Zeo828 Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I ask this question because lately people tell me to "give it one more chance" or " go out at least one date". " this is why you are single." I recently dated 2 woman. Went on 2 dates, and I decided they were not romantically for me. But some friends say I give up easily. When did giving someone one more chance become a thing? What's the big deal? What about the amount of women who have turned me down, with no date at all. Or they turned me down after 1 date? I respect their decision and move on. sometimes your intuition just knows. Is there anything wrong with that? 2
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I disagree with your friends. I knew after the first date whether I was romantically interested or not. You are attracted what you are attracted to, and if you are not feeling any kind of connection by the 2nd or 3rd date then there is no point. I have tried the "Give it some time" method and I ended up hurting the person because they were falling for me. 5
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 Ya there were a few guys that were relentless/kept asking me out.....all it did was piss me off. 3
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 Do you want to find someone to connect with on a deeper level or you want to have a revenge on women for the way they dropped you after 1 date only. What other people do is their problem. If you want to meet someone then yes give them a chance. When I first met my boyfriend I had decided to not see him again. Then when he invited me again I reconsidered and I kind of liked him a little more. I gave it a 3rd date and by the 4th one I really liked him. It's been close to 11 months and I am crazy about him. I am in a loving relationship because I kept opened to possibilities. If I had wanted to drop everyone after a 1 date cause that's what men do, I'd still be online looking.
Author Zeo828 Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) I am glad you found Love by not giving up on your current bf. That's great. However, I want to make it clear that I am NOT GETTING REVENGE on women LOL. I was just trying to make a point that from my dating experience, as a man, not too many people gave me a chance. Sometimes I don'teven get a date, because the woman knows right away that I am not for her. I'm OK with that. I think this is a normal thing. Sometimes we just know. They just knew, and I respected that. I apologize if I sounded bitter, I am not. I want to find love. It's just sometimes you know right away that this person is not for you. I give it a 2nd and 3rd try sometimes, due to friends's pressures.. and it still doesn't work. Then the woman starts thinking I'm interested more than I am. And then wonders why I suddenly end it. If I am undecided, then sure. But if I know, I don't see a point in "trying one more time." For the woman out there, if you are single, and a man you know is not your type asks you out... will you say "yes" just to give it a chance? Probably not. You just know. It's just lately I hear it allot. My point is, what's the big deal? I meet someone, and it does not work for me, and we move on. Edited September 22, 2016 by Zeo828
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 If you know right away that she is not for you than don't pursue any further. I was referring more to when you meet someone, when they are nice, they present well, you have a few things in common, when you have no reasons to not like her than explore it a little further. The risk is in waiting for a spark. That's dangerous. I felt a spark on our 4th or 5th date. I spent 3,5 years online and met close to 200 men. I discarded them by the dozen, too fat, too skinny, don't like his little hands, name it. The truth was that deep down I was not ready to invest myself in 1 man. The day I got ready to really invest myself I used patience and stopped looking for an instant spark...and that's when I finally met.
SwordofFlame Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I think it's fine to just give up after one or two dates if your date does not show any kind of reciprocation or interest in you at all. Do not make excuses like he or she's very shy and/or introverted. Just go by their actions. 1
Chris2016 Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I am glad you found Love by not giving up on your current bf. That's great. However, I want to make it clear that I am NOT GETTING REVENGE on women LOL. I was just trying to make a point that from my dating experience, as a man, not too many people gave me a chance. Sometimes I don'teven get a date, because the woman knows right away that I am not for her. I'm OK with that. I think this is a normal thing. Sometimes we just know. They just knew, and I respected that. I apologize if I sounded bitter, I am not. I want to find love. It's just sometimes you know right away that this person is not for you. I give it a 2nd and 3rd try sometimes, due to friends's pressures.. and it still doesn't work. Then the woman starts thinking I'm interested more than I am. And then wonders why I suddenly end it. If I am undecided, then sure. But if I know, I don't see a point in "trying one more time." For the woman out there, if you are single, and a man you know is not your type asks you out... will you say "yes" just to give it a chance? Probably not. You just know. It's just lately I hear it allot. My point is, what's the big deal? I meet someone, and it does not work for me, and we move on. On the receiving end of rejection, I think you have a healthy perspective. Though rejection sucks, it's kind of empowering too, that we can choose to move on. On the giving end of rejection, I think both yours and Gaeta's responses works. If you know right away that she is not for you than don't pursue any further. I was referring more to when you meet someone, when they are nice, they present well, you have a few things in common, when you have no reasons to not like her than explore it a little further. The risk is in waiting for a spark. That's dangerous. I felt a spark on our 4th or 5th date. I spent 3,5 years online and met close to 200 men. I discarded them by the dozen, too fat, too skinny, don't like his little hands, name it. The truth was that deep down I was not ready to invest myself in 1 man. The day I got ready to really invest myself I used patience and stopped looking for an instant spark...and that's when I finally met.
