On a "break" after being together 3 years

[Blastoplast]

I'm at a loss for words after my girlfriend dropped the news on me Monday night that she needs a break to "figure her **** out". This is a term I've heard her use before, but this time she really means it.

 

We're both in our early 30s, and both have stable jobs and everything has been honestly great, the best relationship I've ever been in by far. But I'm starting to worry that maybe I've been dragging my feet on marriage and that maybe I haven't been open enough about my feelings towards her.

 

The night before she told me the news she visited her friend who is dying of cancer, and I think she's really overwhelmed with everything. She's living at her parents cottage, and not on her own or together with me, and I think seeing her friend dying is making her question her purpose in life and she's been really obsessed with this idea of long-term goals. She even eloquently stated that while I'm perfect and we've been really great together, that she feels like the last 3 years together she hasn't done anything to advance her life goals (family, children, and whatever else her goals are).

 

Another thing she mentioned is that early in college she was seeing a Psychiatrist, and that she's considering seeing one again (something she never disclosed to me, seeing a shrink). She's also really been worried about her weight lately, exercising like crazy, but then binge eating afterwards. I've always re-assured her how she shouldn't worry about her weight, that's she's beautiful the way she is, but I think she might have some serious deep-seeded self-image/esteem issues.

 

We were both breaking down crying during all this, I don't think this is something either of us want. I was a little cold when she was talking to me, but I never said anything venomous, I did say I can't wait forever for her to figure her **** out, and that I would literally do anything for her.

 

I was planning on proposing next spring, and I want to tell her how much she means to me, that I've been thinking about my long-term goals and they're to be a good father and husband to her, that I want to grow old with her and be by her side through the great times and not so great. How we should work together any issues she or WE might have so that we can make US work.

 

Sorry for the long-winded post, my head is still spinning about all this and this is completely different than any break or break-up I've had before because we were both sure that we were going to be together because we are so great together.

 

Just looking for thoughts or opinions. Thanks again, I was really hoping I wouldn't have to come back here in this section of the board

[Frozensushi]

I'm really sorry to hear about the ordeal you are going through. You came to the right place. Lots of amazing support here.

 

Something isn't working for her anymore, obviously. She could be detaching herself from the relationship as she sees no hope for the future and needs time to figure it out.

 

You should ask her how long she needs. Once that's established I'd go full NC until the time is up. Then I'd arrange a meeting with her to discuss the relationship and what went wrong.

 

I think NC would be beneficial if you want any chance to salvage the relationship. It will be extremely hard and painful, but it will give her a chance to miss you. It will also give you a chance to think about things.

[Blastoplast]

Thing is, nothing has gone wrong with us which is what makes me so confused. I've been in relationships in the past where the spark fizzles out, or my partner changes, or something just seems off in a week or two leading up to a break-up. This one just came out of left field.

 

Literally the night before she told me, we were at Yoga together and she came up to me afterwards gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the lips and told me cute I was (she does this a bit). Then afterwards when we made dinner it was like a light switch when she started talking about her dying friend. It's almost like she might be bi-polar I'm wondering.

 

I'm definitely open to doing NC, it's worked for me in the past when I wanted to end a relationship and start healing, but this is certainly one I don't want to end, and I have a gut feeling she really doesn't want to either.

[VeveCakes]

Is there anything else that suggests shes might be bi polar? A change of heart doesn't mean that....

 

I would talk to her with strict guidelines. Clarify the break. How long? Do you communicate during the break? Once the length is decided then have a set time to talk again and make a concrete decision on the relationship otherwise this can drag on for ever.

 

Sorry this has happened....I would be really frustrated if I didn't have an answer. Thats how my last bf dumped me and I still can't move on because he never gave me a reason why

[Blastoplast]

Well, sometimes she's almost overly happy or bubbly at times. Sometimes it feels like she's almost putting a front on, and then sometimes she's just more shut-down and depressed. Combine this with low self-image, abnormal sleep patterns, and the grief of seeing your best friend wither away from cancer makes me think that there might be some underlying psychological issue. She did briefly mention seeing a psychologist to get some help. I don't know if these are tell-tale signs, but they seem to point to SOMETHING (in my opinion).

[Blastoplast]

I forgot to mention, she asked me flat-out during our conversation if I would marry her right now, without hesitation I looked at her and said yes -- so I don't know if that tidbit matters, but it happened.

