I'm so alone

[Confusedandlost14]

Hi, I need some advice and to vent. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and 6 months ago I ended It due to his drinking and because he showed no affection or care towards me. We were separated for 2 weeks and he begged for a second chance he gave up drinking and jumped through any hoop i asked him to to get me back. He promised he would never be ignorant of me again and swore he would be the best man I'd ever had and for the first 2 months he was, It was bliss. 4 months ago I very sadly had a miscarriage we were so excited about the baby and it hit us both when we lost it. Since then it's like we are just friends there's no nil affection no sex just the occasional habitual "love you". I've tried talking to him about it several times and he swears it's not the miscarriage it's not me and that he still is attracted to me. I'm a slender decent looking woman and other men notice me and hit on me and I've always had a ok self esteem level but now I feel completely unattractive disgusting and unwanted. When he was drinking I used his drinking as a reason for the "just friends" relationship and that was my coping strategy now I have nothing to blame and I've started blaming me. My closest friend is no longer speaking to me because I took him back so I have no one to cry to. We have. 3 kids and he is a wonderful dad and the kids love him to bits but I feel completely alone unwanted hurt angry and deceived. The only things keeping me going are my kids and my job. I cry in the shower most mornings because I just can't cope anymore. We have been together 3 years in total and my ex husband, and the kids biological dad, had a great sex life so until now didn't think there was men that didn't want sex and touching so I'm completely lost. I see couples kissing etc and it hurts because it's the one thing missing in my life. I feel guilty because he made all these changes to win me back and I feel like I'm saying it's not good enough but I don't know how much longer I can go on. I love him dearly and I don't want to end it but I need passion and desire and affection so badly and it annoys me that something I've told him affects me so much he doesn't seem to be try and fix, he promised me it would be different and he's given up I want the 2 months back that was bliss the 2 months he promised would be forever

[Buddhist]

His intention to change may very well have been genuine but human's are creatures of habit and you've both had a shock in the middle of that too. It's not unusual for people to retreat into themselves and their old ways when they are in need of emotional comfort. At least he hasn't resorted back to drinking as a result of this grief over the baby. That is something positive.

 

I understand you want those two months back but there is a grieving process in train right now. Maybe retreating into himself is how he grieves.

[preraph]

So you didn't say otherwise, so I'm assuming he is still staying sober.

 

I think I know exactly what you need. You need to attend an AA meeting and then I think they have them for family of alcoholics, so there you could ask. Look, if he has been drinking all these years and just dried out, he will undergo big changes in his mind and his body and those changes will continue for months or even years. This could include losing his sex drive temporarily. You should join a support group for that and it will help you understand what he is going through. He has been kind of spinning in place all these years and now he's sober and will feel crappy for some time and sometimes overly emotional or not emotional and just numb.

 

Please don't take it all personally, but give him a chance to recuperate.

 

I'm very sorry for your miscarriage. I imagine that and all the stress with your husband has you understandably depressed. You really need to get into a meeting. Google Al-Anon Family Groups for starters and see if there's one in your area. If not, don't give up because I bet the group will have a referral.

Please just take a deep breath and get some support so you can talk to someone and find out what to expect and without rocking the boat with your recovering husband. Just keep encouraging him every day he stays sober.

[Satu]

I agree with Buddhist in that grief is playing a part in this.

 

preraph is also right on the money.

 

It might be helpful for both of you to have some counselling, firstly as individuals, and then possibly as a couple.

 

There is love in the relationship, and that makes think it can be saved.

 

Make some enquiries about sources for counselling in your area.

 

Keep your chin up, all is not lost.

 

 

Take care.

[Confusedandlost14]

Hi guys,

Thankyou so much. He did about 2 weeks ago say he apologises for being dismissive for the past few months that he guesses he had stuff on his mind but even since then he's still withdrawn and it's getting worse. Yes he's still sober after 35 odd years of drinking heavily a feat I'm astonishingly proud of him for. It's like there's a pink elephant in the room that no one's talking about when we are together it's tension and I don't know how to fix it. He has his entire working life worked high stress big jobs 10+ hours a day, him working so much was also a reason I ended It when.i did. Unfortunately due to a drunken incident just prior to our break-up he lost his job and is still not working (which is fine I earn enough and we decided when we reconciled he would stay at home as a stay at home dad) but I wonder if that's an issue for him. I want to help him I want him to be ok but whenever I ask if he's ok he snaps and says "of course I'm ok jesus I don't always have to smile do I" in conversations where he's opened up a little bit he's said he hates being cornered about his feelings and that he'd prefer I didn't push so do I just ride the wave build his confidence and support him or do I ask that we go to counselling. He used to go to AA meetings but he doesn't anymore. I don't want to end it but I'm struggling to hang on. It doesn't even feel like he loves me anymore even though he swears he does. I hate thinking about him being inside himself and depressed

[smackie9]

It's ultimatum time....he NEEDS to go back to the meetings, and you need to go too. AA is not just for alcoholics, there are also support groups for people who live with an alcoholic. This is something you both need to do. If he refuses to go, then you leave, simple as that.

