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"If things don't work out in the future, I still want you in my life." [updated]

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Just an idea. What is his dating history like? Maybe he's one of those people that are addicted to drama and he is not getting enough drama in this current relationship = bored.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Hmm... whenever I hear this, I assume it means that on some level, he senses things may not work out. There is confusion to this otherwise sure thought because I've said this myself in past relationships, but not because I was anticipating a pending breakup, but because I genuinely wanted this person to be in my life forever, no matter what happens (they no longer are anyways).

 

So I'm not sure if my current man is saying this for the same reasons (I am important to him) or because he feels things might not work out (well they might not, but making the comment...)

 

Have you ever said anything similarly? What were your reasons behind these kinds of comments? Were you anticipating that things wouldn't work out?

 

Thanks! :)

 

Whenever a guy said that to me, it was only a feeble attempt by him to cushion the spot where he was dumping me on the ground. It's meaningless. He wants you to help him to not have the sad feels over his not wanting you as his girlfriend. That's what that mess is.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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He already knows he prefers to be alone and not in a relationship. He does, however, get horny and lonely occasionally, so will seek out a woman for company and sex. He forewarns her with veiled/vague references so that when he does end it, he feels less guilty:

 

"I told her so but she decided to hang on until I eventually get tired of maintaining whatever little I do show her and eventually sabotage it in a way that makes her leave on her own. In the meantime, I'll tolerate her for my needs".

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Maybe start going out and doing fun group things, I mean with his buddies and maybe with your girls. Maybe there is too much 1/1 times. Not that 1/1 is bad, but there should be a little more balance with other people. Might that be whats going on?

 

Oh definitely. We've talked about how we enjoy being apart as well, and that being together 100% of the time can make us sick of each other. It's a tricky situation because I just moved to this country and am in the process of learning the language, so my abilities to go out on my own and meet people is slightly limited.

 

Start making plans that dont' include him. Pretty soon, he'll figure out to go do something.

 

That's been happening, but he prefers that we do it together. If I want to go buy food, or see a movie, he always says "well lets go together!" Again, I'm in a new country and have been preoccupied with paper work and settling it to really develop a lively social life.

 

Just an idea. What is his dating history like? Maybe he's one of those people that are addicted to drama and he is not getting enough drama in this current relationship = bored.

 

Very little experience in dating. It's mostly been shallow and immature experiences (most things don't lead to relationships because of how he is). One 'serious' relationship of 8 years, even though they only lived together for one year and you would be surprised and his reactions to normal relationship things, not romantic relationships, just generally two people who care about each other.

 

Lots of drama in his past. He's a man-child and doesn't understand women or people very well. He has a lot of history with hanging in bad crowds, not many good people in his life. He knows very little about real relationships and woman. Very little. He makes comments about how if a man doesn't have money, his woman will leave him. How he MUST fill certain roles otherwise he is disposable. Breaks my heart. Seems that no one truly loved him the way he should be loved.

 

In any case, I've decided to end this relationship. He's away for work at the moment, and even speaking with him on the phone is unpleasant. He seems always in a depressed or bored mood lately, and he is struggling to get his life together. He isn't ready for a real relationship. He has a lot of growing up to do before that can happen. Sadly I will have moved on by the time he reaches that point.

 

:(

 

The one time I actually want to keep a man long term. Oh the irony. Now the crying phase begins. I hate this part.

Edited by Hopeful30
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Miss Clavel Established Member

Miss Clavel

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sorry to hear it. i guess you just have to "run the drill" till you feel better.

 

 

good luck

Edited by Miss Clavel
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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You did the right thing. After reading your last post I am more convinced than ever this man is not relationship material. Your wishful thinking kept you 2 in this relationship for 3 months.

 

It will be hard on the moment but you'll get over him fast. Soon you'll see you're not losing anything. Now the door is open for someone really compatible with you.

 

Hang in there. !

