He is not into me? Or should I wait some more?

[Coldfire]

I really need some help because I just can't understand this guy. I think he doesn't like me but I am new to dating after a LTR and I don't think I can trust my judgement completely. I am not looking for something too serious right away but I definitely want someone who likes me, enjoys spending time with me and doesn't rule out the possibility of a serious relationship. Does this sound reasonable?

 

I met him online several weeks ago and have had 5 dates total. I love having sex with him. I think he does too but it's hard to tell how much. When he stayed over on Fri/Sat he didn't want to leave right away in the morning, we watched movies, had breakfast and talked until 1-2 pm. I can't say I like this too much but I thought it was a sign he liked spending time with me and tried yo appreciate it.

 

It was his birthday 2 weeks ago and he invited me to his party but I said that I didn't want to go since it was too soon and it was huge, 80+ people. I didn't want to run into someone I know and explain etc. I think he was relieved as he said "even better, we will have a separate celebration". I guess it was a good thing that he at least invited me.

 

The issue I am having is that he doest initiate contact much, when I text he replies usually right away but he doesn't seem eager to contact me. This bothers me and I have indicated that if my interest isn't reciprocated I don't want to keep seeing him. He replied that he doesn't understand why I am saying this that he likes me very much. He also told me that he finds it odd that I question his interest in me or desire to spend time with me. Well, I saw him last Saturday and haven't heard from him since Tuesday. He told me what a great time he had and how he can't wait to see me "very soon". Yet he is not making plans with me or communicating frequently enough to make me feel appreciated etc. I don't want to initiate everything.

 

I would also add that he is very social, somewhat of a " party boy" and women must like him so he probably has no problem getting laid. He is probably dating others but I am too. But I definitely want to be special and I am afraid I am not.

 

I was about to text him now but thought that I should post here instead. Should I just conclude that he is not into me? Or should I just relax and trust that he likes me? How should I proceed? Do nothing ?

[DoingItWell11]

I think he is into you other wise he wouldn't have inivited you to his bday, seen you over the weekend, or been in text contact with you.

 

I think the lax attitude you are sensing from him is the fact that you are "1 of a few" or however many other girls he's dating. Since you are also dating others, you mentioned you speculate he is too.

 

Are you sexually exclusive?

 

I think he likes you, but he also likes his other "options" that he's dating and enjoying playing the field if you will.

 

If you are fine being intimate while both are you are dating others, then continue. But I sense that you are looking for some exclusivity and wanting to be "the one" (at least for now/getting to know each other better).

 

Since he seems to have a few girls in the loop, I think it's best to wait it out to see if he contacts you. What was the last text exchange like on tuesday? Were you positive/in agreement to see him again when he said he can't wait to see you "very soon?"

[Coldfire]

This may sound a little awful but I am seeing two other guys and don't want to stop seeing them or other people in general. I am still recovering from a breakup that I initiated and feel totally messed up. However, this guy is important to me and I would definitely see him over the other two.

 

I have not communicated any of this to him except that I like him and I am very attracted to him. I am afraid that I may be falling in love with him. I don't think I want exclusivity immediately but I want passion and romance. I want to be to him what he is to me - my # 1 choice, even if we are both playing the field. I want him to have complete freedom but long to see me. Does it make sense?

 

After he told me that he wants to see me very soon I expressed interest but did't ask when. It was all positive but he hasn't texted since. ;(.

 

I guess I shoukd just wait and see . But I want to know

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. He has been kind, always going to nice dinners and movies together, he never wanted to make this all about sex so perhaps this is somewhat mutual.

 

 

 

 

I think he is into you other wise he wouldn't have inivited you to his bday, seen you over the weekend, or been in text contact with you.

 

I think the lax attitude you are sensing from him is the fact that you are "1 of a few" or however many other girls he's dating. Since you are also dating others, you mentioned you speculate he is too.

 

Are you sexually exclusive?

 

I think he likes you, but he also likes his other "options" that he's dating and enjoying playing the field if you will.

 

If you are fine being intimate while both are you are dating others, then continue. But I sense that you are looking for some exclusivity and wanting to be "the one" (at least for now/getting to know each other better).

 

Since he seems to have a few girls in the loop, I think it's best to wait it out to see if he contacts you. What was the last text exchange like on tuesday? Were you positive/in agreement to see him again when he said he can't wait to see you "very soon?"

