Trend of men moving fast?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I've met a lot of single women that I've heard in social conversations about the guy they've started seeing moving too fast for their tastes, and thus the dating ends for them.

 

I have a female friend that doesn't like going out on dates more than once a week with a guy, apparently, it's off putting for her if a guy suggests a date after the first one a few days later.

 

I hear situations where a guy would want to move in after a couple of months.

 

Things like that. But "fast" is subjective, right? I wonder if it's because if these men...in the past...thought they moved too slow and the woman lost interest or friendzoned them (yeah, someone here said there's no such thing, but I guess that's just one person's opinion).

 

So...they figure, "Screw it, I'll take it up a notch and move quickly" and thus they expedite the process, making it feel forced and scaring off the woman.

 

So now we have a society of men attempting to seal the deal as quickly as possible, only because if they move too slowly, they'll miss some window of opportunity. "Have sex as quickly as possible, or you'll loose her forever!"

 

I once recalled a guy saying that he always kisses on the first date, even if it's an online FIRST meet. This can be quite off putting...well, depends on the woman I suppose and how that first date went, but...still...it's that balance where some men tend to rush things...and I hear of a lot of women complaining about that.

 

Have you ever heard talks of this in your social circle?

[2005tahoe]

I've met a lot of single women that I've heard in social conversations about the guy they've started seeing moving too fast for their tastes, and thus the dating ends for them.

 

I have a female friend that doesn't like going out on dates more than once a week with a guy, apparently, it's off putting for her if a guy suggests a date after the first one a few days later.

 

I hear situations where a guy would want to move in after a couple of months.

 

Things like that. But "fast" is subjective, right? I wonder if it's because if these men...in the past...thought they moved too slow and the woman lost interest or friendzoned them (yeah, someone here said there's no such thing, but I guess that's just one person's opinion).

 

So...they figure, "Screw it, I'll take it up a notch and move quickly" and thus they expedite the process, making it feel forced and scaring off the woman.

 

So now we have a society of men attempting to seal the deal as quickly as possible, only because if they move too slowly, they'll miss some window of opportunity. "Have sex as quickly as possible, or you'll loose her forever!"

 

I once recalled a guy saying that he always kisses on the first date, even if it's an online FIRST meet. This can be quite off putting...well, depends on the woman I suppose and how that first date went, but...still...it's that balance where some men tend to rush things...and I hear of a lot of women complaining about that.

 

Have you ever heard talks of this in your social circle?

 

 

I am a 38yo male. I have been told before that I move fast. I see both sides of it as I try to date now. I have kissed on the first date and later told that they want to go slow and get to know me and I have been on dates where I didn't make any moves and was friendzoned. I don't throw myself at them on the sex part, I don't sleep around, but I have been known to want to see them within a few days of the date if it goes well. But it all comes down to how you feel, im not going to change myself bc whats fast to one person is normal to another. Its all about the chemistry.

 

 

I have recently learned to not try so hard to "seal the deal". I know what kind of person I am and what I can bring to a relationship, its their loss if were not on the same page. Just have to find the right mate.

Edited September 24, 2016 by 2005tahoe

[basil67]

I don't think that moving fast is a trend. Rather, I think that the way of dating a few people at once is the new thing and has made it difficult for those who don't want to mess about.

 

When I was dating back in the 1980's moving fast into being an item was normal. In my parents generation, they got married younger and quicker than we did.

 

Oh, and if a friend dated your 'once a week' female friend I'd advise him to move on. She sounds like she'd be too much hard work.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I will kiss, have sex, whatever on the first date IF the lady is willing. I'm at an age where playing games should be at a minimal. I don't force the issue in any way and take the lady's lead, direction.

 

I think the age group is important. The younger, the more likely they are seeking sex first, relationship second. So, moving fast(er) is more their speed. It should also be noted that there are some women who believe that if a man doesn't kiss or try even on the first date, must be disinterested or "not man enough." There are a number of other guys waiting in the wings too, so establishing oneself sooner than later is desirable.

