RecordProducer Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 I have explored this topic very widely and came to this conclusion: no matter how much it hurts you, the dating sites don't play any significant role. They are like streets or gyms - you watch people and talk to them. It's true that guys are reluctant to remove their profiles while we could do it after the first kiss. I think what's important and what you should be concentrated on is your relationship itself. If it "smells" like serious then you have nothing to worry about. Don't check up on him; just relax and enjoy your love. In any case after the talk of exclusivity the profiles should be off. That's the ultimate deadline. Don't force him before that.
RecordProducer Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Okay, I just read Cyberbabie's post and I must remind you that hiding the profile on the dating sites have nothing to do with this. He can officially hide it and still cheat on you or go on other dating sites. If somebody is a cheater, he will find his own way to do it until you catch him. Asking the guy to take the profile off is not a guarantee that he will be faithful. And vice versa: the fact that his profile is on doesn't mean he is dating or sleeping with other women. As long as their profiles are online, we imagine their lives as contionuous orgies with beautiful women. Have you noticed that they never tell us to take our profiles off? It should tell you how much this whole dating-site scene means to them. If I told my BF that I wanted to put my profile online to just talk to people and meet friends, he would be completely fine with it. While for the same announcement I would eat his heart up. He actually told me he was fine with me talking to people online. His logic was "if you happen to find someone else, it means we were not meant to be; if he is better than me then you deserve him." Yet he is not okay with me dating people in person, of course. Whenever you want to know what such and such situation means for your lover, just do the same thing to him and see how he reacts. If he is cool about it, it means you should be too as it means nothing to him.
shygurl Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer As long as their profiles are online, we imagine their lives as contionuous orgies with beautiful women While I wholeheartedly agree that asking a partner to remove their profile is the wrong move - you want a partner to do this because it's a decision they've made themself, not something they did to appease you or because they felt pressured into it. But as to your quote above, if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone you met through the online personals and you see that they're continuing to be active on the site, it would be totally naive to just ignore it. People content in their relationships, who've declared mutual exclusivity - they don't continue to surf the personal ads for any "good/harmless" reason. They're either doing it because they're still looking, they're not fully committed and are looking to see if there's "someone better" out there, they're playing games. It's no different to being in a relationship and finding out your guy is out at the clubs without you, asking for women's phone numbers. It's a growing epidemic, people in relationships that started out "online" yet they're continuing to search - some go so far as to create new profiles their partner won't recognize, "hiding" their profile, etc. Dating sites make it exceptionally easy for people in relationships to find "new people" - for if it were that easy to meet people the conventional way (at work, out in public, through friends, etc), they'd be using that method as opposed to the personals. One would be naive to believe that just because they're with someone great who promises exclusivity that they're being 100% honest and trustworthy. For many men AND women who use this method of meeting, it's like being a kid in a candy store - you find someone cool to date and have a relationship with but from the comfort of your home you can make a few clicks of the mouse and keep on looking for someone else - without getting caught. A couple of years ago I dated the nicest guy. We met through the online personals. He pursued me. He treated me like gold. After a month, I went back to the dating site we met through and was going to delete my profile. I was there reading through old sweet letters he'd previously written to me when we first 'met'.......lo and behold ,it showed he'd been recently active there. This didn't even make sense because shortly after our 3rd date, he told me that he hated using the personals, his goal had always been to find just one woman and hopefully have a serious relationship - and delete his profile forever. I didn't say anything to him, I just checked ever couple of days to see...and sure enough, he was logging in frequently. I finally told him I was aware and I pointed out to him that it seemed odd that he'd still be so 'active' there - considering he told me he wasn't one to keep looking when he found someone. Now this was a guy who was crazy head over heels for me (not to sound arrogant) - after 4 weeks he was talking about us having a future together, marrying someday, etc. He thought I rode the short bus because he tried to tell me he was merely logging in there all the time because darn, he just couldn't figure out how to DELETE his profile. Now he was smart enough to create a profile ,upload pics..........but too daft to click on the big fat link that said "click here to delete profile"? Yeah, right. Needless to say, I dumped him because life is too short for BS.