[Redhead14]

This may sound a little awful but I am seeing two other guys and don't want to stop seeing them or other people in general. I am still recovering from a breakup that I initiated and feel totally messed up. However, this guy is important to me and I would definitely see him over the other two.

 

I have not communicated any of this to him except that I like him and I am very attracted to him. I am afraid that I may be falling in love with him. I don't think I want exclusivity immediately but I want passion and romance. I want to be to him what he is to me - my # 1 choice, even if we are both playing the field. I want him to have complete freedom but long to see me. Does it make sense?

 

After he told me that he wants to see me very soon I expressed interest but did't ask when. It was all positive but he hasn't texted since. ;(.

 

I guess I shoukd just wait and see . But I want to know

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. He has been kind, always going to nice dinners and movies together, he never wanted to make this all about sex so perhaps this is somewhat mutual.

 

I am seeing two other guys and don't want to stop seeing them or other people in general

 

I want him to have complete freedom but long to see me

 

You want your cake and eat it too . . . and you're trying to give that to him as well. You want the benefits of a relationship without the "commitment".

 

You really need to get real with yourself about what you want -- either you want to date casually or you want to date for a relationship. Frankly, it would be really unfair to have him become so romantically involved and hot for you, when you're not really sure about what you want.

 

Women complain all the time about that kind of scenario -- she gets really involved with a guy and she starts pushing things and she hears him say "I don't know what I want." I don't want to hurt you". That sucks for anybody.

 

Until you figure out exactly what you want, you're gonna be a confused mess.

 

If you don't want a serious relationship, don't expect everything to be serious . . .

 

And, frankly, this guy seems very interested into you. He may not be into texting a lot.

 

I am still recovering from a breakup that I initiated and feel totally messed up. -- You're feeling that way for a reason -- you haven't fully recovered. Now you're dating and wanting the comfort and security of the relationship you USED to have but are afraid of it at the same time.

 

And, when you communicated your dislike for his lack of communicating in between, you framed it in a negative way (at least here). A better way is "You know, I'm enjoying the time we spend together and I'd like it if we had more communication between dates". And, then let him talk.

 

When you have these kinds of conversations, just make it about YOU. Don't be critical or threatening -- "I'm not feeling like I'm a priority for you and if you can't do better, I want to stop seeing you". That's about as negative as you can get.

 

Relax a little and just enjoy. And, if you decide that you truly want more with this guy, you still just have to sit back and observe but be clear in your demonstration of interest toward him. You've been on a enough dates with him and are being intimate, you can and should do some initiating. But, if you're doing most if not all of it, you need to sit back even more a let him come to you if he's going to do that. If he doesn't, he's just not that serious about you, so be it.

 

IMO, it's too soon for you to be looking for or in a relationship. Date casually without too much in the way of expectations. You can't have it both ways.

[preraph]

Well, he's not looking for texting and chit-chat. He's interested in face-to-face and sex. There is nothing wrong with that. If you want something more than to be a sex buddy, then hold standards accordingly. If he takes you out on dates, asks you out, picks you up, pays for your dinner or movie at least part of the time, then he's dating you. If you are just hanging out to have sex and not going out, he's just having sex with you. He did invite you to a party and I don't know why you declined, but that was a chance to see how he introduces you to friends or if he even bothers, whether the gives you a lot of attention at the party like a girlfriend or whether he gives you no more than anyone else, and you would know if he considers you a girlfriend or not.

[Coldfire]

Thank you very much @Redhead14!

 

This is extremely helpful. It is true that I am not ready to have a relationship and it is not fair to expect anything to develop but I am developing feelings for this guy. You have no idea how many times my girlfriends have been annoyed about my behavior and have told me that I am behaving like a commitment-phobic guy.

 

I often have a great time with someone and then disappear or act as if I don't care. I sometimes come back demonstrating affection. This must be very confusing. The truth is, I am completely obsessed with being free and independent and I also like to feel as if I am in charge. This is an illusion and I know we are never truly "in charge" when it comes to feelings and relationships. Overall, I am miserable.

 

With this guy, if I look at his actions, he has demonstrated respect and has been consistent while I was frankly acting bipolar . Yes, he is seeing other people as I am I but he has been making time for me. On one occasion I suggested to meet at my place directly and he insisted to take me out instead. His overall position has been to wait and see how things develop while I adore him one day and don't want to see him the next.

 

Perhaps he thinks that I am totally emotionally unstable.

