rble618740 Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Last year, about this time, my husband and I were separated for about 2 1/2 months. I feel like I did everything right - I bettered myself, I told him not to come home out of guilt (that I loved him but that I could be happy without him if he chose to divorce), I drew boundaries and guarded them lovingly, etc. It worked. My husband came home and our relationship has been MUCH stronger since we've reconciled. Sometimes, though, I find myself harboring a little resentment about my husband leaving last year. I wonder whether it's a bad idea to give him insight into how much I suffered (since I was careful to put up such a strong front while we were separated). I know I've got to let the past go, but sometimes my husband seems content to pretend last year never happened - and I'm not sure he knows how often and how deeply I still hurt over our separation. Any advice?
dgiirl Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Did you guys go into counselling when you guys reconciled? I can only dream I'll end up in your situation, so I really cant give you any advice that's proven to work. But I know if my stbxh did come back, we're going to counselling right away. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. He left and abandoned you and you two never fully discussed it because it wasnt the proper time. But now that crisis mode is over, you're starting to feel the full affects of what happen. Personally, I would go to IC first and talk it out with a therapist. I would also talk it out with your husband (after seeing a therapist). The more you keep these feelings bottled up, the more resentful you're going to become. I believe in putting everything onto the table. When you keep things hidden for the sake of not hurting the other person, it stays unresolved and it keeps nagging at you getting worse and worse. But if you can address your concerns, and if he can really understand the magnitude of hurt he caused to you, it can make things better because you'll both know if he ever goes down that road again, he will cause this much pain in you again, and it will be a conscience decision.
stillrecovering Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My H & I were separated for 1 year. We have successfully worked it out, and have been back together for 9 months. Our relationship is definetly stronger, but I feel from time to time resentment about his leaving as well. I am still in individual counseling, we have not seen the marriage counselor for awhile now but I think we need a refresher, it really helps. I think this feeling is so normal, as long as it does not consume you. Most men would (especially if they did the leaving) try to leave it in the past, and not want to rehash it. Mainly out of guilt, I would think. I try not to bring it up, but sometimes I can't help it and I may say something sarcastic. He will get upset with me and I will say, sorry but it still hurts sometimes. I really believe it takes along time to heal & build the trust again. But i believe over time and a lot of work on yourself & your marriage, that feeling will disapate over time. Counseling really does help put those feelings in perspective as well.
Author rble618740 Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 I appreciate the kind and helpful words. I have promised myself not to hold my husband "hostage" by using the past against him. I don't think I do that, but I make little comments and I think it's happening more frequently as time goes on (and in any event, more frequently than is good for us). dgiirl: I SO know your pain, and so does stillrecovering. If you look up my past posts, they give some insight into my situation. I am ALWAYS willing to discuss my separation and the things I did while my husband was living away from me. I don't have the answers, but in my case, things worked out. Please feel free to IM me or start a thread with some specific questions about how to handle the separation. I will definitely respond. stillrecovering: I wish I had adopted your name, it certainly applies to me. We're on about the same timeline, my husband came home 11 months ago. He was gone for only 2 1/2 months though. You are VERY strong to have handled a separation for a year. If you don't mind, I may keep your scenario in the back of my mind and ask you some follow-up questions about "life after reconciliation." It's a topic that doesn't get discussed much on Loveshack. Thanks, again, for your insight - ladies. It's helpful to know I'm not just being vicious and insane!
