SadandConfusedM Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 This will probably come off long winded and possibly annoying, but so much has happened to me over the last week. I would love to hear opinions because I am trying so hard to be strong. For a bit of background, I met my boyfriend (or now ex ) 3 years ago through a friend, we started talking and neither of us expected anything, but we just clicked and loved spending time and 3 years later we were essentially inseparable. He had a bad break up with his previous girlfriend where she dragged him around for about a year before she was ready to admit that it was truly over, so he was pretty nervous for a while about us. He at this point knows that I am not going to hurt him, but it affected us in small ways still. I would stay at his apartment every night except for like a Monday or two a month, in which we would just text and send pictures all night. We were always so happy, and had so much fun together. Over the last few weeks or maybe the last month we've both been stressed from work, family drama, etc and have been slightly snappy at each other but we're understanding and it never lasts, no distance, no hard feelings just us. We took off last Friday and this past Monday from work to spend the weekend with his mom, it was a great weekend and relatively relaxing (we live in the city, relaxing is tough). We came home late Sunday night to see a show, he got drunk and was being a little moody, but I ignored it and he was fine a few minutes later, but he did say something like "after tonight i think we need to go our separate ways", i ignored that also. The next morning we woke up, he was hungover and didnt seem super happy, but that has been teh normal with him the last month or so, I made a good breakfast we ate together again, totally fine, and he said okay lets go in the living room and watch a show. At this point I went up and gave him a hug, which was reciprocated but then said "you were just being a drunk jerk last night right? You don't want to break up with me" his response shocked me, he said oh no what did i say, then he continued to say "I don't know" and "I can't talk about his right now" not long after that he said "I care about you so much, but sometimes I feel like I want to be single". The conversation went on from here, he cried the whole time, as did I. He couldn't answer any questions it was all "I dont know, I don't know" it seems as if he is confused and doesn't even have any idea what is motivating him to do this. I have been in relationships and felt where they were fizzling out, or was able to see looking back that was the case. With him, nothing at all. After the conversation was over as much as it could be since he simply just didnt know what was going on in his head, he didnt want me to leave. We watched a show together. I started to pack up my stuff to leave and he lost it again couldn't stop crying. After this it was decided i'd just take a few thins that I would need and we'd worry about the rest later. I realized that I would have to go to the laundramat since i hadn't done laundry due to not expecting this, he told me to stay and do my laundry. He just wasn't in a rush to have me leave, it was so strange. We tried not to talk about it after that since i knew he was just so confused also that my questions wouldn't get me anywhere, but randomly i'd look over and he'd be crying again. When i went to leave finally maybe 2 hours later, neither of us could even speak we cried so hard, and when i hugged him goodbye we just held each other crying. he told me that I am the only person he has ever met that knows him, and did mention that sometimes he feels like he takes advantage of me even though he doesn't mean to, and it makes him feel guilty. ( He doesn't) Needless to say, i have been a mess for the last few days. I was weak and texted him the next morning essentially saying I thought we were making the wrong decision and he said: " I don't know what I think. It is killing me to hurt you but I don't want to act indecisive and make things work." I asked if his questioning his decision was based on hurting me only, or his feelings too. He stated "I don't know. I need some time." AT that point i decided I would obey his requests and not contact him. unfortunately, the next morning i was feeling weak again and reachd out essentially telling him how i missed him, and wanted us back. He told me he wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but followed up with "I need to be alone for awhile. I hate hurting you and i don't know how i'll feel in some span of time but right now I need some time to myself. I don't want to keep you hanging on and torture you because i've had that done to me and it was much worse that day. That said, all i know right now is I need some time." I didnt know what to say except that i'd do my best to continue with no contact until he was ready to talk, i did ask how my puppy was as well as a job he was looking into when we last talked, he responded saying how he has been just feeling kinda numb, and the dog has been sad and snuggley. He also told me i had some mail at his place, so we decided i'd come over that night to get it and then i could leave him be. when i went over i told him how it drove me crazy how I can't stop thinking about him and was wondering if he was having the same issue and he said yes. I gave him his sunglasses that were in my car and took a few things, but he is in no rush for me to get my stuff out of there. i am on my second day of full no contact, and it is driving me insane. i just miss him so much, and i can't really figure out what is going on. another important thing to note is that I am very close with his family, they're like mine at this point. His sister has been texting me like normal, so i asked if he had told his mom when i was there the other night and his response was "no, i haven't really been talking to anyone" during the original break up conversation i got upset and said "but i just am so obsessed with your family too" to which he started crying even harder and said "believe me they're so obsessed with you too" That has got to mean something to him?? I know he has anxiety and depression, but he has since i've been with him and he's never done this. Is he pushing me away because of that? He seems to be pained too, and just the fact that he's not in a rush for me to move my stuff ( i have ALOT of stuff there) and just says he doesn't know to everything is just so confusing. I know that i want him back, and i want him to be happy, but i can't seem to sort it all out. I would really appreciate any help/opinions. It will be extremely difficult but if i know that we'll be happy again in the end this would be easier. side note: even though I am probably more heartbroken than i ever have been, i still have this strong gut feeling things will be okay. Is that something to be ignored? sorry for the rant, but i'm just so sad and haven't seen anything comparable on my searches.
