Is There A Difference With Cheating With The Same Sex?

[MissCongeniality]

So something I've often heard is that it's worse for a woman if she finds out her husband cheated on her with a man. I can understand this because if he cheats with another woman it is both shocking and is of course a betrayal. However I can see how the spouse cheating with a same sex partner can be very soul crushing because it's like finding out your partner is literally not who you thought he or she was.

 

It's the kind of thing I suspect that can make you question everything about the relationship down to every moment shared. However at the same time in this day and age I find it hard to believe that a person woudn't see signs of the partners true sexuality or at least suspect.

 

I feel it raises the question of wether the relationship was real or not. What is your opinion on this do you think that it's the same or do you think that someone cheating with the same sex is an even bigger betrayal?

 

I'm asking because as a kid I'd go to my local library and see all these books on and about women who discovered their husbands were gay. Ever since I've often wondered if it's worse than dealing with a "regular" cheater.

[jen1447]

It's not the gender that does the damage but the lying - e.g. if you knew your guy was bi and he cheated w a guy it'd be no diff, but also having to deal w the first-time revelation your man was bi - yeah that'd be worse. But bc he misled you or kept secrets specifically.

 

I should also point out that in the case of women on women, they're every bit as much of a threat to men as other men. Mainly bc it seems to a be a popular notion that it's not 'real' ....until it happens to you and they run off together happily ever after.

[BTDT2012]

If my WH had cheated with a man I would not have been willing to try to reconcile.

[alsudduth]

All hypothetical of course, but I feel like if my H had an affair with a man, I'd have an easier time forgiving and understanding. The lying would hurt and the affair itself would hurt, but I would much rather support him if he was finally able to be true to himself and the fact that he is not into ladies. I don't think I could understand as easily if he were to fall in love with another woman.

 

In other words, with a guy - I could understand because my belief system is that you are born that way, and would imagine that he suppressed it long enough....whereas with another woman, it would be "What does she have that I don't" that would be super devastating to me.

[alsudduth]

I should also point out that in the case of women on women, they're every bit as much of a threat to men as other men. Mainly bc it seems to a be a popular notion that it's not 'real' ....until it happens to you and they run off together happily ever after.

 

true....my aunt had an affair and left my uncle for another woman after being married over 20 years....

[doyathinkso]

Cheating is cheating.

[SammySammy]

Gender makes a difference to some people.

 

Some men may not be as hurt if his wife cheats with a woman. Some women may be devastated if their husband cheats with a man. Or vice versa.

 

Others feel all infidelity is the same.

 

I don't think there's a universal answer that applies to everyone, but I'm sure there are people who are more or less hurt if their spouse cheats with the same sex. Gender does matter to some.

[Davey L]

I think for my wife it would be worse if I had an affair with a man. I'm not gay or bi, by the way, but an incident early on in our relationship made her suspect I was.

 

On the other hand one time I found my wife in bed with a woman in a compromising position and I wasn't too bothered. In fact it ended up being a lot of fun. I think the main reason I was ok with it was because I did not perceive any threat to our relationship, she is more straight than gay, she just liked to play the lesbian thing once in a while.

[Mrs. John Adams]

In my opinion...cheating is cheating. A sexual relationship without your spouses knowledge or approval...regardless of gender...is cheating.

[DKT3]

Yes Mrs JA, but same sex doesn't really take the same swing at your ego. Gone would be the direct comparison, clearly your partner would be interested in something you don't have.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh society thinks VERY differently when it comes to man-on-man vs women-on-women. Ahhh the great educator that porn is!!!

 

I agree cheating is cheating because it's all about the description, betrayal, loss of....you know! Pretty much every emotional bit of you.

 

I get the argument that man-on-man infidelity could be perceived as worse (by a wife) because everything then comes into doubt. I bet you do question your whole life. The true meaning of all of those moments held so dear....My H had an affair with a coworker (I even threw her birthday party in my home!) we reconciled...12 years later he had an A with the SAME woman. I doubt everything!! My life, even the 'happy' bits make me cry & everything triggers panic attacks, heart pain & nausea.

 

Is one worse than the other? Until you've actually lived through these things you don't know.

