Two months dating - being stupid?

[aerofine]

I split up with my ex in May (4 year relationship that had ended long before he left my house) and started seeing a guy in July. I’m 34, as is he, and this is the first time I have ‘dated’ properly in 10 years.

 

We had been dating 3 weeks before he booked for us to go on holiday to Turkey, which was brilliant. We had such a great time, and we have been totally at ease with each other and comfortable. We have told each other that we like each other, a lot, and he even said before we went on holiday that this could be something special.

 

However, I think I have made myself paranoid and I’m looking for someone to give me a slap to knock myself out of how I am currently feeling!

 

Since we got back from holiday, I have only seen him once (we got back on 13 September). He works shifts (6 days on 4 days off) so that isn’t so much the big deal. The ‘big deal’ is the dreaded over-reading into text messages. Before we went away he was texting me that he missed me, how amazing he thought I was, how much he liked me etc etc. Since we have got back, it has been me sending those kinds of texts. He has told me that I am sexy via text, but something seems to have changed. He seems to have stopped with the romantic/fuzzy feeling texts.

 

He spent the night two nights ago, and everything was fine, we had fun, watched a film and fell asleep together. I don’t think I will see him now for a week with his work pattern. He has also got a lot on at the moment – he isn’t sleeping well as he is worried about different work things, and I am wondering if he is just distracted or disconnected.

 

I hope I haven’t done anything to make him think differently. He did tell me whilst on holiday that his last GF really wounded him and that he is more on guard now. It feels that since he told me that, he has become more on guard of how he is with me (emotionally).

 

He is still texting me loads every day, checking in with me, chatting, phone calls (not every day) and saying goodnight. But I can’t shake this feeling that he feels differently. I know I shouldn’t but I am linking back to what happened with my ex and how he ended up treating me.

 

Can someone please give me some advice or a big slap!

Edited September 22, 2016 by aerofine

[Hopeful30]

Your gut is usually right, but don't assume he feels differently because of something you did or didn't do. It's possible that he revealed his past experiences so you can be more aware of where he's at and what he is dealing with.

 

It seems to me like he wants to maintain the relationship but wants a bit of space, perhaps not to spoil where things are going. A holiday after only a few weeks is very fast, maybe he's trying not to rush it anymore.

 

It's also possible the honeymoon phase has finished for him, while for you it's still going on. Focus on yourself at the moment and take him being away as an opportunity to spoil yourself and work on things you feel need work (job, emotionally, physically etc).

[aerofine]

Your gut is usually right, but don't assume he feels differently because of something you did or didn't do. It's possible that he revealed his past experiences so you can be more aware of where he's at and what he is dealing with.

 

It seems to me like he wants to maintain the relationship but wants a bit of space, perhaps not to spoil where things are going. A holiday after only a few weeks is very fast, maybe he's trying not to rush it anymore.

 

It's also possible the honeymoon phase has finished for him, while for you it's still going on. Focus on yourself at the moment and take him being away as an opportunity to spoil yourself and work on things you feel need work (job, emotionally, physically etc).

 

Should I speak with him?

 

Should I cool the 'feelings' texts - such as telling him I like him and that I'm looking forward to seeing him or telling him I think he's great?

 

We went on holiday after 8 weeks of dating. We have now been seeing each other over two months.

[Toodaloo]

You are falling into the old trap of chasing him instead of him chasing you.

 

Quit sending the "miss you" and slopping texts. Instead make them more upbeat and fun!

 

"Hey I am at the pub and they have this rocking band on - why are you not here?!"

 

or

 

"I just got this wowcher through for Alpaca walking - lets go!"

 

Let him chase you... You are the prize. Don't stop having or being fun just because its getting a bit more secure now. Keep being you! Go out with your girlfriends, go to those yoga classes or what ever it is you used to do before he appeared. Go do all of that and let him come to you!

[aerofine]

You are falling into the old trap of chasing him instead of him chasing you.

 

Quit sending the "miss you" and slopping texts. Instead make them more upbeat and fun!

 

"Hey I am at the pub and they have this rocking band on - why are you not here?!"

 

or

 

"I just got this wowcher through for Alpaca walking - lets go!"

 

Let him chase you... You are the prize. Don't stop having or being fun just because its getting a bit more secure now. Keep being you! Go out with your girlfriends, go to those yoga classes or what ever it is you used to do before he appeared. Go do all of that and let him come to you!

 

Should I speak to him?

[Toodaloo]

Should I speak to him?

 

Yes!

 

Just be "normal" and quit all the "I love you and miss you" stuff out. Be fun and happy. Don't make a drama out of it just be normal and let him come to his senses!

[aerofine]

Yes!

 

Just be "normal" and quit all the "I love you and miss you" stuff out. Be fun and happy. Don't make a drama out of it just be normal and let him come to his senses!

