Logic: Psychological thinking on behavior

[MaryJaneDoe]

Hello!

 

This is not your usual post about a situation I am going through. It is however a post that I am looking for men to share their honest, and valued opinion. The same goes for women if they know a story of a close male friend.

 

 

I am sure we have all heard the age old story of the "ghosting man" after having spent some great time with one another. There is post after post or story after story telling ladies to move-on.

 

After reading some of these stories and hearing them from friends, I had asked myself: "What if he was not in the best situation at the time for a relationship, and needed some more time/get through some things prior to committing to a relationship?"

 

The thought had crossed my mind, with today's social media, and how easy it is to not see someone face to face, we start to lack the proper social skills to express ourselves, especially men, as it was always men who had lack just a tad in the emotional expression department.

 

My question to all of you is this:

Have you ever met someone you had a connection with, but wasn't ready to commit because of obligations you had to do, i.e. work project, school, money, life, etc etc and felt that if you explained that to him/her that you might lose out on the opportunity entirely. So, you "ghosted" or left the person hanging because you couldn't progress the relationship, nor did you want to end it per say.

 

 

Looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts!

[Redhead14]

Hello!

 

This is not your usual post about a situation I am going through. It is however a post that I am looking for men to share their honest, and valued opinion. The same goes for women if they know a story of a close male friend.

 

 

I am sure we have all heard the age old story of the "ghosting man" after having spent some great time with one another. There is post after post or story after story telling ladies to move-on.

 

After reading some of these stories and hearing them from friends, I had asked myself: "What if he was not in the best situation at the time for a relationship, and needed some more time/get through some things prior to committing to a relationship?"

 

The thought had crossed my mind, with today's social media, and how easy it is to not see someone face to face, we start to lack the proper social skills to express ourselves, especially men, as it was always men who had lack just a tad in the emotional expression department.

 

My question to all of you is this:

Have you ever met someone you had a connection with, but wasn't ready to commit because of obligations you had to do, i.e. work project, school, money, life, etc etc and felt that if you explained that to him/her that you might lose out on the opportunity entirely. So, you "ghosted" or left the person hanging because you couldn't progress the relationship, nor did you want to end it per say.

 

 

Looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts!

 

If a person ghosts a dating partner (a partner they'd been dating for than a couple of weeks), the relationship is over whether the ghoster intends it to be or not. What you are talking about is extremely immature and disrespectful.

 

Ghosting is simply avoiding dealing with a difficult situation. It's selfish.

 

If the person who has been ghosted has an ounce of sense and self-respect, he/she will move on and never look back.

[katiegrl]

 

My question to all of you is this:

Have you ever met someone you had a connection with, but wasn't ready to commit because of obligations you had to do, i.e. work project, school, money, life, etc etc and felt that if you explained that to him/her that you might lose out on the opportunity entirely.

 

So, you "ghosted" or left the person hanging because you couldn't progress the relationship, nor did you want to end it per say.

 

 

Like RH said, the RL is over, but I am wondering if what you meant is, by ghosting instead of ending it "officially," the person leaves the door OPEN to return at a later time should he/she change their mind.

 

If so, then I agree, people are hesitant to official end things in case they change their minds and want to return later. Maybe the timing wasn't right or they met someone else or whatevs.

 

Ghosting/disappearing allows them to do that... of course IF they do wish to return, they need to come up with a plausible reason why they disappeared.

 

For me if a man just ghosted/disappeared, there would be NO plausible excuse, but I know women who have had men return months later and the woman agreed to see them again.

 

Big mistake IMO.

[Gaeta]

I met this man a couple of years ago. We hit it off big time. He had a secret. his secret was he was leaving the country permanently 6 months later therefore unavailable for a ltr. He didn't tell me. He was afraid I'd decline dating him so he proceeded to dating me for 6 months without telling me a word.

 

He used me till the end. kept me in the dark till 1 week before his departure. To make the matter a little less traumatic (one week before leaving) he said he was leaving just for a few months and he'd contact me as soon as he lands.

