fixmyheart90 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Hi everyone. Hope you are all well. Just came here for some advice... So I started seeing this guy a few months ago, and I really fell for him. From the get go he was extremely loving, complimentary and made me feel amazing. The more we saw each other, the more I grew to like, even love, him. However, something does not feel right. The problem is that he has an ex girlfriend who he was with for several years. Things were very serious between them, they were going to get married but he ended the relationship. He is still in touch with her, every single day and does not want to stop. I have recently found out this. Everytime he has any personal issue, he rings her to speak to her about is. Everytime he has financial problems, he rings her. They are still closely connected, and that is because HE wants to be. I also found out that he has gone to see her a few times during our relationship but he promises that nothing physical has happened between them. Anytime he feels low, he shuts me out and he speaks to HER! He still wears jewellery that she has given him that has their anniversary engraved on it! AND OH YEAH, Her birthday is coming up and he has taken annual leave especially for this to celebrate with HER! When I and him are together, we usually go for a meal and then we go back to mine and...become intimate. I have never met his family. He is from an extremely strict cultural background (his ex is from the same cultural background as him) and I am caucasian. My friends have now told me that he can never marry me (they have been in similar situations) because this is how his culture works and they are telling me that I am being used!. So now, I have all these paranoid thoughts that I am being USED which feels awful because I LOVE HIM. I tried to explain to them that it is me and him that are in a relationship so he must love me at least?! He takes me out for dinners and to the park, so if he only wanted sex then would he really do this? Does he still love his ex? I don't understand why he cannot speak to me about stuff, it makes me feel so low! Am I being blind here??? I am SO confused...Please help!
Gaeta Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 How long exactly have you been dating? How long he had been single when you met him? Do you really need us to tell you that he's not over his ex? It's clear he is having a relationship with HER and you are....I have no clue what you are to him but it's pretty much nothing. Time to let him go. 3
Bialy Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 It sounds like he is mending things up with her and he's using you as a secondary support system and for sex. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Hi everyone. Hope you are all well. Just came here for some advice... So I started seeing this guy a few months ago, and I really fell for him. From the get go he was extremely loving, complimentary and made me feel amazing. The more we saw each other, the more I grew to like, even love, him. However, something does not feel right. The problem is that he has an ex girlfriend who he was with for several years. Things were very serious between them, they were going to get married but he ended the relationship. He is still in touch with her, every single day and does not want to stop. I have recently found out this. Everytime he has any personal issue, he rings her to speak to her about is. Everytime he has financial problems, he rings her. They are still closely connected, and that is because HE wants to be. I also found out that he has gone to see her a few times during our relationship but he promises that nothing physical has happened between them. Anytime he feels low, he shuts me out and he speaks to HER! He still wears jewellery that she has given him that has their anniversary engraved on it! AND OH YEAH, Her birthday is coming up and he has taken annual leave especially for this to celebrate with HER! When I and him are together, we usually go for a meal and then we go back to mine and...become intimate. I have never met his family. He is from an extremely strict cultural background (his ex is from the same cultural background as him) and I am caucasian. My friends have now told me that he can never marry me (they have been in similar situations) because this is how his culture works and they are telling me that I am being used!. So now, I have all these paranoid thoughts that I am being USED which feels awful because I LOVE HIM. I tried to explain to them that it is me and him that are in a relationship so he must love me at least?! He takes me out for dinners and to the park, so if he only wanted sex then would he really do this? Does he still love his ex? I don't understand why he cannot speak to me about stuff, it makes me feel so low! Am I being blind here??? I am SO confused...Please help! He takes me out for dinners and to the park, -- He would feed his dog and take it to the park too . . . big deal? A relationship is about sharing, feeling secure, comfortable, safe. Have you never had a discussion with him about what he wants for himself and his future? Have you two ever talked about exclusivity? I don't understand why he cannot speak to me about stuff, it makes me feel so low! -- He doesn't speak to you about stuff because he doesn't want to. You aren't his priority that's clear. You're confused because there is poor communication at best. You're making a lot of assumptions based on superficial things after a few months of dating. It would be OK to be wondering all these things if it's only been a month or so, but by now, there should be more clarity. Move on from this one . . . he's not over his EX, you're just under him. 2
hippychick3 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Unfortunately, it sounds like he's in a relationship with her and you are the OW. I would never be in this type of relationship where he is clearly still in love with and still seeing his ex. I would wish him the best and move ON ASAP. 3