 

There are guys who are looking for any warm body to be their companion either for financial reasons or something else. Those guys do move fast. Sugar mommy seekers...and for some of them, they manage to find women who are desperate for companionship to take them in regardless of the many red flags.

[GemmaUK]

Absolutely yes for me but it's more along the lines of the man getting all 'we are in a serious relationship' before I have had a chance of taking things day to day to just even get to know him - I won't elaborate on my own experience though as you usually tell me it's just my perception and that I am wrong.

 

I have a female friend that doesn't like going out on dates more than once a week with a guy, apparently, it's off putting for her if a guy suggests a date after the first one a few days later.

That's clearly just her own preference - seems a little stifled to me but it's totally up to her and her choice.

Perhaps she has had some similar experiences to me and she has chosen to slow things right down instead of ending a dating scenario.

This isn't a woman you are dating so why is she of concern to you?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Absolutely yes for me but it's more along the lines of the man getting all 'we are in a serious relationship' before I have had a chance of taking things day to day to just even get to know him - I won't elaborate on my own experience though as you usually tell me it's just my perception and that I am wrong.

 

 

That's clearly just her own preference - seems a little stifled to me but it's totally up to her and her choice.

Perhaps she has had some similar experiences to me and she has chosen to slow things right down instead of ending a dating scenario.

This isn't a woman you are dating so why is she of concern to you?

 

She is of no concern, just an example I used for the post about men moving too quickly in general.

[Lois_Griffin]

When I was single and dating in my late 40's, I found that most men (my age or a little older) were very anxious to get me off the market as soon as they could.

 

I would dread those conversations that began with, "what exactly are we?" when they'd want to define our dating/relationship status. Ugh. When I'd claim that I was their 'dream' girl because it wasn't my plan to lasso them and tie them down or drag them to the alter, they'd get all butt-hurt because that wasn't the answer they wanted to hear.

 

So yes, I agree that men (at least in my experience) seemed to be the ones wanting to get serious much sooner than I wanted to.

 

I think a lot of it stems from the fact that they just wanted to replace the 'mommy' they'd lost when they gotten divorced, is all.

[Timshel]

I don't think you are giving yourself or men enough credit Lois.

[Arieswoman]

I think it's a case of "horses for courses".

 

When I was divorced and dating I was no way going to get into any sexual stuff before I was sure that;

a) we were exclusive/monogamous and

b) we both agreed that we were "building for the future".

 

Any guy that didn't meet my standards got blown off pretty fast.

 

That was years ago so I don't know what the dating scene is like now.

 

If I was starting again then I would still have the same standards.

 

Others can do what they please.

 

However, we have so many threads on this site started by females who went back to a guy's house because they thought they had a "great connection", had sex and never heard from him again, that I wonder where these young females are stashing their brains when they engage with guys ??

[GemmaUK]

She is of no concern, just an example I used for the post about men moving too quickly in general.

 

Bit of an odd example to give though - most folk would be up for 2-3 dates per week initially with the odd text or call to set said dates up in between in the

early stages of dating.

 

You said about guys wanting to move in after a couple of months - make it a couple of weeks and you'd be closer to the mark!

[MissBee]

Whether or not you kiss on the first date is inconsequential, "too fast", when I've had it brought up or felt it, usually had to do with more consequential things (you mentioned moving in for example).

 

I have had a man tell me he loved me after 2 weeks, as well as a third date request to move in, I think this is too fast. Kissing is neither here nor there. I think too fast is speeding along a relationship before you really know this person and where you don't even get a chance to see red flags or if you're truly compatible because you lock yourself in based on the momentary high of whatever emotions or fear of losing them or just a desire to be with someone and then when the dust settles these things generally tend not to work. Whirlwinds often crash and burn because you simply need time to know someone. It's fine to feel strongly early on, but I think you should balance it with realizing that this isn't always sustainable and make yourself take things step by step.

 

I have gone too fast myself and also have been on the receiving end and got swept up and went along with it, even when part of me felt it was too much too soon, and inevitably it didn't work.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I think men are brainwashed into thinking that if they don't kiss on the first date and have sex by the third, then they will be 'friendzoned'. Moving much too fast just convinces the girl he's only after one thing. If she's convinced of that, either she'll be pleased and just 'use' him for a bit of fun too, or she will dump him because he has no emotional depth.