 

I never heard from him again.

 

What is your question again? Oh ya! Was his ghosting justified? I think that is your question. No, ghosting is not justified under any conditions or for any reasons. It took me months to get over that betrayal.

 

If he showed up today to tell me he was not in a right place to date back then, he had personal things to take care of, I would spit fire at him.

 

So who ever ghosted on you is not worth it. If they come back reject them as hard as you can. There is no excuses for ghosting even today in this electronic era.

[MaryJaneDoe]

Ladies, ladies, I am looking for a MALE perspective lol, the trouble with women responses is we generally put our own feelings into the response. Of course we are hurt, and of course we should stand up for ourselves and NOT allow for this type of behavior to happen if they return because we deserve better. I am simply looking to see if what I brought to thread has happened to any men out there.

 

Thanks loves!

[MaryJaneDoe]

Like RH said, the RL is over, but I am wondering if what you meant is, by ghosting instead of ending it "officially," the person leaves the door OPEN to return at a later time should he/she change their mind.

 

If so, then I agree, people are hesitant to official end things in case they change their minds and want to return later. Maybe the timing wasn't right or they met someone else or whatevs.

 

Ghosting/disappearing allows them to do that... of course IF they do wish to return, they need to come up with a plausible reason why they disappeared.

 

For me if a man just ghosted/disappeared, there would be NO plausible excuse, but I know women who have had men return months later and the woman agreed to see them again.

 

Big mistake IMO.

 

 

Refering to the bolded part- yes! This is exactly what I'm wondering. Is this 21st century dating, not because they aren't into a woman, but because saying "hey look I cant have a relationship right now, I'm stumbling over my own feet with life but I so like you so maybe we can pick this up later??" gives us fair game to go "ok peace where is the next bus?" and they don't want that to happen either.

 

You might be asking, "Why would he put himself in that position to like someone then?!" Well, life isn't always so simple, let me put a few scenarios out there:

 

Man and woman work in the same company. Man is going through a tough time, separation from an ex, moving, or knows they will have to make a major career move shift. Man starts to get to know woman, and realizes *ZING* whoa! Some chemistry is here. Man and woman hit it off the few times they went out. Life hits man, and he realizes he is a bit distracted and/or has too much on his plate. He doesn't want to "end" it with her per-say because he likes her so he "ghosts" putting them on pause.

 

Another scenario:

 

Man and woman have mutual friends. Man has a lot going on right now, but while hanging out with some friends on a few Friday/Saturday nights, ZING chemistry with this woman...and the same thing happens.

 

Again, not sure if this is ever the real case, but I am looking for a man's opinion or a woman who knows of a situation of a male figure close to them like this.

[katiegrl]

Refering to the bolded part- yes! This is exactly what I'm wondering. Is this 21st century dating, not because they aren't into a woman, but because saying "hey look I cant have a relationship right now, I'm stumbling over my own feet with life but I so like you so maybe we can pick this up later??" gives us fair game to go "ok peace where is the next bus?" and they don't want that to happen either.

 

You might be asking, "Why would he put himself in that position to like someone then?!" Well, life isn't always so simple, let me put a few scenarios out there:

 

Man and woman work in the same company. Man is going through a tough time, separation from an ex, moving, or knows they will have to make a major career move shift. Man starts to get to know woman, and realizes *ZING* whoa! Some chemistry is here. Man and woman hit it off the few times they went out. Life hits man, and he realizes he is a bit distracted and/or has too much on his plate. He doesn't want to "end" it with her per-say because he likes her so he "ghosts" putting them on pause.

 

Another scenario:

 

Man and woman have mutual friends. Man has a lot going on right now, but while hanging out with some friends on a few Friday/Saturday nights, ZING chemistry with this woman...and the same thing happens.

 

Again, not sure if this is ever the real case, but I am looking for a man's opinion or a woman who knows of a situation of a male figure close to them like this.

 

Why? So you can justify and feel better about some bozo who ghosted on you? Thinking "oh he really likes me but was just not ready, or scared, or whatevs... blah blah (yawn)."