[preraph]

Hi guys,

Thankyou so much. He did about 2 weeks ago say he apologises for being dismissive for the past few months that he guesses he had stuff on his mind but even since then he's still withdrawn and it's getting worse. Yes he's still sober after 35 odd years of drinking heavily a feat I'm astonishingly proud of him for. It's like there's a pink elephant in the room that no one's talking about when we are together it's tension and I don't know how to fix it. He has his entire working life worked high stress big jobs 10+ hours a day, him working so much was also a reason I ended It when.i did. Unfortunately due to a drunken incident just prior to our break-up he lost his job and is still not working (which is fine I earn enough and we decided when we reconciled he would stay at home as a stay at home dad) but I wonder if that's an issue for him. I want to help him I want him to be ok but whenever I ask if he's ok he snaps and says "of course I'm ok jesus I don't always have to smile do I" in conversations where he's opened up a little bit he's said he hates being cornered about his feelings and that he'd prefer I didn't push so do I just ride the wave build his confidence and support him or do I ask that we go to counselling. He used to go to AA meetings but he doesn't anymore. I don't want to end it but I'm struggling to hang on. It doesn't even feel like he loves me anymore even though he swears he does. I hate thinking about him being inside himself and depressed

 

Of course, not working is an issue for him. He needs to be working to keep him busy and engaged with something. He's probably getting surly because he's not working. Let him go to work -- and you both need to be attending regular meetings! It's a must.

[Redhead14]

Hi, I need some advice and to vent. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and 6 months ago I ended It due to his drinking and because he showed no affection or care towards me. We were separated for 2 weeks and he begged for a second chance he gave up drinking and jumped through any hoop i asked him to to get me back. He promised he would never be ignorant of me again and swore he would be the best man I'd ever had and for the first 2 months he was, It was bliss. 4 months ago I very sadly had a miscarriage we were so excited about the baby and it hit us both when we lost it. Since then it's like we are just friends there's no nil affection no sex just the occasional habitual "love you". I've tried talking to him about it several times and he swears it's not the miscarriage it's not me and that he still is attracted to me. I'm a slender decent looking woman and other men notice me and hit on me and I've always had a ok self esteem level but now I feel completely unattractive disgusting and unwanted. When he was drinking I used his drinking as a reason for the "just friends" relationship and that was my coping strategy now I have nothing to blame and I've started blaming me. My closest friend is no longer speaking to me because I took him back so I have no one to cry to. We have. 3 kids and he is a wonderful dad and the kids love him to bits but I feel completely alone unwanted hurt angry and deceived. The only things keeping me going are my kids and my job. I cry in the shower most mornings because I just can't cope anymore. We have been together 3 years in total and my ex husband, and the kids biological dad, had a great sex life so until now didn't think there was men that didn't want sex and touching so I'm completely lost. I see couples kissing etc and it hurts because it's the one thing missing in my life. I feel guilty because he made all these changes to win me back and I feel like I'm saying it's not good enough but I don't know how much longer I can go on. I love him dearly and I don't want to end it but I need passion and desire and affection so badly and it annoys me that something I've told him affects me so much he doesn't seem to be try and fix, he promised me it would be different and he's given up I want the 2 months back that was bliss the 2 months he promised would be forever

 

Whenever someone stops drinking, their personality seems to change, when in fact, it's simply that the drinking altered the original personality. If he has been sober and continues to be sober, he will be experiencing withdrawals, depression, doubt, and it does affect the libido. Recovery doesn't happen overnight or in 6 months. It's a long, long road often filled with relapses and personality shifts, attitude shifts, mood changes, etc. Six months is a drop in the bucket in terms of recovery. And, alcoholism doesn't get "cured", it just gets managed. An alcoholic is an alcoholic forever simply because of the strong possibility of relapses.

 

He needs to enter into a long-term program and be away from the family for quite a while, not the 28 day quick fix, programs. They are good in terms of education and getting the person to focus on and accept and acknowledge that there is a problem, but a longer term, in patient, program allows for supervised detox, and counseling to address the other psychological reasons that have caused the person to self-medicate. There is usually an underlying cause for the drinking. In other words, unless and until, the root of the need for drinking is addressed, it's much more difficult to recover.

 

I feel guilty because he made all these changes to win me back -- You shouldn't feel guilty about it, but the fact is that he needs to change because HE wants to change and fully accepts the need to do that for HIMSELF first.

 

Alcoholics are often very selfish . . . not intentionally necessarily, but by nature of the disease, The disease, the alcohol, comes before a relationship. His relationship with alcohol is first.

 

Is he attending AA meetings and/or going to counseling? Are you attending Alanon meetings? Until you both attempt to seek outside support and input from others experiencing similar situations, you haven't done everything you possibly can to save the marriage.

 

The fact is that a couple cannot manage alcoholism in the vacuum of a relationship. Outside support and education are extremely important. This is something that neither of you have the skills to deal with on your own. If nothing else, for your sake, attending Alanon meetings will allow you to socialize and talk about all this with people who really get it. You need to get educated about this in a real way.

 

And, while I do understand how this affects your esteem, you need to be a strong, independent woman for the sake of the children. Do something nice for yourself each day. Take a walk, sit down with a cup of tea, buy yourself something you've been wanting. Focus on you and take good care of yourself. That's very important for you, your children and your husband.

 

If I were you, I would demand that he attend counseling with you and get some direction about how to proceed with all this. A counselor will set him up with local resources.

[Gaeta]

If he stopped going to his AA meeting than he is drinking again you have just not figured it out yet.

 

He is impatient, and unpleasant, he is not working and probably drinking again and all this living under the roof of 3 children that are not his. Where is your maternal instinct? Your children are your priorities.

 

Ask husband to move out and to figure himself out. You took him back because he was sober 2 weeks, that's a joke! You don't drink 35 years than stop in 2 weeks and all is dandy. Very naive of you.

 

It shocks me that you were ready to bring a new child, a 4th one, in the middle of this.

 

You work and make a good enough earning to support yourself and your children, you don't need this man sitting on your couch all day long, feeling depressed and latching at you when you come back home.