 

I remember being in my early 20's & my cousin telling me that she had an A with a MM & slept with another who's a friend of ours. Obviously I wasn't happy!! I didn't hear it with the same ears as I would now after so much agony.

 

Life! Ugh!!!

[drifter777]

If my WW cheated with a woman it wouldn't have bothered me all that much. If she wanted to reconcile I would just figure she's bi or was really curious and deal with it. It would not have crushed my self-esteem to the extent that her cheating with a couple other men did. If she wanted to replace me with a woman I would just figure she was a lesbian since the start and had tried to be hetero but couldn't hold it together anymore. I would have walked away without holding any malice toward her at all.

[Wade Lamare]

Well I suppose it is extremely unlikely that there will be any pregnancy involved.

 

While I can see that for men at least the physical 'sting' might not be there to the same extent, the deceit, lies, secrecy, blameshifting and gaslighting would be just as upsetting.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes Mrs JA, but same sex doesn't really take the same swing at your ego. Gone would be the direct comparison, clearly your partner would be interested in something you don't have.

 

I guess it depends on who you are and your moral ethics then...I personally would be devastated regardless.

[CarrieT]

I've told this story often enough, but I was married at 20 and after about four years of marriage, I got the flu at work and had to come home early - only to find my husband in a people puddle of other men.

 

That sort of deception was far more devastating than if he had been having an affair with a woman. Another female is something against whom I could compare, but finding him having sex with men made me question our entire marriage.

 

Took me years of therapy and most of my subsequent relationships were broken in some fashion. I lowered the bar on guys I got involved with, thinking that an abuser or a cross-dresser or a high-school drop out at least wanted to have sex with me, where the man I had avowed myself to did not.

[JewelD]

If I was with a man who cheated with a man, it would definitely be worse imo. Not only is he cheating, but he's cheating with a man who is offering him things I can't deliver because I'm not a man.

 

Although I was on the other end where I cheated with a woman when I had a bf. It was a little different though because he had given me the A-OK to be with this girl in a relationship. It was actually his idea. But when he saw she was getting all my time and attention, he told me to break up with her.

 

But I wasn't cheating because I was solely interested in women, it was because she was better partner than he was. I didn't even have sex with her, so it was more of an emotional thing.

 

But I guess it all depends on if the partner is cheating for sex or emotional reasons. But if your man wants a penis, you can't deliver that. A dildo, sure, but he might want the real thing and because you'll never be able to fulfill that role, you'd always have to be worried about him stepping out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Gone would be the direct comparison, clearly your partner would be interested in something you don't have.

 

And most troubling, something you obviously couldn't provide.

 

That sort of deception was far more devastating than if he had been having an affair with a woman. Another female is something against whom I could compare, but finding him having sex with men made me question our entire marriage.

 

Agreed. The hardest part for me would be realizing the person I loved and had chosen didn't trust me enough to be vulnerable and reveal their true self. Very tough to accept...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bubbaganoosh]

If I found my wife in bed with another woman, I would be just as pissed if it was another guy.

 

First of all the trust issue is gone. If you can't trust your husband or wife of all people then you don't have much of a marriage.

 

Not to mention that how do I (a man) compete with a woman. It would be a humiliating experience and I couldn't handle it. All in all she's gone and there's no way I take her back.

[aileD]

An affair is horrible anyway for the lying and deceit.

 

If my husband were to have an affair with a man, and it was an emotional affair, this would be worse for me. Knowing that our relationship didn't really have a chance...that there as no way I could give him what another man could. It wouldn't hurt my self esteem because I believe your sexual preference is not a choice...so I wouldn't feel "not good enough". But I would feel devastated at the loss of my marriage. My partner

 

That said, I would be hurt for the lying....but easier to forgive him in the long run as he would be able to be his authentic self.

[Noirek]

Ahh sexuality, and the lame excuse of being gay to play down one's actions.

 

I have a cousin who did just this. Came out as a lesbian in order to lighten her afair and leave her husband for her lover. Except it turns out she is just bi because she actually does like dudes too.