RecordProducer Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 I absolutely agree with you that profiles should be deleted after partners have agreed upon exclusivity. But in your former relationship it doesn't sound like it was the case yet. Men are different by nature. They tend to be independent while we tend to commit. Making them commit right away and unconditionally is the same as it would be if they tried to make us sleep with strangers when we're in love. Most women find it more natural to be deprived from sex than sleep with a different guy every night. For most men it's a dream come true. We share the opposite ends of the same qualities. Those ends should meet somewhere in the middle in order to create harmony.
miss-gonewest Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken He re-subscribed when we were having a rough patch.....that hurt. So I'm a bit more cautious this time around. Fair enough being cautious... I would be too.... I guess that's one of the pitfalls with online dating - its easy to shop around for another model! So even though his profile is hidden, it does make me wonder if he's contacting other women (even though he says he isn't), because I can't see whether or not he is active on his profile. I asked him the other night why his profile was hidden and he said that he likes to be "selective". Maybe I'm overly paranoid. I dunno. I don't know how the site you are using works, but I have my profile hidden and it also means that I can't contact anyone without making it visible again. I can still look around, but I can't make contact with re-opening it and having it visible for at least 24 hours. I have mine hidden while I am contacting others as I feel that its only fair to the chaps I am corresponding with; to me and to anyone that may contact me while I'm not giving 100%. Other than the above mentioned suspicion, everything is really great with this guy. We are soooo compatable, equally attracted to each other, and he has already given me two gifts and four cards, and not pressured me for sex. He seems really perfect for me so far. So what about this coffee date? How long have you guys been chatting? Jen I am so glad things are going well with this guy and that he finally came round to how wonderful you are! I love happy stories! Make sure you let us know how it goes with his birthday gift. And my date last night was great - he was charming, handsome, funny and he wants to catch up again!!!!
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 8, 2005 Author Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by miss-gonewest Jen I am so glad things are going well with this guy and that he finally came round to how wonderful you are! I love happy stories! Make sure you let us know how it goes with his birthday gift. Well, even though I'm a bit jaded, I am hopeful about this one. He really is a genuine "nice guy" and a romantic -- note to some other posters: See, some girls actually PREFER a nice guy. He's actually out of town on business until tomorrow, and has called twice while on the road....just to hear my voice. And my date last night was great - he was charming, handsome, funny and he wants to catch up again!!!! Ooooo...SWEET! That's so awesome! Let us know how the second date goes! (keeping fingers crossed)
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 8, 2005 Author Posted July 8, 2005 There's going to be a new show (in the US) on ABC called "Hooking Up". I guess they follow 20 or so women on their journey through online dating. It will be interesting to see how these and other online dating issues are addressed. article about show: http://www.thefutoncritic.com/cgi/pr.cgi?id=20050613abc01
Forever Searching Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Well we are over. I can't deal with it and I personally think I do deserve more respect. When I brought it up he got defensive and said he only did it to see if I was looking!! lol. Whatever!!! That was a big fat line and then he had the nerve to call me to tell me he deleted it but guess what it's not deleted, it's hidden. To top it all off, the minute we ended it he was immediately online!! I finally got it out of him that he just started having doubts about us having long term potential. So I guess all is well for both of us. He's free to find someone else and I'm free to find a real man that respects me for me just the way I am!! I'm glad I'm too upset over this.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 8, 2005 Author Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by Forever Searching Well we are over. Oh gosh, I'm sorry things didn't work out. I know this may not be too comforting now, but at least you found out about this early on in the relationship and not a year in.
Forever Searching Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Oh gosh, I'm sorry things didn't work out. I know this may not be too comforting now, but at least you found out about this early on in the relationship and not a year in. Thank you I'm doing ok I think. I'm also very glad that I found out early on. It wasn't a very pretty scene but it's over and I'm moving on with my life alone for awhile. I'm glad I've got great friends!! Hope things work out better in your situation.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 UPDATE: Things with the new guy are so awesome! Last night he said the "L" word. YAY! I'm so happy. He really is perfect for me. God, I hope I don't screw this up, because he could be "the one".
miss-gonewest Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Jen, good for you & thanks for letting us know... I was thinking about you the other day! I am so glad its working out for you and that you are happy, its great to hear good stories. And banish those negative thoughts of 'screwing things up'.... you have to deprogram yourself from thinking like that (I do it too, usually when things are going real well). Remember that you aren't responsible for screwing things up, sometimes relationships aren't meant to be with a certain person (but not with this one OK?) Lecture over, go back to being happy - and make sure you keep us updated. I'm pleased for you. (BTW, my new romance didn't go too well - he told me we didn't click romantically after two dates! I obvioulsy didn't realise that you were meant to throw yourself at someone after one dinner together! Silly me! But its all a good learning experience).
