steve_campbellH Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 Been with my ex for almost 7 years, we always had highs and lows together - often a result of personal issues we hadn't dealt with. But there was always an amazing bond between us, when it was right it was RIGHT. We finally moved in together last November, but unfortunately chaos followed us right till break up: first up the move itself was stressful (I'd been fighting eviction from previous home thanks to my ex wife), then christmas was upon us and she went away (always back to parents place in Germany at xmas), then my father had an accident early January and sadly passed away two weeks later. Then funeral arrangements, trying to sort his old flat, all whilst juggling our jobs ( we both work for ourselves). In short, we never had a moment of stability where we could get into a good routine together. Sure, there were some great moments, but it was a whirlwind. We had a final stupid argument about food and a standoff before she left in June. Fast forward 3 months and I'm on a work trip which has me driving to Germany (she'd gone to her folks place). So I offer to take some boxes of her stuff, partially an excuse to see her as she left whilst I was away so no closure. I drop the boxes off, we go for a coffee, and it was.... beautiful. That easy connection we had was 100% still there, we chatted for an hour, I wished it could have been a lot more but had to leave. I drove her home, and we hugged, I blurted out that I'll always love her because... I will. It felt mutual, she was crying a bit. Roll forwards another month, and my head is in a spin, I feel like I want to run over to Germany, marry her and have a future together. I could pickup my job over there in time, I'm sure. I suspect she'd be a lot more stable as she's comfortable with family and friends around her there, so some of the issues we had won't exist. But most of all, I just feel like we are meant to be together and I don't want to let that go. Sorry for long first post! Thoughts? Anyone been in similar situation? What would you do?
mikeylo Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 I would first ask, what have you been doing for last 7 years?
fromheart Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 Yes, Ive been in a similar situation. When one of your parents passes, you quickly find out who's meant to be in your life and who isn't. And it sounds like she just isn't meant to be in your life anymore. Or she would BE in your life. Don't go running after women in other countries, in usually ruins the masculine/feminine polarity. Be established in your own life where you are, and let someone come to you. I'm not saying it will never work if you go to a country to be with a girl, but there could be a loss of attraction. Far better to say, 'This is my established life, you're welcome to join...' If your relationship is already established and you're moving together, that's something different of course. The only course left to you is to tell her you're only interested in romance and not a friendship, and then go NC. Take time to heal and process the loss of your father, look out for your mother. 1
Author steve_campbellH Posted September 21, 2016 Author Posted September 21, 2016 In the last 7 years we moved together probably a bit too soon, a little over 1 year, and it was a bit stressful. She moved out and we went back to living seperate dating, although we spent a lot of time together as we only lived a few miles apart. We were at about 6 years when we moved in next time, the idea had always been to progress to living in Germany together, it's about 7 years since we met now. I don't see it as going running, more a completion of the original plan. I know a lot of her issues stemmed from feeling isolated and alone in England; she had few friends, and parents - who she's very close to - a thousand miles away. I'm convinced, and intrigued to find out, if things would be different - ie better - in Germany. I'm excited to try living in another country, but most of all I'm utterly in love with her and afraid to give up on something I feel I'll never find again. I don't have contact with mother, they split years ago, she was a pretty horrible abusive person.
Toodaloo Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 Steve I am really sorry about your Dad. I think what you need to do is to put those happy memories in a mental box and move on. I assume that your Mum and Dad had split up before all this or your Mum has passed some time ago as you mention selling your fathers flat? All those things that happened when you moved... well thats just life. I moved into my newest place on the Monday, shot my horse on the Tuesday, had major work issues on the Wednesday and Thursday... It all happened in a week. Its called life. If she was going to stick around she would have done. Thing is although you probably had a great relationship its just wasn't strong enough to face tough times. If you go over there it could be great again for a while but it will get tough (because that happens in life) and the pair of you will end up splitting up again. So smile. You had a lovely relationship with a woman who sounds fantastic but it just isn't to be. Grieve, mourn and move on. 1
Toodaloo Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 In the last 7 years we moved together probably a bit too soon, a little over 1 year, and it was a bit stressful. She moved out and we went back to living seperate dating, although we spent a lot of time together as we only lived a few miles apart. We were at about 6 years when we moved in next time, the idea had always been to progress to living in Germany together, it's about 7 years since we met now. I don't see it as going running, more a completion of the original plan. I know a lot of her issues stemmed from feeling isolated and alone in England; she had few friends, and parents - who she's very close to - a thousand miles away. I'm convinced, and intrigued to find out, if things would be different - ie better - in Germany. I'm excited to try living in another country, but most of all I'm utterly in love with her and afraid to give up on something I feel I'll never find again. I don't have contact with mother, they split years ago, she was a pretty horrible abusive person. Seems we posted at roughly the same time and your comments here have just confirmed my thoughts. You are both great people - just not suited to living together and progressing further than casual dating together. Don't be sad. Be happy that you had such a lovely time. But for goodness sake if it hasn't worked twice over here it is not going to work over there... 1
fromheart Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 In the last 7 years we moved together probably a bit too soon, a little over 1 year, and it was a bit stressful. She moved out and we went back to living seperate dating, although we spent a lot of time together as we only lived a few miles apart. We were at about 6 years when we moved in next time, the idea had always been to progress to living in Germany together, it's about 7 years since we met now. I don't see it as going running, more a completion of the original plan. I know a lot of her issues stemmed from feeling isolated and alone in England; she had few friends, and parents - who she's very close to - a thousand miles away. I'm convinced, and intrigued to find out, if things would be different - ie better - in Germany. I'm excited to try living in another country, but most of all I'm utterly in love with her and afraid to give up on something I feel I'll never find again. I don't have contact with mother, they split years ago, she was a pretty horrible abusive person. Sorry to hear about your mother, and your fathers passing also. Does she feel exactly the same way? Does she want you there? Even then make sure that you are putting your work and career into highest consideration. Germany is a good place to live for sure. But what would you do if it didn't work out? Would you still stay there and continue to build a life there? If its mostly about her, it might lessen the chances of it working out.
mikeylo Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 After a while, its natural for a relationship to move forward. We all have ups and downs but if it's moving forward and the will is there to make it work, then it overcomes the downs. Living in a different country is not easy. Not all people are accepting of outsiders and it can get lonely. So she could be affected by that and your relationship not working out adds to that. You can sit and work it out. I don't see major issue here.
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