[Frozensushi]

I forgot to mention, she asked me flat-out during our conversation if I would marry her right now, without hesitation I looked at her and said yes -- so I don't know if that tidbit matters, but it happened.

 

Yeah, that's pretty big. It sounds like you are commitment-phobic and she's using the old "I need a break" line to manipulating you to get what she wants. Engagement pressure can be hard for anyone. Do you want to marry this woman?

 

She might have a little BP going on unless she's trying to mask her sadness. Then it might be depression. The two are very similar. Those mood swings are a sign of something, though. I'm no doctor so please don't take that opinion as a diagnosis.

[Blastoplast]

Yeah, that's pretty big. It sounds like you are commitment-phobic and she's using the old "I need a break" line to manipulating you to get what she wants. Engagement pressure can be hard for anyone. Do you want to marry this woman?

 

She might have a little BP going on unless she's trying to mask her sadness. Then it might be depression. The two are very similar. Those mood swings are a sign of something, though. I'm no doctor so please don't take that opinion as a diagnosis.

 

1. Absolutely yes, without a doubt. And yes, I may be a little commitment-phobic, I was crushed by a 7-year relationship that ended in heartbreak.

 

2. I'm not either, it's just some observations I've made about her behavior that have made me start to think about what's really going on in her head.

 

I'm thinking that her biological clock is ticking as she approaches 32...

[aloneinaz]

I'm not an advocate of relationships taking "a break". I think it's cowardly and a cop out. I'd much rather my partner be an adult, sit me down and air out concerns, grievances or simply say it's not working anymore.

 

You want to look more attractive and in command? Call her on the phone (don't text) and tell her you've thought about it further and think it's best you simply end the R/S. You've let her know that you'd marry her and she's still play this BS game of needing a break. Be firm and when she understands you're serious, let her know you wish her luck and tell her to take care.

 

I have NO PATIENCE for that childish rubbish. If a girl I loved and was considering marrying told me she "needed a break", she'd get one and it would be a lifelong one.

 

My 2 cents.

[lolablue17]

If you already told her you want to marry her, she knows it and still wants a break, well, all you can do is establish the rules of this break.

 

She may feel overwhelmed with the background of her dying friend (As you mentioned), so it's legitimate to take a few days to stop everything and to think about all her life, while knowing that you are ready for marriage.

 

BUT!!!! There's no need for more than a few days. You can tell her that it's alright to think, but if she's planning to think for a longer time, than it's not a break, but a break up.

 

It's not as if you make pressure on her or making an ultimatum. It's just scaling the right definitions for every step she takes. A week (maximum) = break. Longer period = break up. A break means you're still together, just giving space. A break up means no more commitment, have a nice life, moving on, bye bye.

 

I advice you not to let her drag you into this for a long time. If she chooses the break up, it means she chooses to gamble. This is your value in her eyes, Someone that she can risk on the roulette table.

[Blastoplast]

So I reached out to her via text, this is how our convo went:

 

Me: Are you open Saturday? I think we should see each other and have a talk.

 

Her: Yes, my parents are here and have projects, but besides that no set plans:

Her: How are you?

 

Me: I have a lot on my mind, but all things considered, I'm doing ok

 

Her: Ok

 

Me: What time can we plan on?

 

Her: I think there is a park clean up early morning, do you want to do midday? Or?

Her: And I can meet you wherever

 

Me: Midday would be fine, maybe we could just meet somewhere and go for a ride? Is that ok with you?

 

Her: Sure

Her: I can come out by you too if that's easier

 

Me: I'm going to be out by you anyways, I'll talk to you then.

 

Her: Ok

 

Sounds like she's being cold and distant maybe, is she just trying to keep her cards close to her chest?

[lolablue17]

Good that you didn't try to talk to her by texts, only face 2 face.

 

I don't know man. I had some relationships that sometimes had to be discussed by texts or mails. All I remember is tons of misunderstanding, she always seemed cold, she said I am cold... texts don't reflect the real "what's going on".

 

Just wait for the meeting.

[Blastoplast]

Yeah exactly. Even a phone call seems like a cop-out to me. It's really hard to tell how she's feeling through here, we both came across as very formal, but I'm honestly feeling optimistic, although very anxious about tomorrow.