 

Anyway to answer your question, YES I have a brother whom I love dearly and who is a great brother but he ghosts on women all the time.

 

No he doesn't ghost because he feels chemistry but is too busy or distracted to want to pursue dating or a RL at that particular point in time.

 

He ghosts because he lost interest in her and doesn't want to deal with her possibly going bat shyt crazy or asking a bunch of questions, so he just disappears.

 

Sure he may change his mind later when bored or options have dried out so the door is open to contact her again.

 

It is wrong of course and HE knows this and is not proud of it, but it is what it is. He fully admits to being a total coward in this regard (at least to me).

 

In the scenarios you describe above, said man would NOT ghost because ghosting is crappy and he would not want to risk burning bridges by doing something so crappy.

 

He would explain to her that it's just not the right time to get into a RL, but he would like to keep her number and contact her again later when the timing is better.

 

I know a few men for whom that was very much the case (not with me). These guys were in a support group I was a member of for while.

Edited September 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[MaryJaneDoe]

Why? So you can justify and feel better about some bozo who ghosted on you? Thinking "oh he really likes me but was just not ready, or scared, or whatevs... blah blah (yawn)."

 

Anyway to answer your question, YES I have a brother whom I love dearly and who is a great brother but he ghosts on women all the time.

 

No he doesn't ghost because he feels chemistry but is too busy or distracted to want to pursue dating or a RL at that particular point in time.

 

He ghosts because he lost interest in her and doesn't want to deal with her possibly going bat shyt crazy or asking a bunch of questions, so he just disappears.

 

Sure he may change his mind later when bored or options have dried out so the door is open to contact her again.

 

It is wrong of course and HE knows this and is not proud of it, but it is what it is.

 

In the scenarios you describe above, said man would NOT ghost because ghosting is crappy and he would not want to risk burning bridges by doing something so crappy.

 

He would explain to her that it's just not the right time to get into a RL, but he would like to keep her number and contact her again later when the timing is better.

 

I know a few men for whom that was very much the case (not with me). These guys were in a support group I was a member of for while.

 

 

You really need to relax, you're taking my thread request a bit too seriously to respond so hostile. The second part of your response appreciated.

[katiegrl]

You really need to relax, you're taking my thread request a bit too seriously to respond so hostile. The second part of your response appreciated.

 

Oh I am very relaxed but appreciate your concern.

 

I am just very honest and can be pretty blunt at times, apologies if I offended.

 

Whatever your situation is, best of luck.

 

ETA: I also get quite pissed at my brother for his behavior... so my post may have (and probably did) reflect that.

 

Again sorry if I offended not my intention.

Edited September 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[salparadise]

Ok I'll bite, although I don't know that it's what you're looking for.

 

When I was young, 20s, I was working in a town I hated and a job I hated. I met a girl who was really nice... thin, good looking, blonde hair, blue eyes, experienced, and extremely sexual. As far as I could tell she was authentic and trustworthy too. I was not very experienced but she didn't care. I would've gotten plenty of experience with her and felt pretty lucky that she wanted to be with me.

 

But, I wanted out of that place really bad. I just had a feeling that if I kept on seeing her that I'd end up falling hard for her, and that it would define my life. So with that in mind consciously, and my inexperienced fear of vulnerability working on me subconsciously, I cooled things down without much explanation. I'm sure she thought I wasn't attracted or something like that––but in fact it was the opposite. She was too good, and it was the wrong time and place for me to get in over my head.

 

Later on, after I gained some experience with women and sex, if I backed off it was either because I wasn't attracted, or because of something in their personality that did didn't resonate.

[Mkn1010]

I am not a man, but I have experienced one man ghosting after our second date, I literally didn't hear a peep from him again. Now, that's pretty standard from what I'm told in the dating realm as it was very new, only two dates, whatever. But as I'm new to dating again, I decided I'd just send him a very considered, emotionally neutral but assertive message about how his behaviour did not suit me.