Zahara Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Dumpers go through their own slew of emotions when they are ending a relationship. And what you are describing is the norm but it does not mean anything more than while they are mostly certain about their decision, there is a sense of guilt and uncertainty that goes along with ending it -- hence the crying, I'm confused, I think, I'm hurt too, etc. It's doesn't mean much in comparison their decision to end it. Using "stuff" as hostage is usually a tactic dumpers use to keep the dumpee on the sidelines while they transition to being single and moving on. It's a tactic dumpees use to stay in the view of the dumper hoping it's a way to keep a lifeline. I would suggest to you that you get your things. Treat it as a break-up. Stay NC. He will never feel the loss of you if you keep hanging around and enabling his indecision. 3
stillafool Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 "I need to be alone for awhile. I hate hurting you and i don't know how i'll feel in some span of time but right now I need some time to myself. I don't want to keep you hanging on and torture you because i've had that done to me and it was much worse that day. That said, all i know right now is I need some time." He was crying his eyes out because it hurts him to hurt you. I don't think this break up is something that just happened overnight but he's been thinking about being single for a while. Maybe he still is struggling with feelings for his ex and has never really gotten over her. All couples go through stress, and family drama but they do not break up. That is just an excuse for him. I'm sorry that you are hurt but it is best not to contact him again and let him contact you if he wants to talk. You gave him back his sunglasses, did you get your mail? What did he do to make you say he isn't in a hurry for you to get your stuff out? 1
Author SadandConfusedM Posted September 23, 2016 Author Posted September 23, 2016 we are NC now, so I don't want to break that to get my other stuff, it is all stuff I can live without for now. I just miss him so much, and want him back. I am hoping that the NC helps. 1
Author SadandConfusedM Posted September 23, 2016 Author Posted September 23, 2016 The one thing I do know for sure is he is no longer caught up with his ex. He just is a little emotionally damaged from various past relationships, which I am too. I am 100% confident this has nothing to do with her. The one thing that keeps me I guess hopeful is that I know for sure if it was completely over he would say it's over, but I am having a hard time understanding his confusion in general. It is possible that he was feeling upset for a while, but as far as our relationship it was fine, he cannot hide things well. I know he's been really depressed and he self medicates with alcohol everynight, which just makes him more depressed. He is in his worse depression that I have ever seen, makes me feel like its possible that he is pushing me away because of that? It is unlike him to not tell his mom things like this also, he is very close with her. Just seems like he is turning himself into a hermit and cutting himself off from the outside world. So, 1 i am worried because i'm devastatedand 2 i'm worried about him. It just all makes no sense to me! 1
Zahara Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 The one thing I do know for sure is he is no longer caught up with his ex. He just is a little emotionally damaged from various past relationships, which I am too. I am 100% confident this has nothing to do with her. The one thing that keeps me I guess hopeful is that I know for sure if it was completely over he would say it's over, but I am having a hard time understanding his confusion in general. He doesn't have to end it because of the ex, it could be that the relationship has run its course. Most times dumpers aren't upfront about how they feel in terms of saying it is over because it's a difficult thing to say to someone that they know they are hurting. So they sugarcoat it and often times tell the dumpee what they think the dumpee should hear to soften the blow. It is possible that he was feeling upset for a while, but as far as our relationship it was fine, he cannot hide things well. I know he's been really depressed and he self medicates with alcohol everynight, which just makes him more depressed. He is in his worse depression that I have ever seen, makes me feel like its possible that he is pushing me away because of that? It is unlike him to not tell his mom things like this also, he is very close with her. Just seems like he is turning himself into a hermit and cutting himself off from the outside world. So, 1 i am worried because i'm devastatedand 2 i'm worried about him. It just all makes no sense to me! I think at some point you need to get your things, and cut ties. Route your mail to a new address and try to keep distance with him. It won't be fair to you for him to keep you hanging on and it will certainly hurt you even more when/if there comes a day when he pushes through with his decision. He is telling you he wants to be single. He's been quietly thinking about it and is slowly coming to a decision. 3