 

I'm going to lay out on the line how much I love her, how I want to build a life together with her, how we should work through any problems we have because relationships aren't always easy. It's a bit much, but she needs to hear it and if she's not receptive then I need to move on. I feel like I want to give her a little bit of time to digest this, but like you said, I can't let this drag on. If she doesn't picture herself with me for one reason or another, just end it so I can move on and start healing.

 

Hopefully positive updates to follow next

[lolablue17]

Let me give you an advice. You mentioned what you want to tell her tomorrow. Instead of "telling her" why don't you listen. She may need some time in the meeting to open up. Give her that.

 

Don't push information, don't talk about yourself, don't ask her questions that need heavy answers. Just be there. Be nice, fun to be with, and let things happen by themselves. Take a decision, not to tell her anything you plan to say in the first 1-1.5 hours. I'd even suggest that you tell her everythin only towards the end of the meeting.

[Chi townD]

One thing you have to learn dude. When a girl makes up her mind on something, even if they're wrong, 9 times out of 10, they will stand my their decision. Do not go there with a lot of hope. All you're doing is filling yourself up with a lot of false hope.

 

Personally, if it were me, I would just cancel the meeting and start moving forward with your life.

[Blastoplast]

I feel like backing out is cowardice. I have to let her know how I feel, if it doesn't work out I'll still feel the same I do now, I literally have nothing to lose.

[Chi townD]

I feel like backing out is cowardice. I have to let her know how I feel, if it doesn't work out I'll still feel the same I do now, I literally have nothing to lose.

 

So, what's the point of this meet up? Are you looking for "closure". Because, closure meet up's are a joke. All you get from those is what YOU did or didn't do that caused the demise of the relationship. All you do is give them an opportunity to ease their guilt and justify the reasons for leaving you. And a lot of times you either leave feeling better because you have this false sense of closure, but a few days later to start to over analyze what she said. Or you leave feeling worse.

 

Not worth your time.

[frigginlost]

One thing you have to learn dude. When a girl makes up her mind on something, even if they're wrong, 9 times out of 10, they will stand my their decision. Do not go there with a lot of hope. All you're doing is filling yourself up with a lot of false hope.

 

Personally, if it were me, I would just cancel the meeting and start moving forward with your life.

 

Since you already have it set up, I'm going to say go, but I'm going to agree with Chi here. Do not go there with any false hope. She sounds as if she has detached and Chi is right on the money. When a female has made up her mind regardless if right or wrong, they will stand by it. It is not until later on down the road that if it was a wrong choice that you will hear about it....

 

Stay strong, bud. I hate to say it, but I'd be prepared for the "I'm thinking friends right now" speech.

 

Be prepared to go complete and total No Contact.

[aloneinaz]

I feel like backing out is cowardice. I have to let her know how I feel, if it doesn't work out I'll still feel the same I do now, I literally have nothing to lose.

 

But, isn't what you're doing a bit cowardice? Seriously? You're going to beg this girl to stick it out with you by spilling your guts and telling her how awesome she is, how much she means to you and how much you love her?

 

Seriously, if you have to "convince" this girl to stick it out with you, the relationship is already over. Actually, it was over when she said she wanted a break.

[Blastoplast]

Look, earlier you said this:

 

"I'd much rather my partner be an adult, sit me down and air out concerns, grievances or simply say it's not working anymore."

 

What about my grievances or concerns that I didn't voice when we talked a few days ago? I was in such shock I didn't have a chance to say anything.

 

Then this:

 

"You want to look more attractive and in command? Call her on the phone (don't text) and tell her you've thought about it further and think it's best you simply end the R/S."

I'd rather do this face-to-face, a phone call is so impersonal for something so important. I know she wants to marry me, and I to her, so I need to figure out what the hell is going on. If it doesn't work out, then it's over, simple as that.

[aloneinaz]

Look, earlier you said this:

 

"I'd much rather my partner be an adult, sit me down and air out concerns, grievances or simply say it's not working anymore."

 

What about my grievances or concerns that I didn't voice when we talked a few days ago? I was in such shock I didn't have a chance to say anything.

 

Then this:

 

"You want to look more attractive and in command? Call her on the phone (don't text) and tell her you've thought about it further and think it's best you simply end the R/S."

I'd rather do this face-to-face, a phone call is so impersonal for something so important. I know she wants to marry me, and I to her, so I need to figure out what the hell is going on. If it doesn't work out, then it's over, simple as that.