 

 

This is one of those weird stories where the guy actually came back, two weeks later, saying that he starting feeling overwhelmed by the speed and seriousness of things! To me that sounded odd after 2 dates, however this guy had originally mentioned that his last GF left him "broken" and I actually had a gut feeling that he was going to be the vanishing type. I even didn't think he'd make it to our first date. I guess with some men, you actually just KNOW when it's an emotional problem of theirs.

 

 

This guy still talks to me to this day, I never caught up with him again, however he is always messaging me and wanting to see me. However, even in his messaging style, he'll go full hog with a whole back and forth text convo with me and then just randomly STOP mid convo even if I've asked a question and then will return days/weeks later. I honestly now just speak to him as the behaviour fascinates me and he's actually a very interesting guy, despite his apparent issues. I will not try to pursue any sort of RL with this dude though beyond friendship.

 

 

I think someone here explained these people as the "attachment avoidant" types!

[katiegrl]

 

I think someone here explained these people as the "attachment avoidant" types!

 

Or just your average, standard, everyday commitment phobe (same thing).

 

Which describes my brother to a T!

[MaryJaneDoe]

Ok I'll bite, although I don't know that it's what you're looking for.

 

When I was young, 20s, I was working in a town I hated and a job I hated. I met a girl who was really nice... thin, good looking, blonde hair, blue eyes, experienced, and extremely sexual. As far as I could tell she was authentic and trustworthy too. I was not very experienced but she didn't care. I would've gotten plenty of experience with her and felt pretty lucky that she wanted to be with me.

 

But, I wanted out of that place really bad. I just had a feeling that if I kept on seeing her that I'd end up falling hard for her, and that it would define my life. So with that in mind consciously, and my inexperienced fear of vulnerability working on me subconsciously, I cooled things down without much explanation. I'm sure she thought I wasn't attracted or something like that––but in fact it was the opposite. She was too good, and it was the wrong time and place for me to get in over my head.

 

Later on, after I gained some experience with women and sex, if I backed off it was either because I wasn't attracted, or because of something in their personality that did didn't resonate.

 

 

Thank you for sharing! This is exactly what I was looking for!

 

salparadise I feel that possibilities can occur like this, and its easy for a guy to "ghost" because its out of 'sight out of mind' type of thing.

 

But why would your life have been defined if you went the route (often less traveled) with her?

[salparadise]

Thank you for sharing! This is exactly what I was looking for!

 

salparadise I feel that possibilities can occur like this, and its easy for a guy to "ghost" because its out of 'sight out of mind' type of thing.

 

But why would your life have been defined if you went the route (often less traveled) with her?

 

Well, I was afraid that if I fell in love it would have been hard to leave. And I knew I was vulnerable to that. I was an emotional virgin.

 

Are you familiar with Kerouac's "On The Road?" During his travels, Sal falls in love with a migrant worker named Terry in California. He lives and works the fields with them for awhile, but then realizes he has to leave because it's not his life. He expresses some vague intention to return for her, but they both know it wasn't to be.

 

The place was isolated geographically and devoid of the culture that I envisioned for my life, and that I had prepared for in college. She was a product of that culture, uneducated, unrefined. I was young, fresh out of college and living hand-to-mouth, but I had larger dreams. I wasn't ready in any sense to make a very young (barely legal), albeit sexually experienced, woman a priority, and I sensed that might happen if I kept dating and having sex with her. She gave me the first really good sex I'd had and it was mesmerizing, and fear inducing. I would've been down for a girlfriend and getting some sexual experience otherwise, but I didn't fit that place, and didn't see her as fitting any place else. But to be clear, it hadn't developed into anything that needed to be terminated... permanence wasn't one of the options in my mind.

[Buddhist]

No. This has never happened to me for the reasons that you state. Any guy who wanted to be with me did in the moment and time that we met. If he didn't want to be with me then he didn't for reasons unknown to me and for reasons I didn't really ponder about. I've never been ghosted.

Edited September 26, 2016 by Buddhist

[preraph]

Then what's he doing trying to date to begin with?