings that can get hurt. I was also a part of that relationship, i also needed to feel understood. Is it healthy to shut up and not talk about issues in a relationship? Is it healthy to keep things to yourself just because u think that if u open ur mouth and speak ur mind it might make ur bf/gf act crazy?

I will give him space, as he now thinks of me like something who makes more damage to his state of mind. Although i insist i wasn t as ****ty as he thinks i am. Bringing him food and caring how he is feeling and listening to what s bothering him... But i guess he didn t see the whole picture...

 

No, of course it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up and ignore your own needs.

 

But I think that's what we're trying to help you grasp: when you're in a relationship where you feel you can't express yourself without fear of being criticized, it's not a healthy relationship. That type of dynamic isn't sustainable and indicates it's not the right relationship for both of you at this time.

 

Don't let his feelings towards you be a measuring stick of your self-worth. You're putting too much weight on his opinions. If he wasn't able to recognize your worth, it's not your problem. It's his.

[Riverside12]

No, of course it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up and ignore your own needs.

 

But I think that's what we're trying to help you grasp: when you're in a relationship where you feel you can't express yourself without fear of being criticized, it's not a healthy relationship. That type of dynamic isn't sustainable and indicates it's not the right relationship for both of you at this time.

 

Don't let his feelings towards you be a measuring stick of your self-worth. You're putting too much weight on his opinions. If he wasn't able to recognize your worth, it's not your problem. It's his.

 

Thanks. I ve been thinking about this all weekend... and tomorrow i have to go to work and see him. Do i act normal? Friendly as i was before we were together? Ignore him completelly? Just say "hi" and "bye"? I don t know.

I never dated people from school/uni/work before.

[basil67]

Thanks for your support.

 

I don t think that asking a question or just saying what s bothering you in a relationship means u are dissatisifed with the whole thing. I understand he is in a bad place and i was there for him. But i am too a person with feelings that can get hurt. I was also a part of that relationship, i also needed to feel understood. Is it healthy to shut up and not talk about issues in a relationship? Is it healthy to keep things to yourself just because u think that if u open ur mouth and speak ur mind it might make ur bf/gf act crazy?

I will give him space, as he now thinks of me like something who makes more damage to his state of mind. Although i insist i wasn t as ****ty as he thinks i am. Bringing him food and caring how he is feeling and listening to what s bothering him... But i guess he didn t see the whole picture...

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have expressed your needs. Of course it's fine to express your needs. What I am saying is that he couldn't meet your needs and felt it was better to leave than than to stay and have you unsatisfied with the relationship. He didn't need that extra burden on his shoulders.

 

Loving someone and supporting them isn't enough to make a relationship work.

[spiderowl]

Really, you are better off without this guy. Was there anything in his favour? He wouldn't talk to you, which is unkind. He played games and wasn't really paying you much attention. He has poor manners.

 

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You have been kind and understanding. He, meanwhile, has been thoughtless and hasn't even wanted to acknowledge you. Please do not accept such poor behaviour from a guy. You are worth much more.

[spiderowl]

Honestly, you haven't done anything wrong. It's normal for a couple to want to communicate with each other. It's normal for you to want that kind of emotional intimacy. His behaviour was not normal in that respect. Your needs are just as important. You should be thinking of finding someone who meets your needs not trying to please someone who doesn't.