 

My friend, myself and the other veterans are only offering advice. We are suggesting that when someone in a relationship says they need a "break", that it's a dire warning that they are not seeing/feeling long term potential and have major doubts. They are at the point of saying I'm done but I'll let you stroke my ego to potentially continue on. If it's reached that point for her, you're left in a bad position of having to sell or convince her that you're worth keeping around.

 

So, she agrees to meet and continue in the relationship. Is she going to tell you she needs another "break" next time she's mad or frustrated? Are you setting a precedent to always have to appease her and meet her demands?

 

My position is I would never accept being told that. The vast majority of times someone wants a "break" it means they really want to break up. They saying to me "I can go either way" (break up or MAYBE try again). I'm personally too proud a person to want to have to convince someone to want to continue on in a relationship with me. If they've reached that point, then I'm not what they want or I'm not providing what they need and they need to find someone else.

 

So, my choice would be to say to her "it's over then" when she asked for a break. I'm not going to EVER sell, beg or convince someone to stay with me. Ever.. If I made mistakes with that person, I'll try not to repeat them in my next R/S.

 

I just know there are FAR too many people out there that would NEVER tell me they want a break to ever accept it from anyone.

 

I wish you luck in your conversation, I really do. I'm just providing a different view point to how you're handling it. I'm also not suggesting that I'm right, but rather, how me and many others would handle it.

[lolablue17]

Is she going to tell you she needs another "break" next time she's mad or frustrated? Are you setting a precedent to always have to appease her and meet her demands?

 

It's a possible scenario, but it's not the only possibility. The current situation is complicated, due to her visiting a dying friend, due to her age and this point in the relationship, in which he admitted he drag her without proposing, which made her question his intention toward her.

 

It's not the case of a wayward gf who uses him to for her own drama. They are two adults, and it Ok to talk about things. The fear of being rejected is not the only emotion he should consider. If he decides to cancel the meeting with her and to move on, he'll probably find it very hard to move on, knowing he didn't make any effort to save the R.

 

If she rejects him (By breaking up, or by trying to drag the break for an unlimited time), it will hurt him of course, but it will also give him the leverage and strength to seal the past, and to move forward faster.

[Blastoplast]

And I totally respect and understand your point of view, and your advice is what I would do 95% of the time, that breaking it off and NC is the best plan of action. I'm glad I get to hear differing points of view, since so many people on here come from many walks of life, and it offers plenty of valid insight.

 

That said, I genuinely feel this is the right path for me right now, it just feels different this time. My mother gave my father a "break" over 35 years ago, basically giving him the ultimatum for marriage or she's gone, and they're still happily married to this day (their break apparently lasted less than a week). So maybe this gives me a shred of hope, even if it's false hope. I feel like I need to follow-up and see what's really going on here. I don't want to have any regrets with this because I truly feel this is the woman I want and need to be with.

[Alexlexus]

I forgot to mention, she asked me flat-out during our conversation if I would marry her right now, without hesitation I looked at her and said yes -- so I don't know if that tidbit matters, but it happened.

 

the exact same thing happened to me!! wow you are going through the same issue as myself so i will be reading this thread until you get an update. im sorry you are dealing with this. I am sosry i am dealing with that as well.

[Blanco]

I think "best-case" scenario here is you convince her to give the relationship another shot and then in a few weeks/months/years when things get tough again, she'll detach and end it.

 

When life is happening, be it the loss of a job or the illness of a loved one, those are the times when we should be there for our partner or want to be with them. Even if they're frazzled emotionally, they should want to seek some stability and comfort with the person they're choosing to share their life with. I think it's telling that she is not doing that. Rather than leaning on you for support, she is pulling away.

 

I just think that at your age, breaks and breakups shouldn't be put out there lightly. They aren't bargaining tools or a call to arms for the other person to step up and prove their love for their partner. In other words, suggesting a break or a breakup shouldn't be done unless that person is ready to let go of that person and never be with them again.

 

You shouldn't have to sell yourself to her, especially when she already knows you would marry her. To me, that says you've put your cards on the table and she's still willing to to walk away.

 

Maybe you can sell her, but it will be a temporary thing. It's like walking into a clothing store and having the sales associate sell you on a sweater you're iffy on. Sure, they may pitch it well and you walk out of the store with it. But within a couple days or weeks, you realize you really just don't like it after all and the only reason you really got it was because you went for the sales pitch.