kendahke Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 You can only be used if you put yourself in the position to be used, especially after finding out what you have found out about him still being involved with his ex. He's not doing anything without your express permission because you are still there. BTW--he's not done with her and she's not done with him. That much is obvious. Despite your feelings, you need to act in a way that demonstrates what you feel your value is. Right now, what your actions are showing that you're cool with being treated this way. IMO, there isn't enough love in the world that will OK what he is doing. They aren't done with each other and he's not interested in declaring for you. Keeping yourself in close proximity to him will end up being detrimental to your emotional well being. I'd advise to leave him alone. 3
thecupid Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 This is a poisonous relationship for you. You can force-find a million reasons to justify this behavior, but at the end of day, you have to accept the facts and move on to another person. 1
Zahara Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 If love means taking you to the park, dinner and sex, then you need to aim higher girl! Yes, you're the little side piece that he uses for a few benefits while he focuses all his emotional and mental energy on the ex -- which by the way is the one he is still in love with. 3
Author fixmyheart90 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Posted September 23, 2016 Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies. It really hurt reading all that, but what you are all saying is completely true.I can feel my gut feeling telling me something isn't right. I feel SO horrible right now, heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten in days! I just keep thinking, that if he still has feelings for her and I am the "other woman" :'( then WHY would he ever break up with her and be with ME? Why does he have a relationship with me and not her? Why does is sweet and loving to me? He says sweet things to me, he's loving towards me...I don't understand????
stillafool Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies. It really hurt reading all that, but what you are all saying is completely true.I can feel my gut feeling telling me something isn't right. I feel SO horrible right now, heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten in days! I just keep thinking, that if he still has feelings for her and I am the "other woman" :'( then WHY would he ever break up with her and be with ME? Why does he have a relationship with me and not her? Why does is sweet and loving to me? He says sweet things to me, he's loving towards me...I don't understand???? (((HUGS))), you'll be okay. Start drinking broth if you can't eat. His ex probably broke up with him and he's the one who has been trying to get her back. Just because someone pays for dinners, says sweet things and is nice to you does not mean they love you. I wouldn't call it being used because you liked whatever you guys did together but your feelings far exceeded his. When is his birthday?
Redhead14 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies. It really hurt reading all that, but what you are all saying is completely true.I can feel my gut feeling telling me something isn't right. I feel SO horrible right now, heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten in days! I just keep thinking, that if he still has feelings for her and I am the "other woman" :'( then WHY would he ever break up with her and be with ME? Why does he have a relationship with me and not her? Why does is sweet and loving to me? He says sweet things to me, he's loving towards me...I don't understand???? Sweetie, the truth hurts. Why does he have a relationship with me and not her? -- He doesn't have a relationship with you. You two aren't communicating on a deep level -- he's sharing his troubles, feeling, thoughts, etc. with her still. You two are operating on a very superficial level. He says sweet things to me, he's loving towards me -- You're there and she isn't. And, he's gonna be that way if he wants to get laid . . . 2
Zahara Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 I just keep thinking, that if he still has feelings for her and I am the "other woman" :'( then WHY would he ever break up with her and be with ME? Why does he have a relationship with me and not her? Why does is sweet and loving to me? He says sweet things to me, he's loving towards me...I don't understand???? He doesn't have a relationship with you, hun. He shares the most intimate parts of his life with this woman but gives you very little of himself. That isn't a relationship. He's sweet and loving to you because he needs to give your something to keep you where you are -- park/dinner/sex is not "loving" and anyone can say sweet things to you. 3
Author fixmyheart90 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Posted September 23, 2016 Thank you all. I know you are all right, I can feel it in my heart and gut but I really like him so it hurts so so much. I don't know how I'll handle this, or what to do! Part of me is thinking to just stick around and eventually he may feel a deeper connection to me stillafool: he broke up with his ex girlfriend that's what I don't understand, if he wants her in his life SO MUCH then why break up with her and be with me! His birthday is on the 13th of June. Maybe I'm just too blind because I genuinely thought that if you say sweet romantic things to someone such as 'I like you loads and loads' and calls me pet names, does love hearts to me, says good morning and good night to me every day over text, then you actually have strong feelings for them. And like I said he does take me out and treat me to stuff so I just didn't consider myself as a.... Bootycall :'( and I feel absolutely degraded!