[SwordofFlame]

In my dating experience, if we didn't have sex by the third date, it went no where. It's almost as if people really don't need that much time to figure out if they like someone or maybe I just haven't met women where chemistry "grows over time" for them. I'm in my late 20s so maybe it is an age thing.

[mikeylo]

What I have seen is that guys above a certain age fall short of choice of women that would want to make them commit. When they find that , they want to seal it, irrespective of having sex or not and take her off the market. If he likes her, then sure as hell, other guys will want her as well. Before they jump in , he has to seal her.

Men tend to have a more competitive gene when it comes to women they want and keep as their own.

[Shining One]

Yes, I think men are brainwashed into thinking that if they don't kiss on the first date and have sex by the third, then they will be 'friendzoned'. Moving much too fast just convinces the girl he's only after one thing. If she's convinced of that, either she'll be pleased and just 'use' him for a bit of fun too, or she will dump him because he has no emotional depth.

In some cases, it's brainwashing, in others, it's pure experience. I've personally never had a positive experience from delayed intimacy. I've never had a promise of future intimacy come to fruition.

[Shorty Shortison]

I'm pretty sure that if a girl likes a guy alot, she's happy if he moves as fast as he wants and if she dosn't, anything is too fast OR too slow. It's not a man trend I'm pretty sure, just girls acting how they act.

[Gloria25]

Ok, I think the question here is "what" is too fast here?

 

I mean, the OP mentioned kissing on first dates and moving in with a girl...

 

I'm sorry, but neither of those two things - in my book - are "locking someone down", "taking them off the market", and/or doing anything to seal a deal....

 

Kissing someone is just kissing them - which may lead to sex...How is that a sign of commitment and/or the RL going somewhere permanent/lasting?

 

Also, shacking up with someone is again, is not progression in a RL...it just means that they have easy access to you and all that comes with a marriage (a woman to cook, clean, sex them on the regular) w/o having to put a ring on her finger....the o'l 'Why buy a cow when you can get the milk free' concept is going on...get her to move in with you and ride it out for as long as you can. OH, and while she's shacking up with you, he got someone to also split his bills with him. So, he gets convenient sex and someone to pay his bills. Also, statistics show that even if people who shack-up move on to marriage, they divorce shortly after...uh, look at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt - the celebrities who are having a pretty 'average' end to their marriage. They shacked up and played house for several years, and shortly after marrying, it's all over.

 

So, sorry, of the things the OP mentioned - kissing and shacking up - are not moving fast to me...To me it's a guy trying to get all the perks w/o commitment and I can see why some women are quick to tell them "no thanks". Actually, those women at least have some brains still left cuz, there's a lot of women who actually think a man is wanting more with them if he asks them to shack-up with him.

[Gloria25]

I do not wait past date 3 or 4 to have sex, and I have never had a woman dump me because of how quickly things progressed. My experience has been that if a woman is into me, she will most likely be making sex an issue by date 2 or 3.

 

Every time I took things slow, tried to get to know a girl, I find out in a couple weeks that she is dating some other dude. Never failed. I have even had women ask me if I was gay because I did not try and have sex with them quickly enough. So, yeah, I move fast. Never had a woman find a problem with it, either.

 

Well, it's like you gotta find a good space in between...

 

Cuz, IMO, there's a window and if you don't "claim" her (i.e. have sex with her, kiss/touch her), she's gonna put you in the friendzone and think you're not attracted to her.

[Gloria25]

Ok, I think the question here is "what" is too fast here?

 

I mean, the OP mentioned kissing on first dates and moving in with a girl...

 

I'm sorry, but neither of those two things - in my book - are "locking someone down", "taking them off the market", and/or doing anything to seal a deal....

 

Kissing someone is just kissing them - which may lead to sex...How is that a sign of commitment and/or the RL going somewhere permanent/lasting?

