"If things don't work out in the future, I still want you in my life." [updated]

September 22, 2016

Well, I did say in my first post not to over think this. It doesn't really mean much right now. But, what everyone has said may be true. No one knows for certain.

October 18, 2016

His last relationship was 2-3 years so. Same for me. We started dating end of July. Nothing out of the ordinary, we get along great and have had some tensions but those are resolved rather quickly.

I've been away for work for about 3 weeks, and near the end of the three weeks he sends me a message (not part of any conversation, just an individual message) that he wants to spend his life with me.

I'm not sure if he thinks I want to hear this, or if he genuinely feels this way. We haven't even told each other we love each other yet...

We are both late twenties, he is a year older than me. Thoughts?

October 19, 2016

Don't take this the wrong way, but I would check that the message was intended for you. If he says yes, then I would assume that he missed you so much that he realised how he really feels. A text like that could be construed as either very romantic or very romantically retarded, depending on the context and how you look at it.

October 19, 2016

My guess is, best case scenario, this is one of the things going through his head. A lot of men live in the moment and either say things they change their mind on (being in the moment) or say what they think women want to hear. Some men also will use stuff like that to manipulate women.

What have his actions been like?

October 19, 2016

What a beautiful statement he wasted ON TEXT!

I would pretend I didn't get it.

Who knows maybe he got a bit tipsy and text you something he felt at the moment.

October 19, 2016

Lets hope the text wasn't for someone else.....

October 19, 2016

Thanks for your replies! I sent him a message asking if he was drunk or if auto-correct maybe misspelled what he wanted to say. He saw the message but didn't respond. The next time we communicated it was in regards to my flight details. It hasn't been brought up since.

His actions have been consistent. He has been planning lots of things for us and takes good care of me. I feel safe when he's around because I know that if anything goes wrong, he will ensure I'm out of harms way. He's been moody and a man child every now and then, but that's expected

I also wondered if he meant it for someone else, but he has been clear about being exclusive so I very much doubt it. I've asked on previous occasions for his other bursts of affections and he confirmed.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Hopeful30

October 19, 2016

Thanks for your replies! I sent him a message asking if he was drunk or if auto-correct maybe misspelled what he wanted to say. He saw the message but didn't respond. The next time we communicated it was in regards to may flight details.

So that would indicate he is embarrassed by what he text, right? He could have laughed it off and say yes he was tipsy or yes auto correct did that but instead he is skipping giving you the real reason, cause the real reason is now embarrassing as you did not reciprocate. Real reason which would be: Hopeful, I did really mean those words.

His actions have been consistent. He has been planning lots of things for us and takes good care of me. I feel safe when he's around because I know that if anything goes wrong, he will ensure I'm out of harms wa. He's been moody and a man child every now and then, but that's expected

I also wondered if he meant it for someone else, but he has been clear about being exclusive so I very much doubt it. I've asked on previous occasions for his other bursts of affections and he confirmed.

It's very nice that he is consistent in his attention and actions. I would be careful about the part where he is acting like a man child and be moody. I find it a bit early for him to put your through these emotional roller coasters. At 3 months dating it's worrisome you already have a history of ups and downs.

October 19, 2016

It's very nice that he is consistent in his attention and actions. I would be careful about the part where he is acting like a man child and be moody. I find it a bit early for him to put your through these emotional roller coasters. At 3 months dating it's worrisome you already have a history of ups and downs.

Gaeta thanks for the he concern! I'm not too worried about that. Usually when there are such tensions early on, at least in my experiences, it simply means we are adjusting to each other and finding harmony in the union. That can be somewhat turbulent in the beginning when you haven't yet found your flow.

But I'm not immune to thinking this. Sometimes it gets annoying but that's a lesson for me to be patient. I prefer tensions early on because you work out the bugs quicker. I prefer that.

October 31, 2016

So he's making all the moves to progress the relationship. Always wants me at his side, has been looking for an apartment, he even suggested we get a puppy! (He brings up all these next steps, I either agree or disagree).

In any case, there have been times when I sensed he was bored. So I tell him straight up, "babe, don't feel obligated to chill with me, I have things to do. Feel free to call up your buddies and head out."

He always says no. Again I repeat to him, "I don't need babysitting. You're bored, go do something with your boys." Again, he doesn't really make the effort.

Then today, as I'm dropping him off at the train station (he's leaving for work) he mentions that he's bored. I ask if he's bored in this moment or in general, he said in general. That's it's not so bad when he's alone.