 

To be fair, I am being normal. I haven't told him that I love him, as I don't feel quite there yet. I'm enjoying being with him though. The week away together was fantastic.

 

I also haven't said that I miss him. I've sent nice texts, such as 'I had an amazing time last night' etc but nothing more.

 

So, you are saying that I should talk to him to see if we are still on the same page? If he tells me he needs space, that's cool. I just don't want to start talking to him if it would be better to leave him alone, in others opinion.

[Kamille]

To be fair, I am being normal. I haven't told him that

 

So, you are saying that I should talk to him to see if we are still on the same page? If he tells me he needs space, that's cool. I just don't want to start talking to him if it would be better to leave him alone, in others opinion.

 

No! Don't talk to him! He has the responsibility of figuring himself out. If there is an issue (you're not even sure there is one), it's his responsibility to bring it up. Right now you don't even know for sure that there is an issue. So what would you talk to him about? What need of yours isn't being met?

 

The only reason you want to talk to him is because you're anxious. Try to have faith that no matter what happens, you can handle it.

 

Cope with the anxiety differently. Do something fun that has nothing to do with him. Focus on other things. Connect with friends.

[aerofine]

No! Don't talk to him! He has the responsibility of figuring himself out. If there is an issue (you're not even sure there is one), it's his responsibility to bring it up. Right now you don't even know for sure that there is an issue. So what would you talk to him about? What need of yours isn't being met?

 

The only reason you want to talk to him is because you're anxious. Try to have faith that no matter what happens, you can handle it.

 

Cope with the anxiety differently. Do something fun that has nothing to do with him. Focus on other things. Connect with friends.

 

Yes, basically I am anxious. When we were together on Tuesday night, everything was fine, and we laughed and had fun. It's when we are apart that he seems a bit disconnected, even though he is still texting me a lot. Like I said, he has got quite a few work worries at the moment, and he's barely sleeping, so I'm wondering if that is the cause.

[joyful]

Yes, basically I am anxious. When we were together on Tuesday night, everything was fine, and we laughed and had fun. It's when we are apart that he seems a bit disconnected, even though he is still texting me a lot. Like I said, he has got quite a few work worries at the moment, and he's barely sleeping, so I'm wondering if that is the cause.

 

your relationship is new. you are in that early, hormonally doped up stage of falling for someone, so of course you want to make sure that all is going well and that he is going to keep being there.

 

so far all of the posts in response to yours have recommended relaxing and focusing on yourself. but you keep coming back with wanting to talk to him and scrutinize his every mood and move. please don't do this. being overly anxious and preoccupied with someone so early on actually ruins relationships that are just starting. it is not fun for either people, and the relationship does not have legs to withstand the loss of fun just yet!

 

so please try to get a grip on your own anxiety. and try to focus on your self and life, and be a happy fulfilled person this guy will want to keep reaching for.

[Kamille]

Yes, basically I am anxious. When we were together on Tuesday night, everything was fine, and we laughed and had fun. It's when we are apart that he seems a bit disconnected, even though he is still texting me a lot. Like I said, he has got quite a few work worries at the moment, and he's barely sleeping, so I'm wondering if that is the cause.

 

It very likely is. Let it be for now. Don't add another layer to his worry by having what sounds like a premature talk about the relationship.

[Gaeta]

Step back a little and look at it for what it really is.

 

You met him and already on a trip 3 weeks later when you should have been going to your 4th date. You skipped to many steps to find yourself in a too intimate situation (trip together).

 

During that trip he realized it was too much too fast, he expressed it to you with I was hurt and wish to take my time. That is a big push.

 

Finally you are back from that trip and in 10 days he didn't find time to see you. This solidifies my theory too much too fast and a push on his part.

 

He is texting you every day because he enjoys the companionship you bring through a media but he is not ready to jump back in this relationship.

 

In my opinion his actions speak loudly and you don't need to have a conversation with him. What would this conversation be about? How he can't find time for you? how he has changed? You know all that already. You don't need him to confirm anything to you. And what else could you possibly talk about? You can't convince him to spend time with you, you can't convince him to invest himself further.

 

My suggestion is to not do anything. If he fades let him fade.

[aerofine]

Step back a little and look at it for what it really is.

 

You met him and already on a trip 3 weeks later when you should have been going to your 4th date. You skipped to many steps to find yourself in a too intimate situation (trip together).

 

During that trip he realized it was too much too fast, he expressed it to you with I was hurt and wish to take my time. That is a big push.

 

Finally you are back from that trip and in 10 days he didn't find time to see you. This solidifies my theory too much too fast and a push on his part.

 

He is texting you every day because he enjoys the companionship you bring through a media but he is not ready to jump back in this relationship.

 

In my opinion his actions speak loudly and you don't need to have a conversation with him. What would this conversation be about? How he can't find time for you? how he has changed? You know all that already. You don't need him to confirm anything to you. And what else could you possibly talk about? You can't convince him to spend time with you, you can't convince him to invest himself further.