 

Regardless, is there anything I can do to save this or should I just move on and try to not repeat the same mistakes next time I like someone?

 

Would it be ok to tell him that I am struggling because I like him more than I am ready to like anyone or is this too straightforward?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am seeing two other guys and don't want to stop seeing them or other people in general

 

I want him to have complete freedom but long to see me

 

You want your cake and eat it too . . . and you're trying to give that to him as well. You want the benefits of a relationship without the "commitment".

 

You really need to get real with yourself about what you want -- either you want to date casually or you want to date for a relationship. Frankly, it would be really unfair to have him become so romantically involved and hot for you, when you're not really sure about what you want.

 

Women complain all the time about that kind of scenario -- she gets really involved with a guy and she starts pushing things and she hears him say "I don't know what I want." I don't want to hurt you". That sucks for anybody.

 

Until you figure out exactly what you want, you're gonna be a confused mess.

 

If you don't want a serious relationship, don't expect everything to be serious . . .

 

And, frankly, this guy seems very interested into you. He may not be into texting a lot.

 

I am still recovering from a breakup that I initiated and feel totally messed up. -- You're feeling that way for a reason -- you haven't fully recovered. Now you're dating and wanting the comfort and security of the relationship you USED to have but are afraid of it at the same time.

 

And, when you communicated your dislike for his lack of communicating in between, you framed it in a negative way (at least here). A better way is "You know, I'm enjoying the time we spend together and I'd like it if we had more communication between dates". And, then let him talk.

 

When you have these kinds of conversations, just make it about YOU. Don't be critical or threatening -- "I'm not feeling like I'm a priority for you and if you can't do better, I want to stop seeing you". That's about as negative as you can get.

 

Relax a little and just enjoy. And, if you decide that you truly want more with this guy, you still just have to sit back and observe but be clear in your demonstration of interest toward him. You've been on a enough dates with him and are being intimate, you can and should do some initiating. But, if you're doing most if not all of it, you need to sit back even more a let him come to you if he's going to do that. If he doesn't, he's just not that serious about you, so be it.

 

IMO, it's too soon for you to be looking for or in a relationship. Date casually without too much in the way of expectations. You can't have it both ways.

[stillafool]

How often do the other guys you are dating text you?

[Coldfire]

Thanks, preraph.

 

I think we both went into this not wanting to date each other although we didn't discuss this seriously. He wanted to have sex on our first date but it didn't feel right, then I wanted to meet just for sex and he wanted us to have real dates instead.

 

I rejected the bday party invitation because I didn't want to get involved emotionally and also I felt that it was way too early after 2 dates.

 

What can be done now? I think we are both giving each other mixed messages and nothing is clear but having a conversation would be forced.

 

Well, he's not looking for texting and chit-chat. He's interested in face-to-face and sex. There is nothing wrong with that. If you want something more than to be a sex buddy, then hold standards accordingly. If he takes you out on dates, asks you out, picks you up, pays for your dinner or movie at least part of the time, then he's dating you. If you are just hanging out to have sex and not going out, he's just having sex with you. He did invite you to a party and I don't know why you declined, but that was a chance to see how he introduces you to friends or if he even bothers, whether the gives you a lot of attention at the party like a girlfriend or whether he gives you no more than anyone else, and you would know if he considers you a girlfriend or not.

[Coldfire]

I don't even pay attention...it doesn't matter until I actually like someone and I rarely do. I think if I have to be objective this is probably enough if we are not sure where this is going. I am just uncomfortable with my own feelings Help:o

 

How often do the other guys you are dating text you?

[Lansing]

Since you mentioned bipolar have you actually been diagnosed or can you just relate to the symptoms? Maybe you should talk to a therapist to help deal with these internal conflicts. I don't know if it would help but one thing that often gets confused with bipolar is Borderline Personality Disorder so maybe read up on that too.

 

You kind of sound like one of my Ex's. We started dating and I showed her as much respect and compassion/interest in her as I felt was warranted at an early stage but it didn't seem like enough. I was extremely busy with work at the time and she would get frustrated if I didn't initiate contact or drop everything to spend time with her.it started feeling like she just wanted the attention and someone to be into her vs actually wanting to be with me. It feels like you want this guy to "want you" to validate yourself. I think if she had followed Redhead's suggestion and expressed her "needs" vs attacking me and questioning my feelings for her that things could have turned out a lot different.

