How do I fix this?

[bommer27]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Lately we have been having the same arguments over and over again. He has trouble communicating his feelings and the more I exhaust a topic the further he retreats from wanting to talk about it, which never lets us resolve it. We both feel like I can't let anything go, but I think it's because we don't resolve it and move on.

 

Anyway, he recently said to me "I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for you". I was so taken a back because I feel like he doesn't do enough to make me feel secure and content in his love for me.

 

How do I bridge the gap and get us on the same page? I feel like he is giving up because he thinks he can never satisfy me, but that isn't true for me. He does satisfy me is so many ways, it's just a few things that I think we need to work on. Help.

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Lately we have been having the same arguments over and over again. He has trouble communicating his feelings and the more I exhaust a topic the further he retreats from wanting to talk about it, which never lets us resolve it. We both feel like I can't let anything go, but I think it's because we don't resolve it and move on.

 

Anyway, he recently said to me "I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for you". I was so taken a back because I feel like he doesn't do enough to make me feel secure and content in his love for me.

 

How do I bridge the gap and get us on the same page? I feel like he is giving up because he thinks he can never satisfy me, but that isn't true for me. He does satisfy me is so many ways, it's just a few things that I think we need to work on. Help.

 

Most people think that communicating is about talking when the most important aspect of communicating is listening. I mean real listening and addressing what the other person is saying as if it was the holy truth.

 

See in your post how you contradict yourself and demonstrating you are not really listening when he speaks.

 

You start by saying he does not do enough to make you feel secure and content then the next paragraph you say he thinks he is not satisfying you and you state it's not true, he does satisfy you. Can you get anymore contradicting?

 

Now, what is the thing you cannot let go?

[bommer27]

Yes I definitely see the contradiction. In my heart I am not emotionally satisfied. There are many ways that he is good to me in our relationship, but I am missing something from him emotionally. Earlier in our relationship he showed me how he felt about me, that he loved me through all kinds of little actions. I never once questioned his feelings for me. In recent months those things have diminished greatly, causing me to feel insecure and like he doesn't really love me. I have tried to tell him what I need from him, but I feel like he doesn't hear me. Maybe what I'm not hearing though when he says those things I posted originally is that he doesn't have anything more to give me. But if things were different earlier in the relationship, is that really true?

[Ami1uwant]

I'm a guy....

 

What are some real things he has stopped doing that he did early on???

 

Have you addressed these specific examples with him or is ir generalization or indirect???

 

What do you do for him??? Maybe he sees it as you want you want you want but never give back or he does lityle things that you might not realize or appreciate.

[SoThatHappened]

I've been in this situation, and honestly, I just wanted my girlfriend to stop nagging me. It really got old, and was a reason we broke up.

 

She was happy with me and love me to death, but she wanted this and that in addition to everything else.

 

Look, no one else is responsible for your happiness. You need to be able to be happy on your own.

 

And, no one can do anything about why "I feel like he doesn't do enough to make me feel secure and content in his love for me."

 

Honestly, from a guy's perspective, the best way to "fix" it is to show him you are happy on your own (not separate from him, but that you're not relying on him to make you happy).

 

You'd be surprised how far this will go when you stop nagging and show that you don't rely on someone else to make you happy.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Lately we have been having the same arguments over and over again. He has trouble communicating his feelings and the more I exhaust a topic the further he retreats from wanting to talk about it, which never lets us resolve it. We both feel like I can't let anything go, but I think it's because we don't resolve it and move on.

 

Anyway, he recently said to me "I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for you". I was so taken a back because I feel like he doesn't do enough to make me feel secure and content in his love for me.

 

How do I bridge the gap and get us on the same page? I feel like he is giving up because he thinks he can never satisfy me, but that isn't true for me. He does satisfy me is so many ways, it's just a few things that I think we need to work on. Help.

 

"I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for you". -- The man is clearly communicating with you. You need to look at what you are not doing . . . he feels this way for a reason. He's not getting enough from you to make him feel valued in the relationship.

 

I feel like he doesn't do enough to make me feel secure and content in his love for me. -- Obviously, neither of you is putting in the effort required anymore for each other.