Cis Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Hi Ladies! This is interesting to me. My husband and I have been separated since March 9th (4 months). Just a few weeks ago, my husband started to forgive me (I had a very stupid affair), and has agreed to return to MC! We've hurt each other so much and we have so much to repair (he had a playback affair with his ex-wife and took her to Europe to boot!), he drank too much and I was/am too "aggressive" . We're both in a wait and see mode since we've just started working on "us". We're both in IC and my husband started group therapy! Oy! we must be spending over $3,000 per month on therapy... But I'm interested in how and when you decided to live together again. Who made the suggestion? How did you know the time was right? Cis
dgiirl Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by rble618740 dgiirl: I SO know your pain, and so does stillrecovering. If you look up my past posts, they give some insight into my situation. I am ALWAYS willing to discuss my separation and the things I did while my husband was living away from me. I don't have the answers, but in my case, things worked out. Please feel free to IM me or start a thread with some specific questions about how to handle the separation. I will definitely respond. rble, that's so very generous of you. I will definitely look up your previous posts and perhaps even take you up on your offer At the moment, I'm just in limbo. I'm about 5 months removed and have very very limited contact with him. He simply came home one day and left the next. Never once an indication he was unhappy, and even when directly asked he reassured me everything was fine. Right now I dont think there's much I can do. There's another woman, and I really dont feel like begging him to come back. If he wants to leave, then good luck. I've experienced soooo much pain, but I've also analyzed a lot of the problems. I'm not perfect but I'm understanding more about the problems in our marriage than I ever realized before. I'm still praying for a miracle, but if he did come back, I dont know if I could forgive him. It all depends on how he came back and why he came back and what he did, but if he really understood the pain he caused me, and I can really believe he'd never do it again, then maybe it could work. That's why I think your resentment is really understandable. And if it was me, I'd have to address it. I know it would prevent me from getting close to him unless I knew I could talk about how it hurt me and what it did to me, and I really know he understood what it did and knew he'd never do it again. Thanks again for your offer and good luck with your marriage
stillrecovering Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Cis, Reconcillation can be a long & painful road. You both have to be willing to face your demons with as much love, honesty & understanding that you can muster. Having said that, it can also be an amazing awakening for both of you, to discover who you are again and the opportunity to fall back in love. It is a two step forward, two step backward process. Luckily for us, we were willing to really hear each other and be totally present. It took 4 months for us to decide to live together again, I think we felt it earlier but did not want to make any hasty decsions, particually because of our son. We certainly did not want to put him thru that again. We were lucky in the fact that we had the whole summer to ourselves (son in sleepaway camp) to really spend the time openly, date, have fun and try not to get too deep (we saved that for therapy). I think you just know in your heart when the time is right. Nothing is ever perfect, marriage like almost anything in life that is worthwhile is a work in progress. The fact that both of you are on the same page to try to work it out, is a first step. I wish you lots of luck. Posting is so helpful, it really saved me in my year of insanity.
RecordProducer Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Let it go. Couples should have ONLY sweet moments in order to make a fairy tale. Life is not a fairy tale so any negative feelings, innuendoes, and arguments leave a bitter taste and diminish the quality of the marriage. When we try too hard to make things clear, we usually dig them up to the surface (many times) and lead a long battle that only helps us get rid of the anger accumulated in our hearts. If you have to let him know how much he hurt you then do it just once, calmly, friendly and don't ever mention it again. For your own sake.
b52srock Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Since there is absolutely no hope my exH is coming back to me I can only dream of being given the chance that you have However, I will say that I have to agree with going to IC and talking it out with a therapist. I'm a firm believer in therapy helping (wish exH would have believed). I don't think my exH has any clue how much this past year and a half has hurt me, and continues to hurt. He's too busy moving on with his girlfriend (affair=divorce). Deep down, I hope someday he does realize it, and I think that may be some of what you're feeling, too. We want them to know how much they've hurt us. Yes, partially because we want them to suffer, too, and partially because we want them to feel guilty. But I think we also have a part of us that wants them to know these things so they think twice before hurting someone they love again.
Cis Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 B52~ One of the things I just keep telling myself is that I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me! That in the end, we will both be happier if we choose to reconcile completely or decide to go about our separate ways. Fence sitting is no way to live. I'm not sure how long I can be in this limbo state - but I owe it to my marriage to at lease live with this ambiguity for a year. We're six months in - Hang in there - I know you will someday meet someone who wants to fully explore life and love with you. Cis
Recommended Posts