 

I don't understand why you are also quick to think the solution is to just move on to the next guy. If you like him, then communicate with him and try to make this work.

[Mysteryman9110]

It sounds like to me that you are a girl in his rotation and are probably 3rd or 4th option at best. ( sorry to be so blunt ). He is most likely gaming other girls online and when he goes on a bit of a dry spell he will contact you or if you contact him first he will reply just to keep you on the hook. If you want to play around with " party boys " who " all the women want " then you gotta be ready for this. I can assure you that if he isn't worried about you seeing other people, or hasn't tried to make you exclusive and locked down then he is doing quite well with other women already.

[Gaeta]

I would also add that he is very social, somewhat of a " party boy" and women must like him so he probably has no problem getting laid. He is probably dating others but I am too. But I definitely want to be special and I am afraid I am not.

 

If you want a man that will demonstrate proper attention, that will make plans to see you ahead of time, a man that will block his Saturday night for you than don't date party boys. It's as simple at that.

 

Like redhead said you want a casual relationship but with the commitment and security of a ltr, add to that you want the thrill of dating a bad boy but want him to act as a good man.

[GemmaUK]

You're very available and up for sex.

 

It's convenient for him (and you too it seems) but unlikely much more.

Don't expect a relationship out of this.

[anna121]

I'm curious why you didn't like it that he spent time with you the day after you had sex. It seems to contradict your stated feelings.

 

I dunno - seems like very much a bait and switch that is unfair to him, even if he is seeing other people.

[smackie9]

I understand what you are saying. Even tho this is just casual, you still want the BF experience and have some communication in between dates. I don't think it's too much to ask, but I feel he only reserves that for someone he is serious with. If he is dating others, no communication between dates just keeps things simple, and he doesn't have to focus his energy needlessly, or he is just one of those who would rather save it for the dates. Some people hate texting, and I have seen many posts here about it.

 

You already had a discussion with him about communicating between dates, and he pretty much isn't going to apply himself to do it, so you have one of two choices...suck it up and keep seeing him and see where this goes, or end it and move on.

[katiegrl]

I have read every post on this thread.

 

Coldfire, you said your friends think you are behaving like a *commitment phobic guy."

 

No, you are behaving like a commitment phobic *girl*.

 

Women can be every bit as commitment phobic as men, and you my dear are just that... at least that is how it appears to me from everything you have posted.

 

The reason you like *this* guy and not the others is cuz he is a challenge and you are unsure of him.

 

If he made himself available to you and wanted the RL you say you want, my guess is you would run away, just like you do with all the others.

 

I think it would behoove you to explore your fear, within yourself and/or with the help of a support group or qualified therapist who specializes in these types of fears.

 

The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" is a good start. I have read it myself and found it extremely helpful in navigating my own fears and relationships.

 

Best of luck.

Edited September 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[Coldfire]

Lansing, I have not really demanded attention but I have definitely not communicated my needs, mostly because my needs have changed. You are right that i should instead of just stating my confusion and running away...

 

I have ADHD, definitely not BPD.

 

 

Since you mentioned bipolar have you actually been diagnosed or can you just relate to the symptoms? Maybe you should talk to a therapist to help deal with these internal conflicts. I don't know if it would help but one thing that often gets confused with bipolar is Borderline Personality Disorder so maybe read up on that too.

 

You kind of sound like one of my Ex's. We started dating and I showed her as much respect and compassion/interest in her as I felt was warranted at an early stage but it didn't seem like enough. I was extremely busy with work at the time and she would get frustrated if I didn't initiate contact or drop everything to spend time with her.it started feeling like she just wanted the attention and someone to be into her vs actually wanting to be with me. It feels like you want this guy to "want you" to validate yourself. I think if she had followed Redhead's suggestion and expressed her "needs" vs attacking me and questioning my feelings for her that things could have turned out a lot different.

 

I don't understand why you are also quick to think the solution is to just move on to the next guy. If you like him, then communicate with him and try to make this work.

[Coldfire]

Ok, from what you are saying it seems that I just need to end it because I can not add feelings to the mix.

 

I don't understand why being very attracted to someone and wanting sex makes a relationship impossible. This is why I posted - I just don't know and I don't want to get hurt.

 

 

 

You're very available and up for sex.

 

It's convenient for him (and you too it seems) but unlikely much more.

Don't expect a relationship out of this.