 

My suggestion is to not do anything. If he fades let him fade.

 

Sorry, I don't know if I made myself clear or not. We dated for three weeks, then HE booked the holiday. It was then 5 weeks after that that we actually went away, so just as we had been dating for two months. It was he who initiated the trip, who asked me to go, who booked it and paid for it. We had a brilliant time together.

 

He has only seen me once in the week we have been back from holiday as he works six days a week. He is now into his next six day shift pattern and won;t be free until next Wednesday when he is next off. We saw each other on Tuesday night, he came for dinner and spent the night.

 

I appreciate your comments, but I think you haven't understood my position or his.

[Gaeta]

It's not because the number if weeks changes that my theory isn't applicable.

 

I got hurt and want to take my time is a push no matter of how many weeks you have dated.

 

It's a text book statement for emotionally unavailable people.

[Toodaloo]

However, I think I have made myself paranoid and I’m looking for someone to give me a slap to knock myself out of how I am currently feeling!

 

The ‘big deal’ is the dreaded over-reading into text messages. Before we went away he was texting me that he missed me, how amazing he thought I was, how much he liked me etc etc. Since we have got back, it has been me sending those kinds of texts. He has told me that I am sexy via text, but something seems to have changed. He seems to have stopped with the romantic/fuzzy feeling texts.

 

He has also got a lot on at the moment – he isn’t sleeping well as he is worried about different work things, and I am wondering if he is just distracted or disconnected.

 

Let me make this perfectly clear. I am going to be very blunt.

 

This is a very new relationship right?

 

You were having lots of fun before you both went away right?

 

Now you are back you are feeling insecure and there has been a slight "shift" in the relationship. Right?

 

Here is what happened. You got needy. You don't realise it but you have. Something in you decided you want this guy and you have strong feelings for this guy and you went to mush.

 

He gets back, has a bucket load of work to do, loads of catching up with friends as well as work and a new girlfriend who is being all needy and not so much fun. Add it all together and its a load of stress that he doesn't see the point in.

 

So how do you resolve it before it gets out of hand. Shift it back to light and fun! Simples. Don't get heavy. Miss the odd "good night" text every now and then. Let him come to you. Go out enjoy spending time with your friends, keep your life going. Keep relaxed and light hearted and fun.

 

If you go having the "relationship" talk with him right now he is going to run for the hills screaming for his mother to save him. Its too much. Its too deep. Its shackling him before he even really knows what he is getting shackled to.

 

Relax. Have fun. Be yourself and just take a step back. Let him come to you. Quit the "needy" bit, with some subtle reminders that you are great fun to be around and he probably will come running to you.

[aerofine]

Let me make this perfectly clear. I am going to be very blunt.

 

This is a very new relationship right?

 

You were having lots of fun before you both went away right?

 

Now you are back you are feeling insecure and there has been a slight "shift" in the relationship. Right?

 

Here is what happened. You got needy. You don't realise it but you have. Something in you decided you want this guy and you have strong feelings for this guy and you went to mush.

 

He gets back, has a bucket load of work to do, loads of catching up with friends as well as work and a new girlfriend who is being all needy and not so much fun. Add it all together and its a load of stress that he doesn't see the point in.

 

So how do you resolve it before it gets out of hand. Shift it back to light and fun! Simples. Don't get heavy. Miss the odd "good night" text every now and then. Let him come to you. Go out enjoy spending time with your friends, keep your life going. Keep relaxed and light hearted and fun.

 

If you go having the "relationship" talk with him right now he is going to run for the hills screaming for his mother to save him. Its too much. Its too deep. Its shackling him before he even really knows what he is getting shackled to.

 

Relax. Have fun. Be yourself and just take a step back. Let him come to you. Quit the "needy" bit, with some subtle reminders that you are great fun to be around and he probably will come running to you.

 

Thank you, this is what I plan to do

[Toodaloo]

Thank you, this is what I plan to do

 

Good. Now stop stressing and relax.

 

You had fun, he now has to work for a bit so just let him get on with it. You go do your thing whatever that is and be happy, relaxed and fun when he is able to see you.

[stillafool]

To be fair, I am being normal. I haven't told him that I love him, as I don't feel quite there yet.

 

Somehow I don't believe you on this or you wouldn't be making this thread. You are being needy and no one can keep up the 'lovey dovey' talk 24/7. That is what a teenage girl would expect.

[Gaeta]

If you go having the "relationship" talk with him right now he is going to run for the hills screaming for his mother to save him. Its too much. Its too deep. Its shackling him before he even really knows what he is getting shackled to.