 

You can't change what he does or how he does it, what you can do is change what and how you do things and see if he follows your lead. Make sure you show him everyday that you appreciate him in some small way at least.

 

Oftentimes, it's not about what you say, it's about how you say it. Think about how you may be criticizing him unintentionally/indirectly.

 

"You never do Xthing right" instead of "thanks for doing Xthing. Next time, will you do it Xway. I think that works better because . . . ".

 

Framing things positively instead of negatively -- Sometimes it's little things that build up and cause tension/resentment over time.

 

He has trouble communicating his feelings and the more I exhaust a topic -- When it becomes exhausting, it's time to do things differently.

 

You both have apparently stopped treating each other in a way that clearly demonstrates value and appreciation for one another. Since verbal communication is breaking down some apparently, try demonstrating for a while and see if he responds to that. Communication isn't always verbal . . .

 

It made very happy that you did Xthing, so I made you your favorite dinner.

[bommer27]

I'm a guy....

 

What are some real things he has stopped doing that he did early on???

 

Have you addressed these specific examples with him or is ir generalization or indirect???

 

What do you do for him??? Maybe he sees it as you want you want you want but never give back or he does lityle things that you might not realize or appreciate.

 

Answers to your questions ...

 

 

He goes to work before me and always texted me when he got there to say good morning and I love you so that I would have that when I woke up. Now I'm lucky if I get a text before noon or sometimes at all. I tried to tell myself he was busy, but he has time to text other people and be on facebook, but not to text me?

 

 

He used to randomly buy thoughtful gifts, small stuff but that showed he had thought about me in a situation. FF to now, I didn't even get a card on our anniversary.

 

 

He used to tell me I was beautiful, dance with me when we cooked, silly things .. now I do all the cooking, cleaning, everything and honestly don't feel appreciated for it. I don't mind doing it I just either need him to share the work or show me that he appreciates my doing it.

 

 

I have expressed everything above specifically. For months I didn't and that was my fault, but finally an argument boiled over and I did. He gets better for a period of time, and then everything goes back to normal.

 

 

I try to be romantic toward him, tell him I miss him and love him, pick up little things to show I'm thinking of him. I started playing in his dart league with him so we could have an activity to do together. I am responsible for everything in terms of cooking/cleaning/etc. and make sure all of our bills get paid. I do these things because I love him an want to show him I care, but also in hopes that he will reciprocate. I simply need to feel loved and appreciated and I don't. Our intimacy as suffered because of it. Both of us had lost interest in sex compared to before. We have improved that aspect.

 

 

All of this has led to repetitive arguments and I am worried at this point that he sees me as unhappy and needy and I don't know how to bring us back to where we were previously. I know I want him/us and he says that he loves me and wants a future with me, but it doesn't feel that way. I have tried putting on a happy face to be the girl he saw me as before this all transpired, but my fear is that will never happen.

[preraph]

Not enough info. I need to know, does he put in a lot of effort? I need to know, Are you a bottomless pit of need that no one can fill?

 

If he's saying he can never satisfy you, compared to other guys you know in relationships, does he fall short, or is he trying?

 

Is this just about you wanting constant attention?

Is this about him not helping with housework?

 

Bottom line, he has said he can't satisfy you, so to me, whatever the issue is, that tells me the same as "I am not willing to do any more to make you happy, so like it or lump it."

[Ami1uwant]

Answers to your questions ...

 

 

He goes to work before me and always texted me when he got there to say good morning and I love you so that I would have that when I woke up. Now I'm lucky if I get a text before noon or sometimes at all. I tried to tell myself he was busy, but he has time to text other people and be on facebook, but not to text me?

 

[/qUOTE]

 

This 8s typical from both sdes as a relationship advances beyond the early stages to a more established relationdhip.

 

 

 

He used to randomly buy thoughtful gifts, small stuff but that showed he had thought about me in a situation. FF to now, I didn't even get a card on our anniversary.

 

[/qUOTE]

 

Similarly this drops off as well. He also could have stopped doing this because of your reaction changed or you stopped doing things. Financially things may have changed. He may be saving up yo buy you a ring.