notmakingsense Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 I've got another twist to this whole subject. I've been in an on-again-off-again relationship with someone whom I love dearly. We have broken up 3 or 4 times over a period of a year-and-a-half. When we break up, it is almost always because she is afraid of commitment. She had a 17 year marriage to someone who cheated on her repeatedly. We have normal issues that need resolving, and when she goes into her periods of withdrawal, she cites her lack of trust in relationships as well as these other issues. One of the issues is that she's never dated much and she and her friends feel she needs to meet more people before commiting. As you can imagine, dealing with this from a guy's perspective is horrible. It is a punch-to-the-gut in terms of questioning my ability to be "the one", etc. Sorry for the long winded introduction... Here's the main-story: When we broke up before, I put up my on-line profile on a few different sites. I wasn't interested in dating other people, but rather, it was a way for me to feel better about my ability to be wanted and attracitive to other women while she was out meeting other men. No harm in that, and she knew what I was doing. She didn't like it much, but she did not find fault in this -- after all, she couldn't expect me to just sit there and wait for her to decide whether I was the best candidate! Anyway, when we got back together last -- I took down the profile she knew about, but I did not take down the profile she didn't know about. I was not a full member of this second site, and never responded to winks or notes from women. That said, I got used to, and enjoyed the periodic e-mails showing profiles of women. I'd click on the links and read their full profiles. About 2 weeks ago, a friend of my gf's found my profile on this other site and told her about it. Well, as you can imagine, this did not go well -- and to be honest, I made matters worse by fumbling over my explanations, telling her that I wasn't sure why it was still up, etc. STUPID!!! If I had just been honest with her from the onset - things would have gone much better. Because she's so sensitive to trust issues, it seems not to matter how much I tell her I love her, how much I tell her about how I've never responded to any of these women, etc. -- to her, it is a gross sign of disrespect, and worse, she's not sure she can ever trust me. So --I'll be posting more in the "breaking up" and "coping sections" once again because I'm not sure I can salvage things now.... but anyway -- just thought I'd add this story to the mix to see what people thought.
AnHonestGuy Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 notmakingsense, I would avoid this girl. She's got some real issues with her that, I'm afraid, won't be cleared up by "meeting new people". It takes time to heal. Don't feel bad that she's caught you with a personal ad up because most would "keep looking". A person has to be happy with themselves before they can bring happiness to a relationship (or dating for that matter).
notmakingsense Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 I would avoid this girl. She's got some real issues with her that, I'm afraid, won't be cleared up by "meeting new people". It takes time to heal. Don't feel bad that she's caught you with a personal ad up because most would "keep looking". A person has to be happy with themselves before they can bring happiness to a relationship (or dating for that matter). Thanks HonestGuy -- I've been told before that I should avoid her. However, this isn't so easy given that I have a year and a half of my life invested in her, and am now crazy in love with her. I think I have my own esteem issues to deal with, because most in my predicament would have walked away from her long ago. I've also been told before that the personals ad thing isn't the real problem, the issues with trust are. That said, I can't help but feeling like a complete idiot for lurking on the personals site when we were back together again. I should have either not gotten back together with her -- because of the lack of security in our relationship, or I should have taken the posting down. If things don't work out between us, I'll take comfort in the fact that it probably wouldn't have worked anyway -- but I'll always have that nagging feeling that I screwed it up with the on-line personals ad.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 31, 2005 Author Posted July 31, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense That said, I can't help but feeling like a complete idiot for lurking on the personals site when we were back together again. I'll always have that nagging feeling that I screwed it up with the on-line personals ad. Yeah, sorry...you did screw up with that. That falls under the category of "game playing", and no woman likes to be treated like that. Sounds like you both screwed up.
notmakingsense Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 That said, I can't help but feeling like a complete idiot for lurking on the personals site when we were back together again. I'll always have that nagging feeling that I screwed it up with the on-line personals ad. I know. I've learned my lesson. I just hope we have a chance to get past this.
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