Mr. Lucky Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 She did not stop loving him, he is readily available to help her with anything she needs, enjoys his company. But for the affair, she would not have divorced, and he would not end that relationship to save the marriage. Sounds like he's a convenient option for her, not the strongest recommendation. Be interesting to hear how things are working a year from now... Mr. Lucky 1
Just a Guy Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 Hi Darien, I was wondering why don't they just have a FWB arrangement rather than living together. That way they get their physical needs met and some companionship without the binding of a traditional marriage. From what you have written it seems that the husband has made zero progress on his previous position and is likely to cheat at the first opportunity, once the marriage becomes stale( for him), he will go looking for new prey. Also if your friend has worked on herself( what were her weaknesses that she had to work on?) then she should be on a higher plane than him and able to clearly see and assess his weaknesses. This is why I think that a loose coupling would work best for her. If she marries him she must get some good provisions included in a pre nup so that she is not hurt badly again. What I don't get is why she has not been able to find someone else in all this time. It almost seems as if she was waiting in the wings for him till his affair ran out of steam. If that be so I doubt what you are saying about her having worked on her self to rectify her weaknesses is really true. To me me this whole situation looks like a train wreck in the making. Sorry not to be positive on this because I am also pro reconciliation in the RIGHT circumstances, just that these circumstances do not seem right. Warm wishes.
elaine567 Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 I think she needs to know exactly why he split from the OW. Yes, she may assume that the affair bubble just burst, but that may not be the reason. The OW maybe didn't put up with his cheating, she maybe wouldn't put up with him lying to her, she maybe felt they were incompatible, she maybe never really wanted him to leave his wife for her and got caught up in the situation. Who knows? Did he really end it or did she? Your friend needs to investigate that further. Is he just back because he has nowhere else to go? Will he play happy families until some other woman catches his eye? Will he continue cheating, as his wife just proved she IS a "doormat"? It is all very well getting hung up on the romantic notion - "Oh he loves me, he always did", but she has to face facts, given the choice, he chose the OW and he may not have been the one who really ended it. Maybe he eventually pulled the plug but that doesn't mean she didn't push him to do it, as SHE wanted out. I also think he got the wandering eye again and saw the wife as a new woman as she had reinvented herself and he was attracted to that... the shiny and new beckoned. Maybe the OW will reinvent herself now he has left, and he will be off again in pursuit... Your friend needs to be wary that the OW is not still on the scene and that he hasn't really ended it at all. I am sure part of your friend feels that Karma has been served, the OW "stole" him from her, now she has "stolen" him back from the OW, but that is not sensible thinking. He is no prize. That is no basis for a marriage. 1
Author Darien 76 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Posted September 25, 2016 My friend is employed but lives in metro area where rents are high and a second person is needed. She is in a temporary apartment and he helped her move her things there and proposed reconciling and moving in together. He lives with his mother and he also cannot afford an apartment without a second person either. I think my friend may be going fwd with this bc of the urgency of her living situation, but I do know she loves him and they maintained a relationship since the divorce. It is our understanding he kept a relationship with OW until recently and he said it is over.
Author Darien 76 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Posted September 25, 2016 Do you think he would at least have learned the lesson to be faithful at the bare minimum or is cheating just part of his character? They are both above average attractive. I wish my friend would have tried to meet someone new. 2
Author Darien 76 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Posted September 25, 2016 Sorry S2B i meant to answer your question - he makes more than my friend does. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Honestly? I think your friend is a complete idiot. It would be a cold day in hell before I'd EVER invest in someone who had disrespected me to the level this snake went to. I mean this sincerely. Does she have no dignity or self respect at ALL? 2
cocorico Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Hello everyone: My good friend is moving back in with her ex husband who had an affair. She divorced him and has been on her own for 3 years but they stayed in contact during that time. During the marriage he refused to end the affair and as such she filed for divorce. After the marriage ended he appeared to regret his behavior but did not end the relationship with the other woman. My friend has done a lot of work on herself and created an independent life for herself and now her ex husband has ended his relationship with the other woman and has asked my friend to reconcile. They have been spending time together "dating", being intimate and are now looking to move in together and potentially remarry. My friend asked me for my advice and I said to not reconcile as I thought it was too big a risk. She has asked me to post on loveshack for all of your well-reasoned opinions and for thoughtful advice regarding if she is about to make a mistake reconciling and remarrying after adultery. Will the remarriage last? Please let us know your thoughts. Thank you. She's clearly uncertain. That should be enough cause to stay her hand. From your other posts it seems that her reason for considering remarrying is 1) she can afford somewhere decent to live; and 2) despite claims of "making an independent life" she's been carrying a tocrch for him all this time. Neither is a good enough reason, IMO. OTOH, his reason seems to be 1) his R with fOW is over; and 2) soft landing with convenient, known-quantity xW is still available. I'm sure it will provide him with a nice comfortable base while he looks around for the next exciting adventure. I'm not seeing him convincing her he's a changed man, or that she's really been "the one" at any stage.
Got it Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Is he willing to do the following: 1. Therapy, IC and CC? 2. Be transparent in all areas, technology, etc? 3. other requirements she has? If he isn't completely open to moving heaven and earth to make her comfortable, if he bulks at any of it then I would say no. And I wouldn't be thinking marriage right now. Why intermingle financials? Just casually date and watch his actions not his words. I would say, following my own internal set up, if I have any energy inside that is pushing me to do something, any anxiety to hurry up, then I need to immediately put on the brakes and think about it.
Author Darien 76 Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 Lois_Griffin your post is hilarious and I agree! Have you ever met someone who can charm their way back into your heart no matter how many awful things they have done to you and they tell you exactly what you want to hear? That's how I would describe him - very slick. I'm not sure why my friend is willing to take another chance to possibly get burned again.
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