TooRational Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 So I need advice on how to break-up with a woman I've been dating lately (~4 weeks, 4-5 dates). I was hoping for a spark but it just never came. Nothing wrong with her, we're just not compatible. Now I feel like I'm being dishonest by continuing this relationship. I feel like a jerk already so I want to make it as painless (probably not the right word) as possible. So, by phone or in person? In person would be best but it's complicated. We have a date planned this Saturday. Actually a 6 hours hike up a mountain, followed by the first night at my place. I really enjoy hiking. She does too, more so than me. We won't meet before tomorrow. So, how should I go about it? If I do it during the hike, we might have to spend hours of awkward walking moments, plus a 1.5h drive back together. Doesn't sound ideal. Doing it at my place after also doesn't sound ideal. I'd feel bad for "faking it" during the hike, not mentioning the fact that I'm actually inviting a girl to my place for the first time to.... break up with her?? So a phone call tonight actually doesn't sound all that bad compared to the other options. Enjoying the hike tomorrow and waiting a few more days before breaking up also doesn't seem like such a bad idea but it wouldn't be honest. I guess I could also find an excuse to meet up tonight but it would be strange. We met last night and again tomorrow. Tonight is supposed to be "household chores" night for both of us. If I ask to meet she'll know something is up. Well, she'll know at some point anyway so maybe this is best. Writing this all down makes me realize that the best way is probably to go over to her place tonight. Do you guys agree? Please don't be too harsh, I'm struggling to do the right thing here. Yep, I'm probably overthinking this as usual...
jen1447 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Sooner rather than later is always better, and give her the option how. Don't go on the hike. Call her instead and say you "need to talk," which she'll immediately know the meaning of, then say you want to discuss it in person and if she does too, fine, honor that, but she might just let you get it over w by phone and leave it at that. Let that be her call. Bonus tip - assuming she's a grown woman, don't BS or patronize her. Be generally honest. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Call now and end it. Don't waste her time meeting up. 6
aloneinaz Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Call now and end it. Don't waste her time meeting up. ^^ This! She'd be pissed if she met up with you after only one month for you to tell her you don't want to see her anymore. At one month or 5-6 dates? Is it REALLY breaking up? I'll give you credit. Today, most folks simply ghost the person and their silence means their done. Seriously, call her on the phone. Be kind, considerate and keep it short. I personally wouldn't want to know all the "why's" that you're not feeling it with me. Again, at that short of length, it shouldn't rattle anyone to bad. 1
Shanex Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Sooner rather than later is always better, and give her the option how. Don't go on the hike. Call her instead and say you "need to talk," which she'll immediately know the meaning of, then say you want to discuss it in person and if she does too, fine, honor that, but she might just let you get it over w by phone and leave it at that. Let that be her call. Bonus tip - assuming she's a grown woman, don't BS or patronize her. Be generally honest. Pretty much. Not your fault, no spark and no need to lead her on. Doesn't make you a jerk. It would if you keep on trying whereas you don't see yourself committed to her in anyway. I think in-person is better, on the phone she may be a bit upset. But it's only been a month and she should get it.
Author TooRational Posted September 23, 2016 Author Posted September 23, 2016 Yeah, I don't know if "break up" is the right word here but don't know what else to call it. We did spend a fair amount of time together. Neither of us are into the habit of dating several people on a regular basis either, so I guess it was a little more significant than "typical" dates, even if we were not yet at the bf/gf stage. Anyway, I'll call her tonight as you guys suggest and give her the option to meet if she wants to. I was at the receiving end of that 3 months ago and I needed to meet one last time to get closure. I'll offer her that at least.
spriggan2 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Only offer friendship if you truly mean it.
Bialy Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Just call her. Don't waste her time or your time by going on an all day hike. 1
Author TooRational Posted September 24, 2016 Author Posted September 24, 2016 It's done. Gosh this was hard. I called her and offered her to talk on the phone or in person. I kinda pushed to see her in person and she agreed. I tried to be as honest as I could manage (still not 100%). She took it well all things considered. I cried way more than she did. She remained quite stoic. She only showed emotions at the end when when hugged good bye. I think she appreciated my honesty and me telling her face to face. She didn't see it coming though. Now I need to explain why I feel like a jerk. It's kinda my confession. I didn't feel that special spark from the beginning. But she was kinda attractive and she seemed receptive to my flirting. So I pursued her, to boost my ego. On our third date, after I had told her that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, she made it clear that she was. She hinted that she wouldn't go further unless I was interested in more than a fling. I wasn't. She thought she might make me change my mind and I let her believe that. At that point I was fairly certain that this wouldn't work out and wouldn't turn into a relationship. But here I was, in the hot tub with her, moments away from her kissing me. So when she asked me if "not looking for a relationship" was simply code for "she's not my type of girl". I lied. I was sexually attracted, but I didn't feel that special connection with her. I let her kiss me and things escalated to sex. We met last night and had sex for the second time. Only tonight did I have the balls to tell her my true feelings. So, I feel dirty. I feel like a jerk. I feel like I used her for sex. I took advantage of her attraction to me. I have not been honest with her. She deserves better.
sooshi Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 You're right, she does deserve better. Learn from the poor choices you made this time around, and don't make them again in the future. Be honest, through and through. Thanks for your honesty here. You demonstrate an ability look within and confront truths about yourself that aren't very nice, and that is a good quality to have. Take care. 4
Recommended Posts