mortensorchid Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 Nowadays, I think one knows after one encounter if the person is for them or not. And I've had a lot of internet dates (and otherwise) in my lifetime, some of them were average / unremarkable / nothing to write home about, some were disasters, some were nice. And one I had was like trying to pull teeth to get some kind of conversation out of him, he was either intimidated or insecure or not that bright to begin with. I said to him at the end of it "Well, I have someplace I've got to be tonight so I am going to call it a night. I doubt very much we are going to be seeing or talking to each other again after tonight." He said "No, we won't." I said "You and I are not right for each other." He said "Not by a long shot." We shook hands and then that was that. It's what it is. But now I know almost immediately if they are not going to follow up, which they never do 99% of the time. If I have not heard from them within 48 hours after the first get together (and it must be a phone call not a text), I will not hear from him again and it's done. Harsh? Maybe, but ... It's been proven to me over and over as truth. 1
Author Zeo828 Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) Well one issue that I have is guilt. Sometimes, there is nothing wrong with the woman, it's just I'm not interested because I don't feel a connection. And then to hear from friends that I should "give it more time" and "what do you want?" etc... it makes me feel like I'm screwing up. I mean how much time do I give? LOl But attraction and chemistry is not rocket science. I know connection when I feel it, I've been there. But sometimes you have that doubt.... like maybe I'm the one screwing up. But when you are not looking forward to a 2nd or 3rd date is it really worth it for both parties? So I'm tired of this pressure I sometimes give myself to "give it a chance" when deep down I want to move on. I recently went on 2 dates with a woman I met online. They were bland and just OK. The dates were also cordial and there was no flirting involved. The woman was nice, but physically she wasn't my type. So what?.... Do I continue seeing her?.. will her look suddenly change?...will our conversations become amazing and engaging?.... or will I just prologue things and confuse the poor woman. I'm very sensitive to the other person's feelings and hate to lead anyone on. We all know how we want to feel. If we don't feel that feeling of excitement, or interest, then why keep going? Edited September 22, 2016 by Zeo828
Ami1uwant Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 My rules.... Generally give it 3 dates. If prior to this time you find nonnegotiable difference then you should move on such as wanting kids. What you should not do is bl9w 9ff s9mehie after the first date because you didn't feel something in your belly. There are numerous examples of successful marriages that would have been first date failures. The reason they succeeded was because they found good qualities in them so they stayed and dated and then lateR started to develop feelings.
Author Zeo828 Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) Well I just realized something. This may sound shallow, please forgive me, but I think that if the physical attraction is not there in the first place, then it will not work. Right? However, if the physical attraction is there then I'd be open to several dates to see if there is compatibility. They always say that the first step is physical attraction. I think with my situation, I was not physically attracted to the woman, and the lukewarm dates just added to the disconnection. And this is the issue I have with online dating. People look different in person. For whatever reason, I was not attracted to her. And I think that's a big deal. And physical attraction is different for everyone,. I have been attracted to women who my male friends didn't think was attractive. So it's very subjective. Edited September 22, 2016 by Zeo828
five2nine Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I think 2-3 dates is a generous amount and more than enough time to know. Really after 1-2 you're going to know if you have any interest in this person 1
Author Zeo828 Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 five2nine, I can't help but agree. OF course everyone is different, but I have to generally agree.
Shanex Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I disagree with your friends. I knew after the first date whether I was romantically interested or not. You are attracted what you are attracted to, and if you are not feeling any kind of connection by the 2nd or 3rd date then there is no point. I have tried the "Give it some time" method and I ended up hurting the person because they were falling for me. Same here, even guys ought to know after a first date if they are interested or not. The date can be anything, a walk, a drink or both and its enough to realize if you're going to be a match. I've been on date #2 after a good first date, second date didn't go too well and we ghosted on each other so to speak, just the exception to the rule. Sometimes you have hopes, the virtual communication goes well and it doesn't work the way you had hoped IRL.