Blanco Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 The only time I got straight-up dumped, the dumper was fighting to hold back tears. I wanted to believe so badly that it was because she didn't really want to do what she was doing. The truth is, she was crying because she didn't want to hurt me. That's all. Her decision to end the relationship had been made. 4
aloneinaz Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 You need to have someone get your things from him and return anything of his ASAP, If you do it yourself, it will only be more drama.. To suggest it's not important right now is you clinging to the hope of using those things to have further contact down the road. Sweetie, I know you're hurting. It sucks. But as a guy who's ended most of my relationships, I can tell you that we think about it a long time before letting you know. I also cried letting the person know I didn't want to date any longer. I didn't want to hurt anyone either. Sadly, relationships run their course and someone needs to end them when they are not feeling it any more. I was also dumped once from a toxic, unhealthy relationship. I exchanged EVERYTHING the next day. I then blocked her on my phone and social media so I COULD HEAL and move on w/my life. I never contacted her again and to this day, several years later, I'm very proud of myself. When someone says they don't want to go out anymore, accept their decision with class and dignity. Then, exchange your things and have no further contact with them. To continue with the occasional text, call or other contact only drags out the pain, suffering and childish drama that's a total waste of time and energy. People are much better off cutting all contact, healing and then finding someone new that they do connect with. 2
stillafool Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 we are NC now, so I don't want to break that to get my other stuff, it is all stuff I can live without for now. I just miss him so much, and want him back. I am hoping that the NC helps. So you didn't want to take your stuff when you returned his sunglasses. It wasn't that he told you not to take your stuff? Are you using your stuff as an excuse to see him again? If so, get your stuff and go NC. 1
Satu Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 If he is self-medicating every night with alcohol, there are bigger deeper problems. Don't think for a minute that you can help him with that. Addiction is a demon that's fought one on one. Focus on helping yourself. That's something you can do. Cry when you need to cry, laugh when you need to laugh. Life goes on. Take care. 2
stillafool Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 If he self medicates with alcohol every night; what is he trying to escape, what is he unhappy and depressed about? Was it the relationship? 1
Bumble82 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 (edited) OP, I'm going through a very similar situation and I feel your pain. My ex broke up with me about 2.5 months ago and I'm still hurting. Same situation, he absolutely sobbed and kept asking me to keep in contact and stay friends, even though I'd said I couldn't. He couldn't be clear about the reason either... just lost feelings / spark went / still loves me, always will... Up until a few weeks before he'd loved me enough to let me move countries with him! My ex also was also a daily smoker of weed and suffered from bouts of depression, so I know you mean about the self medicating thing. Oh, and he also had a long term relationship quite a few years before me that ended against his will, also after being mucked about for around a year by the girl! So our stories are quite similar! I was so confused and then read He's Scared, She's Scared and it made a lot more sense... Seems like classic commitment phobic behaviour. Made sense when put together with behaviour in other areas of his life too. Nothing anyone will say will make you feel any better. I actually found (especially in those initial few weeks after) that the more people tried to be positive and tell me things would be ok, the more I withdrew and the sadder I got. I was resentful to any of my friends with happy and stable relationships - basically all of them! The only thing you can do for yourself right now is feel everything unapologetically. Cry when you need to, eat ice cream, scream into the wind - just feel it all. One day it will start to get easier, but that will be when you're ready and you can't put a date on that. I also have that feeling that this isn't quite the end for my story as well... call it false hope / pathetic... whatever. We can't wait around and halt our lives on this hope. So as long as we're realistic in that, a little bit of hope doesn't hurt in my opinion. Just know you're not alone in this heartbreak. I'd give anything to have my relationship back too. When it hurts too much, just come here and there's always people to talk to who know how you feel. Edited September 23, 2016 by Bumble82 1
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