 

 

 

He used to tell me I was beautiful, dance with me when we cooked, silly things .. now I do all the cooking, cleaning, everything and honestly don't feel appreciated for it. I don't mind doing it I just either need him to share the work or show me that he appreciates my doing it.

 

[/qUOTE]

 

Him stoping to com with you could be a potential conflict avoidance lie you always criticize how he did things or if he flirted playfully and you complained about him doing it.

 

I have expressed everything above specifically. For months I didn't and that was my fault, but finally an argument boiled over and I did. He gets better for a period of time, and then everything goes back to normal.

 

I try to be romantic toward him, tell him I miss him and love him, pick up little things to show I'm thinking of him. I started playing in his dart league with him so we could have an activity to do together.

 

[/qUOTE]

 

It depends on how you did it and if you changed things he complained about.

 

You joining his dart league may be taking away his me time or time with the guys. Should have picked up something different.

 

 

 

 

 

I am responsible for everything in terms of cooking/cleaning/etc. and make sure all of our bills get paid. I do these things because I love him an want to show him I care, but also in hopes that he will reciprocate. I simply need to feel loved and appreciated and I don't. Our intimacy as suffered because of it. Both of us had lost interest in sex compared to before. We have improved that aspect.

 

How would he reciprocate?? Similarly if you complained how he did things he pulled away.

 

All of this has led to repetitive arguments and I am worried at this point that he sees me as unhappy and needy and I don't know how to bring us back to where we were previously. I know I want him/us and he says that he loves me and wants a future with me, but it doesn't feel that way. I have tried putting on a happy face to be the girl he saw me as before this all transpired, but my fear is that will never happen.

 

What has he sa8d to you...what has he asked of you ???

[bommer27]

Not enough info. I need to know, does he put in a lot of effort? I need to know, Are you a bottomless pit of need that no one can fill?

 

If he's saying he can never satisfy you, compared to other guys you know in relationships, does he fall short, or is he trying?

 

Is this just about you wanting constant attention?

Is this about him not helping with housework?

 

Bottom line, he has said he can't satisfy you, so to me, whatever the issue is, that tells me the same as "I am not willing to do any more to make you happy, so like it or lump it."

 

Effort. I guess that depends on who you ask. For months I thought he wasn't putting in effort. When we had a deep discussion about it, he acknowledged that he had gotten lazy and took our relationship for granted. He promised to be better and he has been trying. If you ask his family/friends they'll tell you he has never put as much effort into a relationship as he puts into ours. If you ask my friends/family, he isn't meeting my needs and there will be someone else out there that does. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion which I guess is why I'm on here.

 

 

I don't know if my needs are unrealistic. I've never thought they were, but when I talk about accepting things how they are all my family says to me is "so you're settling". This is my first relationship where we've actually talked about marriage (I'm 28) and I don't know if my expectations are too high or he isn't putting in the effort. When he family says that he's never put in this much effort, I think well just because it's more effort doesn't mean it's enough effort. We are at a point now where I am trying to let go of the past stuff and focus on the good and being happy every day together. I'm trying not to bring up any issues because I feel like if I keep bringing stuff up he is just going to tune me out eventually and nothing I say will hold any weight with him.

 

 

I don't know if it's possible for us to get back to that place where we were before all the effort issues...if I just accept things how they are, am I settling or am I deploying more realistic expectations and being happy with what I have? I don't know..

[bommer27]

 

What has he sa8d to you...what has he asked of you ???

 

I think that's the hard part for me to move us forward. He says that he is happy and his feelings have never changed for me. He says he doesn't feel like his attitude or behavior toward me is any different then it always has. I don't agree with those things .. I feel like there are things he has to be unhappy about or his actions wouldn't have changed. I am very willing to work with him on anything I am doing to make our relationship harder or change our dynamic, but he doesn't give me anything to work on.

 

 

He does feel like I am not happy on my own. That I need to figure that out without him in order for us to be happier together. I am working on that, but our relationship plays into my happiness and the uncertainty we are going through does as well. I don't know how to stay together, but figure out my individual happiness at the same time.