AGAIN I REPEAT TO HIM BABE, IF THIS RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T SUIT YOU, BE STRAIGHT UP ABOUT IT. IF YOU'RE NOT A HOME BODY, MAKE PLANS, GO OUT! BE OPEN ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON'T LIKE, OTHERWISE WE ARE IN THE DARK AND CAN'T MAKE ADJUSTMENTS SO THINGS WORK FOR BOTH OF US

No, I'm not the problem, I'm misunderstanding, he says. When I ask for clarification, he really struggles to put it into words. (Generally he doesn't know how to express himself.)

He has the freedom to do everything he did before we got together, yet he doesn't do it and complains of boredom. I want him to WANT to spend time with his buddies. He knows I enjoy being alone and he's the same, so he knows where I'm coming from. Neither of us mind when we have to be apart for a week or two for work. It's healthy space and we each love being in our own company.

So this comment threw me off a bit. He's bored when in a relationship, not bored when he's single, yet even though he has all the same privileges and freedoms, he doesn't utilize them. Then when I suggest the relationship could be making him feel this way, he reiterates that's not it and continues to move things to the next level (or remind me that WE need to do this, WE need to check out that apartment, WE need to stop by a few places and grab some things for home, basically he treats us as a team).

What am I missing?

Edited October 31, 2016 by Hopeful30

October 31, 2016

Are you sure he's bored with the relationship and not just bored in general?

Also, maybe he doesn't need more entertainment but some sort of life project.

October 31, 2016

Are you sure he's bored with the relationship and not just bored in general?

Also, maybe he doesn't need more entertainment but some sort of life project.

I'm not quite sure. He mentioned he is sick of his job and wants to leave this city. If he is bored in general, I'm not sure why he would mention "alone". That implies that my presence has something to do with it.

October 31, 2016

Are you his first girlfriend or something? He should not be expressing his boredom like that! We all get bored but we're adults, this is the time to explore life. He should be happy to have a girlfriend like you that is willing to give him space. I'd encourage him to fill his time, if he's saying it's not you, then see about taking up something together (sport/art/local park district activity) but honestly it's not your job to babysit him, happiness is an insiders job and he doesn't sound like he is choosing happiness right now for whatever reason.

October 31, 2016

Dear hopeful, so sorry to hear this.

You know the 3 month mark is the make-it or break-it milestone. I think he is starting to question if this relationship is what he really wants. He is edgy, restless, bored and he is looking for some actions that is why he is offering to look for an apartment and getting a puppy.

He doesn't want those things with you already after 3 months, he is considering these things because they may inject some missing excitement in his life. It's wrong in many ways you know this. After a while the apartment and the puppy will bore him than what?

It's issue after issue since you started dating this man. It's never anything huge but it's a collection of issues that when put together you have to wonder if this is the right man for you.

Ask yourself honestly why would you want to continue with him? You have issues left and right after only 3 months.

October 31, 2016

If you both are home bodies maybe he wants to spend more time at home alone. If so, that would make it hard for you because you'd have to do more things outside the home and not get your time at home alone. How are you to understand his needs when he can't express them? That's not fair to you.

October 31, 2016

Do NOT get a puppy.

Your relationship is in flux. He is "bored".

Last thing you need is to try and get a new home for your dog, when it all goes pear-shaped. Like kids, puppies do not mend relationships.

If he doesn't want to leave you to go and do other things, is he in fact "guarding" you?

If he goes out alone that may means you go out alone and that may not be what he wants. He may be worried you will be "stolen" away or you decide the grass is greener elsewhere.

So he stays in with you to make sure you are "safe", but he is "bored".

October 31, 2016

Hopeful, you've only been dating this guy for 3 months and he's talking about apartments and puppies with you already and yet, he's bored. Don't let him build an empty relationship with you because he's bored. And, the fact is that the relationship is boring. In your previous threads, you've outlined this pretty clearly:

1) Sex sucks

2) Nothing to talk about

3) And, early on, he alluded to the future in a negative light -- "If things don't work out, I still want you in my life".

He says things are fine for him when he's alone. This guy doesn't know what he wants and until he gets his head on straight, you're both going to be struggling.

October 31, 2016

I made a mistake with a bored guy before "lets get something TOGETHER (a puppy) to SHARE"- We did, I financed it (my mistake - when i called it quits he ended up breaking my door down and stealing him and his papers - police were involved)

MY house wasn't good enough, lets get something TOGETHER - nothing of mine I had to offer was ever enough! There is an endless hole that needed to be filled, in the end I chalked it up to abandonment issues, the guy was adopted and there wasn't enough love to fill him. It's not your responsibility either.