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Me again. Thanks for all your support! Last post about this guy I promise :)

 

I am happy with my decision and feel loads off my chest. We had a chat, and he seemed to agree with everything I am saying. And I said things I tried saying when we were together, but he would get all childish about it. I expected the same this time around but he was actually acting like an adult!

 

Why is he behaving more mature now? Was his recent behaviour an act to get me to dump him? (In either case, it worked.)

 

I wake up this morning, all is peachy, I feel good. He comes into my room and starts kissing me on the cheek, plans a weekend getaway for us, and asks to hold my hand. WHY?! I don't need this right now, I needed it before. I told him I'm not comfortable with affections from him. We are no longer together and that means something to me.

 

Is he stroking his ego? Why suddenly the effort? This girl don't want you no mo'!

 

(Not gonna lie, I'm curious to see if he will actually go through with the weekend, not that I would go anyway :p)

Edited by Hopeful30
Omei Established Member

Omei

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You've broken up with your boyfriend now you should be spending your energies on moving out.

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umirano Established Member

umirano

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It seems kind of sick to test his determination for the weekend getaway. Aren't you broken up? I think it's time to untangle your lives instead of playing games.

 

As to why his behavior changes? He's probably realized that the changes he made before were not enough and tries harder now, he's hoping there's still a chance to revert the break up. If you want to make this painless and quick you have to put an end to it fast. Don't lead him on when you know that the break up is final.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Don't lead him on when you know that the break up is final.

 

Break ups can be not final? Why break up then? lol

 

I forgot to mention in the post... during our break up chat, he asked me the following question: "Why do you get to make the decision to break up?"

 

I was very surprised at that question. What do you mean why? When someone wants something, they ask for it, or do it. Right? Does he feel obligated to be part of the decision to? I don't see why it matters though, because he agreed this was a good decision for the both of us. He was very mature about it.

Edited by Hopeful30
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umirano Established Member

umirano

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Break ups can be not final? Why break up then? lol

 

Idk, you tell me :) you're the one scrutinizing the post break up situation.

confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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I'm in a similar dilemma. I have told my 'partner' that I was unhappy about so many different things throughout the relationship. He made a bit of an effort but that was it.

 

 

I said once and for all (or so I thought!) on Sunday that I want to break up. We had a huge fight Saturday night and he woke up Sunday as though nothing happened. I said that was it, asked him to move into the spare room etc and now he is trying so hard to make things right.

 

 

It has really messed with my head. It was so difficult to actually make the decision to break up in the first place and now he is promising me that everything that was a problem before, he will change.

 

 

The sad thing is I feel like my feelings have changed but I don't know what to do. I want to give him the chance to make things right but I'm scared my strong feelings for him won't come back and he'll feel like I've lead him on.

 

 

I think he also can't understand why I'm the one to decide if we're in a relationship or not. It would be the other way too. If one person doesn't want to be with the other then they can't make them...

 

 

I'm not sure how long you've been together or how serious it is but it sounds a bit more casual. If you genuinely don't want to be with him anymore then please don't lead him on.

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umirano Established Member

umirano

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I'm the BF in the situation of the two of you (Hopeful30 and confusedgf11). I pleaded with my ex as well, but TBH, I think she and you are right. I loved her for many good reasons but the changes she probably wanted would not have happened. It's sad but it is what it is, some people just don't fit together.

 

The decision making complaint (from exes of both of you) is ridiculous. A relationship exists only when two people want to be in it at the same time. As soon as one person doesn't want to anymore it's over. Your exes are confusing mutual with simultaneous. You don't get to veto another person's decision whether to leave (or join) a relationship.

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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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It's simple, we don't know what we have until it's gone.

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DarrenB Established Member

DarrenB

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We have a tendency to be oblivious to making mistakes. Like above member said, evidently we only realize what we had when it's actually gone and obsolete.

 

For alot of us, we make mistakes, we acknowledge them and we have every intention to do what we can in order to make things correct. How I wish it was that easy to re-gain what we had lost in the process, as well as better ourselves. Sigh.

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