 

 

As for dart league, he asked me to join it which is why I did. He plays softball 4 nights a week and definitely gets his guy time.

[Ami1uwant]

I think that's the hard part for me to move us forward. He says that he is happy and his feelings have never changed for me. He says he doesn't feel like his attitude or behavior toward me is any different then it always has. I don't agree with those things .. I feel like there are things he has to be unhappy about or his actions wouldn't have changed. I am very willing to work with him on anything I am doing to make our relationship harder or change our dynamic, but he doesn't give me anything to work on.

 

 

He does feel like I am not happy on my own. That I need to figure that out without him in order for us to be happier together. I am working on that, but our relationship plays into my happiness and the uncertainty we are going through does as well. I don't know how to stay together, but figure out my individual happiness at the same time.

 

 

As for dart league, he asked me to join it which is why I did. He plays softball 4 nights a week and definitely gets his guy time.

 

 

As I said before...him stop texting you or getting you small things naturally drops off over yime. You expecting that to continue is unrealistic.

 

In relationships I'll do small things..but I prefer to do it when unexpected than when it's required because when required the meaning behind it is hollow. That is why I hate valentine's day

 

From what he said it sounds like you are criticising him constsntly. You may not think you are, but vocal tone and body language says otherwise.

 

He may be right on something that you should have your own happiness and not rely on the guy for it.

[bommer27]

From what he said it sounds like you are criticising him constsntly. You may not think you are, but vocal tone and body language says otherwise.

 

He may be right on something that you should have your own happiness and not rely on the guy for it.

 

As a guy, do you have any suggestions on how I can help change his mindset toward me?

 

 

I can see that if he thinks I'm criticizing him constantly it would push him away and make him not want to even do the small things. I want to take the steps personally to change what I've been doing to contribute to where we are now. I just don't know how to begin undoing what has already been done :/

[GemmaUK]

Maybe he displays his love in a different way than you do?

 

Have you read up on Love Languages?

[bommer27]

Maybe he displays his love in a different way than you do?

 

Have you read up on Love Languages?

 

I have briefly, but not extensively. I do believe that we have different love languages. I'd like to explore that together, but I don't think it is something he would be interested in.

[preraph]

I didn't see your one long post before my first one, so I apologize.

 

It looks to me like, as many men will do, they pull out all the stops early in the relationship to win you, but then they can't keep that up, because that isn't the real them. You always hear people say they miss how it was in the beginning, but the beginning is a facade. It's a nice facade and we all miss it. But the truth is the longer you know someone, that later version is the REAL version that they can maintain. They don't feel motivated to keep up the niceties. He obviously just wants the woman to do everything and let him do little or nothing to nurture a relationship.

 

That his parents say he's tried so hard is evidence they didn't teach him to value women enough or to do his part. That yours say you deserve better is because they raised you not to accept less than you put forth.

 

You are doing the housework and everything. You are doing everything to maintain the relationship. Then you're arguing. Doesn't that sound more like a mother's relationship with her lazy teenager than anything? And that's what will eventually kill it for both of you, because having sex with your child or your mother isn't sexy. It's the kiss of death and you're already headed down that road.

 

I think you can and should do better.

[alphamale]

He does satisfy me is so many ways, it's just a few things that I think we need to work on. Help.

does he satisfy you in the sack?

[Ami1uwant]

As a guy, do you have any suggestions on how I can help change his mindset toward me?

 

 

I can see that if he thinks I'm criticizing him constantly it would push him away and make him not want to even do the small things. I want to take the steps personally to change what I've been doing to contribute to where we are now. I just don't know how to begin undoing what has already been done :/

 

HaRd to say because I don't know how you are nor how he is.

 

Try to sit down and talk about things and not fight or have confrontation. Get him yo open up and talk about what he likes and what he has seen before that is missing now. If he says things..just listen and ask questions....don't disagree and don't argue.

 

Try to get him to open up and ask him what he wants or why won't he cook with you in the kitchen. Unsure what work schedules you have, try the cooking thing when you are both at home.

[Ami1uwant]

Something I went through with my ex wife was marriage counsrling. Consider that.