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Stay away from guys who are fresh out of a relationship especially a very long one. All you are is a rebound. read this article:Rebound Relationships in a Nutshell: Transitionals, Buffers & Why You Should Step Away From The Light When They?re Not Over Their Ex 2
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 I have never met his family. He is from an extremely strict cultural background (his ex is from the same cultural background as him) and I am caucasian. My friends have now told me that he can never marry me (they have been in similar situations) because this is how his culture works and they are telling me that I am being used!. This is not an uncommon situation, Western women being used for sex by men from strict cultures. Some of these cross cultural relationships may even get as far as living together for years, but the Western woman will get binned unceremoniously when it is time for him to marry. If he is from a very strict culture like conservative Islam for instance, he will most likely eventually reject his Western adopted ways, due to family and community pressure, and return to tradition. He will stick with his own, as family is very important, he may even marry a very young virgin, chosen by his family, from "back home" or it may be that his ex is not his ex at all, but she is just unwilling to have sex before marriage. He needs sex in the meantime, and that is where you come in. Sorry, but your friends are correct - you are just being used. 1
Nightwriter Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Don't listen to what he says. Listen to what he does.
Author fixmyheart90 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Posted September 24, 2016 I woke up being so confused, my feelings are everywhere. He sees me nearly everyday during the weekdays, not so much weekends cause he spends that with his friends he says. But we spend a lot of time together, and he's really loving towards me..So how can I be the other woman? Because he broke up with his ex and he's with me now. So why didn't he stay with her if he still has feelings for her? All my thoughts are so jumbled up. He says he can't tell his family about me because it'll be hard for them to accept me but eventually he will tell them...Im having a hard time not believing him and seeing the good things
joyful Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 He is enjoying the perks of a relationship with you without making a full commitment or acting as if there is much of a future. He is also not making a commitment to the ex since he broke up with her and ostensibly has a new GF. You fulfill his physical needs. The ex fulfills his emotional needs. And I assume that, when/if he ever wants a real relationship, he will move on from both of you. So, yes, it sounds like you are being used. 1
Zahara Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 (edited) I woke up being so confused, my feelings are everywhere. He sees me nearly everyday during the weekdays, not so much weekends cause he spends that with his friends he says. But we spend a lot of time together, and he's really loving towards me..So how can I be the other woman? Because he broke up with his ex and he's with me now. So why didn't he stay with her if he still has feelings for her? All my thoughts are so jumbled up. He says he can't tell his family about me because it'll be hard for them to accept me but eventually he will tell them...Im having a hard time not believing him and seeing the good things You are the other woman because you are the one he uses for the benefits of sex, companionship, attention, etc. The surface level needs. All that without the emotional investment and commitment. She is the one he runs to for his emotional needs because he still has feelings for her. He may have broken up with her but that does not mean there isn't unresolved emotions between them. There is a reason why you posted a thread asking if you are being used. I think you already know the truth but you're having a hard time accepting your reality. Edited September 24, 2016 by Zahara 2
Timshel Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 How do you know that they are 'broken up?' Are you sure that his 'ex' even knows that you exist? Hopefully, you have some evidence beyond what he has told you (social media, friends...for ex.) From what you have posted, it seems possible that she thinks that they are still a couple. If you are certain that she is aware of your relationship with him, it does seem that he is still prioritizing her for emotional intimacy. If you are unsure of his true intentions for you then you need to talk to him about this and I would say if he is unwilling to stop contact with her, the relationship is over. Actually, I would have done it without a talk but that is beside the point. 2