[Coldfire]

So he has texted several times since Thursday and I have not texted back. I finally did now, agreeing to see him and letting him know that I can meet next weekend. He replied immediately suggesting Friday. Thoughts?

 

I understand that not replying to texts is rude but I have been so confused about my own feelings and the mixed feedback. Thank you all for your support! And I acknowledge I am "love avoidant" as my therapist says but I do want to change this. I just don't think this is the right guy and I wish I could change the way I feel.

[Coldfire]

Mysteryman9110

I don't have a problem with bluntness but how do you reach to this conclusion if I am seeing this person mostly on weekends?

 

We have both started seeing each other under the assumption that it won't be serious. This is why I am confused about my feelings. However, I can not conclude from his behaviour that I am his "3rd or 4th option at best" so I wonder why you think so. Again, I am not saying you are not right, I just don't understand

 

 

It sounds like to me that you are a girl in his rotation and are probably 3rd or 4th option at best. ( sorry to be so blunt ). He is most likely gaming other girls online and when he goes on a bit of a dry spell he will contact you or if you contact him first he will reply just to keep you on the hook. If you want to play around with " party boys " who " all the women want " then you gotta be ready for this. I can assure you that if he isn't worried about you seeing other people, or hasn't tried to make you exclusive and locked down then he is doing quite well with other women already.

[JewelD]

So he has texted several times since Thursday and I have not texted back. I finally did now, agreeing to see him and letting him know that I can meet next weekend. He replied immediately suggesting Friday. Thoughts?

 

I understand that not replying to texts is rude but I have been so confused about my own feelings and the mixed feedback. Thank you all for your support! And I acknowledge I am "love avoidant" as my therapist says but I do want to change this. I just don't think this is the right guy and I wish I could change the way I feel.

 

If he's not the right guy then why are you meeting up with him? If you like how things are going, enjoy it, if you don't, end it. You can't magically turn him into the right guy.

[Coldfire]

Because I thought he would just be a good lover to have but then I developed feelings...

 

If he's not the right guy then why are you meeting up with him? If you like how things are going, enjoy it, if you don't, end it. You can't magically turn him into the right guy.

[Coldfire]

anna121

 

At this point I wasn't ready to accept the fact that I had a crush on him and didn't want this to feel like a bf/gf interaction...

 

 

I'm curious why you didn't like it that he spent time with you the day after you had sex. It seems to contradict your stated feelings.

 

I dunno - seems like very much a bait and switch that is unfair to him, even if he is seeing other people.

[Coldfire]

Hi smackie9

 

I haven't specifically told him that I want him to text more. He also has some rather serious vision issues and may not enjoy texting. However he could definitely call or email.

 

I have decided to see him this coming week and will report back here. If nothing changes and I don;t feel better about this, it would mean that I can't handle seeing him for whatever reason.

 

Thanks for your feedback

 

 

 

I understand what you are saying. Even tho this is just casual, you still want the BF experience and have some communication in between dates. I don't think it's too much to ask, but I feel he only reserves that for someone he is serious with. If he is dating others, no communication between dates just keeps things simple, and he doesn't have to focus his energy needlessly, or he is just one of those who would rather save it for the dates. Some people hate texting, and I have seen many posts here about it.

 

You already had a discussion with him about communicating between dates, and he pretty much isn't going to apply himself to do it, so you have one of two choices...suck it up and keep seeing him and see where this goes, or end it and move on.

[Coldfire]

Yes, a commitment phobic girl...

You are totally right that if he is more available I may lose interest..

 

On the other hand I have been in long term relationships.

 

I understand my issues and am working with a therapist. Yet, situations like this are very hard to navigate....

 

Thank you!

 

I have read every post on this thread.

 

Coldfire, you said your friends think you are behaving like a *commitment phobic guy."

 

No, you are behaving like a commitment phobic *girl*.

 

Women can be every bit as commitment phobic as men, and you my dear are just that... at least that is how it appears to me from everything you have posted.

 

The reason you like *this* guy and not the others is cuz he is a challenge and you are unsure of him.

 

If he made himself available to you and wanted the RL you say you want, my guess is you would run away, just like you do with all the others.

 

I think it would behoove you to explore your fear, within yourself and/or with the help of a support group or qualified therapist who specializes in these types of fears.

 

The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" is a good start. I have read it myself and found it extremely helpful in navigating my own fears and relationships.

 

Best of luck.