October 31, 2016

Going to play devil's advocate here... but do you think the 'it's not so bad when he's alone' part could be partially due to your apparently incessant talk about how he should go out whenever he appears even the slightest bit bored?

I mean, there is just no point repeating yourself 100 times. Say it once and leave it up to him. Nagging benefits no one. I agree that if he's sick of work, he needs to do something about it, but my guess is that the constant refrain of "Go out and do something! Why aren't you doing that?!" doesn't help. It's possible that he just wants a listening ear to vent to.

October 31, 2016

You are not his x box.

Next time he says it just simply tell him that he is more than capable of sorting it out himself and to let you know when he has.

In my experience "bored" people are usually very selfish and dull people.

Be on guard.

October 31, 2016

Thanks guys.

Yeah, he seems neither here nor there. The 'safe guarding' post really caught my attention. In other words, if I can't have it, no one can.

I knew from the beginning he had issues, I didn't think they would be so outwardly reflected. He's not an idiot, and when brought to his attention he won't deny the truth, but again I'm not his therapist or his entertainer.

The thing is guys... okay I know there are issues and such, and there has been evidence of this... but it feels SO RIGHT. My gut just tells me to keep going. I'm not in love with him, the love word hasn't been exchanged, and we aren't all over each other, I can definitely live without him.

But something just tells me to be patient. That inner voice that says, "I know it looks effed up, but trust me."

October 31, 2016

Thanks guys.

Yeah, he seems neither here nor there. The 'safe guarding' post really caught my attention. In other words, if I can't have it, no one can.

I knew from the beginning he had issues, I didn't think they would be so outwardly reflected. He's not an idiot, and when brought to his attention he won't deny the truth, but again I'm not his therapist or his entertainer.

The thing is guys... okay I know there are issues and such, and there has been evidence of this... but it feels SO RIGHT. My gut just tells me to keep going. I'm not in love with him, the love word hasn't been exchanged, and we aren't all over each other, I can definitely live without him.

But something just tells me to be patient. That inner voice that says, "I know it looks effed up, but trust me."

Hopeful.

That is not an inner voice. Your inner voice is showing you the issues and concerns...

The thing telling you to hang on in there is simply rose tinted glasses and you thinking it will change for the better.

It never does.

If its like this 3 months in it will get far worse and you will be miserable. Leave it and you will become more attached and it becomes harder to deal with.

I know this. I have been in your shoes.

October 31, 2016

Thanks guys.

Yeah, he seems neither here nor there. The 'safe guarding' post really caught my attention. In other words, if I can't have it, no one can.

I knew from the beginning he had issues, I didn't think they would be so outwardly reflected. He's not an idiot, and when brought to his attention he won't deny the truth, but again I'm not his therapist or his entertainer.

The thing is guys... okay I know there are issues and such, and there has been evidence of this... but it feels SO RIGHT. My gut just tells me to keep going. I'm not in love with him, the love word hasn't been exchanged, and we aren't all over each other, I can definitely live without him.

But something just tells me to be patient. That inner voice that says, "I know it looks effed up, but trust me."

That inner voice that says, "I know it looks effed up, but trust me." -- Said millions of women who ignored the early signs and found themselves being confused later when the guy ends it or drops out of sight . . .

I can definitely live without him.

Sex sucks

Nothing to talk about

He's Bored

but it feels SO RIGHT -- Given the above statements, I don't see how this statement can be true. Your logic is telling you that something is wrong, but your emotions are telling you "it's right"? Your emotions and logic should be in synch . . . when they aren't, something is definitely not right.

"I know it looks effed up, but trust me." -- I think your gut should be saying "I know it looks effed up, SO trust me and move on".

There is a song by Air Supply called "Making Love Out of Nothing At All".

I wish you the best. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst . . .

October 31, 2016

sounds like he wants a relationship like he is describing, the team and companionship. But at the same time, there is a balance off. He feels constrained. Yes, he has the same freedom as before if you believe that. But Im not sure he fully believes it, or accepts it.

Sounds like you are spot on: he has trouble expressing himself. I mean, you asked if he was bored and he said no. You felt that was off.. so you kept on him, and eventually he told you he was. Now you just have to listen to him very closely and figure out what he means by bored. The relationship, you, or life in general. Maybe start going out and doing fun group things, I mean with his buddies and maybe with your girls. Maybe there is too much 1/1 times. Not that 1/1 is bad, but there should be a little more balance with other people. Might that be whats going on?

October 31, 2016

What am I missing?

Start making plans that dont' include him. Pretty soon, he'll figure out to go do something.

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