kendahke Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 I woke up being so confused, my feelings are everywhere. He sees me nearly everyday during the weekdays, not so much weekends cause he spends that with his friends he says. But we spend a lot of time together, and he's really loving towards me..So how can I be the other woman? Because he broke up with his ex and he's with me now. So why didn't he stay with her if he still has feelings for her? All my thoughts are so jumbled up. He says he can't tell his family about me because it'll be hard for them to accept me but eventually he will tell them...Im having a hard time not believing him and seeing the good things Perhaps because the good things are illusions? You can spend a lot of time together and he still not have any intention on going any deeper than this. A man who is yours and yours alone doesn't insist upon maintaining an emotionally intimate relationship with someone else. If he's running to her, being vulnerable with her, and not you and he's the one who supposedly broke up? No. It doesn't work that way in healthy relationships. That's some sick, twisted mess going on between the two of them if his intention is to lead her on until "eventually"... then his parents find out about you orbiting because their sick little drama blew to kingdom come. A man who is his own man and doesn't require the approval of committees when deciding who he loves and is the sort of man you probably should be looking for. That's cool if that's his culture, but it isn't yours and sometimes, there are some things love and sex just cannot overcome if he isn't strong enough to live outside of his familial culture and community. Despite your conviction about this guy, just understand that a man who is over and done with his ex doesn't turn to her for emotional comfort, doesn't confide in her and he doesn't let her into a place of intimacy that he's telling you only you are allowed. It would appear she's never been evicted and occupies the penthouse suite. You have a bedsit in comparison. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 (edited) I just keep thinking, that if he still has feelings for her and I am the "other woman" :'( then WHY would he ever break up with her and be with ME? Why does he have a relationship with me and not her? Why does is sweet and loving to me? He says sweet things to me, he's loving towards me...I don't understand???? Who says he broke up with her? Sounds MORE like his culture probably frowns on premarital sex so he's getting it from you and pretending to be in a relationship with you. You wouldn't exactly have sex with him - happily and passionately - if he were honest and told you he was using you for sex while waiting to get married to HER, would you? Of course you wouldn't. Don't expect to meet his parents in this lifetime. And his phony story about 'visiting family' for the weekends is just that - phony. He's with his girlfriend/fiancee. Unfortunately OP, he's keeping you a secret from his family for a reason. And not a good one. Edited September 24, 2016 by Lois_Griffin 2
Author fixmyheart90 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Posted September 24, 2016 In regards to his ex girlfriend, from what he has told me and I actually analyse what he says..it sounds like he dumped her because she wanted to get married and he got cold feet. He's told me stories of what she has done for him in their relationship, and although I am not her biggest fan, she stood by him through his worst times. Maybe this is why he has a hard time to let that support go? Sometimes he does speak badly of her, like that she nagged too much, she was too emotional, she was "psycho" where as (up till now) I have been very calm and easy going. It absolutely baffles me though that why would he ever break up with her if he still had feelings? And yes I know for sure that it was HIM that broke up with her. And...this may sound bad but he did tell me that she does not know about us and his reason for not telling her is that it would hurt her too much because she really loved him. I feel like an idiot writing all this out, but I believed his reasons...Does any of this make sense?
Zahara Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 In regards to his ex girlfriend, from what he has told me and I actually analyse what he says..it sounds like he dumped her because she wanted to get married and he got cold feet. He's told me stories of what she has done for him in their relationship, and although I am not her biggest fan, she stood by him through his worst times. Maybe this is why he has a hard time to let that support go? Sometimes he does speak badly of her, like that she nagged too much, she was too emotional, she was "psycho" where as (up till now) I have been very calm and easy going. It absolutely baffles me though that why would he ever break up with her if he still had feelings? And yes I know for sure that it was HIM that broke up with her. And...this may sound bad but he did tell me that she does not know about us and his reason for not telling her is that it would hurt her too much because she really loved him. I feel like an idiot writing all this out, but I believed his reasons...Does any of this make sense? What doesn't make sense is that you sit there and listen and tolerate all of this. 5
Author fixmyheart90 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Posted September 24, 2016 I love him SO much, like I haven't ever loved anyone like that..So I do wanna trust him and believe him, but all the responses I am getting from here (and I am very thankful for them) is a real reality check (one that I think I need). Its just so hard to accept all this when you really love someone and you're willing to give them the world. I think about my future with him all the time, marriage, kids...everything :'(
Recommended Posts