"If things don't work out in the future, I still want you in my life." [updated]

[Hopeful30]

Hmm... whenever I hear this, I assume it means that on some level, he senses things may not work out. There is confusion to this otherwise sure thought because I've said this myself in past relationships, but not because I was anticipating a pending breakup, but because I genuinely wanted this person to be in my life forever, no matter what happens (they no longer are anyways).

 

So I'm not sure if my current man is saying this for the same reasons (I am important to him) or because he feels things might not work out (well they might not, but making the comment...)

 

Have you ever said anything similarly? What were your reasons behind these kinds of comments? Were you anticipating that things wouldn't work out?

 

Thanks!

[Toodaloo]

Its one of those where you are a great person, he likes you but he is not going to marry you.

 

This one will end sooner or later... Its just a matter of time and circumstances.

[Hopeful30]

Its one of those where you are a great person, he likes you but he is not going to marry you.

 

This one will end sooner or later... Its just a matter of time and circumstances.

 

He is well aware I don't want marriage or children, but I suppose the point remains. He doesn't see a future.

[Toodaloo]

He is well aware I don't want marriage or children, but I suppose the point remains. He doesn't see a future.

 

Perhaps he does but not with you.

 

Its coming.

[Kamille]

I've been in relationships where we would say this to each other and usually, it was because we were so into each other that we couldn't imagine our lives without the other in it. Not sure why you and Toodaloo feel it's a sign he's not seeing a future.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hmm... whenever I hear this, I assume it means that on some level, he senses things may not work out. There is confusion to this otherwise sure thought because I've said this myself in past relationships, but not because I was anticipating a pending breakup, but because I genuinely wanted this person to be in my life forever, no matter what happens (they no longer are anyways).

 

So I'm not sure if my current man is saying this for the same reasons (I am important to him) or because he feels things might not work out (well they might not, but making the comment...)

 

Have you ever said anything similarly? What were your reasons behind these kinds of comments? Were you anticipating that things wouldn't work out?

 

Thanks!

 

I think timing is important. How long have you two been dating?

 

This can go BOTH ways. It can signify a person seeing either possibility, eventual separation or a deeper yearning to remain in one another's lives beyond where the relationship goes. What I wouldn't do is take the comment too literally right now. Whatever his motives, the words are more "in the moment" emotional. Don't make too much of it either way.

[Gaeta]

I think it depends when it's said.

 

At beginning of a relationship it may indicate he recognizes the quality of woman that you are and his life will be enhance anyway you are part of it. But it's said with a lot of naivety. Keeping an ex love in your life is hard and difficult.

 

At the end of a relationship I see it as offering a consolation price. Something to ease the blow. Same as 'we can still be friends'. The person saying it usually has completely moved on and does not harbor any romantic feelings anymore. It's the other one that will be suffering from such friendship.

[Hopeful30]

I think timing is important. How long have you two been dating?

 

This can go BOTH ways. It can signify a person seeing either possibility, eventual separation or a deeper yearning to remain in one another's lives beyond where the relationship goes. What I wouldn't do is take the comment too literally right now. Whatever his motives, the words are more "in the moment" emotional. Don't make too much of it either way.

 

Not long, couple of months.

 

I agree with Gaeta, I don't see a reason to keep an ex lover in your life. Once I've moved on, that chApter closes. When I said these words in a past relationship, it was because this person was genuinely important to me and I cared deeply about him. But like Simple said, it can go both ways so I'm not sure how to receive this statement.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I think it depends when it's said.

 

At beginning of a relationship it may indicate he recognizes the quality of woman that you are and his life will be enhance anyway you are part of it. But it's said with a lot of naivety. Keeping an ex love in your life is hard and difficult.

 

At the end of a relationship I see it as offering a consolation price. Something to ease the blow. Same as 'we can still be friends'. The person saying it usually has completely moved on and does not harbor any romantic feelings anymore. It's the other one that will be suffering from such friendship.

 

Agreed. I think it poor form to keep in contact with a past lover (unless you have to, ie. ex-spouses, parent to your children, etc.) especially if you are working to develop a relationship with someone else. TOO complicated and uncomfortable for the new person in the picture.

[duncsvoice]

I had this with a girl who I was dating, but was incredibly flakey. The second she said it I knew it was time to move on. Stopped wasting my time with someone who clearly didn't see a future, and I've made no effort to 'keep her in my life'.

[joyful]

I definitely see that it could go either way: to indicate such intense appreciation for a person that you want to keep them in your life even if the romance doesn't work out OR to indicate that you like the person very much but don't really see a longterm future.

 

In this case, because you have been dating just long enough for people to sense if they want a future and this guy can already imagine not being romantic partners with you, I think you should take it as his not being sure he wants a forever relationship with you.

 

If I were you, I would continue in the relationship but be extra observant.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with those that said it can be a both ways thing. And that timing within the relationship of when said most likely plays a part. Earlier probably leans toward a good reason and later a bad one. Due to your timing with him, it could be just musing, that type of thing. If ever there was a reason to give this I would say it applying to this one: don't ask us, ask him. Shouldn't be confrontational, just curious, musing yourself. If anything to get to know him better! It may have been a line to bring closeness in that way. Ask and hear the answer and add your thoughts and then as someone said l, be extra observant. It could be a good thing. If you don't want to get married and have kids though, you should make sure he's actually on the same page for real. Stereotypes would suggest this may not be a problem for lots of guys, def not at beginning because they aren't thinking that far ahead BUT they can flip a switch and change their stance on this too. Good luck!