 

Which is not normal after 2 months dating including a trip together. If a relationship talk scares him than let him run. On average couples establish exclusivity after ONE month or 4-5 dates. This guy had 2 months. Men know within a month if she is it or not. If you think you will scare a man away after 2 months then better let him go, otherwise it will be 6 months and you'll still be afraid to scare him away.

 

Also, there is nothing wrong with having relationship needs. We are in relationships to satisfy a need !! A need for love, companionship, attention, kindness, and all that good stuff. Lets stop pretending it's not normal to have needs.

[katiegrl]

Let me make this perfectly clear. I am going to be very blunt.

 

This is a very new relationship right?

 

You were having lots of fun before you both went away right?

 

Now you are back you are feeling insecure and there has been a slight "shift" in the relationship. Right?

 

Here is what happened. You got needy. You don't realise it but you have. Something in you decided you want this guy and you have strong feelings for this guy and you went to mush.

 

He gets back, has a bucket load of work to do, loads of catching up with friends as well as work and a new girlfriend who is being all needy and not so much fun. Add it all together and its a load of stress that he doesn't see the point in.

 

So how do you resolve it before it gets out of hand. Shift it back to light and fun! Simples. Don't get heavy. Miss the odd "good night" text every now and then. Let him come to you. Go out enjoy spending time with your friends, keep your life going. Keep relaxed and light hearted and fun.

 

If you go having the "relationship" talk with him right now he is going to run for the hills screaming for his mother to save him. Its too much. Its too deep. Its shackling him before he even really knows what he is getting shackled to.

 

Relax. Have fun. Be yourself and just take a step back. Let him come to you. Quit the "needy" bit, with some subtle reminders that you are great fun to be around and he probably will come running to you.

 

This^ and nuff said!!!

[Nightwriter]

Sometimes when you are coming out of a long relationship, you want to get back to that place of intimacy and trust that you had with your ex as quickly as possible because you miss it (not the guy but the bonding) so you find yourself moving fast in the next relationship. But that place of intimacy takes time and can't be rushed. I don't know if that is what is happening here from either you or the guy or both, but just be careful not to lay your baggage from your previous relationship on this guy. May isn't that long of a time away for a 4 year relationship, but only you know if you're totally over it or not.

[Leigh 87]

Should I speak to him?[/quoteY

 

 

 

You should just be yourself. You should not have to pretend to act cool and calm and chill and casual; you should just go on about your daily life. If that means you are thinking of him a lot and miss him then it IS NOT too "needy for a man who is crazy about you.

[Leigh 87]

Which is not normal after 2 months dating including a trip together. If a relationship talk scares him than let him run. On average couples establish exclusivity after ONE month or 4-5 dates. This guy had 2 months. Men know within a month if she is it or not. If you think you will scare a man away after 2 months then better let him go, otherwise it will be 6 months and you'll still be afraid to scare him away.

 

Also, there is nothing wrong with having relationship needs. We are in relationships to satisfy a need !! A need for love, companionship, attention, kindness, and all that good stuff. Lets stop pretending it's not normal to have needs.

 

Yeah, after 8 weeks a guy should be head over heels for you; saying " I miss you" should be common practice. BOTH people should be super into each other.

 

Women who are desperate and over the top should perhaps refine their neediness and relationship skills, sure. But most of us CAN and SHOULD be able to act super into a guy, and have the guy respond, initiate and remain "hot" without going cold after 2 months.

 

After a few days fair enough. Things change. But after 2 months, the guy should be on cloud 9 and super into hear and be rapidly falling harder and in the full blown honeymoon phase.

 

Backing off within 3 months is a very bad sign.

[katiegrl]

My thoughts on having the "relationship talk."

 

I am not adverse to having, but don't have it while your guy is distancing himself from you and pulling away.

 

He will just keep moving in that direction.

 

Pull back yourself, allow him to miss you and wonder about you, and when he returns excited about you again cause you have allowed him the space he needed, THEN talk to him!

 

He will be much more open and receptive to what you have to say.

 

Ideally, the talk should occur when things are going well between you and you are both feeling good and secure.

 

Bringing it up while you feel uncertain, insecure and off balance will come off as a need for reassurance and insecurity.....rather than a need to define the relationship to foster trust and intimacy, the former of which may likely turn him off....

 

My $.02 FWIW!

Edited September 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[SoleMate]

Another possibility.....several months ago, he decided he wanted to go on a holiday to Turkey and wanted a GF to go with. He made that happen on a compressed timetable. The holiday happened and it was enjoyable. Both parties reveled in the trip and the new partner hormones.

 

Now he's back in his workaday life and doesn't "need" a companion like he did in Turkey. Sure, a companion is fine at times, but not something he's going to go out of his way for.

 

Based on this theory, it's not so much your specific behavior that has altered his, it's that this was the intended trajectory (at some level) all along. The only way you could have prevented the downward arc is not to have allowed the first, highspeed upward arc.

 

Just a possibility.