 

Also, shacking up with someone is again, is not progression in a RL...it just means that they have easy access to you and all that comes with a marriage (a woman to cook, clean, sex them on the regular) w/o having to put a ring on her finger....the o'l 'Why buy a cow when you can get the milk free' concept is going on...get her to move in with you and ride it out for as long as you can. OH, and while she's shacking up with you, he got someone to also split his bills with him. So, he gets convenient sex and someone to pay his bills. Also, statistics show that even if people who shack-up move on to marriage, they divorce shortly after...uh, look at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt - the celebrities who are having a pretty 'average' end to their marriage. They shacked up and played house for several years, and shortly after marrying, it's all over.

 

So, sorry, of the things the OP mentioned - kissing and shacking up - are not moving fast to me...To me it's a guy trying to get all the perks w/o commitment and I can see why some women are quick to tell them "no thanks". Actually, those women at least have some brains still left cuz, there's a lot of women who actually think a man is wanting more with them if he asks them to shack-up with him.

 

Oh, and I wanted to add too...

 

When a guy moves too fast also, it could be a sign of desperation and/or controlling issues. So yes, if a guy is like ILY in barely three months, and wants to marry you in six months, something's wrong.

[Shanex]

Because men are afraid of being put in the friend zone, I've made that mistake too often, younger. I KNOW when a woman is interested (or not) in me. Women are clever enough to show signs, their attitude, their smile, their expression will be probably just like us men show interest, but probably more subtedly.

 

We had a similar convo with enigma in the sexual subforum lately and I'll repeat myself, again. I cannot even think of a woman I have been in relationship or LTR with whom I didn't have sex soon enough, probably on date 4 or 5 at the most, even 14 years ago.

 

It's not a sign of our times, it has been since I was an adult. And I wasn't even the one always pushing for sex, is it my background ? Is it only the West? Not sure about that. And reading stories here about younger girls or IRL stories make me think it's even worse today.

 

I have boundaries, was always monogamous in said RS, practice safe sex every time if hook-ups, don't have same day lay either and I'm neither a junkie or a drunk. But I'm not preaching to wait for marriage to have sex. More power to those who do. Thus far I've mostly been enjoying myself.

[Arieswoman]

Shining One #15

 

I've personally never had a positive experience from delayed intimacy. I've never had a promise of future intimacy come to fruition.

 

It depends what you mean by "intimacy".

 

Sex isn't intimacy. All sex tells you is if your bits fit together OK.

[Shining One]

It depends what you mean by "intimacy".

 

Sex isn't intimacy. All sex tells you is if your bits fit together OK.

I meant sex. It tells you more than if your bits fit together. It tells you that she has sexual interest in you, which is a good thing to know.

[Miss Peach]

Exactly, but not every girl is the same, so people will have different windows. I remember meeting a girl years ago, went out on one date with her, took things kinda slow that date, and she cancelled our next date, because some other guy got to her first. A lot of guys probably have similar stories.

 

My exBF almost lost me this way too. A few other guys did lose me to my ex. At the same time, I don't want to be in an insta-relationship with someone. I want to pace things and get to know them before making that choice.

 

Because men are afraid of being put in the friend zone, I've made that mistake too often, younger. I KNOW when a woman is interested (or not) in me. Women are clever enough to show signs, their attitude, their smile, their expression will be probably just like us men show interest, but probably more subtedly.

 

We had a similar convo with enigma in the sexual subforum lately and I'll repeat myself, again. I cannot even think of a woman I have been in relationship or LTR with whom I didn't have sex soon enough, probably on date 4 or 5 at the most, even 14 years ago.

 

I always wait on sex but I do not hesitate to make out with a man I'm into.

[No_Go]

Too slow is ok if and only if there is strong attraction. If not - if is the kiss of the death in a daring situation. It appears that the man is not assertive, not confident, not attractive enough, which immediately classifies him as beta- good guy, but just for friends.

 

If strong attraction is there - slow approach builds enormous anticipation, but that's rare.

 

I didn't move forward with 2 perfect-on -paper dudes because there was no physical contact by date 3... If I was super into them I would wait. If they were faster - I may have given it a shot. But lukewarmness plus no physical touch is just a no go situation.