 

Point being. It is many often times a sorry excuse to escape some of the sensorship. Perhaps the person was in denial about their bi tendencies and crossed boundaries with a same sex friendship. But they still crossed boundaries while married. And it doesn't change the fact they had met and fell in love with their first spouse. So the fact their affair partner is the same gender as them doesn't make it any more forgivable if they are bi. So they will usually switch teams to justify it instead of admit they are actually bi. And then do a little history rewritting to make it fit. They were never romantically in love with their spouse, they forced themselved to do it because of pressure, family, ect.... Is that true sometimes? Yes. Probably more so in highly conservative families. Or when the spouse is like "yeah I knew something was off with our sex life from the start". But for others where they feel line their spouse was really into them before switching teams, it was because your spouse was. Your spouse is just bi, and cheated on you.

[DKT3]

Ahh sexuality, and the lame excuse of being gay to play down one's actions.

 

I have a cousin who did just this. Came out as a lesbian in order to lighten her afair and leave her husband for her lover. Except it turns out she is just bi because she actually does like dudes too.

 

Point being. It is many often times a sorry excuse to escape some of the sensorship. Perhaps the person was in denial about their bi tendencies and crossed boundaries with a same sex friendship. But they still crossed boundaries while married. And it doesn't change the fact they had met and fell in love with their first spouse. So the fact their affair partner is the same gender as them doesn't make it any more forgivable if they are bi. So they will usually switch teams to justify it instead of admit they are actually bi. And then do a little history rewritting to make it fit. They were never romantically in love with their spouse, they forced themselved to do it because of pressure, family, ect.... Is that true sometimes? Yes. Probably more so in highly conservative families. Or when the spouse is like "yeah I knew something was off with our sex life from the start". But for others where they feel line their spouse was really into them before switching teams, it was because your spouse was. Your spouse is just bi, and cheated on you.

I agree, but emotionally for me it would have been easier to handle, but of course I can only speculate since her affair was with a dude, and not a woman.

[Noirek]

I agree, but emotionally for me it would have been easier to handle, but of course I can only speculate since her affair was with a dude, and not a woman.

 

That part I can get too. As I did sexually involve myself with a woman I can say that bothered my husband less than it the man. However the woman was my husband's friend so he was more upset with her than the man. Confused? Human emotions can be. However, my affair was with the man.

 

to be honest, i think whatever your spouse did to you is exactlt the worst way they could have betrayed you if that is the way you see it.

 

And if you are a half full kind of person you may see it as wel at least they didn't x,y,z. So i don't think there can ever be one answer on this.

[DKT3]

If I found my wife in bed with another woman, I would be just as pissed if it was another guy.

 

First of all the trust issue is gone. If you can't trust your husband or wife of all people then you don't have much of a marriage.

 

Not to mention that how do I (a man) compete with a woman. It would be a humiliating experience and I couldn't handle it. All in all she's gone and there's no way I take her back.

 

The betrayal would be the same, however I personally couldn't fault her if it was something she had about herself she had suppressed.

 

My biggest issue with my wife's affair was trying to understand it, the why's. This would make it easier for me to understand.

[spanz1]

 

I'm asking because as a kid I'd go to my local library and see all these books on and about women who discovered their husbands were gay.

 

it seems, now with social media and a freer society, that people who were previously afraid to express anything but a heterosexual persona, are now willing to experiment a little.

 

So lets say, and this is not a scientific thing at all, that your husband is a loving straight guy 80% of the time, but 20% of the time he looks at gay porn, or even hooks up with men for one night stands.

 

In other words, he is mostly straight, loves you, enjoys sex with you, but is just kinky/horny for something strange every once in a while.

 

Is that enough to kick his ass out the door? THAT would be YOUR decision. In such a case he is not really gay or straight, but bisexual.

 

And even if you are 100% hetero, maybe the fantasy of him bringing another man to your bedroom once in a while and you having a threesome turns you on. Once again, that is entirely up to you.

 

What IS important....extremely important,...is that there is honesty and communications going on here. If he is sneaking out for some strange and hiding it from you, that is devastating for the lying part of it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

if my wife cheated with a woman I don't think it would have hurt nearly as much, if it hurt at all.