[hippychick3]

I don't necessarily believe this is a "bad" sign. Even though we are committed to each other and a future together, my bf has said things similar to that. But he always adds "only if you break up with me because that's the only way we would not be together." Obviously he cares and will always think highly of me because of who I am...and your guy probably feels the same. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't see a future with you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

There is confusion to this otherwise sure thought because I've said this myself in past relationships, but not because I was anticipating a pending breakup, but because I genuinely wanted this person to be in my life forever, no matter what happens (they no longer are anyways).

 

 

I don't see a reason to keep an ex lover in your life. Once I've moved on, that chApter closes. When I said these words in a past relationship, it was because this person was genuinely important to me and I cared deeply about him.

 

Sounds like you answered your own question.

 

People in the moment say one thing but actually mean another after the fact.

[Hopeful30]

Sounds like you answered your own question.

 

People in the moment say one thing but actually mean another after the fact.

 

When I said it, I had no intention of breaking up. I meant these words. The fact that it didn't happen that way wasn't intentional. That's just the direction things went.

[joyful]

When I said it, I had no intention of breaking up. I meant these words. The fact that it didn't happen that way wasn't intentional. That's just the direction things went.

 

perhaps you will just have to wait and see how things go now, too.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Sounds like a, "I want my cake and eat it too" situation. "Hey, if things don't work out, at least we can be FWB!"

[Sunkissedpatio]

When I said it, I had no intention of breaking up. I meant these words. The fact that it didn't happen that way wasn't intentional. That's just the direction things went.

 

Then you are contradicting yourself, if you mean it when you say it but once you break up that door closes and you see no point - which is it?

 

My point remains, what we say while in it is not what we actually want after the fact.

 

It's like running into someone and saying "we should get together soon" you may mean but in reality the effort isn't there.

 

At the end of the day there are other signs you should be looking for to see if he wants to break up or whatever meaning you think there are is behind it.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Hopeful30]

Then you are contradicting yourself, if you mean it when you say it but once you break up that door closes and you see no point - which is it?

 

My point remains, what we say while in it is not what we actually want after the fact.

 

It's like running into someone and saying "we should get together soon" you may mean but in reality the effort isn't there.

 

At the end of the day there are other signs you should be looking for to see if he wants to break up or whatever meaning you think there are is behind it.

 

After we broke up I kept my words. I still cared for him and was actively keeping in touch. He decided he couldn't do that, and so we went our separate ways.

 

I have been looking for other signs, but it's all mixed. Some days he will say or do something that will cast doubt, while on other days I will be surprised at how he has put effort into something I did not expect.

 

He says and does the right things, but it's comment like this that make me think twice. He's made similar comments along the lines of "IF" there is a bad outcome, he still wants to maintain ties and continue our future plans (he wants to take me to Spain).

 

I must admit, I have my own insecurities too, which is why it's difficult to see if it's my insecurities that are casting doubts, or if his behaviours are genuine signs of something negative.

 

The line blurs for me.

[joyful]

After we broke up I kept my words. I still cared for him and was actively keeping in touch. He decided he couldn't do that, and so we went our separate ways.

 

I have been looking for other signs, but it's all mixed. Some days he will say or do something that will cast doubt, while on other days I will be surprised at how he has put effort into something I did not expect.

 

He says and does the right things, but it's comment like this that make me think twice. He's made similar comments along the lines of "IF" there is a bad outcome, he still wants to maintain ties and continue our future plans (he wants to take me to Spain).

 

I must admit, I have my own insecurities too, which is why it's difficult to see if it's my insecurities that are casting doubts, or if his behaviours are genuine signs of something negative.

 

The line blurs for me.

 

Sounds like he is preparing you in case things don't work out. Not saying that he is necessarily planning to break up, but he is also clearly not promising you forever if he is already giving you the contingency plan -- friends...

[hippychick3]

One more thing I remembered....during our first year of dating, my bf made comments about who I should date again if we were to ever break up (e.g., "Don't ever settle. You can have anyone you want."...things like that). At the time, I did question to myself why he would say that but did not dwell on it. I know at that point that although we loved each other, there were no guarantees. I don't think anyone can be sure of a future in the first year. At this point, 3+ years later, we are at a different stage/level and he would never say something like that. Things evolve over time and those kind of early on comments are NOT predictive of the future.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I have been looking for other signs, but it's all mixed. Some days he will say or do something that will cast doubt, while on other days I will be surprised at how he has put effort into something I did not expect.

 

He says and does the right things, but it's comment like this that make me think twice. He's made similar comments along the lines of "IF" there is a bad outcome, he still wants to maintain ties and continue our future plans (he wants to take me to Spain).

 

I must admit, I have my own insecurities too, which is why it's difficult to see if it's my insecurities that are casting doubts, or if his behaviours are genuine signs of something negative.

 

The line blurs for me.

 

Don't know how old you guys are but I was going to say maybe he is just projecting insecurity, like putting that out there to get reassurance you won't break up with him etc.

[katiegrl]

"If things don't work out in the future, I still want you in my life."

 

Frankly I disagree with everyone and think he said to mess with you a bit and get a reaction.

 

Maybe just having some fun, to get some good banter going or a reaction. He sounds a bit insecure.

 

I have had guys say similar for that very reason.

 

You are over thinking it... just ignore pretend like you didn't even hear it.

 

DO NOT react and/or let it throw you off balance or cause insecurity.

 

That is what I would do anyway... and HAVE done.

Edited September 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[mortensorchid]

That is another way of saying "I want to be friends". Do they mean it RIGHT NOW? No, but they will if and when it comes to an end. Will you still be? Chances are you will not be, but that's how it goes.

[katiegrl]

Oh man all this over-thinking, analyzing to the nth degree.... which may have been precisely why he said it!

 

I hope to god you don't start questioning him about it Hopeful.

 

Seriously just let it go....