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 Same here, even guys ought to know after a first date if they are interested or not. The date can be anything, a walk, a drink or both and its enough to realize if you're going to be a match. I've been on date #2 after a good first date, second date didn't go too well and we ghosted on each other so to speak, just the exception to the rule. Sometimes you have hopes, the virtual communication goes well and it doesn't work the way you had hoped IRL. As per your theory you should have had an amazing second date because right on the first date you know with a certainty if you are a match. So, no one knows. You can have a so-so first date and an amazing 2nd one.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) Ya there were a few guys that were relentless/kept asking me out.....all it did was piss me off. Yeah, I recall a woman, no joke...hadn't seen in her a while at Meetup...she shows up with a new boyfriend. She told me "Yeah, he asked me out like 4 times before I said yes." I was like "Really? So there IS something about to this persistence, is there?!" I dunno, but I've heard similar stories like her's where men had, given the right delivery...esp. if they see said woman on a routinely basis, will space apart their "asking out a woman" so long between intervals, mixing it with humor and light-heartedness. When people here these occurences, they attempt to follow the same technique of "being persistent" as remarked by their friends because I hear women saying, "You give up to easily" to this one guy...apparently, the # of phone calls a woman gets is "how much effort a man is willing to put forth" as a gauge to how worthy he is of HER....this is some of these ladies' philosophy. Apparently, if he gives up after one phone call, he's not worthy because he didn't "make an effort." Edited September 22, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst
Shanex Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) As per your theory you should have had an amazing second date because right on the first date you know with a certainty if you are a match. So, no one knows. You can have a so-so first date and an amazing 2nd one. That was quite some years back (that story) I date differently now. Usually chat quite a bit for a number of days, or even a week. See if we have things in common and shared interests, geographical proximity too. Attractiveness and personality. Over the last year I've had more success dating that way, live and learn. My main issue is I live rural and there aren't many women around where I'm at. Edited September 22, 2016 by Shanex
Bialy Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 Heh. Off-Topic, but I initially I thought this thread title was, "How many dates until you give it up?" -------- On Topic: When I was in my 20's, I was so quick to drop guys after one date. Even guys that I had really good time with. That was mostly because I was still emotionally interested in my on-again, off-again boyfriend. Now, at 34, I know that a first date can only tell so much. So, if I have a nice time, but there aren't any fireworks, on a first date, I'll see a guy for a second date, just to be sure. Maybe even third date. But I do need to think he's cute and fun/a conversationalist, at the very least. 1
normal person Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 You know yourself better than anyone. Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" feel. People tell me I'm too picky. Personally, I'd rather be too picky than be like them: with the wrong person, living a compromised life, and unhappy. Trust your intuition.
campeo Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 You know yourself better than anyone. Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" feel. People tell me I'm too picky. Personally, I'd rather be too picky than be like them: with the wrong person, living a compromised life, and unhappy. Trust your intuition. How many times has your intuition been wrong? Most people have met their dream boy/girl several times over, had a fiery few weeks of dating and it ends in ice. Your initial intuition is a terrible predictor. No one is suggesting to keep dating someone for months and months when you don't feel it is right. Rather, if you had a good time, have some things in common and would enjoy spending time with them again even if you only perceived it as pleasant, give it a few weeks / dates. While doing that, look for the good in the other person rather than search for reasons to dislike them.
normal person Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 How many times has your intuition been wrong? Most people have met their dream boy/girl several times over, had a fiery few weeks of dating and it ends in ice. Your initial intuition is a terrible predictor. No one is suggesting to keep dating someone for months and months when you don't feel it is right. Rather, if you had a good time, have some things in common and would enjoy spending time with them again even if you only perceived it as pleasant, give it a few weeks / dates. While doing that, look for the good in the other person rather than search for reasons to dislike them. Is it crazy to think my intuition about people I feel very very strongly about is always right? I've met a few dream girls in my days, all I still think very highly of. None fell out of favor to me because my intuition about their personalities and our chemistry was wrong -- it went wrong because of things I messed up, or because of circumstantial reasons (ex boyfriend comes back in the picture, has to move to other side of country for new job, etc). Those are things are out of the realm of intuition. I still remember the girls very fondly. I think mine is fine, but looking around, I can really see why you'd think a lot of other peoples' shouldn't be trusted.
Buddhist Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 (edited) I don't date at all, I wait until the right one just comes along. I met the last one minding my own business and ended up in a relationship 2 months later. When they're the right person you'll meet them somewhere, somehow. Dating is just a way to meet a lot of people who aren't right for you. I don't bother with that. Of course I'm happy being single for long stretches hence I don't feel the need to 'do something' about my single status. Single is great it means you're available when the right one turns up. Timing is always perfect. Edited September 23, 2016 by Buddhist
Toodaloo Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Next time your friends tell you that you give up too easily tell them that you are being kind. Nothing worse than being strung along by someone who isn't interested. So you haven't met anyone that whets your whistle yet. Eventually you will. So I disagree with your friends. if you are not interested then just do as you have been and move on.
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