 

A common issue I had with my ex was instead of her asking something she instead would phrase it differently which makes it confrontational. For example instead of 'where did you go this afternoon?' It was 'did you go to x, y, and z" with a tone

[morrowrd]

It's really hard to fix a problem between a non-communicator and a communicator, even with counseling. This is going to only work if he actually makes up his mind to open up.

 

"I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for you"

 

This has happened to me, and this is how I handled it. She was crying and I knelt beside her and asked her, "help me understand how and why you feel this way because I am not trying to make you feel like that." I also would add, "I feel you put up walls and making it very hard for me to share my feelings and communicate" - Miscommunication is a fixable problem.....however the cure for miscommunication is communication. Patience patience patience and non threatening loving words will win things. It did for me and over time we have adapted to becoming great communicators together. You can too.

 

Couples counseling is a good supplement in spite of what I said above, we have been going for almost the entire time of our relationship. It doesn't work like a magic wand, you have to have things going on your end in addition.

[Gaeta]

He goes to work before me and always texted me when he got there to say good morning and I love you so that I would have that when I woke up.

When couples live together they don't need to text good morning. You actually do not need to text during the day at all. The anticipation of seeing him again at night should carry you through the day.

 

Yes he is busy, and so should you be. It's not because he text other people that he has to constantly text you equally. I don't text my BF during the day but I will text my daughter. I don't see her every day like my BF.

 

Wanting a text because he sends one to his friends is like being a spoiled child having a fit on someone else's birthday. How come the birthday girl has a gift and not me! type of fit.

 

Your boyfriend has other relationship than you, and he should be able to evolve in these other relationship without you being jealous of it.

 

He used to randomly buy thoughtful gifts, small stuff but that showed he had thought about me in a situation. FF to now, I didn't even get a card on our anniversary.

The random little gifts that's girly stuff. Really really really girl stuff, women don't complain they don't get little random gifts. Men have no thoughts toward little random gifts.

 

Did you remind him it was your anniversary? Did you offer plans for your anniversary? or you are one of those gals that expects their man to remember every date by heart? After 15 years my ex-husband could still not remember if we got married on the 18 or 19. It's very common for men to forget anniversaries.

 

He used to tell me I was beautiful,

Do you still tell him he is sexy? Do you compliment him when he puts your favorite shirt on? Do you give him random compliments about his body and character?

 

This I believe we teach by example.

 

dance with me when we cooked, silly things

About you initiate your own silly little things.

 

.. now I do all the cooking, cleaning, everything and honestly don't feel appreciated for it. I don't mind doing it I just either need him to share the work or show me that he appreciates my doing it.

 

I have learn a long time ago you cannot tell a man help me more. It's way too vague for them. You have to be very specific and on the spot. At the moment you start the dishes tell him: Hon please come and help me with this. Put the garbage bag by the door and ask him to take it out. Make a pile of towels and leave a note : Please start a wash of towels.

 

If he says no to your face when you ask help for house chores then he is a big lazy arse that thinks he is still living at his mom.

 

I try to be romantic toward him, tell him I miss him and love him, pick up little things to show I'm thinking of him.

 

meh....you are showing him your love by actions only women would appreciate. Men don't care for little text I miss you, and don't care for random little knickknacks. That's what YOU like. If you want him to feel appreciated then make actions that HE likes. Do you know what he likes?

Do you know how he feels appreciated in a relationship?

 

Who knows maybe he feels your respect and love the most when you leave him alone with his games, maybe he needs to hear things like you are proud of him, you trust him, you feel safe with him. That's what men want to hear, not I miss you.

[GemmaUK]

I have briefly, but not extensively. I do believe that we have different love languages. I'd like to explore that together, but I don't think it is something he would be interested in.

 

Read up on it yourself?

[Gaeta]

Ask your BF a simple question

 

* what do you like about me the most

* what would make you feel appreciated.

 

One of the most important thing men need is a feeling of appreciation.

 

The answers to this may surprise you.

 

I take a lot of pride in my appearance, imagine my surprise when my BF told me l am the sexiest in my oldest run down pj's!! I had spent $$ for nothing on lingerie.